[HurtingALot]

George... Hi and thanks for your reply. Yes... this whole incident began (as much as I know) this Christmas. I realize that it is only about 2 weeks worth...

The "into her" reference comes specifically from a text that I saw. She says "It felt like a breakup over the phone." He says "You shouldn't feel that way, I'm into you." (There was some more meaningless garble after that... but now you see the reference.) When I asked him about the communication, he said that it was just "friendly flirting" and that he didn't understand where the whole "breakup" she mentioned was even coming from. He said "it isn't even like that or anything even close."

Yet he said "I'm into you." Now I realize that words are easy, but that was incredibly hurtful to me. Did he apologize profusely and beg for me not to leave him, Absolutely. But is that enough? Of course I was upset... and he apologized... but why the hell would he do it in the first place??

You are probably (most definitely) right... I did put too much of myself into this relationship. Just never thought it would hurt this badly... (stupid.)

And yes, this breakup is not typical. Usually the breaker is better off... but I wasn't anticipating an end... and at the very least, not like this. Do I think that he ended it when he started the communication (and went out the one time) with the other girl? NO. I think he liked the attention and wasn't planning on getting caught. I am not sure if he planned to pursue her any further... I just don't know. (Your thoughts? ) I think not because if he was so interested in someone else, WOULD he have begged as hard for me as he did? If he wanted her anyway, wouldn't he have been like... Ok whatever, it's fine, let's end it? (Your thoughts again, please?! )

I think breakups are horrible no matter who does the breaking. But I am definitely suffering and hope that he gets his. This is just unfair.

[mafiaangel180]

I am not sure if he planned to pursue her any further...I just don't know. (Your thoughts??) I think not because if he was so interested in someone else, WOULD he have begged as hard for me as he did?? If he wanted her anyway, wouldn't he have been like....Ok whatever, it's fine, let's end it?? (Your thoughts again, please??!!)

I mean, yeah sure texting that might be wrong, but he took it a step further and hung out with her. In my opinion, whether he ended it wouldn't matter. It's the fact that he started something. Who's to say he won't do this down the road? Can you sit there and tell me that you would trust him, which means NOT go through his phone/email/etc and totally let it go?

[George_1950]

Much of what is said in email and text messaging is without context, body language, and emotion; I don't really know how much of any of it one can rely on. "Why he did it in the first place" is one of those important questions you may want to ask him if and when you have your next 'heart-to-heart' discussion. There is no way to know how far he would pursue her, or how far she would pursue him. I am curious: who asked whom for the phone number, or was it given to one of them by a third party; a second question in a 'heart-to-heart'.
Were you two 'exclusive'? And does 'exclusive' survive after a near breakup? Actually, I think he has feeling for you and found the Christmas event enticing, exciting, energizing. I am not saying it was right, but he may have just gotten himself into something that went too fast and a bit out of his control. You know more about his loyalty and respect for you than anyone.

[HurtingALot]

Could we ever survive this? Maybe... but would I ever be able to trust and not have the impulses to check up on him and stuff? Probably not. I would be too afraid of getting hurt yet again.

George, I agree that much can be said in words over the phone/texting without much emotion or at the very least, commitment to do as you say you might... but it doesn't change the fact that I was his loving girlfriend who did and gave him the world... Do I have other responsibilities, of course... that is just life. But I was a really great girlfriend to him... He said it all the time. And to put that in jeopardy for the excitement or whatever, is just plain stupid, and I just don't think I can forgive it for how much it hurts. I'm not sure how phone numbers were exchanged, there is def. the possibility that it was given by a third party. He told me that it was a "set-up by a mutual friend" situation. Bottom line, we were in an exclusive relationship... we both knew that, and how he could screw it up for the attention or whatever he thought it may or may not be is just beyond me. By the way... I did ask "Why he would do it in the first place" (multiple times, when I caught him... It was the only question I had... Why? Why? Why?) He said he didn't know why he did it and that it was just a really stupid thing and it totally didn't mean anything to him. He also said it was a really stupid reason to breakup because nothing even happened and nothing was going to... (back to the "Friendly Flirting" reference.) So... was it truly for the attention or would it/could it have/will it now turn into more? I don't know. (Thoughts?! ) My feeling is, if he is going to take things further with her at this point, GOOD LUCK. She definitely won't be me... and let her be the backup plan... I bet she wouldn't be so happy if she knew that once I had found out, he was begging for me and called her a stupid mistake. Good Luck with that.

He lost the best thing in me... and I just hope he realizes it one day, even if it's not right now. And I hope when he does, I am strong enough to just walk away. Horrible.

[Brandino747]

I haven't read what anyone else has posted... but...

What if you did stay with him? Would you actually want to deal with this stuff all the time? Cause honestly, he won't change (unless he decides to himself).

I'd say, save your dignity and self esteem and get rid of him. Easier said then done, yes... but honestly I have the clear head in this situation and you don't. So ultimatley it is easier to make this decision rather then you making it on your own. I find it useful to ask for advice from people with a clear head (hence what you've done- which is great)

If you do decide to break it off with him, read my last thread on "the beauty of letting go - NC works"

Good luck

[HurtingALot]

Thanks again to all who have replied... It is more helpful than you know. I am aware that my head is not right in order to be making the absolute most rational decision on this... so I am thankful for all input from people who can see more clearly than I.

I keep wondering why he is not contacting me. I know I shouldn't care... but I just want him to figure out what he lost. Does he think that breaking up is for the best? When will he realize? When will I stop hurting?

[Brandino747]

Is it a women thing to wonder if he is thinking about her, or when he will contact her? That is a question I just have been wondering since I read that a lot.

The best thing to do is to simply say "he is not mine anymore, and I don't really care what he does" this works good for when you start thinking of him and other women as well as him doing anything that may make you jealous. Cause immediately when things like that would pop in my head about my ex I thought "she isn't mine anymore, and I really don't care" and it actually worked. Hell, go out and do something that you don't think he would have approved of. Go talk to 20 guys, today. Just say hey, talk to them and meet them. Find a replacement but DO NOT GO ON A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP! Cause they usually don't work.

Go to a bookstore today and get "Why Men Love es" by Sherry Argov... read it, and read it again.

[EuRa]

Holey crap... Allison is that you? Is HurtingBadly = Allison?

My name is Mike, and I was in a relationship just like the one you described. I mean... almost to the "T". As the guy, I was talking to other girls and going out of my way to meet them... etc. I didn't really like them but I wanted to see what else was out there, despite the fact that I had this unbelievable GF at home.

I broke up with her before, but got back together because I thought "wow im so stupid for breaking up with such a great girl!" But the same things happened again. I was looking around and I left her in pain and misery.

She ended up breaking up with me 2 weeks before Christmas, and asked for no contact. During those 2-3 weeks, I discovered a LOT about myself. I realized that I was looking at other girls because I was a perfectionist, and I was trying so hard to find the perfect one. I was nit-picking at every little detail. I had my girlfriend walking on egg shells. I didn't take the time to stop and think about all the great things she had to offer.

After the time apart, we got back together, and so far so good! I learned to stop nit picking so much, and she is working on her negative attitude/stubborness. We will be going to couples counceling soon.

So I don't think all is lost, but I do think you need to have some no contact, no matter how hard it is. If he moves on, then let him move on because that means he doesn't have feelings for you and therefore isn't worth your time. But if he doesn't (and I honestly don't think he will), then he will have time to think about everything and figure things out. Don't tell him you will wait for him, don't tell him the break is for him, just say YOU need time to think and need space for yourself for a while. THEN DO IT, and don't crack. If you can do it, you will both be better off.

[HurtingALot]

EuRa/Mike... No my name is not Allison... but thanks anyway for your post. You give me hope that in time, even if it's not now, he will see what a true idiot he is. (I can only hope that I am really gone by then.)

I am happy that your relationship seems to be working out. They take work and commitment... something that I feel my ex (or whatever he is at this point, since we haven't officially said the words "broken up" although there's been no contact so that's my take on it) lacks. He's 32 and has never been in a relationship longer than 2 years... has emotional issues and is overall, pretty much a loser. Did I/Do I love him anyway... yup. (Stupid me... )

I can only hope the pain will go away and I will be strong enough to make the right decision.

I am thinking from your post that your take is that even if he is pursuing this other thing, it won't be what he wants in time and he'll see that he let his amazing girlfriend go? Is this an accurate summary? It would just make me feel better to know that he finally will see what he has lost in me, especially if I am not there to pick up the pieces this time.

One final note... I have already started NC since New Year's Day. He has not tried to contact me but once on that day... nothing since. I know NC is helping me... What do you think it's doing for him? My hope is that he is actually thinking... but I fear that might not be the case... (Any thoughts?) I won't be contacting him to tell him of the break/breakup... he can figure that out from my not contacting him, yes?

[Brandino747]

Holey crap... Allison is that you? Is HurtingBadly = Allison?

My name is Mike, and I was in a relationship just like the one you described. I mean... almost to the "T". As the guy, I was talking to other girls and going out of my way to meet them... etc. I didn't really like them but I wanted to see what else was out there, despite the fact that I had this unbelievable GF at home.

I broke up with her before, but got back together because I thought "wow im so stupid for breaking up with such a great girl!" But the same things happened again. I was looking around and I left her in pain and misery.

She ended up breaking up with me 2 weeks before Christmas, and asked for no contact. During those 2-3 weeks, I discovered a LOT about myself. I realized that I was looking at other girls because I was a perfectionist, and I was trying so hard to find the perfect one. I was nit-picking at every little detail. I had my gf walking on egg shells. I didn't take the time to stop and think about all the great things she had to offer.

After the time apart, we got back together, and so far so good! I learned to stop nit picking so much, and she is working on her negative attitude/stubborness. We will be going to couples counceling soon.

So I don't think all is lost, but I do think you need to have some no contact, no matter how hard it is. If he moves on, then let him move on because that means he doesnt have feelings for you and therefore isnt worth your time. But if he doesnt (and i honestly dont think he will), then he will have time to think about everything and figure things out. Don't tell him you will wait for him, dont tell him the break is for him, just say YOU need time to think and need space for yourself for a while. THEN DO IT, and dont crack. If you can do it, you will both be better off.

After these few weeks of no contact; did you break the cycle or did she? Can you explain this cause I am in this same boat. Been NC for 2 weeks now.

[EuRa]

All right here's the deal.

At 32, he never had a relationship last longer than 2 years? Wow. Does he by any chance jump from relationship to relationship? Sounds insecure to me.

You sound so much like allison... haha! "Im an awesome girlfriend, when will he realize it". You know what? You might be! You very well could be, I don't doubt that at all. But are you the right girlfriend for this guy? Is he the right guy out there that deserves your attention, love, and support?

This break isn't just about him, it's about YOU! It's also to help YOU decide what's right and for YOU to determine what to do next in YOUR life.

Right now, here's what happened: You had a relationship, you gave it your all, maybe he did or not (doesn't matter), and now it's time for both of you to decide what to do next. That decision can't be made in one day. It can't be made in 1 week. But with passing time, it WILL become obvious of what that answer is.

You can't worry about him or what he does or what he wants. His answer will be shown to you within time. But you can worry about 50% of the relationship, and all that is on your end. So now it's time for you to reflect on it. What parts did you like? What parts didn't you like? Why or why not? Make a journal, write it down. If you find parts about yourself that you didn't like, then work on fixing them!

This is a great time for you for personal reflection! Every time you think about him or want to talk to him, I suggest calling a friend or family member, or better yet, writing it down in a journal or diary or whatever you want to call it. OR WRITE HERE! We're here for advice and support. We've all gone through tought times at one point or another.

I like you. I like how you think and I like what you did. I think you are in control, and you can maintain that control if you want to. These next few days/weeks are YOURS! So do with them what you can. I have confidence in you and your decisions. :)

[EuRa]

After these few weeks of no contact; did you break the cycle or did she? can you explain this cause I am in this same boat. Been NC for 2 weeks now.

I sent you a PM because I want this thread to be about the poor girl in question, not me. :)

[HurtingALot]

EuRA/Mike - Thank you so much for your reply. (Although I'm not so sure about the "Poor Girl" reference to the other post! LOL! )

I hope that you are right... I hope that it becomes clearer. I wish I could just stay angry and get on with it... there just seems to be so many variables. (And the thought of there being someone else, whether there really is or isn't at this point drives me absolutely mad.) Bottom line, He's the idiot.

I am sad... but I know I'll be OK (eventually)

I like how you think I am in control... I guess I am... but it sure as hell sucks anyway! I appreciate your thoughts... (and all others)... Keep them coming Please!!

[EuRa]

You know what, if he moves on with someone else, that's his choice. It might be wrong, it might be right, but he's a free human being that is allowed to make whatever choice they want to make. If you wanted to go to work on Monday, wearing a clown costume and telling off your boss, you are free to do that. It doesn't mean it's a wise choice. :P

Too often you are worrying about him, worrying about him, worrying about him... but you should be CARING about you! Subconsciously, you should feel bad and down a little, and that's normal, we all go through it. But consciously, you should say "HEY! Im SAD! I have to make myself better! I have to cheer my subconscious side up, or do whatever it takes to better myself!" You have to be your own best friend. Take care of yourself, do unto yourself as you would have yourself do unto you... haha.

Once you love yourself more, you will learn more about yourself. You don't need a man to make you happy or to define who you are. Hell, what you need if anything is a rebound. GO ON A DATE! Post on craigslist or search on it. Add a picture! You will get responses so fast, you'll wonder what to do with yourself. Just don't go too fast with anyone you meet!

Then once you get out, and you realize how wanted you are, you will see all the choices you have in life. Women are so lucky in life. They don't have to do much to get noticed. A little flirt here and there, and they have our attention in a heartbeat!

[HurtingALot]

Ok... so I am looking for a little more support and TLC from everyone! Had a pretty good weekend... (Surprisingly enough... ) Even had a date... (It was a great time, but I do have to admit that my heart was not really in it... )

NC for almost a week... Still wonder what he's thinking... (even though I know I shouldn't care... )

Any thoughts?

[talaniman]

Go on another date, and put your heart in it. Practice makes perfect. Hey, your still freshly wounded, and the more fun you have, the quicker you heal. And the less you think about whathisface.

[HurtingALot]

Thanks Tal... I so appreciate your input. I just wish I could get him out of my head and heart for good. I hope I'm still in his..

Anyone else?

[EuRa]

MORE DATING!

He won't change unless he has time alone to think about changing. OR... he may never change. But it's not fair to you if you have to sit around and wait for him. I guarantee that there are dozens more guys JUST LIKE HIM out there looking for a girl like you. It sucks knowing you found what you want, but he doesn't want it in return. But while you are still young, you need to go out and get someone new while the getting is good! It might suck to have to start all over again with someone else, but that's also part of the fun! :)

[HurtingALot]

My god... Why is this so hard? I have a super-full life... Great friends and family... a good job, an amazing little son (he's 3 and was always part of the boyfriend drama... ) A FULL LIFE... how is it that after a week, this guy is still dominating my thoughts? I don't get it. HELP!

[George_1950]

I think what you are describing is like an emotional addiction. What you do to adjust for that is develop coping strategies. It could be NC, calling a friend, writing in a journal or here, or going on a date, etc. The activity is a means to and end. Your memories are almost like ghosts; they are almost haunting. Do you find that you talk to yourself aloud? The only cures are lobotomy or the passage of lots of time. Give yourself plenty of room to adjust to the loss in your life. Then the mind plays its tricks: that the breakup was your fault, or just a quick call or text won't really hurt anything. You will be fine, just be patient.