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gigi doug · Jan 10, 2008, 04:45 PM

It is so hard I know I am going through a similar situation with my ex.. It feels like we are always playing mind games and he too is a selfish jerk. My advice is if you can keep with the no contact because if you do contact him you will feel good for a while but in the long run you will be worse of trust me it is better to have "power" in these situations. I gave in and contacted him and though I thought it was what I wanted I feel I'm back to square one now and I had made so much progress since the break up. It will definitely work out in the end though, it gives me comfort knowing that there is someone so much better out there because this is definitely not as good as its going to get. Also go on dates!I found this combined with no contact works really well

HurtingALot · Jan 11, 2008, 09:28 AM

Thinking about sending a text that just says "I miss us"

Am I crazy? Need some help here...

HurtingALot · Jan 11, 2008, 09:53 AM

9th day NC... Is it getting easier? Sometimes, I guess.

Still wondering why he's not calling... and what he's thinking... I already heard he is pretty unhappy...

Why is this so damn hard? I don't know what to think anymore.

George_1950 · Jan 11, 2008, 10:51 AM

Don't mean to repeat myself but I believe it is a form of addiction, a dependency, a mind-game. The only two cures I can think of are either a sedative or No Contact. It's kind of like relearning to walk, except the 'walking' is doing what is best for you and getting away from an expensive and possibly destructive relationship.

HurtingALot · Jan 11, 2008, 12:00 PM

George... thank you again. You are so right about this being an expensive and yes, destructive relationship to me.

Day 9 of NC and I'm going to make it... It's just harder than others sometimes. Still wonder what he's thinking/feeling and hope it's JUST AS HARD FOR HIM. (Think I'm nuts? )

Like I said, I've always chased before, so I'm thinking that's what he's waiting for.

Love-Life · Jan 11, 2008, 01:12 PM

What you are feeling is perfectly understandable and normal. There is no doubt in my mind that you love him very much and he loves you too. Its just that guys think differently than girls, they love, but they don't get attatched the way we girls do. Commitment is something a lot of guys don't even want to think about, so they feel being unfaithful isn't as terrible as most girls believe it to be. I am not saying this involves every woman and every man, but its usually the way it goes. I know too much about men mistreating women in my family, my sisters, aunts and mom have all been physically abused and mentally abused. It has nothing to do with them, it has to do with the men who have insecurity issues and blame their faults on their gfs. Your boyfriend is unfaithful to you because he probably feels badly about who he is already, it has nothing to do with you. I think there is somebody perfect out there for every single human being. You'll find someone!

HurtingALot · Jan 11, 2008, 01:30 PM

Thanks for your reply. Though I don't believe he actually "cheated", what he did ruined any thoughts of how I think we could have continued... just so selfish and stupid. I think he really just liked the extra attention.

Whatever the case, I think you are right when you say it is in him and has very little to do with me... but it's still hard. It hurts so.

I know I deserve better... but I really do hurt.

HurtingALot · Jan 14, 2008, 10:41 AM

So I'm doing all the right things... NC for 13 days so far... (Nothing from him either :( )

I am talking to someone else... (a good guy... second date tonight and plans for the upcoming weekend... )

Why is he still in my head so much? I wake up with that pit in my stomach... and switch from feeling pretty OK to REALLY awful throughout the day.

I wonder (all the time) what he's thinking... It's obsessive.

I wonder if he thinks we are truly broken up or just on another break so that things can cool down or whatever... (since we didn't officially say the words "It's Over" this time.)

I constantly wonder why he's not contacting me...

I promise I won't contact him... but want to know why it is so easy for him to let me go, if he truly has this time...

It's only been 2 weeks... but it feels like forever...

Input anyone? You've all been so helpful so far...

EuRa? What happened to you? Needing your thoughts!

I just want to be OK again... Heartbreak is the worst! I hope he is feeling it too...

HurtingALot · Jan 14, 2008, 11:54 AM

Anyone??

Am I to assume that he is done since we haven't spoken? Even though we never "officially" broke up?

WHY THE HECK IS THIS SO HARD?!

George_1950 · Jan 14, 2008, 12:44 PM

You write: "I wonder (all the time) what he's thinking...." Need to stop this!
You write: "I constantly wonder why he's not contacting me...." My guess: he's decided it is in his best interest not to; can't know why.

I would call this a separation by time and circumstances. It resulted because he had other interests that you didn't approve of, and the relationship is expensive and destructive.

I think you are getting better, but just my opinion. You sound better.

George_1950 · Jan 14, 2008, 03:59 PM

You write: "Input anyone? You've all been so helpful so far...."

I know that what I have to do
Is get on with my life, but I can't take another day
I can't face another night, so I just take another breath
And let it go

From Kenny Chesney, "Someday I Might Get Over You"

Mr-Blank · Jan 15, 2008, 03:34 AM

Originally Posted by HurtingALot

I know in my head that I am the one holding the power (I think) since I have remained NC....but I still feel....Well....POWERLESS.

Why is this so hard??

Like the others have said, NC isn't about having the power over someone, its about letting yourself move on. Its so hard because it seems you still want him pining over you and that if you continue with NC he might just forget about you and move on, no longer needing you. Well soon enough, with the help of NC, you'll be cool with that idea too.

Keep up the NC!!

HurtingALot · Jan 15, 2008, 11:54 AM

So 14 days NC... (with the exception of one text message to him to ask him to thank his aunt for me for a gift she sent me... )

Am I feeling better? It depends on which moment of the day you ask me...

Everything really works out the way it's supposed to in the end, right?

I believe in fate and karma and all that stuff... but I need reinforcements on this.

I still miss him... and hope he is missing me. I am dating (kinda)... but it's still REALLY hard.

Guess I just want to know that what is meant to be will be... no matter what.

Thoughts anyone?

George_1950 · Jan 15, 2008, 12:03 PM

You wrote: "Guess I just want to know that what is meant to be will be...no matter what." Couldn't help but thing of this old song:

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Maybe music, and better music, will help.

HurtingALot · Jan 15, 2008, 12:10 PM

I just feel mentally exhausted... Tired of the thoughts. Try to push them away... but they generally take over. USUALLY I can work through them... but sometimes better than others.

Wish there was a secret to detaching from my emotions, if even just for a little bit.

Hey George... think those lyrics are true? They've certainly been around for a long time!! I need to believe that "whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see..." etc.. etc...

Got to believe...

HurtingALot · Jan 16, 2008, 07:26 AM

So I think I've found a way to at least somewhat emotionally detach so that I can get through this...

I have decided that it's just not worth worrying about stuff I am not in control of. I am only responsible to be the best that I can be... the rest is up to the powers that be.

I find some comfort in this... because I am definitely somewhat of a control-freak... and I spend a lot of time thinking about "What if....if he would only....etc...etc...."

Bottom line... I can't make anyone do anything. (Nor do I want them to if it's not coming from the right place.) I was the best I could be and gave my heart completely... the rest is up to whatever happens.

(In addition... I am making an appointment with a counselor my friend recommended to talk things through.)

George_1950 · Jan 16, 2008, 02:26 PM

This is so good, HurtingALot; you are exemplifying what NC is and does: a period of introspection and examination; a time of hurting and healing; it is a little bit like withdrawing from the fray and getting hold over things that are most essential. I don't really understand how we get so out-of-balanced when the relationship ends; some say it is a lack of mutuality; some say one of the partners has been committing a kind of fraud or encouraging a lie within the dumpee's heart. Thanks for sharing your encouraging insights.