[cuteycakes]

Hi there!

Firstly, I have to say I have chosen this site to ask for some help as nthe replies have been AMAZING and is so nice thqat people out there DO actually take the time out to help others!

I really hope you can take the time in reading this snippet of war n peace... I hope it's not too long but I feel to get an appropriate response I need to included everything (great bedtime reading for any insomniacs! )

I met my now ex nearly 4 years ago. I lived up north, he lived down south. We really connected and bonded, we have a bond like no other I have known before to be honest!

From day one, he has been a womaniser, not with me, but his ex's before too (quite badly at that) he's a police officer so it was quite easy for him too! He has freely admitted to me that he "just loves women!" he was scared of comittment at the beginning and we expereinced some real rocky patches before I gave everything up to move down here with him a year later.

To do, I have known of 11 woment that he's met (mostly just texting, picture swapping and msn chats)

each time I have forgiven. I know mad... BUT he is the MOST loving and addictive man I have ever met. Everyone falls for him and his ways/charms, he makes you feel so alive and so special!! Crazy when you think of what he's done but he has had mental problems too. He suffers from failry severe depression (he's on 150mg) and recently have realised that he has a bit of a drink problem. Not constantly drunk, b ut HATES staying in the house so goes to the pub every night and when he's down he will drink himself happ and tries to have a drink free week which he barely manages without having a couple veery night.

He is lovely though, so attentive and so loving but very intermittant with that.

Each time I have found him out (by checking his phone and PC... bad I know!) he has been so sory and blames it on us not getting on (which we HARDLY ever rowed or fell out but if we did, he'd cling onto that and get ina mood for a few days then resot to texting women to lift him up with was a viscious circle) or on him not beign well at that time before he went on medication (which hasn't cured him by the way, just helps a bit) H says I could be snappy now I know for a fact I tread on egg shells with him and sometimes how you say things can come out like you are being blunt, but I eally was so careful in what I said and lets face it who and what relatonship is perfect, but I'm sure he can't see that!

I have paid for holidays for him, have taken him away, surprised him, paid for our motorbike lessons, cleaered his credit card, bought him phones, have picked him up whenever he's wanted, have taken him to airpots when we were separated, taken him to the doctors and supported him, done his washing, doen his shopping, pandered to him in any way you think possible... I really have treated him so nicely! Granted, I've ot been perfect and there's been a couple of occasions after drinkign sessions togethe I have lost my wrag but not over small things at all!! But who is perfect? Even through the women, only twice I have shouted at him, the other times I have moved out and then within a day we are back in love and trying to sort things out... it is impossible for me to ever hold a grudge, and I so wish I could!

we are best frineds, did nearly everything together... we must have communicated through emails and nice texts all that, every day... take away the women, it would have been utterly PERFECT!!

We split up last feb, when his depression cam to a head. Id didn't leave him, but I said I just couldn't cope, I was calling out for some help from him. I felt insecure, unloved and helpless as I have never exp depression with someone before... ic ouldnt understand it. From then on, we broke up and lived together until our tennancy ran out in July. Since then, we have been on/off more times than a light swicth.

every time it has been perfect and without rows and I have trusted him implicitly (I have NEVER questioned him before or been a jealous person in the slightest despite everything. The only thing I EVER had a problem with was keeping in touh with bhis first love after three years ago I found saucy msn messages to each othr but he flipped and told me I had to trust him, so I gave in!) it's hard seeign someone you love sending pictures of initmate things to comeone else... thats hard!

as we have been on and off since feb, he has come back for up to three weeks then left saying he can't forget the past - the snappiness and me not supporting him though his depression and been here before with splitting up so many times before) then he'd be back again as he misses me immensly and I do him, then he leaves again!

The time before this time, he left and I believed it was because he couldn't forget again and we'd grown apart only to find out whilst we were back talking (and I had just cut my birthday short with my folks back home to come down and take him to the doctors) he told me he had met someone after hearing them havign a heated conversation on the phone about her being upset with him drinking again! I told him to sort things out with her and go and speak to her ouside, but she called again and right in font of me arranted for her to come down to sort it out... that hurt! Basically, she came down but she didn't stay as I told him I wanted to talk to him. We cut the contact and a week later he left her as he was pining over me (I did actually see a card from her saying how much she loved him and wanted him to change his mind so I know he left her!) he can't stand the thought of me being with anyone else and missed me so much... we got back together.

I loved and suppoted him through chnaging his emdication and having the most rocky depressive times I have known! I sorted his car problems out and arranged to sell it for him and dealt with all of that to take pressure off him. Drove him up north to sell it and did all I could to make his life easier whilst he was going through a rough patch.

he then came out the otherside of drink and depression AMAZINGLY! He told me I was being PERFECT and couldn't do anythign different. He was happy, so was I!!

Then I noticed one night whilst we were out he was texting a ,ot again so I checked his phone... it was rude texts to some woman AGAIN! I was devaststed beyond belief and I LOST it!! I boke his phone and slapped him on the head (as us women do) and was wanting to hurt him so much... he then lost it and started to strangle me on the sofa which I had horrifc marks and bruising from and was trying to hut me by banging my wrists down on the lamiate flooring.

I did start it thought by damaging his proety (phone) and hittign him, so even though he shouldn't... so shouldn't I!!

That was a week ago. I miss him like mad, I know he won't change and also he is going to America in sept for m ontsh to where his dad's moved to (his dad was also an alcoholic and a womaniser with depression but is all happy and changed now!) with aview to stay out if he can. His dad loved and aodred me beyond belief but my ex has obviously told him stuff to make him not like me anymore, so when I suggested I could have gone with him, I can't for that fact. And I know for a fact I am not a favourite with his dad... I haven't been an angel, when we split up last yeay, I was so upset and on his birthday he went home early and me and his best mate stayed out. He walked me home and NOTHING happened but I wanted him to be jealous to want me again (pull on heart strings - mad I know, but you know women and drink... hehe) so downstairs I was ONLY saying "i'm too lazy, feed me the coffee" and he cannot forget nor forgive that, so that combined with my non support last year when he was ill, I think that's why his dad may have a problem with me!

he wants DESPWRATELy to settle down with a family more than naything, but obviously he has a problem with women and I'm not sure if now h will chage if he meets the ight one.

we have an incredible bond, and he is devastated beyond belief that we haven't worked (according to his mum) he adores me and thinks the world of me but he has the issue of loving me but loving women too which is plausible.

I just want to move on - how can I?? I am so sad and alone here, my wold for the last fou years has always been about him!!

I KNOW what you're all going to say "to be like this he doesnt care or love you" BUT I am not a naïve person despite it all sounding like I am, I am VERY switched on (woman's intuition) and until you're in it you won't see how much he adores me. He finds it so hard to forget and move on from ex's... so much, but he does have a problem with loving them and wanting more candy in the store!!

In the tru Jerry Springer style, my final though of the day (thank goodness for that I hear you cry!! ) He did the women things because a) he loves women and b) when he's low with his depression, it's a pick me up which he knows is wrong! I also know that he will NEVER change as the last time he did it, we were happy and taking thin gs slow to see if we could sort things out or not and he was feeling alive too, but still did it, so as much as it seems I want him back, I know I have to move on as I will only be unhappy, but yet I feel trapped because I just can't forget him and miss everythign so much.

How do you forget someone you adore so much?

Thanks so much - happy new year to you all

J x

P.s don't forget, no one is perfect and I do have my faults like evryone, please don't think I am holier than thou or perfect from what I have typed

[talaniman]

You wrote a lot, nothing that I haven't seen from a hurt person who is confused. But honestly from what you have written, your fighting a losing battle. In your own words he will never change, (unlike his meds, and women) his behavior. Another thing,

a great and funny personality with good jobs and even better morals in life.

After 11 women that you know of, either your in denial or are loveblind or both. You came to the right place. Leave this poison person alone and cut the contact, and read the links in my signature. ( only fair for reading your whole post) your alternative is keep being miserable and accept him for what he is. Your choice.

[cuteycakes]

Hi Talaniman!

thanks so much for your response... didnt think id get one so quick too!!

I have actually read some of your bits from other posts and have actually agreed with all of them! I know life will improve, but you just can't see it yet after you've got so many bloomin memories whizzing through your mind.

Like I said, I don't want to get back (only if I could look into the future and see what lays ahead, as I cant, I know I won't go back) BUT I am finding it so hard to feel happy, to not miss him, I even whizz all the wrong doings round my mind which seem to have little or n effect!

I just want to know how to move on and how long it can actually take to feel happy and not miss them!!

Thanks again talaniman - hope you're happy in life and all the best for 08!

J x

P.s I have actually started to see friends more, get hobbies and a little p/t bar job

[friend4u178]

Hi J
Wow long read :-)
You sound like you know what you have to do , so really you just need to Bite the bullet and do it. He will never change and to honest I can't believe you have stayed this long.

Ok so it's not going to be easy you know that , never is. But I think once you decide you really just have to go with it and withstand the pain for how ever long it takes , time is the great healer. That means no contact from now , as time goes you will heal , but don't break it or you will just go back to square one. Read all the posts on here and realise your not the only person hurting , there are literally thousands.

And then come on here and vent when you need to , there are lots of great people on here who are happy to listen and give an encouraging word when your feeling down.

I wish you luck!

[cuteycakes]

Thanks so much for your response and the post you made about what to expect was very encouraging indeed!! Just really hard whne you know how good you were together and all you have had and those "happy times!" It's also hard when you still love someone so much that you can't bear the thought of not being eith them despite knowing you shouldn't and won't be too!! Just want that fast forward button!! Hehe.

Happy new year to you!!

J x

[friend4u178]

Thanks so much for your response and the post you made about what to expect was very encouraging indeed!!!! Just really hard whne you know how good you were together and all you have had and those "happy times!" It's also hard when you still love someone so much that you can't bear the thought of not being eith them despite knowing you shouldnt and wont be too!!!! Just want that fast forward button!!! hehe.

happy new year to you!!!

J x

Fast forward button , there are lots of people who would pay for one of those :-)

But honestly when you read all the posts on here you will realise that they all say these things "we were so good together" "he/she is the only one for me" etc. etc.

Bottom line is this relationship will never work if he doesn't change his ways and by the sound of it he won't/can't. Do yourself a favour and Bite the bullet , its not easy I know , but you know yourself you need to do it. Again like I said before time is a great healer but 3 months from now you will will so happy you finally made the decision , then as time passes you will get happier. Don't you wish you had done this 12 months ago.

[cuteycakes]

Yup, I do!! I agree with all you're saying and I know that one day I will be happy again - just hard until you reach that day! Hopefully I will be on here in time to come announcing the marriage or birth of a child with someone who has made me happy!!

Your words are very encouraging and thank you so much!!

See you in three months!!

[friend4u178]

It's a pleasure... and don't wait 3 months to come back , come back when you feel weak and need to vent , we are always here.

Keep us posted!

[Mr-Blank]

Ahhh the fast forward button - the most annoying thing people told me was "give it time and you'll be fine"... I didn't want to give it time, I wanted to be healed straight away. You will struggle through the first few months and then it will hit you, your back having fun again and you'll wonder why you didn't cut contact earlier. I guess you've got to take the good with the bad, but you'll be fine in the long run.

Sounds like you have a lot of love to give - you should be giving it to someone who you are completely happy with!

[cuteycakes]

Why are you all so sensible... you are all so very right!! Funny, but when I say no contact 9/10 he's the first to come texting back... just like he did 5 minutes ago! He can't let go, but doesn't want to go back either! I'm still being bloomin mothering and just bought hima flippin pill pot because he's got his tablets mixed up again... but I have vowed to not contact OR be mother theresa anymore and have taken head f your kind advice. Just need this time thing to do it's job... just hope it will and I won't be one of these that take years to heal!!

[Mr-Blank]

Good on you! Ignoring your Ex's contact will get easier over time. Just keep busy especially when he contacts you, go to the gym or watch a movie, anything to keep your mind off breaking the no contact.

I've seen my sister give the best 10 years of her life away to someone who did not appreciate her... hopefully the 4 years you invested in the relationship teach you exactly what you want in your next partner!

[friend4u178]

Why are you all so sensible....you are all so very right!!!

LOL... because we have either been there or have seen it all before

Funny, but when i say no contact 9/10 he's the first to come texting back....just like he did 5 mins ago! he can't let go, but doesnt want to go back either!! i'm still being bloomin mothering and just bought hima flippin pill pot cos he's got his tablets mixed up again....but i have vowed to not contact OR be mother theresa anymore!!!

Well stop texting back etc. that is NOT NC! And no more Mother Theresa

just need this time thing to do it;s job.....just hope it will and i wont be one of these that take years to heal!!!

Time will do the trick if you let it , if you break No Contact you will go back to square one and it all starts again. So you just need to be strong and ride it out.

[cuteycakes]

Do you know how lon it took for my tiny brain to work out what "NC" meant?? :-s

Hopefully one day he will realise what he lost hey - hehe. He's off to the states (feel sorry for you guys!! ) so I'm sure by then I will be all OK and littl chance for him being around me!

[friend4u178]

Do you know how lon it took for my tiny brain to work out what "NC" meant??!!?? :-s!

You will see NC all the time on here , glad you finally got it :-)

Hopefully one day he will realise what he lost hey - hehe. he's off to the states (feel sorry for you guys!!!) so im sure by then i will be all ok and littl chance for him being around me!

I'm sure he will , by that time hopefully you are healed. We aren't all from the States BTW , so lucky for me I won't bump into him.