[Allecat]

I've come to the conclusion that my husband of 8 years is not in my future. There is so much that I want to expose my 7 year old son to, snowboarding, surfing, camping, hiking, fishing, and life in general, but when I try to picture us as a happy family camping or doing these things I don't see him in it. No matter how hard I try to visualize him there, I just don't.

My world revolves around my son, and his future, his education and his mental wellbeing. With my husband present I have a hard time facing the reality that we see things on different levels. He is a hardcore sometimes mean spirited man where as I am nurturing and caring and strong in my beliefs of our son and his well being.

I plan on leaving, I would like to save money and be prepared when I leave, I feel as though I'm betraying him in some way by doing this. I've tried to talk to him on several different occasions and nothing has helped. He becomes belligerent or "stupid" as I put it and acts like a complete baby, telling me not to threaten him.

Ive changed who I was to make him happy and it just seems that out marriage is destined to fail. I don't want to quit but Im unhappy and my son is getting the after affects of our anger towards each other. Which I don't want to happen.

I've left once but under the wrong pretense, It was a bad time in my life and I made bad decisions. Now that I'm older I feel less compelled to leave because I want my freedom and more compelled to leave because my son is unhappy, as well as my husband and myself.

Im not looking for someone to tell me what or how to do it. I think I just need some unbiased insight to this matter. I've considered going to a local church for some advice, but I will start here...

Thanks.

[N0help4u]

You have already told him how you feel and the best he can come up with is saying don't threaten him. Don't threaten him DO IT and then tell him that you have already told him how you felt and he shut you down with calling it 'threatening'

It sounds like you are an outgoing person married to a negative person that holds you back. Since he doesn't want to talk leaving may make him face reality actions speak louder than words and it is all that some people can hear.

For your sons sake it may be best to leave because often kids swear they will never grow up like a parent but that is exactly what many do even when they don't mean to. I think it is sort of like learned behavior.

[Wondergirl]

I strongly suggest you meet with a good counselor for at least a few sessions to vent, to figure this out, and to find your way going forward. The counselor will be unbiased and, if money is a concern, most will accept payment based on a sliding scale or will have some other cost-cutting measure.

If not a professional counselor, consider a priest or minister who has a good reputation as a counselor.

I feel your pain more deeply than you will ever know. Perhaps your husband will be invited to a session or two, since you will be setting goals and possibly making decisions that will affect your marriage. He may be willing to make adjustments and changes once he realizes that you are dead serious.

[donf]

Allecat,

Whoa, lady slow down! Is this your first child? Let me see if I understand you correctly, you want your son to be exposed to all types of experiences, correct? Would you consider the effects of a broken home to be something to grabbed at as a source of a lived experience?

I strongly believe that you have lost your sense of balance. Remember, you exchanged vows with your husband. Not your child. Try something different, stop smothering the child with experiences and let him/her get their own experiences.

You are Mom, your job is to mother, teach, guide, and love husband and child. More than likely, you actually guide and lead the whole household.

Hubby has a whole different sets of strings pulling him along through life. Is your husband an impediment towards where you'd like the ankle biter to go?

Do you think your child wants what you do, suppose he wants to be a mathematician or a pianist rather than Davy Crockett?

How about you ratchet down some and consider the how two lives could be potentially trash because of what you want? Seems really extreme to me, not to mention one sided.

[s_cianci]

I kind of agree with the above poster. This man is your husband and the father of your son. If you leave, then the onus of breaking up the home and depriving your son of his father is on you. You can't expect everything to be strictly on your own terms. I strongly agree with seeing a counselor but I don't agree with you leaving.

[N0help4u]

I agree too but I think as long as she stays there he will take it as everything is fine.
If she leaves to shake him up a bit he might take counseling seriously.
And that doesn't mean they can't get back together.
If she stays he will probably find another word as suitable as threatening at her trying to discuss counseling.

[talaniman]

I think seeking advice from your church is a good idea, and a place to start. All parents have big ideas and dreams for their kids, but reality is they work together to guide the kids. Doesn't seem like you and hubby are working together very well.

[donf]

Take it from a guy. We do really horrible when our platform starts shaking. Walking out on us is not the way to get our attention. Walking on on a guy may backfire, because we are much more likely to say, "If that's what you want, it's yours!"

We do not think very clearly when the apple cart goes over, and the one person we trust above all isn't there to help us.

At least I hope I'm not the only guy who thinks this way. Whack him over the head with the proverbial 2x4 to get his attention but don't just up and walk out! Wrong move.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, and you are not looking at a life where you have the child 1/2 the time and the father has the child 1/2 the time. This is called joint custody and happens more and more in today's soceity.

Also I would love to take our family camping, and fishing, and boating, and eating on a blanket in the park, guess what, with my wife that would never happen, To her there are bugs, and dirt and... So there are times not everything is a family but it is activity, So my son and I have mothers day out, when she goes to the spa or the mall, and my son and I do all the man things in life. And my wife will teach my son wich bugs to scream about and perhaps how to do some cooking and music and art.

So often raising a child is a team deal not always a family deal.

[donf]

Hey Fr. Chuck,

I think we have cloned wives. To Bonnie her idea of roughing it is spending two nights at a Hilton instead of a multi-room suite.

Let's see, One year in Virginia Beach, Bonnie decided to create a flower garden. She wanted to do it herself, no help from me. So I gave her the shovel after I tilled the area she wanted and said, "Remember by yourself."

In one shovel, half shovel actually, she found a worm. From then on it became my idea to put in the flower garden. No rhyme or reason, but a whole new dynamic had been cast.

Second true life situation, My brother-in-law wanted everyone to spend a day and maybe a night at Camp AP Hill in Western Virginia. This is a Federal Reservation, and because Chris was a Master Chief in the USN we were allowed on the facility.

Well we pulled into the campsite, Bonnie got out of the car and within 30 seconds or less, she says, "Hey, why is the freckle on my arm moving?". There was no stay over that night!

[Allecat]

Allecat,

Whoa, lady slow down! Is this your first child? Let me see if I understand you correctly, you want your son to be exposed to all types of experiences, correct? Would you consider the effects of a broken home to be something to grabbed at as a source of a lived experience?

I strongly believe that you have lost your sense of balance. Remember, you exchanged vows with your husband. Not your child. Try something different, stop smothering the child with experiences and let him/her get their own experiences.

You are Mom, your job is to mother, teach, guide, and love husband and child. More than likely, you actually guide and lead the whole household.

Hubby has a whole different sets of strings pulling him along through life. Is your husband an impediment towards where you'd like the ankle biter to go?

Do you think your child wants what you do, suppose he wants to be a mathematician or a pianist rather than Davy Crockett?

How about you ratchet down some and consider the how two lives could be potentially trash because of what you want? Seems really extreme to me, not to mention one sided.

I have lost my sense of balance. And your right I did take my vows with my husband, but unfortunately I think I'm my marriage I am the only one who takes them seriously.

I think I forgot to mention that my son also likes to draw, write stories, he loves music, martial arts, he is creative as well as active.

I've introduced him to every aspect of life as I know it. I allow him to make his own decisions and choices. For being 7 he is already reading 2nd and 3rd grade chapter books, He is top of his class, loves school and is extremely friendly towards other children. He won a sportsmanship award at his school and he had only been there for 2 weeks.

I don't want you to think that I don't love my husband, I love him very much and this is why I'm so torn over this. But I don't want to show my son that being disrespectful to your wife and mean to your child is the way a man behaves. Because its not. A man loves his child and wife equally.

Too often we do see broken homes and torn children, but all too often we also see children who have both parents and are juvenile delinquents, who have no respect for adults.

I want to mend my marriage, I don't want to leave, I would gladly accept counseling, from a counselor or church member, the question is, how do I get my husband on board? He went to counseling once and all he got from it was how the counselor thought he should change (as well as myself) to better suit each other, so that we can communicate better, he took it as someone telling him something is wrong with him instead of his marriage and showing him how to fix the problem.

With all this being said, I did talk to him last night, and he walked out on me, telling me that he was hearing to many "you's " and that he was fine and that I was the one who had the issue, and maybe I should fix myself.

*sigh* I have changed who I was, because who I was was not a good person, I was a junkie, I was mean, I was selfish, I was angry. I am 4 years clean, I go out of my way to make people feel comfortable and welcome, Im no longer angry, as I have accepted what happened to my child hood and learned how to repair it. I did it through my own self counseling, writing my thoughts, aggressions, disappointments, and joys. And after reading all of it I came to the conclusion that I was a bitter, disappointed woman who was holding her herself hostage. I've changed, people who have known me for 10 years have seen the extreme difference and my husband is the only one who can't see 2 feet past his selfishness to see those things. He thinks that I am just using him to make my life better,
I want him to make his life better too so we can grow old together.

A broken marriage is not what my child deserves, but unfortunately if his mother and father can't come to terms and start learning how to grow with each other, then for the better of my child, that's what will happen.

I appreciate all the comments, as they help me see different views on this subject. Thank you all!

[talaniman]

You have been through a lot, and I can really respect your position, but I would like to know about the dynamics between your husband and his son, if you can elaborate for me.

[Allecat]

You have been thru a lot, and I can really respect your position, but I would like to know about the dynamics between your husband and his son, if you can elaborate for me.

As far as their relationship?

Well lately my son hasn't been able to hang out with him. My husband snowboards, and my son has begged him to come out but he would rather sit on his bum all day and play xbox or watch movies than go out with him.

My son loves his father, looks up to him but lately has been hurt by his actions, and is vocalizing it. my son is finding his voice and is almost scared to express his feelings to his dad as he thinks his dad will think he is weak.

My husband, on the other hand is a very good father and can at times be caring and gentle with him.

Given the fact that my husband was witness to HIS fathers suicide at 12 and did not have a strong role model in his life at all, he does well. But not as well as perhaps I think he should.

But then I don't know what its like to see that. I can only gauge my childhood, which wasn't exactly story book, and go from there...

[donf]

Alle,

Please step out of the way and let your son and his dad find a connection. By this I don't mean turn a blind eye, to the dynamics of the two of them. Certainly protect your son from any unreasonable behavior but limit your intrusion for the time being.

If you see or hear anything really fearful, step in. However, if your here-to-fore un-named child, comes to you and tells you he is afraid of dad, please ask, "Why?" And then when you and hubby are alone and the wee one is asleep or playing, tell hubby that his son is afraid of speaking openly with him. Would he please try to be less dictatorial or gruff with the lad!

The child wants him (Dad) in his life, please (Dad) open the door and let him into your world. Help the boy, not fight with the lad.

[Allecat]

And I've attempted to do that. Only, my husband has little room for patience when it comes to him. Its either "your doing it wrong, or hurry up, or watch out ill do it."

Ive invited my husband numerous times to take Ethan snowboarding. Or I've told him to take him ice skating, but he doesn't want to. He is too interested in doing other things.

So how do I get him to realize what he is doing and allow him to spend time with him when he doesn't want to? Please help me understand this!

[donf]

Alley,

I suppose shooting the Xbox is not an option? How about picking up the Xbox, packing it in a box and posting back to you at home. That way you could say to hubby, "It started smoking after the water from the vase spilled in it so I sent it off to have it fixed, just for you sweetie!" From your collective posts, it obvious to me it time for daddy to put down his toys and be a parent in his son's life!

Have tried to prime your son to ask dad to not do it foe him, rather teach me how to do it? How old is your lad?

[Allecat]

That's what I'm trying to get through to him, so I feel that dad doesn't really want to be a dad, but he loves him tons.

My son is 7 and by the time he gets into the house with me he is already crying about how dad yelled at him for trying to help with the garden or the puppy or what not.

I've threatened many times, only my son would be devastated, he likes to play when his homework is done and there is nothing else to do inside our outside.

[talaniman]

I think you need to stay out of their way, and let this work between them at their pace, not yours. As your son gets older ,and can vocalise his feelings the dynamics should grow, but you mixing in will only make for conflict, and resentments. Yeah its hard now, for you but putting your expectations on your husband, has made him stubborn to anything you suggest. This lack of communication is troubling to say the least. Do you work?

[talaniman]

I've threatened many times, only my son would be devastated, he likes to play when his homework is done and there is nothing else to do inside our outside.

Your son needs to be around other kids his age, and not just in a school setting. Do you guys live in the woods or something?

[Allecat]

I work two jobs, clean the house, cook, and do laundry. And on top of all of that, I have a few medical problems.

I can stay out of their way but when my son asks ME to take him snowboarding because he already asked his DAD, what do I do?