[eve33]

Hello I am eve33, I joined this site for answers of questions that I have carried with me since 7 years ago, deal with a child that is my biological son and realizing that the problems he is having even today has or had nothing to do with me. I have come to terms that anything that I have tried, such as ask the school principles, counselors, other parents, friends, family, we do spot checks in his room and pat downs before he leave the home and when he comes home( yes it's that serious), other outside sources such as, scared straight programs, and at the end of all of that we (husband and I) got into contact with his biological mother whose been off drugs for 4 years(It's a huge accomplishment for her), who of 10 out of 14 years has finally been off drugs and starting her life as a last resort.
"Bubba" will be his name in the intro about this story. Grades 1st-8th
I met Bubba's father through a friend of ours, we have been married for 6 year this year in May, and now have a beautiful baby girl. Bubba, I met and took care of since he was 7 years old and was of course our ring barrier. He is now 14years-old. Prior to our union we have had problems with Bubba here is a list: Hitting a kid to get a basketball out of another kids hands, stealing his grandmother lighter and lying about it, getting into trouble at school with teachers and students in his class, get sent home with notes that need signatures from a parent, in which he forged himself with his father's name "Ben". Pretty much all of these are typical, for kids AS A PHASE, but not for Bubba. As years went by it went to 2nd grade stealing money from me and finding out from his teacher who let me know that it is unusual for this kid to have this money on him at school. Pay attention folks, there's more. We moved, he's in a different school I told him that it's a clean slate from here as long as he is clean. 4th grade he stole a watch from a kid in P.E. when he himself worked for his very own watch during the summer and blamed it on another kid, which sent shockwave when I questioned him about when I found it in backpack. He lied about it being found by him and ask the office at the school could he have at the end of the day if no one claims it. The kid who he blamed for the watch was made to write an apology letter, detention, you name it, and Bubba showed no remorse for it.
6th grade no remorse for anything he has ever done just that he blames his mother for leaving him. 6th grade during the New year he stole $200 from us at home, it took 3 day 5 people to get a confession from him. The $200 was part of $800 that we need for our mortgage payment, to deposited in the bank for payment. I was devastated when I came up short at the teller window. Turns out the money was split between his friend down the street and himself and didn't show no remorse even knowing we were behind payment on our home at the time and foreclosure was mentioned, we were in a crunch! He acted as he was the victim here and mentioned again it about his mother, I just got mad wasn't thinking, and that his friend hounded about some money Bubba promised him. So he thought it was his opportunity to "resolve" problem with his friend.
7th grade stole someone's cell phone which was activated which was found in our couch by his dad, He stole my jewlery from Mexico to take to school for a girl UMMMM they were birthstone stones that have no been set in any material like gold or silver, they my prized possessions,detentions and suspension, fights, stealing more frequently--hey don't any misconception here we as parents want to make sure you understand we have tried the reward system. Bubba made it clear it's too much work to be good, it to hard.
8th grade which would be this year he had been in trouble for lude acts the school such as he got physical with a young lady on his bus because she had a poster that originally gave it to him then changed her mind and he not only go physical it went in her bag to retrieve the poster, verbal comments, middle finger at the teacher from the bus. Lied about his teacher giving him MY palm pilot address book to him "because I was the first student finished with my work" I called to confirm that story with his teacher and all in a nutshell she made to comment on speaker phone that he needed to go to Juvey. I have spent out of time to spend with him at the school in his classes meeting with all of his teachers talking about issues of his grades Bubba and I worked together on improving his grades and organizational skill to keep on the right track, before then he went 5 weeks in his first quarter without doing any type of assignments, Oh also I want say Bubba is passive aggressive he doesn't express his feelings like other kids do, like tell anyone what is bothering him or what makes him sad, angry, happy. He doesn't come to us when there is a problem. So with the 8th grade not completed is now being completing it in Kentucky with bio. Mother. We don't know what the outcome will be with him there hopefully positive, Bubba had visited her before this recent move, and he came to tell us about his mother relationship with her husband--well it's not your typical morals and values to follow kind of thing. My friends have told me that Bubba will not last long on good behavior w/his mom and that it's possible that he might drive back to her old ways. Remember before you start to ask yourself why is this step mother so concerned about this kid, well I have done what any mother would do love but not enable him to do what did here with us. I love Bubba like he was my very own-- a son to me. I just our worst nightmares will not come true. I need someone's help to cope, I should have done this along time ago, this made me feel a little better letting anyone know you are not alone dealing with this, and truly feel I am not alone. Help.

Thank you for taking the time reading this. Eve33

[Clough]

(Question moved from Introductions to more appropriate topic area in order to get more exposure to the people who can help with answering the question.)

[eve33]

Just to clarify to the previous message about "Bubba" he is my step son he not my biological son, I just caught after sending the message. My mistake, so keep in perspective Bubba is my [B]stepson[B].:rolleyes:

[Fr_Chuck]

I might advice a complete mental health exam. Aggression and stealing and lying from an early age are all signs of a more extreme problem.

[eve33]

Problem is Bubba won't tell you or I or any psychiatrist, we've been down this road. They have all said he is normal and just pushing buttons to see how far he could go with this. I am just a concerned stepmom just seeing anyone else is going through this and made head way with teens today. Bubba has a tendency to apologize for what he does with condition that it was an accident, or I was think about my real mom and how she could do this to me. I need some kind of support, I have always said to everyone this may be good that he does live with his bio. Mother to get to know her and try and understand, he obviously didn't understand after he went to visit her and his siblings on Thanksgiving. He came back and we continued to have problems. So I guess the real question here, is his mother have any contributing factor to his behavior as he desribes what he was thinking at the time he pulled these acts??

[tsechenaku]

I have been raising my granddaughter for about six years... her problems sound very much like "Bubba's". I have had her in therapy since she came to me. She is with me because her mother and father divorced when she was around six years old and her father gained custody because her mother was found to be "unfit". My son, her father, reared her because his wife, Heather's mother, was very rejecting. She, herself, had been given up for adoption at two years of age by an unwed mother, so she has her own set of psychological problems. Then, my son joined up with a woman twice as bad as Heather's mom and moved to PA. After a few years with them, my son's partner called me and said she couldn't stand to have Heather in the house any longer... the lying, stealing, destructiveness... yet Heather is a very affectionate, loving child who usually does everything in her power to get EVERYONE to like her. Yet... she is a very good liar. Once she started a fire in her bathroom at my home. I knew she did it. No one else was there. She denied it so vehemently, crying hysterically--that I questioned my own judgment. And she has been stealing since she was very young. She has formerly taken things like makeup, nail clippers, tweezers and just collected them. I would miss things around the house... and I finally had to start searching her huge bags that she carried everywhere and I found out she was stealing all the time. She is now 14 years old and she has definitely upped the anty. Thing is, I have tried so hard to understand her behavior... she is on medication for ADHD and OCD and I homeschool her because of the problems she has had with stealing, lying, and aggression at school (when she went in PA). HEr reaction to my finding stolen items in her things is pretty much "So?" No remorse. I am so saddened and afraid she will end up in great trouble. She has very poor impulse control. She has consequences for her actions, yet they do not seem to make a difference. She is very easily addicted to a particular TV program or game and will become hysterical or furious if she cannot watch it or get on the computer to play her games. I am not a wealthy person... as a matter of fact, I live on disability. Her psychiatrist and therapist are provided by medicaid and they are far from effective at this point. They do not really do "therapy", but give her medication. Her therapist plays games with her (therapeutic play is something I understand) but doesn't really challenge her to face any of her behaviors. This week I have really reached my point of saturation and I do not know what else I can do for her. I love her so much. Tell her. And she is always saying "I love you, MiMi", but her behavior is going to ruin her life if things do not change... and I do not feel I have the power to change them. I applied for disability in hopes of getting her into real therapy... but was turned down due to her psychiatrist report that she was "getting much better", while, in fact, things are getting so much worse! She has already been threatened by Walmart with arrest if she is caught shoplifting again. I just don't know any more... all I can do is love her, try to help her face the consequences of her actions, and keep trying to get help for her. I don't know what else to do. Should I allow her to get arrested? She says she can't help stealing, doesn't know why she does it, and can't seem to stop. Medications do not seem to be helping at this point. I almost feel like she would benefit from "boot camp". Instead, I have sent her to horse camps and she has thrived, but it is expensive and she still manages to "lift" things from people and (I suspect) stores. It is very difficult to manage a child who you loose complete trust in. I search her things when she leaves and when she comes home. Always there is contraband... stolen items. She always has an explanation or fierce "How did that get in there?". I do not argue with her. Do not ask her anymore if she took it--I already know she did. I just give her the consequences she has earned and hope they will (for once) make a difference. I am more and more afraid that instead of the diagnosis of ADHD and OCD, she is sociopathic. I still love her... wish I could do more. At times I want to take her to see how people live in prison or juvvie hall, but I don't know it would make much of an impression on her. When my father was alive, he paid for a psyc evaluation and the psychiatrist who tested her stated she was disassociative. That explained her lack of empathy, grief, sadness... her regressing to babytalk whenever things happened such as my parents dying (we lived with them so I could help care for them). She never cried when they died. She would bounce around and talk in a cheery baby voice that "it's okay. Don't be sad. Everything is going to be okay." But she even stole from them...

I wish you luck and I know how painful it is to want to do more for a child and find there might not be "more" you can do.

[anneanness]

I have his 12 year old brother I swear. We have done eveything done all the steps even had a policeman talk to him. No remorse at all no emotions he was a foster child at age 4 and we adopted him at 7 and he's so much worse . Please help counselors principles older siblings and his bio parents no help .they have all told him and talked to him. Stealing and lying compulsive he is adhd impulsive . I am at the point of giving him back to the state or sending him to a group home HELP

[alm1982]

I work in the field of youth development and social service. I work mainly with kids grades 1-6 but have worked with youth up through high school. I don't like to say this, but sociopathy could really be a viable diagnosis. I came across this post while searching for information to help me work with a 6th grader who is displaying much of what you have described. I went into the internet search hoping to find literature negating that he may indeed be a sociopath. The problem with everything is the no remorse issue. The problem with a sociopath (or psychopath) is that there is no cure. They have no conscious. It is easy for them to plee for sympathy (my mother left me, it is her fault) and can lie straight to your face. They can also be charismatic and very convincing. There is a book called, "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. I would recommend reading it to help you confirm if this is a diagnosis to be sought by professionals. As for the 7 year old, I would give it a little more time. The foster care system can create havoc for a child and his formative years have been affected. I have a seven year old in my program that was a witness to domestic violence for the first six years of his life. He is showing slow (very slow) progress, but it is still progress. However, buy sixth grade, the child's personality is pretty much set... There can be changes but they are difficult and this kind of behavior usually gets worse. I also would like to recommend attending a Love and Logic seminar or visiting their website and getting materials. The younger the better for implementing this kind of behavior management strategy. It works. I use it daily and have for years. I use it with kids age 2-15 on a regular basis with success across the board. And most of the kids I work with come from what we would call a "troubled home" or severe poverty. Decisions surrounding children are always the hardest. Good Luck.