[joglea63]

This site has helped me quite a bit over the last year. The advice provided here helped me to escape a bad relationship with a girl that was not good for me. Now I have met a girl who is a great person with whom I would love to start relationship.

We have been dating nearly three months. I love spending time with her, but the level of physical intimacy has been limited to kissing. She got out of a relationship with a live-in boyfriend about six months ago and says she isn't ready for another serious commitment. She is the one who broke it off with her ex.

She calls me all the time and always answers the phone when I call her. She doesn't seem to play a lot of games. We're both physically attracted to each other. While on a date tonight, I asked her if she was seeing anyone else. She said she had been casually dating a few other guys. She has been out with one of the guys three times and he has already asked her out for Valentine's. She told me this in a non-vendictive way and not to make me jealous. But it did make me jealous and I do want to be exclusive. I played it cool, but she could tell it bothered me. She told me she's just not ready for anything serious after her last relationship and doesn't know when she will be... with me or any other man. She likes me and I'm her "number one guy", but she also understands if I need to move on... not that she wouldn't be jealous if I did.

I just don't know what to do. She's the girl I want to be with... but I don't want to drive her away by forcing the exclusive thing. I also don't think it's fair to me to spin my wheels chasing after a girl that may or may not ever give me what I'm looking for. Any and all advice would be appreciated. Thanks so much for the help.

[Synnen]

Oh god.

I WAS that girl.

Let me promise you something: If you push for exclusivity, she's going to drop you (probably slowly) out of her social sphere. If you start acting all weird and possessive, she's going to drop you--probably faster.

If you give her TIME, and be her friend (with kisses!)--you have a chance. No guarantees, but there's a chance.

The guy that pushed for (and got!) and exclusive relationship before I was really ready for one was dumped (one of the few times I did the breaking up) after about 2 months--because I just wasn't ready to be tied down to any one person yet!

YOU should see other people. You don't want to spin your wheels--so don't! If she's seeing other people, and it's casual--why don't you do so too?

It doesn't pay to close your options--and it doesn't pay to want a relationship more than you want to be around a person.

[talaniman]

If you can't appreciate her honesty, leave her alone. If being exclusive is your goal, then you have your answer. She isn't ready. If your afraid of the competition for her time, leave her alone. The way I see it is, you want her to be what she is not willing to be , so accept it, and understand she is healing and loves her freedom, as well she should, and to be wanting her to do what you want is not realistic, on your part. Stop being fixated on your own needs, and understand hers, or leave her alone. Deal with your issues, and have fun getting to know her, and get with her pace, which is different than hers. Don't you have other things in your life that make you happy? Or is the idea of a more physical relationship, overriding your senses, and dissappointing you?

[joglea63]

Synnen and Talaniman... Thanks so much for the input. It's sometimes hard to see the situation for what it is when I'm so involved. It's hard for me to be objective, so it helps to get an outside perspective.

Maybe I am being a little selfish in wanting force the issue of exclusivity. I definitely don't want to come across as weird or possessive. I feel like I've allowed myself to be strung along in the past. I've played the role of the transition guy before... the girl dates me until she finds a guy for whom she falls head-over-heels... and I become an after-thought. I guess I wanted to stop that from happening again.

But you're both right. I'm not going to get anywhere by trying to take her in a direction she's not ready to go (at this point). I'll enjoy spending time with her and see where it goes. In the meantime, I think I'll also back off a little and let her come to me a little more.

Again, great advice... It helps more than you know.

[Synnen]

You know... thanks for letting US know!

It's so nice to get feedback!

[talaniman]

Letting your past control your behavior in the future, is not the way to go, taking the time, and paying attention, and having fun getting to know someone is the best way. When I say taking the time, 6 months is reasonable to know someone enough to talk about being exclusive, and there are still a lot to learn, that's why going slowly produces much better results than just going by attraction and intense feeling that can lead to moving fast and crash and burn. Your present problem is you pushing someone, whom you know is a stranger, and not ready for what you want, and rightfully so, but it's a good example of how fast you want, what you want. Slow the train down.