[ISneezeFunny]

So at this moment, you feel lonely, dejected, and I'm sure you feel like there's no one in the world right now.

Wait. DO NOT DATE YET. I made this mistake of going out to dinner with a girl... and the entire time, I kept comparing her to my ex (in my head)... wasn't a pleasant experience really.

They say give roughly 1 month for every year you've been together if you've dated for less than 5 years... and 2 months for every year you've been together if more than 5 years. Of course, this differs from person to person.

For me, it's been 4 weeks since the breakup and 3 weeks since last contact. I'm going to just... give myself time. And chill. Who knows, maybe I won't date for another 6 months... the point is, I don't care. I'm not looking to date again anytime soon. I have fun chilling with my friends, playing with my dog, and just doing my hobbies (this website, work, going to the gym, playing pool (just picked this up btw))

Take your time. When you're ready, women will come sniffing around as you'll look like a guy who's ready.

[wot2do]

Okay, it's the 2 week mark again. 2 weeks after she broke up with me couldn't take it anymore we went for dinner - (saw her). 2 weeks after than, couldn't take it anymore, wrote her a letter, took it around to her house (saw her). Now 2 weeks on I'm having those feelings again - what is with this 2 week mark, I mean its been hard the whole time but its like I get to around the 2 week mark and I just want to go around to her house and see her. Its my exam tomorrow, she knows this, she knows how stressed I get around my exams, yet she's not even text me saying good luck or anything - she doesn't care anymore or what?
I've been good, keeping N/c been working mostly, gyming, even got a few interests on the old dating websites not that I've signed up for nethin or mailed back because I just think it would be unfair on any girls I went out with now. Can girls just stop caring? Is it that simple... WAM BAM no more feeling? Also it keeps going over and over in my head her last text '"I'm not ready to get back together". I keep thinking why did she word it like this, suggests that she might be ready in the future?
I know I shouldn't be thinking like that but I'm so stressed right now and she was my main support and now its gone. My parents/friends are great but its no comparisson. I'll be so happy when my exam is out the way!

[George_1950]

Man, you covered a lot of interesting issues:

1) You wrote: "i get to around the 2 week mark and i just want to go around to her house and see her". Be truthful: you want to go see her every hour of every day. Your focus is not on getting your personal life together without her.

2) You wrote: "Can girls just stop caring?" She has an agenda for her life and you are not on it.

3) The stress of school, work, or family life can be overwhelming. Then add to that the stress of a broken heart. That is why there is NC, so that you can put some time and distance between the fog and confusion of a breakup. Over a period, more than two weeks, the rough edges begin to smooth, and your focus turns to more healthy thoughts. Use the resources on this site to your advantage and you will do fine.

[TrueFaith]

Id say see how it goes. The fact that she is still beating around the bush.. means something.. if she wanted to come back to you.. she would have rang you up and said. Hey babe lets get back together.

I've never seen someone walk over to there Xs house and go hey.. want to get back together. And the X go.. umm hmm.. Sure why not! :-)
if they really misst you they would talk to you and ring you up and want you around them.

people like that like other people want them in there lives.

And girls never tell you the real reason why they brake up. I mean people for that matter.
some have good reasons some not so good.
and all of them just hurt.

People don't just wake up and stop caring or feeling. They can leave you and steal kind of care about you but not in the way you want them. To it happens over a few weeks they keep thinking about it.. and its in the back of there mind. Then one day they just act on it. And change
people never do stuff out of the blue they plan to brake up. They plan to sleep with someone else. Its all planned :)

But I do wish you all of the luck :)

[wot2do]

Okay so it's the day of my exam, I had a terrible sleep last night - didn't even think of my exam just thinking how angry and upset that she has not even bothered to message good luck luck. She knows what I'm like. I wander how long she was unhappy and just put up with things in the relationship before she decided enuf is enuf. She must really not like me :(
Why am I still obsessing over here GRRRRRR - sorry I really am taking all your advice, I'm sticking to N/C I just like to express how I'm feeling at the moment. I had a conversation with this girl last night, she really liked me - it was nice to have that feeling again - but I can't help but feel no one will ever compare to my ex? Why is that? When I was with her I always thought I could do better, at least I did until the last few months. Someone stop me obsessing!! Going to the gym after exam, to karate, then out to pub tonight - should take my mind of things.

[Maggie83]

Don't worry, your exam will be fine... good luck there someone said it so your fine! Look we all did that we thought we could get more elsewhere, but it like the old phrase you don't know what you've got until its gone... she will be thinking of you but don't depend on her! You have a nice girl talking to you at the moment think about that and focus on your exams

As for me I was getting the train to work this morning and my ex gets on the same train, she was way out of her normal route, she must have driven out of her way to get there then when she saw me (she didn't know I saw her) she went to the other end of the platform bizarre!

[talaniman]

Good luck on the exams Wot, and don't worry about comparing, your still a freshly wounded person who, after the exam needs to relax and be among people and focus on building a social life that you enjoy, so you can learn to love yourself enough, to have fun with your freedom. See people for who they are, your ex, and others you encounter. Get away from comparisons, as that means your not focused on the people at hand, and may miss something you need to know.Take that next step, and look at what your doing to YOU.

[ISneezeFunny]

Yeah to be honest, my ex and I broke up a week before finals...

Day 0 - day 7 after break up, my ex was a wreck. I was fine.

Day 8 - day 14 after break up, DURING my finals, I was a wreck. My ex was fine. Didn't sleep for roughly 3 days. Tossed my finals. However, I made it out alive.

So much better after exams though. MUCH less stress.

[wot2do]

Okay, so its been 3 weeks since the last time I saw my ex and 2 weeks since I sent the last text saying its obvious she does not want us to get back together and that I'm moving on. Her reply was the 'I'm sorry... I'm not ready to get back together... '

I've not heard a word from her since. What keeps niggling away at me is the fact she said 'I love you, I'll always love you' and even said 'I love you more' the last time I saw her (the 3weeks ago) - Yep one to fk me right up. Now I've been reading this book - 'men are from mars, woman are from venus' and basically her actions all make perfect sense when put in that perspective - she feels resentment to me because I've basically not met her needs, put myself first and its built up over 3 yrs. There is a way through it I think it would help if she read the book. I was thinking of taking it around to her. Do not flame me, and if you have not read all my posts do not even respond to this with DUH NC... How many times. At the moment I'm trying to work out how much this will damage me if it doesn't have the desired response (which it probably it won't) - but I don't really care to be honest - I can't see how I can hurt any more/less by giving it to her.

I've been keeping very busy, gyming, meeting friends, going out - I still find myself getting v upset at times in the day. I'm also incredibly worried if I move to America if I am left with any WHAT IF's - WHAT IF I had given her the dam book, tried harder to get her to understand blah blah blah. What have I got to lose at the end of the day? Apart from my sanity true.. but some people say I've never had that.

Now I have another problem in that her mum promised to help with my research project - using her pupils (shes a teacher) and its too late for me to get anyone else. I need to see if she is still willing to do it, I'm sure she will its just a matter of asking. So I could go around there today and pretend I'm mainly there to see the mum (which actually is very important anyway) then give her the book as a side thought.

[gigi doug]

You could do that and whatever anyone says you probably will right. I know because no matter how many people told me not to contact my ex its pointless and so on I never listened. Take it from someone who is not involved in the situation and has a clear head. THIS WILL NOT DO ANY GOOD! It is your mind playing tricks on you, when enough time passes you start to think maybe she would have changed her mind, it can't hurt to do this and I won't feel any worse if I go c her bla bla bla but honestly I'm sure you have made so much progress in these 3 weeks do you really want to be back at square one again?Trust me the book will not change her mind, if a woman has made up her mind that she loves you and wants to be with you she would have contacted you by now I know because I have done stuff like this in the past,there would be no reason for you to even try and convince her! 3 weeks is a long time to be away from someone you're in love with which I'm sure you know.Sorry if I'm being harsh and I'm sure its not what you want to hear but you will feel better if you can just find a way to let it go and move on

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Now I've been reading this book - 'men are from mars, woman are from venus' and basically her actions all make perfect sense when put in that perspective - she feels resentment to me because I've basically not met her needs, put myself first and its built up over 3 yrs.

I read this book and frankly I wouldn't agree with virtually anything the book says. The book basically tells you to be a wimp. I know plenty of women who married real a*holes and are still with them. Are they happy, who knows, but I also know total wimps who's wife's boss them around, are they happy, hell no.

It seems to me women want a strong man, whether they perceive it from the outside or the inside. And many time they marry these guys and guess what, they don't do a very good job picking with the divorce rate at about 60%.

You just haven't meet your fit, which is someone that you can be yourself around where she will accept your faults and appreciate your kindness.

I would use the mom for the project and ignore the ex. Tell her "look, your right we are not a good fit". I feel for you, I know how hard it is when your emotions are telling you one thing and your friends are telling you the opposite.

Remember, your friends don't have the blinders on and are there for you, listen to them.

[talaniman]

So I could go around there today and pretend I'm mainly there to see the mum (which actually is very important anyway) then give her the book as a side thought.

Red Flag
When we hide our true motives behind legitimate reasons, we are practicing deceit.

[wot2do]

Well guys! Your be happy to hear I resisted on going around to her house. This is very much due to you guys, my friends and family support lol - I'm really glad I did because I honestly thing if I had gone around I would be set back to day 1. So thanks for your help on that crisis!
I can see I will have bad and good days and no doubt this pattern will continue until I finally get stable. I have to say today felt quite good - I put on my new clouths (ones she didn't buy me), contact lenses, jazzed myself up a little and it felt good! Flirting with the girls at uni... great fun. I'm just starting to see that life will not end without my ex and even though I'l have bad days in the future I know it won't last.
However, I still have to see her mum at some point for help with my study - (its to late to get anyone else to help) - and I'm sure she will still help me. It just a matter of going to see her when my ex GF is not there which should not be a problem. Now the question is... do I completely not talk about my ex? In which case I'll look like was'nt bothered in the first place OR ask how my ex is? (what good is that going to do? She will either say yea she's ok/good - I think to myself oh she's doing fine without me; or she will say she's not happy at the moment in which case it might make me have another crisis.) Any suggestions?

[Maggie83]

Id keep clear of talking about your ex unless her mother mentions it... you won't achieve anything by asking how she is, you'll find very little out and have another crisis of sorts with all the confusion.

Go and do your work be as polite as possible.

As for you getting yourself out there good on you! I wished I felt like I was ready to do that but at the moment I know I'm not... just keep going as you are!

[George_1950]

wot2do writes: "Now the question is ...do i completely not talk about my ex? In which case I'll look like was'nt bothered in the first place OR ask how my ex is?" Don't bring it up; she will be proud to see you are not in the swamp over her daughter, provided she knows the truth of things going on.

[wot2do]

Update: So its been a month? Ish since I saw my ex girlfriend last. Well the mum phoned me back I missed the call but she left an answerphone message saying she would be happy to help me with the project. So I took around the stuff she needed to her house. My ex girlfriend was there and I said hello then continued to talk to the mum for 10mins or so about the project. After this me and my ex spoke for about an hour - talking about what we had been up to and stuff - I have to admit it was so good to see her and hear what she had been up - espeically her saying how miserable she had been and she hadn't been sleeping the past month because of thinking about us. Of cause, though once again she says the same old stuff - which hurt much less this time, and actually I don't feel cut up like I did last time just confused again lol.

She said she really does love me and its not an issue of that, she said she keeps looking at photos of us together all the time (wouldnt let me take them with me because she said she wanted to look at them still but would get them copied), she said she still slept in my old Pyjamas, and she missed me so much, that she is not interested in any other blokes whatsoever, BUT still is not ready to get back together. She said the time apart would do us good anyway. Now don't worry guys! I in no way am taking this as we are getting back together and I feel it has not set me back on my healing process. She came forward with this information mostly by herself.. with some gentle probing lol. Yes.. my hopes have increased a tiny amount but I've heard it all before several times and am now accustomed to it - I still have my plans to move to america in place, and before that intend on travelling the world on an adventure, I've taken up karate , salsa and started going to gym 3x a week. I've also met a few other woman and trying to get the confidence to get a few numbers/dates. So I've become very active.

Now I understand this is not protocol - it should be NC heal myself, screw her if she wants me she should beg me back right! But I fully intend on going back to NC now - although she said she would phone me and wants to come around to my house to get the 'men are from mars, woman from venus book' and that I thught it explained lots of stuff about us - she asked if she could borrow it and would come around to get it. This I thought odd because I live with my parents still (I know I'm 25.. but hey I'm still a student for another semester) - and she knows they will be akward around her now - so its quite a brave act IF she does come around. Which I would not be surprised if she doesn't - but I don't really mind! I have absolutely no expectations. Will I still feel like this in a day or 2? Who knows. I am just happy to see she is OK, not with any other blokes and as miserable as me ( I actually think I'm happier than her). Tell me what you think guys - have I been silly talking to her? Maybe maybe... I tell you one thing it didn't give me any closure which I was looking for... maybe I will never get it!

[George_1950]

Just curious: did she offer to let you look through her cell phone contacts and messages?

[wot2do]

You mean in relation to other blokes? - Nope that would be a little weird. Unless your saying I'l never know for sure if she's interested in another bloke unless I did that. True enough I don't know for sure - but she's never lied to me before and she's the most honest person I know in the world so I have to take her at face value. Also my friend works with her so he would find out eventually. I really want to stay away from thought patterns relating to possible other blokes as that would almost certainly reduce my healing. I must concentrate on me - at least that is the message I must keep telling myself lol.

[wot2do]

I think I've been lying to myself- going around and seeing her completely did raise my hopes and now I feel so bad again.. (2 months after initial breakup). When I left her house she said she would call me to let me know about the project and that she would come around to pick up the stuff I needed to give her mum. Well instead I receive a very neutral text saying her mum has been given permission to help with my project and let her (my ex) know when she could come to my house and pick them up. I don't know why she wants to come to my house... but at first I thought this was a good thing - sort of on the road back to getting back together. But now I'm completely anxious that she's just going to come around n bang the final nail in the coffin -why am I still feeling like this? I can't seem to get it tru to myself its OVER! True it doesn't help her going... I love you, I miss you, I look at your photos blah blah.. but then I hear this is something all ex's normaly go tru after a long time together. I feel so crap and I'm unable to work again like I was when we first split up. I don't know what to do :(

[talaniman]

I don't know what to do :(

Put your face closer to the screen, SLAP!! More later.