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gigi doug · Jan 8, 2008, 08:08 PM

Hi I'm new to this site and was hoping someone could give me some advice about a tricky situation.. The whole thing is so complicated but basically I went out with this guy who I was totally in love with for about a year. The relationship has always been kind of rocky and I have broken up with him many times always getting back together. About a month ago things got really bad between us and he broke up with (for the first time) saying he doesn't love me, he's not the guy for me etc. after trying to get him back I gave up and started dating someone else. We decided to be friends though and kept in touch. Last weekend however we were at the same party and ended up making out the whole night, it was just the way it used to be and brought back my old feelings for him again. Which sucks because I was just coming to terms with it all and starting to move on. But anyway we have talked since then but only just casually. I was wondering if anyone can give me a non biased opinion on what he's playing at?

jrebel7 · Jan 9, 2008, 01:02 AM

You didn't say if your new boyfriend was at the party and if not why. Are you just casually dating this new person?

Knowing someone else wanted to date you, makes you more appealing to your ex. Making out with him, gives him a sense that all is OK. He still has a hold on you emotionally and I am sure gave you some happiness also at the time. Since the conversations have only been casual since that time and he has not indicated his desire to get back together, I would say perhaps he was just marking territiory, feeding his ego, giving him back what you also received from it, a wonderful feeling of the familiar. Letting go is difficult but when it is over, it is best to move on, begin the healing, and not look back. (This is not to say people cannot get back together but I am speaking in general terms.) If you still feel confused about it, just ask him. Communication is paramount to any relationship. No harm in being just friends if the boundaries are understood on both sides. Confusion comes in when one or the other revert back to enjoy the familiar with no intentions of having a future with that person.

gigi doug · Jan 9, 2008, 03:26 AM

Thanks for the feedback I think you are right about him feeding his ego as he does love to show off at times. Yes the new guy I am seeing was at the party but only for a little while.. I am just casually dating him because he is leaving to live overseas soon and anyway I don't think I could get into another relationship right now because I obviously still have strong feelings for my ex. I want to ask him if it meant anything but at the same time am scared that it won't be what I want to hear so maybe I'll just leave it? How do I act the next time I see him though like nothing happened?Or just assume its OK to be like that with him from now on, as in kiss/hold hands etc?

sully123 · Jan 9, 2008, 03:37 AM

I wouldn't run after him anymore, he thinks he can just have you when he wants you now that your dating someone else. Play hard to get they respect you more out the end. Don't make yourself so available. Sometimes we learn this when its too late.

talaniman · Jan 9, 2008, 09:30 AM

He can't do anything you don't let him do. He accomplished his mission, he stirrred up those old feelings, and you let him. Not good.

gigi doug · Jan 9, 2008, 07:27 PM

Thanks you are right I just still want him back for some reason I can't just let it go so that's not an option for me right now.And when he broke up with me he said he didn't have any feelings for me anymore but last weekend gave me hope that he still does because it was more than just the making out we were acting like we were a couple again, just like it used to be, one of his best friends also told me that he wants to get back together with me so badly its just his "ego" that's stopping him.Not really sure what he meant by that but I definitely don't want to seem too available to him. How do I go about trying to get him back without giving off this impression though? I have done the no contact thing and now we are supposed to be "friends" so can't go back to no contact. Does anyone have any ideas?I'm going to this bar with my friends tonight and he will be there.. Any suggestions on what I should be like towards him, as it will be the first time we see each other since we hooked up..

gigi doug · Jan 9, 2008, 07:42 PM

Bdw I forgot to mention that as far as I know he is also seeing someone else at the moment.. any suggestions would be very helpful!

George_1950 · Jan 10, 2008, 04:57 PM

Stay sober and be pleasant. It just sounds to me that you are into mind games, which aren't fun, are they? I think time and distance is what you need to separate from the fog and confusion of being too close, perhaps too dependent.

gigi doug · Jan 10, 2008, 05:00 PM

OK so I saw him last night and he basically said that the only reason it happened was because he was drunk that night!What a jerk I feel so stupid for falling for it I thought I could be OK with it but I'm not. How drunk could he have been, even when you are drunk you still know what your doing right?? Man I feel like an idiot I suppose I should have just let it go but I had to talk to him about it.Argh now I feel like I'm right back at square one!He did say he isn't seeing anyone though.. yet.I have decided not to contact him anymore though its just too hard I can't be friends with him when I want more and it seems like he doesn't care at all.. I just don't understant why his friend would out of the blue come up to me and say he wants me back etc etc its not like I asked him or anything?Does anyone have any thoughts about this? Any suggestions would be very helpful! I don't know why I'm stuck in this situation and have been for so long he is honestly like a drug to me I wish I could just completely forget about him like the whole thing never happened!

George_1950 · Jan 10, 2008, 06:19 PM

You are in the right place so read the stickies at the beginning. Like a drug? That is a dependency situation; I can't explain it but I've been there. Getting away is like 'cold turkey'. No Contact will work for you.

jrebel7 · Jan 10, 2008, 06:50 PM

Originally Posted by gigi doug

ok so I saw him last night and he basically said that the only reason it happened was because he was drunk that night!What a jerk I feel so stupid for falling for it I thought I could be ok with it but I'm not. How drunk could he have been, even when you are drunk you still know what your doing right??!Man I feel like an idiot I suppose I should have just let it go but I had to talk to him about it.Argh now I feel like I'm right back at square one!He did say he isnt seeing anyone though..yet.I have decided not to contact him anymore though its just too hard I can't be friends with him when I want more and it seems like he doesnt care at all..I just dont understant why his friend would out of the blue come up to me and say he wants me back etc etc its not like I asked him or anything?Does anyone have any thoughts about this??Any suggestions would be very helpful! I dont know why I'm stuck in this situation and have been for soo long he is honestly like a drug to me I wish I could just completely forget about him like the whole thing never happened!

You have received some really sound advice on this thread. You chose to continue to pursue what you hoped for. It didn't work out and now you feel as you say, "like an idiot". Sometimes we are in situations where the only way we are going to be able to end the drama is by going through it. You went through it. PLease don't kick yourself too hard or for too long. Just regroup. Realize the things that have been shared with you are most likely coming from experiences either from ourselves through the years or close friends and is good advice. We are all just trying to save you further emotional pain and our hope is for you to move forward with your life. Be aware that after the initial hurt and embarrassment wears off, you will probably begin to think maybe there is a chance, maybe he didn't really mean it. RED FLAGS everywhere! Move forward, it will hurt and you will miss him for awhile but it will get less and less. Best to you.

gigi doug · Jan 10, 2008, 08:53 PM

Thanks everyone I have definitely made up my mind this time. Definitely no more contact! You're right this always happens after a while I start to think that maybe he didn't mean it because he is nice to me etc and there comes the false hope again!Honestly I can't believe I let this guy get under my skin like this.This time I'm determined to be strong though, there's no point in pretending that I am OK for us to be friends when something like this is likely to happen again and bang back at square one again!I'm so angry I allowed this to happen but oh well the past is the past and I'm just going to have to move forward. I just wish that he was also hurting at least a little I mean its like he does not feel anything at all anymore, like the past year never happened.I know it shouldn't matter but I think it's that that really bothers me..

jrebel7 · Jan 10, 2008, 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by gigi doug

Thanks everyone I have definitely made up my mind this time. Definitely no more contact!!You're right this always happens after a while I start to think that maybe he didnt mean it because he is nice to me etc and there comes the false hope again!Honestly I can't believe I let this guy get under my skin like this.This time im determined to be strong though, theres no point in pretending that I am ok for us to be friends when something like this is likely to happen again and bang back at square one again!I'm soo angry I allowed this to happen but oh well the past is the past and i'm just going to have to move forward. I just wish that he was also hurting atleast a little I mean its like he does not feel anything at all anymore, like the past year never happened.I know it shouldnt matter but I think its that that really bothers me..

Try not to be angry with yourself and just congratulate yourself for making a conscious decision that will improve your life and self-esteem! Good for you! :)

gigi doug · Jan 14, 2008, 10:21 PM

So I've been doing really good with no contact.Except for a little incident with him commenting on a photo of me on myspace but that's not that imp. The problem is on wed and thurs nights I go to these bars with my friends that he always goes to. I actually have made up my mind that I don't want him back and don't want to see him so I was considering not going.Also whenever he sees me he thinks I went there to see him!As if he "owns" the bars. Omg he is such a narcissist!Anyway I was considering not going but than why should I change my routine just for him?As though he is such an important influence on my life!I'm free to do what I please right.. Also when I see him I will just say hi and not bother making conversation or anything. Might show up with a date as well.. Or is that going too far?Any suggestions? Is this a good idea?

talaniman · Jan 22, 2008, 09:40 AM

The best way to get played, is trying to play someone for your own agenda. Its hurtful, deceitful, childish, and immature. The better way is to find new people, places, and things to enjoy, and disappear from his life, and get one that makes you happy.

jrebel7 · Jan 22, 2008, 12:31 PM

gigi doug, the advice just given by talaniman is the best advice I have read in a long time. It certainly applies to your situation and could apply to many other of life's situations. If you take talaniman's advice, you will be on to a happier future, if not, you will continue to be stuck. I hope you take talaniman's words to heart. Best to you!