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jshrckstar · Jan 19, 2008, 11:20 PM

So, tonight my girlfriend was acting a bit out of sorts. I asked her what was going on, and she said that she is confused right now with her feelings. I wasn't sure what she meant, so I asked. She said that she feels certain things for me, but she always tucks them away. She mentioned before that she's not good with words, and that she tucks them away because she's afraid that she'll get hurt. We have only been together for about 3 months, and I feel very strongly for this girl. Tonight, she said that she needed some space. Naturally, I was like Whoa! So, I asked her if she was breaking up with me, and she said no. So, here I am, a bit confused. I'm not sure what she means by "space" if we're still going to be together? Emotional space or something?

Delow84 · Jan 19, 2008, 11:26 PM

Id say to not ask her 'whats wrong' so much, be there for her when she comes to YOU. You know? Your confused, imagine how she feels? Act like your not confused, let her know you care and your there for her. Then just act normal. She said your not breaking up, so take that as a good sign. She cares.

But if you push for answers when she isn't ready. You may get answers spoken in haste and anger, and no where near what she means and that will hurt the relationship more.

My 2 cents :)

ISneezeFunny · Jan 19, 2008, 11:31 PM

... the "i need some space" crap...

Translation 1: there's another guy... and I need to see which one I like better (the case 50% of the time)

Translation 2: this is my easy way of breaking up with you... I need space... and expect a call within the next week or two with me actually breaking up with you

Translation 3: I really need some space right now (the case... roughly 1% of the time)

Sorry dude.

Delow84 · Jan 19, 2008, 11:37 PM

Id have to lean toward isneezefunny slightly. But whatever the case ENDS up being. Give her space. But give her support if/when she needs you. Be there if/when she needs to talk.

jshrckstar · Jan 20, 2008, 01:00 AM

She says that we're not breaking up. I mean I've been through this with an ex, but we were actually broken up already when she said she wanted me to give her space. This one is different. I asked her if she was breaking up with me, and she said "No!" That's what is so confusing about it all. I mean, should I wait around for her to figure out her feelings. I mean, in all honesty, I understand that she may decide to not be with me. Should I really wait around for that result? Is she just stringing me along? I almost feel as though I should end it to avoid the hurt. Any help?

Delow84 · Jan 20, 2008, 03:21 AM

If she is adamant about it not being breaking up. Give her space, and if you care about her see it through. There is a high probability that she might end it. BUT. If she doesn't you respecting her wishes, and being patient, will go along ways.

Rockmelon · Jan 20, 2008, 09:32 AM

She's trying to let you down easy. Sort of wean you off her. Take the hint and cool it!

I did this once. I told my boyfriend the same thing. He said, "OK, no problem." My immediate reaction was, "OMG! What did I just do!" We've been together 27 years now.

simoneaugie · Jan 20, 2008, 10:44 AM

She may be using the space thing to let you down easy, or as a way of saying that she has another guy or whatever. She told you that she was confused and hides her feelings away. That may be the simple truth; because the two of you are both growing up, figuring out who you want to be. But, good relationships are built on trust and respect.

You care about her. Quit thinking it to death and see what happens. If you are hurt, it won't be the last time and you will live right through it. Relationships take trust and respect. Those two things take real courage. Don't live in fear. Be brave and believe in yourself. Playing the social "game" may seem like the right thing to do because "everyone" is doing it. NOT SO!

I'm old. I've done a lot of dating, using, bull$hit excuses and outright lying. But, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Do it for yourself. And do it for her. That's living right, no harm in starting now.

ISneezeFunny · Jan 20, 2008, 02:42 PM

Oh please simoneaugie, how old could you be. Stop talking crazy.

jshrckstar, I agree with simoneaugie. Live your own life for now. Give her the space she asks for. You'll see exactly what she means as soon as you give her space. One of three things will happen:

You give her the space... and then...

1. she'll immediately call you back and wonder why you're not calling, blah blah. This is the "power game" that many women play. Now that you've left her alone... she no longer has the power. She will tempt you to regain the power. Don't let her. Play it cool.

2. she'll call you within a week or two and say... I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT. AND I'M BETTER OFF ALONE. That's a breakup. Don't beg. Don't cry. Say... OK. IT WAS FUN. TAKE CARE. End it there.

3. she'll never call you. At this point, it was again... a break up.

All in all... just play it cool. Keep your dignity. Don't cry. Don't beg.

simoneaugie · Jan 20, 2008, 07:28 PM

Like I said, she may be playing social games. But what if she's not? What if she is confused about her feelings and felt compelled to tell you that she is afraid she'll get hurt, that she tucks her feelings away? Just maybe, she told you the truth, and it's a simple truth. One you understand very well.

So, you believe the game of "power play" that many people do. You assume she's playing/doing it and sit and wait for her to call, or not... In the meantime you have gone through some confusion, tucked your feelings away and assume that she is just playing a game. Why? So you won't get hurt. Society does not move forward as a whirlpool of game-playing.

If you want to get better as a person, first you have to get different. Playing the same self-protective games and assuming the same crap over and over, because "everyone" does just keeps you in the whirlpool of fear. That whirlpool looks safe. "Everyone" tells you that it is. What do you think?

Beentherebefore · Jan 20, 2008, 09:22 PM

Disagree. Here's a different opinion - see what you think. She said she cares for you, but tucks it away and is afraid to get hurt, and now she wants some space.

It's obvious, I think. 3 months. Initial dating is over, and you're now getting to the point where you might become serious. I can tell you are. She can too, and she's afraid! She's afraid to let herself go and like you fully, because then you might leave her and she'd be really hurt. Your girl is scared, and it's because she likes you. So if you care about her, and want to keep her, you better pick up the phone and tell her how much you love her. Tell her you're giving her her space, but you intend to call once a day and tell her how fantastic she is. Trust me, she wants you to call. Your call will reassure her that your love is real. She is testing you - but not to be on the power trip the other readers think. At least this is MY opinion. She's seeing if you're likely to leave or not. You can tell when a girl wants space because she doesn't really like you, and when she wants space because she's afraid, can't you?

ISneezeFunny · Jan 20, 2008, 09:35 PM

If she wants space, why would you advise him to call once a day? That's... the opposite of giving space.

Yes, you're right... the readers here may be wrong. She actually may want space. It does happen. However, the readers here have had experience in these matters. More than 9 times out of 10, when the girl says I NEED TIME/SPACE, it USUALLY means that they're moving on.

However, I'm not saying beentherebefore is wrong. It's very possible she may need space. It does happen.

But I'm going to disagree with the calling once a day. If you wish, meet up with her and tell her how you feel. Pour your heart out. But afterwards, back off. Give her the space she wants. Granted, you may be more hurt if things don't work out after pouring your heart out as you will be that much more vulnerable.

No one here knows you or your girlfriend... so we can't give exact advice. Only thing we can give you is from our own experience.

jshrckstar · Jan 20, 2008, 09:44 PM

Thanks for all of the great advice guys! I'm just curious about something though. Since we haven't actually broken up, how do I go about giving her space exactly? I know that when you break up with someone, its best to stick to no contact at all. But, since we're still together, how do I go about giving her the space she needs, while still being her boyfriend and letting her now that I'm thinking about her? Am I not supposed to call at all? Wait for her to initiate? I'm confused?

ISneezeFunny · Jan 20, 2008, 09:55 PM

I would have a heart to heart with her, tell her you'll give her the space, and she can contact you when she wants to talk to you. This way, the pressure's off you, and the "ball's in her court"

JerseyGuy · Jan 20, 2008, 10:28 PM

That's what my ex told me, that she wanted to take a break for some space and to be friends, but it didn't end well between us and aren't really even talking anymore.

jshrckstar · Jan 21, 2008, 11:15 AM

I've had a heart to heart with her, and I let her know what she means to me. We've talked about everything, and she just said that she needs a little space. Again, she says that we're not breaking up, but she need some space for herself, her friends, and to think. I'm still a little onfused as to what this means. She's aid that she feels as though she has negelcted some stuff in her life that she shouldn't have, such as her friends. Could this just be a phase?

mafiaangel180 · Jan 21, 2008, 11:24 AM

This is all just my opinion of course...

It's only been three months, the time when you all should have your hands all over each other and be all happy and giddy in the honeymoon period. And she wants space?

It seems she is hanging on to you physically while she lets go of you mentally. I'm not joking when I say DUMP HER FIRST. That way she can have all the space her little heart desires, and you can keep the ball in your court and not be left in the dust. Like I said, just my opinion.

jshrckstar · Jan 21, 2008, 11:29 AM

Say that I dump her. I really don't want to because I know where my heart is, mind you. But, say I dump her. I could be making a huge mistake, if all of her needing space was just out of being scared. If I were to dump her I'd just be showing her that she really doesn't mean anything to me at all, right? Im in a bind because I don't want to just sit around while she figures out if I'm what she wants, but at the same time what if she just wants some time to herself?

mafiaangel180 · Jan 21, 2008, 11:48 AM

Originally Posted by jshrckstar

Say that I dump her. I really dont want to because I know where my heart is, mind you. But, say I dump her. I could be making a huge mistake, if all of her needing space was just out of being scared. If I were to dump her I'd just be showing her that she really doesnt mean anything to me at all, right? Im in a bind because I dont want to just sit around while she figures out if I'm what she wants, but at the same time what if she just wants some time to herself?

If all she wanted was time to herself, she wouldn't mention it, she would just make a little time for herself. She would just go jogging or find a hobby or go hang out with friends and she wouldn't mention it. But she did mention space and friends and whatnot, and I think she's trying to make excuses or whatever. You said it yourself, you don't want to sit around while she figures out if you are what she wants. So don't! I know you love her, you know you love her, but you have nothing to prove by staying with her. If she is just merely testing you, that isn't cool. Just go do your thing, and give her all the space she needs.

jshrckstar · Jan 21, 2008, 11:57 AM

True! I know how I feel, as I've said. It just sucks that I'm torn between caring about her, and putting my foot sown when it comes to my feelings. To make a long story shorter, we've been together for 3 months, and just recently we had been spending almost every free minute together. We would stay together practically every night etc. etc. In my mind it's kind of understandable that she would want some time to herself, and maybe even feel the need to mention it. My take on it has been that she feels as though she needed to mention it, otherwise things may seem a little out of the ordinary to me. It was never mentioned or asked by one person or the other if we would be hanging out the next day/Night. Its just the way it was, we both knew. I feel as though she let me know her reasoning for backing up a bit, so I wouldn't think the worst. What do you think? I'm probably just talking crazy!. :)