[DMA]

I don't really want to kill myself but sometimes I feel that I should. It may be the right thing to do because it is what other people would want and everyone would be better off without me. I am just a waste of space. Useless. Worthless.

I can't even look at myself I am so disgusting. Physically and emotionally.

I feel bad for even posting this. I am taking your attention away from people who deserve your help. I do not deserve it.

I don't even know how I feel sometimes. I am so pathetic.

I try and be a good person. I do not want to hurt anyone. Everyone just puts me down, ridicules me. Everything I do is not good enough. Everyone has a problem with me. Why do people hate me? Why do I hate myself? I am sorry for being me. I am sorry for being here. I am a bad person, there is no excuse for me.

I need people to survive. I need someone to employ me. I need people to not feel so alone. I need people to like me, but people do not want to know. The world has rejected me. I should leave this world. I should just die.

[twinkiedooter]

The world has not rejected you, dear. You sound like you are just lonely and afraid right now.

Killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem as the saying goes.

You did not go into your circumstances very much such as are you having marital problems, unemployed, homeless, etc.

[DMA]

I am 21, male, unemployed.

I've been trying to get a job for a few months with no success. That on its own would not make me feel so bad. That is just one very small part. Every job application I sent off I know they just put it right in the bin. Every one I try and apply for becomes more and more difficult and hurts more and more every time I don't even get a reply. Yes I know you have to apply to lots but like I said that's just one small part that reinforces my belief that I am worthless and not wanted.

The main major thing that's gone wrong in my life I can't really tell you. I only want to say I now have a criminal record. Sorry to be so vague but I don't know what else to say about it. I have not hurt anyone - directly or indirectly. I don't understand why everyone has such a problem with me :(

[jmiles]

You need to seek counceling seriously... it is not healthy to think that way... it sounds like you need to talk to someone and resolve some things that are hidden within... you deserve to have help and you are not worthless.. and you need to stay away from those that put you down and find something to bring you up!!

[Bellagrace19]

Is there anything that makes you happy? Anything at all? You have to find some type of happiness?
You said that you are currently looking for jobs, etc, have you considered going to college or anything like that?
I know what you are going through, I have followed that same difficult path that you are on, with a 2 year old pulling on my shirt tail the whole way. It never gets easier, it only gets harder, but that is what makes you who you are. And very soon someone will respect you for the respect that you have for yourself and others.
If you present yourself like you are down and out, then that is how people look at you.
If you go in for a job interview, etc, present yourself well, go in with a smile on your face, holding your head high, as if you are too well qualified for the job, that is what they want. Confidence, is the key to everything...
Hope to hear back from you

[DMA]

My life is empty. I can watch a good film and escape reality for a little bit. Even laugh. But I am not happy. I may be deeply depressed.

I was at university (aka college in USA) last year. I left because it wasn't working out. That was an expensive mistake.

I have not even had a job interview yet. I find it so difficult to apply for a job now... I really believe no one would want to employ me. What doesn't kill me makes me weaker.

[Bellagrace19]

A friend of mine works at a funeral home/cemetary, and she said that in a case like yours, "suicide", it often leaves the family in dismay, and leave them wondering "what if", so I suggest you go and talk to your family members, and get an understanding with them, and they could possibly help you out

[twinkiedooter]

I agree. You should talk with your parents if you can do that. I know some parents are not approachable as they have too many problems of their own. On a previous post you said that you lived at home. Well, this would preclude you from being homeless. So right there you have something to be thankful about.

You needs friends. You need something more than watching movies to just make you happy for a short period. Right now you have too much time to do too much thinking on just how miserable you are.

Do you have a car and go out for a drive in the countryside marveling at the beauty of God's universe and this wonderufl planet we call Earth? Do you have any hobbies? Do you play a musical instrument?

Constantly dwelling on negative thoughts will do you no good and only make you worse.

Life has a purpose for you and right now your purpose has not made itself known to you. Some people never realize their purpose no matter how old they get, so don't be so hard on yourself now.

Getting a girl friend would be okay for you but that has it's drawbacks also unless it was a friendship. Romance does not solve a problem like yours and can make it worse in the long run. It would be a temporary fix though to get you out of the doldrums and wake you up to the fact you are young and have a full life ahead of you.

For starters you need to make a list of things you are thankful for. Your good health. The fact that you have all your arms and legs. The fact that you are intelligent to know you can get out of this situation. The fact you can see and hear, feel, smell the wonderful world around you.

[DMA]

That is not easy. I think my dad has put me down more than any other person. "If you don't like it here why don't you move out?!" he said that to me on my birthday a few days ago :( plus a few other things...

My mum cannot help. We do not communicate well and she wouldn't know what to do anyway. She tells me to be nice to dad.


I wish I did know how to get out of this situation. My experience of the world is cruel and painful. Better of by myself... for a while, except now I feel so alone. I can distract myself during the day and not feel bad. I am trying to deal with my feelings not just ignore them like I used to do. I am not doing so well I think :(

I am not ready to quit yet. Having random people try and help me on its own gives me some strength. I am trying to figure out why you guys would care. I have become far too cynical I think.

Don't know what I am going to do. I feel complete despair.

[Bellagrace19]

You have let your sadness overcome your happiness and willing to be something in life... YOu can't do that.
I go through a lot of rough patches, and just think giving up would be the answer, and then I think how stupid is that, that is the easy way out of a problem to just give up, so I try to complete that and go for bigger goals to succeed in, you just have to find something you are good at, ignore others, and only do what's best for you.
You do have friends, if you didn't random people off the internet would not be trying to offer advice to you...
I shun no one. Everyone has a chance...
I hope this is helping you, I am off work now, and will be back on Monday if you want to continue talking... Virginia

[twinkiedooter]

Your dad is probably perplexed as well on this. To say that to you on your birthday was rather cruel of him, but you are living under his roof now so I guess he feels he has the right to say that. As I said, some parents don't have time for their children and the older the children get the more the parents move away mentally. Your mom is deferring to her husband at this point in time so don't think she is "against you" as well.

The reason we care here is because not everyone has the benefit of being able to get out and be around other people and have friends to help them. We care because we choose to care and try and help others who need help. I for one don't especially like a lot of the people that live around me and I chose not to be friends with, friendly yes, friends no. The internet is a great place to have friends... although you can't just go visit them physically.

Your perception of the world is a bit off just now. The fact that it has been cruel and painful to you tells me that yourself esteem is low right now. Have you read any books about self esteem? Is there a library near you that you can check out some books and actually do some reading on this? The librarian can show you where they are and help you make a selection if you can't decide.

Have you started on your list of "Things I have to be grateful for" yet?

[DMA]

I have got one book already. Calming Your Anxious Mind. I have only just started it but it seems like a good book. I don't think I have an anxiety disorder but the book is still relevant.


Things I have to be grateful for... I will really try.

[twinkiedooter]

That book is a good start as you are anxious about a lot of things. It should give you some insight also. It appears to be a good book for starters for you and I would definitely read it slowly and think about each chapter as you go along.

Do get a book on self esteem. This will help you realize that you are worthwhile and give you plenty of reasons and examples of just how worhwhile and wonderful you actually are!

[Choux]

DMA, you seem to be caving in on yourself, becoming smaller and smaller. This is a very scarey situation, so you MUST get professional help immediately.

You don't want to die, you want to find someone to help you learn how to live. :)

[templelane]

Here's an idea to help you with getting a job- try volunteering for a while. You can gain skills, experience and it looks really good on your CV. Organisations which take on volunteers sometimes have job openings for non volunteers or can help you find a paying job. You are still young so perhaps a youth organisation would be worth a try. It will also get you out of the house meeting new people and helping someone can help give you a purpose. I found when I was depressed it was the single best thing I did to drag myself out of it.

Good luck

[DMA]

Not sure that a book on self esteem would help me. There is nothing I can say to myself that would make me feel better. My brain would reject this information as inaccurate because of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Volunteer work may be good. Except... isn't that accepting that my time and resources really are worth nothing at all? templelane, what did you volunteer for? Did you already have a job as well?

[coldnorthernspirit]

First of all, I am no counsellor or a physchogololist (however you spell it), however, I am more of a human being hearing what you have to say, and to answer your question, your not worthless and the world would not be better off without you.

I understand where you are coming from, for a long time I felt the same way as you did, still do sometimes, and I though no one would help me, not even myself. Instead, I tried to let go.. and the more I let go, the more released of feelings I had. I want to tell you, person to person, that even though I don't know you, your still someone who I would like to know and if something happened to you, it would always be on my mind and also the people who love you.

One thing I have found out that seemed to help me when I was in times of trouble was that even though I thought people didn't love me, I had to learn to love myself.. who I was, what I liked to do, what I enjoyed, basically all the things that made me... ME! :) and if I didn't have anyone to talk to, I would write and basically talk to myself.. and if I felt alone, or scared and felt no one wanted me, I went for coffee or did something that involved a small crowd, and I would accept the company that was around me.. sometimes all it takes, is to know yourself first.. and learn to cherish yourself and who you are, even if no one will listen. There is always someone watching you, you just don't know it yet.

Also.. another word of advice would be to talk and explain your feelings to your friends and family. I am sure they are just misunderstanding you and you should let them know how you feel so they can help you... you just have to open up. Hope that helps, and please take care...


From stranger to stranger.. here's to thinking of you.

[wewed100606]

Hey bro! How is my brother from the other side of the pond? Hey man... I honestly am not that far away from your thinking paterns. I have a lot of family problems right now. I go a couple little kids (cutest kids in the world) and an amazing wife, whom I hurt very badly. I think the way you are thinking daily. Which is why I came here. I actually found that I am of some use to some people. I know a little about a lot and a lot about little, but I have helped some people. It has been an amazing therapy for me. To feel like I can give someone something. I know how you are feeling. I think about death everyday my man! The thing is, you got to find something. You should really get a therapist or counselor... helped me a ton after only three sessions. Life is tough bro! We are both at an age of transition and you start to lose your identity and feel like you don't fit what you used to be or what everyonethinks you should be. You wll find you niche man! Just be grateful you have parents willing to help you out right now. Get back on your feet. Stay at it. When you get through this... and you will... it will be an amazing sense of accomplishment. It is a ty place where we are at. No one who has never been there would ever understand. I do. I am there dude. There is ight at the end of the tunnel though. You did the right thing coming to visit us! Keep your chin up! It just takes one little break to get the ball rolling, before you know it you will be in a flat of your own guzzlin' Guinness and spending big coin on your hot girlfriends! Really though man, don't underestimate the power of having someone to talk to. Get some help. You can come at me if it makes things worse ;-)

Drop me a line if you ever want to talk. I am here a lot!

[DMA]

Hi, thanks for the comments.


I have people telling me that the internet is bad for me. They say I'm withdrawn and it is a causing some of my problems. I was glad I found this forum. You have helped me. Some of your comments made me smile. I cannot remember the last time people were this nice to me... but now I just don't know. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Everything I do is bad or wrong. I learn my mother is upset with my situation and not finding a job. My closest family is becoming negatively affected by me just being... me. They are going to want to get rid of me soon. Anyone I meet will only suffer because of me. People should stay away from me. I am like poison.

Now the internet may be disabled or severely limited in my home to 'help me'. All I will have is myself for company. With only myself I start to think. When I do that I realize what a sh*t person I am. I feel bad again for asking for help here... I was wrong to do it. I should not be on the internet. But I do not know what else to do now.

Should I leave this place? I need another person to tell me... what is wrong with me being on here talking to you guys? I have no one else now. Isn't that pathetic?

[onlinecounsellor_Dale]

Hi DMA

I am sorry to hear you are suffering so much right now. It clearly sounds like you are having trouble finding much meaning and/or pleasure in life. It also concerns me to know how badly you feel about yourself – no doubt feeling this way explains, in part, your sense of every day being a struggle.

I understand that the thought of continuing to live with your current level of despair and hopelessness may feel intolerable, but I do not believe that you want to die (you simply want your pain to stop, right?).

The good news is that there are people who care and who can help. You have already taken the first step of reaching out to others by posting on here. How do you feel about that decision now? I'm hoping that the number of replies, the suggestions they offer and the concern expressed within them, may help you to see that there are people who are interested in understanding your perspective and offering their assistance.

I hope that you will continue the process you have begun on here, and let the people around you know just how alone you are feeling. I would also recommend that you talk to a professional such as your local Doctor who will be able to diagnosis whether you are suffering from depression and offer appropriate treatment and/or referral to counselling.

Take care
Dale