[buzzin]

well what do you know, she recently called and said she wants to move back in with me and that she is miserable with her ex. However she says she is "too scared" to move back and that she doesn't have any definite plans.

if that's the case she needs to quit bothering me. It just seemed to get my hopes up (right as I was starting to get over her).

the one guys advice about telling her its BS and to choose RIGHT NOW seems to make sense now =)

[spartan24018]

Tell her to not call you and keep making empty promises. She's rather irrational and impulsive, you should accept her and love her when she finally cuts everything with the loser boyfriend. Do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel?

[AnnieMac713]

If its true love she'll come around;if not it sounds like it's her loss

[buzzin]

Yeah I agree. My debate right now is whether to tell her its now or never, or to just ignore her and go on with my life until she is really ready to move back.

The worst part is I have put a couple ladies I was dating on "hold" because I didn't want to take it further with them and end up hurting them if my ex-gf did move back.

[talaniman]

Don't be in a big hurry to let her come back, she is only testing the water. Its like putting in a reservation to a restaurant. Calling ahead to make sure you reserve a spot and get rid of anyone else. Maybe he didn't pay his cable bill and she is THINKING of bailing, back to you, old reliable. Enough is enough. Using you as a rebound, to a now twice failed relationship, is not healthy. Neither is stopping your healing to even consider it.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

She will go back to him, the same drama will happen and then she will start contacting you in 6-9 months. But unfortunately, you are second best. Been there before.

OK so I was wrong she only lasted 1 month, she is weaker than I thought.

You need to tell her, either you come back right now or never talk to me again and mean it. Time to be a total prick, no more nice guy. Obviously she responded to this cause this was how the other guy acted. Unfortunately, without the unselfish love, she is ruined property.

My advice is to see her, maybe now you will really see her for who she is and the feelings will fade and you will be done with her. But, even if you do still have feelings, don't fall for her trap, she will never respect you and SHE WILL LEAVE YOU AGAIN. She walked all over you and threw another guy in your face. Basically she said, "I can do whatever I want, and lie to you and you will believe me!"

This is not a good long term catch. So think logically now not emotionally, you need to suck it up and tell her, "I'm sorry, I just don't think we have a future together". (warning, if you do this she will start chasing you)

OR, this could be time for payback. Throw the other girls you are dating in her face. Set up 2 dates in the same day, her first, then abruptly end the date and tell her you have to go see your girlfriend.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

yeah i agree. my debate right now is whether to tell her its now or never, or to just ignore her and go on with my life until she is really ready to move back.

the worst part is i have put a couple ladies i was dating on "hold" b/c i didn't want to take it further with them and end up hurting them if my ex-gf did move back.

Don't put them on hold. But, don't lead them on if you are not ready, they don't deserve what you went through. If you like them, but are not ready, hang out as friends and see if something develops. I went through a breakup with someone similar to what your dealing with and started dating a few really nice girls. It didn't go anywhere because I was still hung up on the past. But I am still friends with those girls today.

[jrebel7]

Buzzin - Talaniman is "Dead On" in his advice.

Talaniman, I tried to share the love but it wouldn't allow me to at this time but you are right on the money with your advice as I see the situation.

Buzzin, I know it is hard to let go but no future in this except short periods of bliss then you are still going to be blowin' in the wind. The girls you are putting on hold with not be there forever. Turn it around and think about it. Much luck to you... but am hoping for your sake, you take Talaniman's advice. Healing interrupted is sometimes, healing destroyed. You will heal but the healing you have been attempting will be done away with if you give in to this gal only to have to go through this process again.

[buzzin]

Very true... if only I could ignore emotions and just act logically!

[jrebel7]

Affairs of the heart do not like logic nor react to it generally! A decision had to be made and a commitment to yourself to stick with the decision. Not an easy task. By all posts, I am sure you see this. Now it is up to you. We all go through times we can't let go. Eventually after much hurt, we do make the decision. When you have had enough, you will make the decision to move on and wonder why it took so long. Hind sight is always 20/20.

[buzzin]

My ex keeps calling and telling me she wants to move back in with me. Apparently her life is in crisis with her finances etc as well. She says if I loved her I would make it as easy as possible for her to move back. She says she made a huge mistake and she can never forgive herself and she just wants to be back with me how it used to be. She says she wants to marry me!

Of course on my end, I was devastated when she left and although I love her and miss fondly the good memories, I am not sure she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I told her she should move back to the area and get a place with a friend and we could date and see what develops, but I wasn't ready to jump back in to living with someone again. She cried a lot and said I always told her my door was open. Yeah but that was before she left me to move back in with her ex in another state and sleep with him for 3 months while I'm alone.

To top it off, I have met someone else and gone on a few dates with her. We really like each other and are both interested in seeing what might develop. I told the new girl I wanted to take things slow and was still dealing with my ex girlfriend, so at least I was honest.

I don't know what to do. My heart longs for her to come back and move in with me and have things like they used to be, with a few changes (she needs to quit smoking, have sex more often, work more hours per week at her job). I feel like we spent 2 years together and she should have a second chance. She says she wants to move back in or not at all.

Emotionally I want her back right now and I miss her dearly.
Logically I have some resentment for what she did and I'm not sure she is the one I want for the rest of my life. I told her this and said I needed time to figure things out. She's not happy with that answer!

I'm young, 26, and only been dating for 4 years or so (two g/fs, but dated more). I feel like I don't need to be tied down living with someone and that I need time to bang more women and see what I like and want to settle down with. She on the other hand has been dating since she was 14 and she says she is ready to settle down. She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out, and I'm scared of making the wrong decision because I do love her.

HELP!

[jolienoire]

My ex keeps calling and telling me she wants to move back in with me. Apparently her life is in crisis with her finances etc as well. She says if I loved her I would make it as easy as possible for her to move back. She says she made a huge mistake and she can never forgive herself and she just wants to be back with me how it used to be. She says she wants to marry me!

Of course on my end, I was devastated when she left and although I love her and miss fondly the good memories, I am not sure she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I told her she should move back to the area and get a place with a friend and we could date and see what develops, but I wasn't ready to jump back in to living with someone again. She cried a lot and said I always told her my door was open. Yeah but that was before she left me to move back in with her ex in another state and sleep with him for 3 months while I'm alone.

To top it off, I have met someone else and gone on a few dates with her. We really like each other and are both interested in seeing what might develop. I told the new girl I wanted to take things slow and was still dealing with my ex gf, so at least I was honest.

I don't know what to do. My heart longs for her to come back and move in with me and have things like they used to be, with a few changes (she needs to quit smoking, have sex more often, work more hours per week at her job). I feel like we spent 2 years together and she should have a second chance. She says she wants to move back in or not at all.

Emotionally I want her back right now and I miss her dearly.
Logically I have some resentment for what she did and I'm not sure she is the one I want for the rest of my life. I told her this and said I needed time to figure things out. She's not happy with that answer!

I'm young, 26, and only been dating for 4 years or so (two g/fs, but dated more). I feel like I don't need to be tied down living with someone and that I need time to bang more women and see what I like and want to settle down with. She on the other hand has been dating since she was 14 and she says she is ready to settle down. She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out, and I'm scared of making the wrong decision b/c I do love her.

HELP!

Hmm this is easy NO to the ex, doesn't matter what you felt for her, what she has done you will constantly think about, and besides seems to me she is in a rut so now she wants to just walk back into your life and your suppose to drop everything because you loved her, you may still love her, but I don't think you are in love with her... Why ruin your relationship with the women you are currently with to go back to old news... If she would have left you to better herself then perhaps she deserve another chance but she did it out of self love, selfishly she acted... Besides do you really want her to change who she is to please you? Why do you need her to do all those things... love should be unconditional, and she has to want to change that on her own... I think you shouldn't go back end of story...


BTW it doesn't matter that you are 26 when you know you found the "one" you wouldn't want to sleep around... Keep dating and don't waste any more of her time or your own..

The most quick way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings... let her go bro!

[talaniman]

Why would you trust anything she says, and your not even sure if she is the one. I can bet things would be great for a while, until she found someone else who she fancies. Hey why even consider going that way again, after what has already happened? She won't do it your way, but gets mad because you won't do it her way. Lets get serious guy as you have put yourself back together, and are starting to get a real life, without that wilda$$ drama, so why mess it up for someone who has already dumped on you? Makes no sense from my view.

She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out, and I'm scared of making the wrong decision because I do love her.

She IS the wrong decision.

[Chery]

Buzzin, leave her alone.
Tell her you are not ready or willing to stick to a commitment right now, and that you are not through 'banging' around (as you yourself said). You don't love her, you love the power you'll have over her due to her remorse, and will be able to set rules such as not smoking, working longer, etc - that is not being fair to her - no matter what she did.

She will be better off on her own - finding herself and leading a new life instead of going back to one that will not make her happy, only subservient.

In my opinion, you go your way and let her go her way. It will hurt her, but not as much as daily compromise and insecurity with you.

If you want to mold something, start with pottery, at least when that breaks it's only material.

You too deserve to have a life without stress and worry.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[jrebel7]

My ex keeps calling and telling me she wants to move back in with me. Apparently her life is in crisis with her finances etc as well.

I'm young, 26, and only been dating for 4 years or so (two g/fs, but dated more). I feel like I don't need to be tied down living with someone and that I need time to bang more women and see what I like and want to settle down with. She on the other hand has been dating since she was 14 and she says she is ready to settle down. She doesn't want to wait for me to figure things out, and I'm scared of making the wrong decision b/c I do love her.

HELP!

Your first post states: as she drove off into the sunset (literally), she yells out the car window, "i'm coming back!"

i walked back inside and proceeded to be so sick to my stomach that i threw up. the next 2 weeks were a series of emotions. week one was flat out grief and depression. week two was more of the same but with some anger and resentment.

CHAPTER 4

i really feel like she is the one for me, and have come to a certain peace by having faith that she will once again realize what a loser the guy is and come back for good. i mean, loser boy doesn't even compare to me. he is destined for a minimum wage junkie type existence whereas i have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

and now you post the following:

I'm young, 26, and only been dating for 4 years or so (two g/fs, but dated more). I feel like I don't need to be tied down living with someone and that I need time to bang more women and see what I like and want to settle down with.



Reading the two posts, it seems you have moved on. Keep on movin'! She said she was coming back and she did. But then you knew she would when she needed some security or a break. I have to say though, you had me right up to the last paragraph but after reading that, it is my opinion that you would be doing both you and her a favor by ending any relationship with this girl and keep your life moving forward. Keep in mind that a great bang can end up a fizzle in the marriage bed so I hope you are basing "what you like and want to settle down with" on more than that. Best to you in your decisions. I know we will be happy to know what you decide. It has been quite a story. I for one, am glad you seem to be moving past this one.

[foxigirl83]

sorry an old joke... there are two types of women - crazy and those that haven't reached their potential yet.

i'm sure you guys get tired of hearing the same BS but at least i can vent some here and maybe bounce around some ideas.

CHAPTER 1

7 years ago i met the woman of my dreams. before i had time to make my move, she moved several states away to live with this younger guy she met.

needless to say, i did what i could to stay in contact with her over the years. sometimes she worked at places that gave her internet access and she would email me. every so often she would call. we were really good friends but i made it clear that i was always more interested that just being friends.

3 years ago she started telling me about the things she couldn't stand about her boyfriend. he was very private but spied on her email or instant messaging with log programs. she came home from work to find him hanging out with a random girl in their apartment. he left her crying a lot to go hang out with his buddies (who she says worship him). she caught him reading some porn story about a dad molesting his daughter. she said his sex drive was crap (1x per month). they always lived in apartments or houses with a bunch of other younger people who are dropouts and party people. this guy makes like $10 an hour and dropped out of high school. he doesn't have cable tv, internet, -- normal stuff. he was always very careful to keep her as isolated from her friends and family (in another state mind you) is the way i took it. she left him at least four or five times over the years, but always came back.

CHAPTER 2

she left him rather hurriedly one day after he threatened to hurt her and pulled her hair or something. she packed up and drove home. 4 months pass and she is at home living with her mom. we get back in touch and im thinking, this is cool, she is broken up with the loser for several months now. so i go see her and i fall hard. pretty soon she moves in with me and we play "house". i love it, except for the fact that i have cable tv, internet, telephones, cell phones, etc.

so naturally loser boy starts sending emails, posting myspace messages about how much he misses her and he can't stand that she is with ME of all people. at one point he tells her he'll kill me. (i could so kick his scrawny ). she'll tell him to leave her alone and he cools off for several weeks but before i know it he has called or done something else. at one point she had called him!! he kept saying things to get her back, about how this religious dream she had was true and how god wants her to be with him.

during the times he was not contacting her she was in great spirits, energetic, etc. whenever he started up, she would start sleeping a lot and not being herself. i could tell she had a lot on her mind.

CHAPTER 3

so two years pass and she comes to me one day and sits me down and says she is moving out in two weeks. she is moving several states away again to live with a "friend" in the same city as loser boy. in fact, he is flying in to ride in the car on the trip. she's supposed to pick him up at the airport on her way out of town.

she says that she feels like she needs closure of her old relationship and she is convinced that he treated her badly because she wasn't on antidepressants then. she says she is clear minded now and can call him out on his bull.

naturally i start crying because i love her. she starts crying and starts second guessing whether she should go. she says she has this emotional bag that she has to get rid of and i deserve her 100%, not 95%. she asks me what she should do several times throughout the week as i waited for her to leave. she says to think of it as if she is going on vacation, and she is probably coming back really soon. i said that i wish we could find another way to resolve the mental anguish she had (was causing her to sleep a lot and basically be stressed/depressed). she said she thought long and hard and this was the only way. she also mentioned something about having second guesses as to being secure with me because i haven't talked to her about marriage and loser boy says he would marry her tomorrow. she says she knows i dont like the fact that she smokes and she can't quit yet. she says shes never been in a relationship as good as ours, and that we never fight and get along so well and that it was really rare and special.

as she drove off into the sunset (literally), she yells out the car window, "i'm coming back!"

i walked back inside and proceeded to be so sick to my stomach that i threw up. the next 2 weeks were a series of emotions. week one was flat out grief and depression. week two was more of the same but with some anger and resentment.

CHAPTER 4

i really feel like she is the one for me, and have come to a certain peace by having faith that she will once again realize what a loser the guy is and come back for good. i mean, loser boy doesn't even compare to me. he is destined for a minimum wage junkie type existence whereas i have a house, a great job, an education, and a level of maturity and responsibility.

at least my dog keeps the bed warm at night.

Ohh that is so sad you sound really sweet and reliable. The problem really seems to be that she is not stable in her life and has no idea what she wants or how to be happy. She needs to really work on herself before someone deserving as yourself even attempts to get too close to her which it sounds like you already have. I understand both sides of this scenario since I too have been emotionally attached to bad guys and have actually blown off good prospects to only feel regret later when I realized I should have gone for the better choice. You are going to be sad regardless because you have invested too many feelings into this broad. I know it's easier said than done but you need to be straight up with her if she tries to come back and say you know what I can't handle you, you are just too much for me. She may take years at this point to get to the place where you are. I think to feel a sense of closure you should talk to her one last time, maybe pick at her brain a little to see what's going on with her but decide that you are going to try to stop worrying about her after that. Tell her how you feel, let her know you are done evn if she tries to convince you to wait around, you isn't a friggin doormat for her to wipe the dog off her shoes. Tell her that you love her or care for her whatever and that because it affects you too deeply going on this rollercoaster ride that is her emotional itinerary you need off.& dude you really do.I'm a female and I can tell you sometimes with indecisve girls the cliché of don't know what you got until it's gone is true. But that in itself isn't enough. She needs time. So you need to get the hell away from that mess, get yourself a new hobby something, when your ready hey how about a new girlfriend?Sounds like a good idea? Yeah I thought so too... hang in there

[buzzin]

Thanks foxigirl83, that makes sense and its nice to see a woman's perspective! (you too chery).

I am going to continue developing a new relationship with a nursing student I met and we've gone on a few dates. I like her and she definitely seems more stable.

The hardest part will be when I get overcome with reminders of my ex. I'll see something that sparks a memory and then I start crying or feeling bad. If I can get through those bouts when they come, I'll be OK.

[Alty]

One day you will find someone that cares about you as much as you care about them. Don't settle for someone who does, and always will, treat you like second best. You deserve to be number one in soemone's life. Don't sell out.

[foxigirl83]

The sad thing is, is that you will always have times when you dwell on her in the beginning. This is going to be the toughest part for you.I' going through similar a situation of my own & talking about it has been the only thing that has really comforted me.Be careful with your new girlfriend in that you don't put too many expectations on her as far as matching up to your ex. I'm sure she wants to be a clean page in your life & not a clone or reminder of a past relationship.Maybe you can share some of your feelings with her, but try to not overdo it because you don't want to discourage the chances of someone new & possibly a better choice for you. Consider talking to friends that do not know her, or maybe even getting a counselor. That way you can sort through your feelings but don't have to let it overwhelm your new situation. You can always come on here to. So best of luck to you with your new girl:)

[buzzin]

I've been seeing a new girl for about 6 weeks. She is nice and we get along well, but I can't keep but thinking about my ex. I end up comparing everything to her. About once a week I have a sad night where I think about my ex and allowing her to move back with me. Do you EVER get over your first real love? Should I just give in and get her back? She says she made a mistake and wants to come back. I just don't know if I'll ever meet another woman that I will have the same strong feelings for. The new girl is nice, but I'm definitely not "in love."