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Kitty1978 · Jan 19, 2008, 08:52 AM

Im 28, in a relationship with a guy since 4 months... he lives in another country but comes to my city once in a month for 3 days or more just to be with me. He is thinking of moving here soon...

My problem is, he seems very nice when he is around, but he doesn't call me or keep in touch much as much as the beginning of our relationship... twice a week maybe we speak on the phone.. I remember usually I call him, and he doesn't answer the phone first so that I won't need the pay for international call, and he calles me back instead.. but why he doesn't call at the first place? He does not miss me? Does not think of me at all?

I should say, I live here alone, so maybe he is my centre point more than I am for him.. but still is it a good reason not to call me, forget me... or I wonder sometimes maybe he wants to finish it? :(( everyday Im sad, thinking that what's going on and what is the reason... sometimes I cry and then sleep... its not really fair.. is it? Any advice? Thanks.

Marriedguy · Jan 19, 2008, 09:29 AM

Long distance relationships for a lack of a better word suck. My question is are you even in a long distance relationship or is this guy just stopping in when he gets in your city. Long distance relationships phone calls are primary form of contact so if he is not calling you. You just believe your in a long distance relationship and for him it is something else.

s_cianci · Jan 19, 2008, 09:32 AM

He's in a different country and yet he calls you twice a week and you see him once a month? And he's considering moving to your area? Frankly I don't think you have a problem. It sounds like, given the circumstances, you're getting more than your fair share and should be content.

Kitty1978 · Jan 19, 2008, 09:34 AM

No, this is really a relationship. That's what he suggested from the beginning until he can come and establish his business here.

He comes here to see me only. That's what make me wonder... if he likes me, why he come here, why he is so nice.. buys me expensive stuff... he just doesn't call me as much as I want it... I'm confused...

Fr_Chuck · Jan 19, 2008, 10:15 AM

Have him arrange for you to go visit him, And you can see his business and meet some of his friends an the such.

Allheart · Jan 19, 2008, 12:24 PM

Hi Kitty,

I am so sorry at your upset and that would be my first bit of advice. Take a deep breath and try and relax and calm your innerself down just a bit. I do realize it is difficult but if you are all upset inside it is so hard to think clearly and just end up making ourselves more upset.

I couldn't agree more with Fr. Chuck. Please suggest to him that you come out there for a visit.

I also agree with S_cianci that there does seem to be a good bit of communication for a long distance relationship.

If I may ask, how did you both meet? Has he ever been married or does he have any children? I ask these questions as you want to be sure you really know this young man. Not sure why, but something just doesn't sit comfortable for me.

Just try and relax and not put yourself in such a "desperate" place. Ask him if you could come for a visit. In the meantime try and pick one thing that you like to do without him to help pass the time until you see or hear from him again.

Hang in there.

AngelinaBella · Jan 19, 2008, 02:39 PM

I was in a LDR until recently. My ex lives in London and I'm currently back in Asia. Him calling you twice a week is all right, nothing strange with that. My ex used to call once or twice in a week and would text everyday until a few weeks before the breakup where he just goes all quiet! No calls, no texts, no e-mails..

As the above, I would suggest you going there for a visit. And don't analyse on why he doesn't calls. You should trust your guy as much as he trusts you. Even though we're in LDR, they still need their alone time or space too. Go out there and have a life of your own, doing things that has nothing to do with your guy. Just keep up with the communication. In a LDR, quantity counts so does quality. Even when your miles apart, try to do something for him that makes him feel like you're there next to him.

Kitty1978 · Jan 20, 2008, 03:04 AM

So most of you mean that everything is OK, but you know I'm still upset...

I thought a lot and decided to write him an email about all is going on in my mind.. I think we should know eachother's expectation before moaning...

But I guess, if he knows what I need, and he wouldn't care after that, I should quit, because I can't stand sooo much of sadness every day and hour... :(

AngelinaBella · Jan 20, 2008, 05:24 AM

Yes, you should know about each other expectations. What you can do or can't, a certain time span to LD until you're both together at the same place etc. Just don't expect too much or put too much pressure on him, I think you wouldn't appreciate it to when someone else pressure you too much.

Marriedguy · Jan 20, 2008, 10:35 AM

I have to disagree with some of the poster. In long distance relationship phone calls are the primary form of contact. Yes, I understand that you can be on the telephone 24/7 but once day is like the standard. I can only bring my personal experience. The distance was not as long we weren't in different countries so we manage to call each other everyday at around 7pm without fail. Even when we just called to say that I love you but I can't really stay on the phone tonight. The way I see long distance relationship is a short-term phase because the goal is live in the same house/apartment or at the very least the same area.

The other issue is that you seem like you need more contact then the distance will allow. A long distance just may not be for you.

Kitty1978 · Jan 21, 2008, 02:15 AM

Well, I talked to hims yesteday and he said he can't call me everyday, and he been too busy... which annoyed me so much! I never expect anyone to call or get a call everyday... but disapearing for a week is not also understandable, doesn't matter how much he'd been busy!!

I believe, when you commit, you should be responsible... but I just didn't mention all these things... because I didn't want to make it worse... I said we should take care of each other if we want it works...

Allheart · Jan 21, 2008, 03:06 AM

Hi Kitty,

I know you must be upset and I am sorry for that. But how about you make yourself "too busy" now. Meaning, occupy yourself with things you like to do and try and not have your mind and self wrap around him so much.

Take a step back from it all. Take a day or two or three and do nothing but things for Kitty.

Take a vacation from the hurt, stress and upset of waiting for the phone to ring or getting that email.

Take better care of yourself and be good to yourself Kitty.

See how you feel after taking those couple of days away from being so wrapped up in him.

I truly wish you all the best and want for you to feel better.

Kitty1978 · Jan 21, 2008, 03:21 AM

Thanks dear... I should say I'm not too upset now, I don't think of him anymore like before, but I have a weird feeling... I just don't feel much interest anymore... we'll see what happens next...

Thanks too you all for your advice...