[davjen]

Hi, I'm new to the board. First time on here. But 2 days before xmas. My commonlaw spouse of 4.5 years, sent me a dear john email saying he decided to move out. So needless to say xmas sucked, considering it was the first xmas that our son who will be 3 in April, put out the cookies for the first time. We also have a 15 month old daughter. I miss this man terribly. I knew we were having problems, but every time I tried to talk to him about it he just didn't want to. I work 4pm to 11 pm and 3 times in a week he went to the bar and got drunk while I was at work. He came home pretty late. When confronted he refused to talk about it. He said he needed me time. We'd been going in and out of talking and ignoring each other, since June of 2007. When he left, I broke into his Facebook account and got all his emails. Found some very interesting stuff, that he was sharing with his ex girlfriend of 14 years ago. They have a daughter together who is 14 and he hadn't seen his child in over 8 years cause the mom moved away and didn't tell him. They remet in September of 2006. I drove him over 5 hours away, paid for the motel room, and all expenses so that he could finally see his daughter again. I feel I did nothing that merits the treatment that I am getting. I know I am not perfect and not to blame for any mistakes in our relationship but him leaving took me by total surprise. He used to tell me we were soul mates, and meant for each other, and he used to buy me flowers for no reason, and always hold me and hug me and we just couldn't get enough of each other. Then the children came, and somehow there was no more time for us. I think that's what happened. I just so need to talk to someone about it. I so want him back and still love him with all my heart and am so in love with him still. Can anyone help me through this and lend an ear.
Thanks
Carole

[talaniman]

Sorry for your loss, and your right, you deserve better. Move on with your life, and good riddance to bad news, just make sure he pays for his kids. So far, his track record is lousy, as a mate and father.

[davjen]

This is my second time posting on here. I've had one reply from a post on Jan 12, it was a very good reply at that, I just now need to know how I can go on. I tried to have a discussion with my ex of 4.5 years when he came to visit our 2 children both under 3. I had sent him roses for his b-day along with 2 birthday cards, and didn't get any sort of reply. And when I asked after his visit if there was any chance of us talking and working things out he bluntly said not right now, no. And I really don't see it in the future either. This tore me up inside. I never thought our problems were that serious. I found out he told his mom that I was always yelling at him. Which is not true, I've actually only yelled at him 3 times in our 4 years and 2 of which were in the last 8 months. That's when I noticed changes in him and his behavior towards me. No more goodnight kisses and hugs, or not as often, no more flowers for no reason, snapping at me, and blaming me for everything. Just to name a few. And dirty looks that he says he doesn't understand what I mean by that. He has a real problem with any kind of confrontation, and takes me wanting to have a serious discussion as that. The last 2 talks we tried to have, he's the one who flew off the handle, not me yet I'm the one he says yells. I don't understand. He used to say I was his soulmate and wrote me a beautiful poem, told me we were meant for each other and now I feel like he hates me, and I feel like I did nothing to merit this. All I did was love him. Everything I did revolved around him. He was my world and I still love him dearly and am in love with him still. We used to get along great and then the children came and I guess that's when we lost each other. It pretty well started when I got pregnant for our daughter now 15 months, I was on the pill but got pregnant anyway, I was not unhappy I was pregnant and I was hoping for a girl from the beginning. He seemed OK with it when I told him we were expecting but this pregnancy was very hard on me, being my 4th, and I was 39. He was not into this pregnancy like he was our first child, the other 2 were from a previous marriage. He never asked how my dr's appt. were, if he did it was 3 days after the fact. He never asked how I was feeling, and when the baby moved I'd tell him and he wouldn't even want to touch and once we were laying in bed and she moved and I put his hand there and asked if he felt that he said yeah, moved his hand and rolled over. I was so hurt. And the baby came 9 weeks 3 days early, and I was so scared she wouldn't make it. And he asked if I wanted my oldest daughter who was 14 to come with me at the hospital to which I replied no. Now our daughter is healthy 15 month old. And it's clear to see that he loves her now that she's here. When she was 3 months old, she was very colicky and cried constantly, and I had a 20 month old home as well, I was exhausted and mentally exhausted as well. I was going through some serious postpartum blues, combined with the feeling of feeling all alone. I said some things to my baby daughter that will haunt me forever. I realize now I was not myself. I never hurt her, and when I felt I'd had enough I put her in her bed and let her cry while I came downstairs and had a good cry. And I thank God that she won't remember some of the things I said to her, like I wish I could go back, but I love that little girl and she is a ray of sunshine in my cloudy world. I was expected to keep all this in and never discuss it or blow up... is that humanly possible? He seems to think it is. Then when he decided to leave, 2 days before xmas, I was devastated. Could not believe this was happenning to me. And he told me in an email. We haven't really discussed anything since. I tried to get answers from him but got nowhere, so I broke into his face book account and read his emails, that's another thing I noticed is that he had the same password for years and all of a sudden on the family computer there were passwords I didn't know. I found some very interesting info on those emails. From about July 15 to August 8 2007, he was emailing frequently with the mother of his first born daughter, who is 14. He hadn't seen his daughter in over 8 years cause mom took off and moved 5 hours away and didn't tell him. He told her some very personal stuff like he never felt for anyone what he felt for her, he still carries a picture of her in his wallet after all this time, she was 15 when they were dating and she got pregnant. She was a child. He told her stuff about us, like we shouldn't have gotten together, things always have to be my way, which is not even close to being true. He blew things way out of proportion and made me look like an idiot. And when I asked him about this, he was furious that I broke into his email cause he has assured his ex that I would never be able to break his password, and he had no intentions on telling me about anything. And he doesn't see he did anything wrong. I know this is a lose lose situation, but I still love this man dearly and I need help in trying to get on with my life without him, cause deep down, I know that is the best answer for everyone. Sorry this is so long., believe it or not, I've cut it down. Any help or feedback will be appreciated...
Thanks Carole

[twinkiedooter]

He has found that he somehow fancies this other woman from the way you describe his behavior. Changing passwords, no hugs, kisses, etc is a big tip off about this. Please do not beat yourself up over just why did he leave me for her. You can never figure out other people or just what is going on in their heads, so don't try.

If he didn't marry her and he didn't marry you, he's not about to settle down with anyone. He's had a wonderful time for who knows how many years being wonderfully irresponsible. Why you didn't get married to him is your business but having one kid after another to a man who does not want to commit himself to a relationship to me is sad. Sad on your part that you put up with his nonsense for as long as you did.

You need to dust yourself off and get on with your life as you have certainly wasted enough of your life on this loser. Sorry if I sound a bit brash about this, there is no easy way to say it. Had this been my mom talking to you instead of me, boy would she have a fit with you! (she's been dead 10 years now). She used to tell me that I needed to take stock of myself and not let men run my life.

You have little kids to look after and be a good mom to. He's free as a bird with no obligations period. Please, by all means, make sure he pays child support for his kids (I don't care if he can't afford it either) as he had something to do with them being here.

You're too good for him, dear. Remember you are an adult and he's just a kid and will probably never grow up.

[davjen]

Things were great and he was an awesome boyfriend and father to our son, until I got pregnant for my daughter. ANd as for the other women he sent the emails to, she still lives 5 hours away, and from what I know, have not had any communication since xmas eve when she brought their daughter here. She stayed here with me, knowing her dad was moving out. I thought he was very committed to this relationship, and the last 8 months have just taken me by surprise. I do know that I need to move on, he's made it clear that he has no intentions of coming back, and I still feel like he blames me for everything. I've tried so hard in the last 8 months to talk to him and to rectify the problems. And yes I do plan on making him pay child support, and support for myself as well, he has left me with over 10 thousand dollars in credit card bills, and a minivan payment that we just got 4 months ago... so if I'm not going to have spare money, nor will he. I'm not normally a bitter person like this, but this has hurt me in ways I never thought possible.

[twinkiedooter]

Dear, you are not bitter, you are hurt, and deeply hurt by him. The reason he blames you is he doesn't want you to come to your senses! An old man trick. I know first hand how they act and know all their little tricks. Like the trick of picking a fight so they can leave and be with their buddies. Been there done that.

Do not waste your breath trying to talk with him as he's just turned off his hearing aid so to speak. I don't know what you're going to do about the debt or the van. Hopefully you have a job and can support yourself as I really would not expect him to pay dime one until he is actually forced to by a Judge.

Was the van and credit cards in his name as well or just yours?

I've had some doozies done to me very similar to what you're experiencing now. God did that hurt me for a long, long time. But I got over it and kept on keeping on. You have your children and you need to think of them and you. Them and you. Not him. Just them and you.

[aboleth]

It must be a terrible pain you are feeling right now. Hard times sometimes just overwhelm people. Do yourself a big favor here. Don't try to find out what's going on in his life, and don't keep calling and asking about a future with him. It's just torture. You aren't going to get the answers you want to hear. It's hard to accept, but thinking about those things is putting you in a really bad place. If he wanted to be with you, he'd call you and let you know. Nothing you can say or do will change it. It's his decision, regardless of why he made it.

You have some adjusting to do. Try to make some positive changes in your life... heck, rearrange your household, do something that makes a change. It helped me, perhaps it can help you. This guy seems like the type who's running from responsibility. Perhaps he's just looking for the next exciting thing, at you expense. Sucks, but some people are like that, and it's not your fault that they are.

I wish you luck.

[davjen]

thank you so much for a wonderful answer. I am no longer wasting my breath on him, I've told him the ball is in his court. And yes the van is under my name, cause he doesn't have a license, he failed when he was a teenager and won't go back cause he's scared to fail again. And I was able to get the loan without him cause he didn't want a minivan, he was perfectly happy with the car, and I thought the car was too small for 2 car seats in the back and my 15 year old daughter in the middle. We needed a minivan, and he refused to see that. So I went out and purchased it on my own. Maybe I shouldn't have but I did try to get him involved and he refused. And yes the credit cards are also in my name, but when I sold my house that my exhusband and I had together, I had paid them off, so when mike and I started our life together, we had a clean slate so to speak, except for his school loan of 7 thousand that he said he would start paying and still hasn't to this day. In a matter of 3.5 years, we managed to charge, over 10 grand, pretty well all big ticket items though. A computer, washer, dryer, movie camera, 1200.00 for a moving truck, 800 for car repairs just to name a few. But I can prove they were all done with us being together. That should help. And yes I do work full time, well 32 hours a week, 4pm to 11pm sun to thurs. And I also have a part time job at value village where I work about 8 to 10 hours a week. To try and pay off my debt. But right now I'm on sick leave, cause I need to get my life together and get a sitter for nighttime, their dad used to be home to watch them and I cannot expect my 15 year old to babysit, she didn't ask for those children, although she helps me out a great deal, especially since the breakup. And he has given some support money this month in the form of a check, but I had to ask for help with the rent. Hope this helps. And yes, I do know I need to take care of the children, they are the big reason I took a sick leave cause they need me more right now.

[aboleth]

Yea, I wish there was something anyone could say to remove the pain. This kind of pain is like a prison sentence. You do your time, and then it's over. Just make sure you keep to your guns and not associate with him. I'll be quite honest in saying that it seems to me there are many better fish in the sea if he's not a committed man.

Might have to do small claims court for some of the bills, I'm no legal expert however. I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings or what he thinks about it. You've got kids and you need help. This isn't about his needs, he chose to leave, and now you definitely need to make sure you get taken care of.

Unfortunately, a breakup usually means having to deal with some things that people will argue about... Bills, Kids, housing, etc... It's about impossible to be friends. He's not your friend right now.

Don't take too long on that sick leave... work is therapy in my book. Good luck.

[davjen]

I have 3 months, I need to find a good babysitter, and I need to figure out if I need to go bankrupt or not. Fortunately I took an insurance on my van that allows me to return for certain reasons, so I need to look into that as well. We don't own a house, so that's not a problem. My biggest concern right now was my 2 little ones and they needed me here with them, tucking them in at night. They were used to having their dad here nightly and all of a sudden, it's 2 times a week. My 2.5 year old is taking it quite hard. Wants his soother constantly now, although I don't allow him it. Only when he goes to sleep. He's a lot whinier, cries when I go to the washroom so I have to bring him with me. Has started hitting his 15 month old sister and refuses to share his toys. Is always yelling at his sister. So he sort of is lashing out and I figured he needed me more right now. I need to take care of them first and foremost, nobody can or will. I'm all they have.

[twinkiedooter]

I don't see anything wrong with having your 15 year old take care of the kids. Right now she should be doing something other than just holding the floor down so to speak. If she's a responsible girl she should pitch in and help. This is the difference in you being able to go back to work and earning money to get your life back on track. She needs to learn how to be a grown up as she is going to be one very shortly!

I'm not that familiar with English laws and debts but over here if the debt was in your name and not joint debt, you are stuck holding the bag. You may end up having to ditch the van and getting something more affordable monthly payment wise if you can't make payments. Better now to start looking versus you don't make payments and they come and take it away and then you have no transportation at all. Getting that insurance was a very good move on your part.

Daughter has to get involved period. I don't care what her whiny excuse is either as there should be none as this is going to be touch and go with you and your little family for quite a while. You had never mentioned she lived with you before so this puts another wrinkle in the script here.

Also get over the fact that you can't tuck the kids in at night. They are young and probably won't remember any of this in 10 years so don't beat yourself up over that either. If anything they are all brothers and sisters and should get along with each other regardless of just who their daddy is.

You never mentioned anything if she resents them, she does not like them, she's a spoiled brat, etc. so it's hard to second guess her feelings unless you have already approached her and she said flatly she won't do this. Or does she have a physical infirmity that precludes her from helping, i.e. mentally challenged, in a wheelchair, etc.

Absolutely shocked he gave you a dime! Don't expect him to continue though so take it while you can and spend it wisely. Whatever you do, don't keep buying stuff and more stuff right now. Just concentrate on the necessities of life now, rent, food and try not buying unnecessary things as you need to conserve your money right now. Later maybe when things start working themselves out, but not now.

[davjen]

My daughter is helping me out a lot more than I even expect. But she is currently in grade 9, exams are next week, she has to volunteer 40 hrs for her diploma and they recommend you get it over with in grade 9, and she works part-time at mcdonalds and on tues she takes dance. She has a fairly busy schedule already and I as a mother, cannot expect her to babysit her siblings, which she absolutely adores, from 3.30 to 11.30 5 days a week. She has been babysitting since I started this job in June from 3.30 to 4.45 everyday until their dad got home. When is she expected to do her homework, and I won't get over the fact that I can't tuck my kids in at night. Their dad isn't here to do it anymore and I'll be sure that I am. If work insurance doesn't pay me then employment insurance will so I will have money coming in and I can always get more hours at my day job, but the night one has better pay and benefits. I will not make my kids suffer because their father decided he didn't want the responsibility anymore. They needed stability in their life and that means a mom that's there for them, not a sister. You've given me great advice but you miss the ball with this one. And if their dad thinks he can stop paying support he's going to have a fight on his hands.

[twinkiedooter]

So... your daughter's 40 hours will be over with soon. If not, then she can finish up in grade 10. She adores them, that is so wonderful to hear. She can still do her homework after she tucks them in bed. Then it's YOU that has the problem about this and tucking the kids into bed.

And no, I didn't miss the boat about the child support. I hope and pray for your sake that he continues to give you money to help pay for the children. If he doesn't drive then how did he get to work. Bus?

Also, just another thought. If your daughter stops doing the work for free at McDonald's are they willing to hire her and have her keep on doing her job and getting paid? That would at least help with the bills and then you could stay home and tuck in kids and make her feel she is really helping the family financially.

You should really talk to her about the family situation. Possibly if she is as mature as you make her out to be, she will be more than happy to babysit them in the evening and somehow you can let her do dance class on Tuesdays if you can re-arrnage your work sked to accommodate her. All is not lost. Just talk with her. Sounds like you haven't spoken to her about this at all.

[davjen]

I have discussed this with my daughter and she is more than willing to babysit them, I do not want to put the burden on a just turned 15 year old. And she does get paid for working at mcdonald,s. She volunteers at the health unit. The reason I want to tuck my children into bed is simply because I find them being only 18 months apart to be a handful and it would be way too much for a 15 year old to handle. I think she has enough on her plate right now is all I'm saying. And the 15 month old being premature is a big cry baby and sometimes cries for long periods. They need their mother right now in their life to be there for them. My son is extremely hurt by this and is lashing out in several different ways. Until this calms a little my place is with my children. I didn't mean you missed the boat on the support issue, I meant on the daughter babysitting issue. I know I will take the support as long as he's willing to give it cause you're right it probably will stop, and I won't be spending it foolishly. I do have some money saved up. And I have some people helping me out as well, with diapers and formula and where I could get food and stuff if need be. But thank you very much for helping me out in this matter, it truly is very appreciated.

[twinkiedooter]

Don't discount your daughter's help. Some 15 year olds are more mature than others and if she said he could help, then by all means have her at least help you with them. A friend of mine was married at 16 and had kids and she did quite well as she had helped her mom with her brothers and sisters so she knew what to do.

You are starting to sound more like you're working some things out now having had some time to really think about things. Keep it up, my dear, as I have a feeling you will come out okay on this and go on to be a good mom to all your children. Be sure to give older daughter lots of love and attention also as she needs this now as well.

[davjen]

I tell my daughter everyday how proud I am of her, and that I love her. And when I do need her help, trust me I ask. And yes, I have had some time to think about this and my head is a little clearer now. I can see that it wasn't just me but that he is also to blame, more so than me cause I'm willing to talk, he's not. I just need to hang in there till July, and things will really look up for me moneywise. I will get to claim single this year on income tax and that will make a big difference in monthly child tax benefits that I will be entitled to, so if I can hang in there, I may not have to go bankrupt after all. I have always been pretty good at saving money and I must admit we did get carried away with the credit cards, but I found it so hard to say no to this man. Trust me, it won't happen again. But thank you so much, it means a lot to me to hear that a total stranger, really seems to care that I'm going to be OK and has faith in me. Thank you.