[Eugene W]

Okay, here is my situation...

About three months ago I met a girl that I really started to like. We get along wonderfully
And, as sappy as it may sound, really started connecting. I already new that she was a
Mom of two children and that it had only been about four months since her and her husband had separated at this point as we had done a lot of talking and just hanging out
After work over coffee. After a couple of months of flirting and getting to know one another it just happened, nothing overtly sexual, we just ended up kissing one evening
After a fun night out with a pair of mutual friends. Neither of us felt anything but positive about it and decided to go from flirting to really dating.

Everything was going great for the first month. By the end of it I had met her kids and
Really liked both of them, better yet they seemed to like me! We both knew that we
Needed to let things happen and not rush into anything to serious, but still you can't help
It some times! I'm a Christmas spirit junkie and couldn't resist having them all over
For dinner, hot chocolate and Rudolph! Anyway back on topic...

Literally the first day of the new year everything hit a brick wall. Her to be ex husband
Got the call that he is being sent to Iraq. This means that he wants to see his kids as
Much as he can before he has to go. I do not hold anything against him for this, BUT
It means that she is going to have to move back to her home town about three hours
Away just so that she can be with them as well. With all emotion running around at this
Point she told me two nights ago that as much as she is starting to love me she may
Still be in love with him...

Now, let me detail their past a little.
He is a dictator. He told her how to dress, where she could go, what of her friends she
Was allowed to talk to even what music she could listen to! He is also a drunk and a
REPEATED cheater. She wanted out of the marriage two years ago, but stuck in there
For the kids. Finally she got tired of that reason as he reallyis not a good father at all.
He has two kids, the one that looks like him he pampers while the one that has his mom's
Red hair he ignores and considers a failure at the age of four!

Talking with her about it has really pegged it down as being in love with the IDEA of her
Baby's dad rather than the man himself. She is in love with her children I know, and I
Love that about her. Those two kids are the most important people in her life! BUT I
Believe that they are the reason for the way she is feeling right now. The only good
Thing she has to say about him her self is she is in love with the SEX they had. That last
Bit of information wasn't told to me directly, but by one of our mutual friends after
They had been out for a few drinks. ALSO note that this girl and myself have NOT had
Sex at this point! It has almost happened, but she really wanted to wait before that
Entered the picture and I respect that without question.

So, what should I guy do? I don't want to lose her, but I know if I try holding on to hard
I risk losing her even more. I really feel potential here if we can just get through this
Rough spot. She hasen't talked about ending OUR relationship at all, she just told me
What was going on in her head rather than keep it in.

[George_1950]

Just curious: how did you two meet? Through work? School?

Two red flags: 1) she is moving; did she recently move to where you are? And, 2) "she told me two nights ago that as much as she is starting to love me she may still be in love with him...."

Do you think these may be mixed signals? And, is she confusing you?

[Marriedguy]

Sorry to hear of this situation. Four months is not enough time to move on. It is evident that your girlfriend has not. The relationship foundation is not really solid. Whether he is being deployed to Iraq (which is doubtful) didn't mean she needed to move near him this is a huge mistake and I wished you posted before the move because I would have told you to fight like hell to prevent this. She at this point has not made the decision that she has her own life. She is sacrificing her relationship with you because she believes that she is putting the kids first. She uprooted the children from school just to say that she giving the ex-husband easier access to the children. If the ex-husband wanted to spend more time with the kids it is his responsibility to make that happen. Honestly, he could care less about spending more time with the children.

I'm advice is to end this relationship. I know this is not what you want but think about it. If you ride it out are you willing to be in a long distance relationship? Did she mention anything about her moving back when he is deployed? What happens if she decides that she wants to give him another chance? Even if she does gives her time to get over him and realize that your are the better choice.

You are probably better for her but love clouds your judgments.

[talaniman]

A month after a divorce, you hooked up and fell in love 3 months later. The first red flag is, she is a stranger your getting to know, and even though the attraction is mutual and intense, your in danger of being blinded to the fact she is still fresh from a failed relationship. She needs a lot of time, to get healthy again. Your danger is your moving to fast, and investing a lot of emotion on someone who needs time to adjust. Thank God you haven't thrown sex in the mix. Its to early to know how she, or you really fit together, as basically you still are just dating, and getting to know each other. The other red flag, is your insecurity already, knowing that these two people who were married, are tied together through their kids, and will have that contact with him leaving, but also if he makes it back. Another red flag, is your forgetting she has moved away from him, and needs adjustment time now, and when she returns. Slow the train down, and give you both time to adjust. She can't just shut off her old feelings, or shirk her obligations, nor should she. You must give her time. I'm not saying move on, but I am saying don't put a lot of eggs in her basket at this time, and don't focus all your heart and attention on her.

[pixiemoore]

I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner's past relationships - brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores - Kindle or paperback!