[oneguyinohio]

I would guess he wants to be with you so he can continue getting your goods, but also have time and space to play with others. After 4 years, he thinks you will go for it just to be able to serve the good master.

[crispy_chick]

Yeah I suppose that could be true too
I didn't think of that

[simoneaugie]

Expecting you to act as if everything is normal, and then being a jerk in private is the hallmark of an abuser. Get away from him. Leave now. There's 99% chance that he won't change except to get more abusive. He has no right to hit you, force sex on you, verbally abuse you, or humiliate you in order to appear to be in control. LEAVE NOW!

[crispy_chick]

Thanks guys for all the advice, and its so good to hear it from someone outside the box, going by what everyone has said I will be thinking really hard about leaving. I know its what everyone around me is telling me to do but its to hear it from people who don't know me... Just finding the strength and courage is going to be hard but I know I can find it.
Thanks guys and gals

[bushg]

Crsipy... He does not even help pay for his kids, to get them what they need... That is the lowest of the low. Then he has the nerve to scream at you in front of them and hit you. After you are the one putting food in their mouth... I bet he puts you down for not working and getting public aid. You are doing it all. What do you need him for.Just think about it. All he is doing is stripping you of yourself respect. Yes, you can say I have a boyfriend and I have 4 years with him. But you don't really have a boyfriend. Friends do not treat you this way. People that love you do not treat you this way.
I bet he tries to keep you away from your family and friends.
On any given day depending upon his mood he will tell you. Your no good in bed, you're a bad housekeeper, your friends do not like you, your are a burden to your family... they never wanted you, you're a bad mother, your worthless, someday our kids will see the real you... on and on he'll choose a different topic each day or when he feels the need to put you in your place.
Then there are the times he gives you a little hope... he may mention the future or some things that you want, just enough to make you think it may all work out... all the while he is sampling new women on the side... just in case there's someone out there that is better than you are. That will put up with more crap than you. He'll keep doing this until he finds someone else or he ends up in jail or kills you. Accidents happen everyday, even deadly ones. The rage and need to vent may take control over him someday and he may not be able to stop with one hit, one punch... who's going to stop him . Your 3 year old child.

[crispy_chick]

Hes really not like that, to that degree, For been any good in bed well he's only said a couple times that I wasn't any good but that's because sex bloody hurts! And for the job side of thing he actually doesn't want me working till the kids are in school and If I do work the only work I am aloud to do is night shift, which would be too much for me, I am tired enough by the time I go to bed at night without having to go to a job once I finish everything that's needed to be done at home.
As for seeing my family, well he don't need to stop me as I barely have a relationship with them anyway and those that I do are too far out, and well he will take me to see them once in a while but only under the terms that I play happy families, he used to take me every wkend and now I'm lucky if its even once every couple of months.
Yeah he get really mad if the house isn't kept in top shape, but he won't even put his dirty clothes in the clothes basket, but I dare not complain. He gets mad if I don't cook him what he wants, but I usually ask him the night before what he wants me to get out for him.
He would flip if he knew I was on here, He hates me coming online but I do it anyway when he's not home, or when he's asleep at night, the net is soly for his benefit and I can only use it when he's sitting with me, Which means no chatting to friends or nothing unless I want him to read every last speck of detail, but what he don't know don't hurt, The email I use for this he doesn't know exists... I guess you learn to cover your tracks over time.
He only really verbally abuses me when we have fights and stuff which then he uses words I rather not even repeat, As for where you say he would say I am worthless or a bad mother well I feel that a lot the times without him even saying it, ill say it to him and he will say no your not a bad mother wouldn't do what you do, and all this other stuff.
As for the future with him He doesn't talk about that he believes you should only think about the now and not the past or future. But I know it will all be his way anyway.
As for the part about accidents, that's all he recons his abused to me ever is, I didn't mean it you made me do it. You made me this way. And so on...

[bushg]

Hs allowed to do what ever he wants and you have to do as he says, or else.
I'm glad at least you are online and talking to people, please find you a group/counselor that you can talk with person to person. Here in the USA they will send a taxi to get you and your kids to a meeting, or even a safe house. It would be so helpful if you could find a group like that. These groups help you get housing,lawyers and stand by your side through it all.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up each morning knowing that you are not going to be put down, hit or forced to do something that you don't want to do. Your kids would blossom... they can't really be the kids they were meant to be because the fear hinders their growth and freedom. It's the same with you, wouldn't you be less tense and happier.
I know that I do not have him down pat as too how he treats you, but...
Go back and read to yourself what you wrote in your last post. Would you tell another person to settle for that behavior? You know it is wrong for you and your kids to live that way and it is up to you to take steps to stop it, only you can. No matter how sad we feel for you and your babies, we can only give you advice and suggestions, the rest is up to you.

[friend4u178]

Hi Mia
Bushg is right , we can only give you advise as to what we think you should do , the rest , whatever action you decide is up to you.

Bottom line is no one including you deserves to be treated like a slave and disrespect you are , you are still young and deserve to able to live a happy and fruitful life. That is not happening in your present situation and by the sound of it there are no signs of improvement.

[crispy_chick]

Yeah I know that, But like I said All I want is outsiders appinions, yes I know its up to me to do the rest, But I am pretty confused on what to do, but reading what everyone is saying, it has made me reliese a few little things,
Bushg I re-read what I wrote, trying to look at my situation as though it was my daughters and no I wouldn't want a daughter, friend, son, or stranger to ever go through it, and looking at it like you said to just makes me feel stupid to a degree because I let myself be treated that way. But in saying that thank you for opening my eyes to my stupidity. Its so hard when you love them so much...
I think a lot of me is scared to tell him its over for good too... even my friends tell me they think I'm scared to start anything because when they have even a tiny disagreement with there partners I either put ear phones in my ears and blair my music up or walk out the room or scream at them and tell them to shut up... I don't even realise I do that though but that's what they tell me I do.

[jbaby3306]

You deserve so much better then what he's giving you. No one deserves to be treated like he's treating u. it sounds to me like he just likes the fact of being able to pick you up whenever he feels he wants to. Also as though he has a control issues. If it were me, I would leave him and get custody of my children. My step "dad" was abusive to me and my mom and now she's still living there with him and I moved out by cps and now have nothing to do with either of them. Trust me when I say with him being present does not make a good environment for your kids. Also I'm sure what your going through right now with their dad is confusing the hell out of them.
I know it was me when this stuff started happening even at that young age...

[bushg]

Oh, honey your not stupid. It is not a shame to love someone. But you have to realize when it is not going anywhere. You were a child when you met him and now you are growing up and apart from him.
Even before we told you you knew that this relationship was wrong.. you just wanted strangers to confirm what you and your friends already knew.
Another reason people stay is because they consider it a failure to go. Staying with a stale realationship is one thing but I think he may really hurt you some day and no man is worth letting that happen... what would your babies do without you?
You don't have to leave right this minute... you can make your plans and then go... But keep your eyes open and watch him, listen to how he talks to you, how he talks to your kids. Does he have any interest in you or them. Watch him with your head and not your heart.
If he hits you please call the police on him... you have to show him that he can not strike you, I have known men and women to break up and then he still returns to beat the crap out of her when he feels like it because he can and he knows she will put up with it.

[bushg]

Don't tell him anything just leave when your ready... if you choose leave him a letter... but do not give him a chance to play his crying games.

[crispy_chick]

Jbaby... Sorry to hear that you went through that... Yeah I think your right when you say that they are probably confused too, I do know if I ever have to leave the kids with them, i.e.. Just to go for a check up at the doctors, I get the water works and stuggle to leave as they try to hang off me. They stay with other people but won't stay with him, and I think that's got to say a lot.

bushg... yeah I know what your saying, and when you say they think its failure yep I agree there, I get that feeling all the time, I have failed my kids and my family and friends. I failed at been a girlfriend/partner/fiance and what not. But at the same time, I have a huge relief knowing we are not getting married when he proposed he told me we have to be ingaged for at least 3 or so years before we get married, which to me used to sound strange and I wanted it sooner, but now I do admit that I am relieved that he wants to start back at the beguinning because that means not getting married... yes it also relieves me with him saying that he wants me but wants to live apart for 6months because that means I got 6months of been able to live my life as my life, but it devistates me because I want him and I want to live with him not away from him, I am not sure if that makes sense to you but if it don't just say so.

[bushg]

You're afraid of being alone. But do it, it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself. Learn to just depend on yourself... once you do this then you will never fear being alone again. You are all you need in this life when it really comes down to it. You can control what you think and what you do..
He or I or anyone one can tell you this and that but when it comes down to junk, you can roll your eyes and think that person is so full of $hit. Because in reality no one can control you. When you realize this and act on it you will be so powerful and will never let anyone one crap on you again.

You have strength in you, you said yourself you had a crappy childhood... you made it through that and you have been through 4 years of hell with him. You have had 2 small kids back to back and have managed to keep it together for them. You could have been running the streets pawning them off on whoever would watch them. Spending your aid on yourself and partying but you choose to take care of them. It's hard enough to be a mom to babies so close together but add being abused financially,emotionally and physically abused on to that and it makes it 10 times harder. I'm sure your babies love you or your 3 year old would not be trying to make things better when his daddy is mean to you. Don't keep puttting yourself or them through this. You have strength or you would not be on this earth today. Believ me you can live with out him. Give it atry and get some counseling so that you don't end up like this again.

[crispy_chick]

Maybe I have a little strength when you put it that way, but I do feel like I don't have the strength to do it but I think I just need to tell myself that I do have the strength because that's the only way I will find it.

[bushg]

1.Sit down with a sheet of paper and write down what all you have been through that you have survived, from childhood on. I don't care if it is walking 5 blocks with your kids loaded down with milk or laundry.
Be brutally honest with yourself.. no one but you will have to ever see this... I am sure that you left out a lot of hurtful things in your post.

2.Make another list of all he does good for you and your kids.

3.Make a list of all the hurtfull things he does to you and your kids... understand what he does to you effects them, as you are their caretaker, and how you feel makes a difference in the way you behave with them.

If you could hide that paper and each day, hour mark on it which behavior he is showing to you and your kids. That may help you even more seeing it on paper.

[crispy_chick]

Writing it on paper would be like writing a novel, I know that as a fact, just my childhood is a novel in itself. I have done journalling many times, and I do keep a hidden folder on my laptop which he doesn't know I use which the first 5pages are a story I have written followed by the last 3pages so if he was to go through it unless he reads it all he will think its only a story, along with that I do put a page here and there that is part of that story I am very careful about logging events that happen because I have to be. I can't even read over them without breaking down.
I could never show anyone what I have logged it is stuff ill take to my grave with me.

[bushg]

Honey those logs could help you in court if it ever went that far.
So you can use writing as an outlet... that is good, you have ways to express yourself. Maybe you could go back to school and do something with your writing skills.

[crispy_chick]

Maybe, But I really am not much of a writter I write because it is the only way I have ever known how to express myself without violance, I either punch a boxing bag or I will write. The whole punching/bocking bag is only new though, after he gets violent towards me I go out the back and pelt into I don't really know why, but like I said it is a new thing and I mean only within the past 6months...
But I do Intend On going back and getting an education as I quit school in grade 9, so as you can guess I haven't had a very good education either. I will go back so One day I can get a really good job so that my kids can have the life they deserve and not have to go without the things they NEED

[bushg]

My sister got married when she was 13, did not even complete the 8th grade. Is on her third husband and in her 3rd year of college at age 38. So anything is possible.. yeah we were raised in hell just like you were for the most part. You'll come out a fighter, when you get tired enough. Then low and behold anyone that tries and get in your way. You'll be like a mountain lion.