[Edensmimi]

Try to make myself feel better--I feel extremely guilty about how I feel. I am not soley leaving him based on his physical appearance. There is more to physical appearance than just how you look, its how you take care of yourself as well (bet every woman would envy someone who does not brush their teeth, take showers, wash hands after going to the bathroom, pick nose). Sorry--if you find that attractive--than I am guilty of leaving over physical appearance. As far as leaving because of financial strains--I make more money than he does. I just wanted to make sure we both were financially secure and were able to keep as much of our peronsal assets--if that is selfish--than once again I am guilty. I have been honest in the fact that I have told him I am not attracted to him. My fault is that I am not being honest about leaving. I am not bailing out because of the things you mentioned--if that were the case, I would have left a long time ago. I stayed for the sake of him and the kids, as I know they would be devasted. I am not getting any younger and for once in my life--I am going to be selfish and think of myself!!! Thanks for all your input though...

Where did I misread the fact you are thinking of yourself and being selfish? Wasn't trying to put you on the defensive, just stating actual facts and whatever you gain or don't gain from what I said is not up to me. The feeling like his mother probably stems from the fact you are not in love with him. I did notice that you never denied there not being anyone else. I am not here to upset you, only offer you my thoughts, sorry if they bothered you, but in my position (rasing my grandbabies) it bothers me to see 2 more little children that apparently were conceived out of lust and not love and they are the ones that will pay the highest price here. Good Luck and God Bless

[mlp5773]

I misunderstood when you were talking about being selfish and I apologize as well. I guess I sent out the wrong message when I said I wanted to leave because of his physical appearance when actually it does stem deeper than that. I don't think I ever really was in love with him. I thought that over a period I would grow to fall in love with him, and, unfortunately, that never happened. My children were not conceived out of lust (that was never there for me) but more for the fact that I desperately wanted children. Perhaps when he got me pregnant (was told I couldn't have them by a doctor), it was God's way of telling me this was the one so I went with it. I am learning as I get older that what we think is sometimes best for everyone only ends up hurting everyone in the end. I am going to do my best to keep peace with my husband and make sure our children continue to receive our love and affection. Although I have intimacy issues with my husband, I have not strayed outside of our relationship.

[oneguyinohio]

Such a good girl, I wonder if you think your poo doesn't stink? You've got it all figured out in your own mind, and have yourself convinced that you are perfectly right and justified in your intention. If the grass is dead, then you are the one killing it. You could just as easily replant new seed. Guess you've gotten what you wanted as far as the kids, so now it's time to get rid of that which is no longer useful.

Still seems to me that you have control issues and are manipulative as well, to the point of trying to make your plans (and therefore yourself) seem good to people on here. Were you raised to be such a perfect little girl and have the perfect image in life that you have followed that philosophy your entire life?

You should also look into your own attachment issues... such as how you were treated as a child, the expectations of your father for you, and how you got the little princess syndrome.

[talaniman]

I just have to know if you and your husband ever really talked, as I find it hard to believe that he has no clue something was not right.

[oneguyinohio]

I just have to know if you and your husband ever really talked, as I find it hard to believe that he has no clue something was not right.

I think she is very good at giving the image that everything is right with her. So I'm not surprised that her husband doesn't know. I have to wonder if she even told him the real reason for the counseling... probably said it was so that she could work on her depression or something, if she told him at all.

[Cristal444]

I think people here are being quite judgemental and jumping to a lot of conclusions that I simply don't get based on what you have told us.

Here is what you have said: 7 years ago, you got pregnant after seeing a man for a few months. You weren't "in love" with him, but had a lot in common and knew he was a good person. You had previously been told you couldn't have children, so this pregnancy was seen as a sort of sign that this was meant to be. You married him knowing you weren't in love with him, but hoped those feelings would develop in time. Your second child is only a year younger than the first, so obviously you had 2 children born in a short period. Over time, however, you have not developed feelings of love and passion as you'd hoped, and now your marriage is really more of a friendship relationship than the way a marriage should be. Your husband has some hygiene issues, yes, but the bottom line is that you have no romantic feelings for him. You are both in their 30s, which is an awfully young age to settle for a marriage without romantic love. You have talked to your husband about hygiene issues as well as been honest with him and told him you are not attracted to him- this tells me you have pretty good communication as I can't imagine a harder thing to tell my husband than "I'm not at all physically attracted to you".

You have chosen to wait until after the holidays out of respect for your husband and your children, so as it not ruin the holidays with memories of sadness. Your concerns are that your children are able to adjust to a divorce as easily as possible, and that you can work out something financially so that your husband can keep some of his "toys", and also that your children can still enjoy going camping with their father.
Is this a fair summary?

Many of the responders have called you selfish, or a ""princess." but based on what you have told us, I don't see why they think that. You are not in love with your husband, you never have been, and you never will be. If you'd known 7 years ago that there was no way you'd ever love him, I'm sure you wouldn't have married him, but would have raised your child as 2 single parents. But no one knows the future, and at the time you hoped things would grow. After 7 years, though, you realize that it didn't happen. You are not just uninterested in being intimate, you are actually repulsed at the idea. "Giving in" because he keeps pressuring you is not a healthy sex life for either one of you.

Everyone seems to think you are cruel to your husband, but what I don't understand is why he still wants to be with someone who has told him point blank they aren't attracted to him. Maybe he's not been in many relationships, or maybe he's never been in a healthy relationship, because he should not want to settle for this either. You are both still young, and I think you will each find the person who is truly right for you. And when your husband finds a woman who is truly in love with him, I think he will realize all that was missing from your marriage and he will be glad you understood and had the courage to end it.

As for the financial side of things... well, unfortunately, when you take a family and divide it into 2 separate households, some of the extras in life have to be sacrificed. 2 mortgages/rents, 2 electric bills, 2 phone bills, etc... it adds up. I hope you can find a way that your husband can hang on to his toys, because to lose all of his "things' will only add to his sense of loss, and to that of your children as well. It might not happen though, but I think this is the sort of thing to be discussed together once he knows you are leaving and he can help you plan the best transition for your family.

[oneguyinohio]

I suppose that is the rubber stamp of everything she wants the world to think about the situation. Always nice if you get others to see things the way you want them to, so you don't have to look any deeper at yourself.

[Cristal444]

I suppose that is the rubber stamp of everything she wants the world to think about the situation. Always nice if you get others to see things the way you want them to, so you don't have to look any deeper at yourself.

I am not sure why you are so hostile towards her.

You call her a "princess" and claim she thinks her poo doesn't stink?

What is your answer? She should stay in a marriage in which she is not in love with her husband? In which his touch repulses her? How is that fair to her husband? How is that fair to herself?

[Santi]

Relationships are there for us to grow and learn from. Nothing lasts forever, and when something is done, it's done. If guilt is coming through for you, it might help to look at what each of your tendencies are, and how each of those plays upon the other. Often times people are put in our lives for very specific reasons. It is our choice to turn it into a marriage and babies, which is wonderful if this is what we have chosen. Even if this is the case, it doesn't mean we need to stay in a situation that isn't serving us any longer. If something is at the point of being no longer serving, then there is no point in continuing simply out of ego or fear.

[oneguyinohio]

I believe she came here looking for opinions that do not necessarily mimick her own. It would be nice if she looks deeper into her issues as I have also stated in previous posts. Simply voicing support for her and telling her why she is doing the right thing (which I don't believe) is not conducive toward helping her work through the underlying causes that got her to this point in the first place. It would only serve to help her move into perhaps another unsatifactory relationship, whitewash the real issues in her life, and possibly hurt her husband tremendously at the same time. I am not making judgements about fairness, ego, or fear. I don't happen to buy into the throw away anything you want mentality instead of trying to find a way to make something meaningful out of what others view as trash. Perhaps it takes more work, but life isn't always easy if you want the best results.

[Cristal444]

I believe she came here looking for opinions that do not necessarily mimick her own. It would be nice if she looks deeper into her issues as I have also stated in previous posts. Simply voicing support for her and telling her why she is doing the right thing (which I don't believe) is not conducive toward helping her work through the underlying causes that got her to this point in the first place. It would only serve to help her move into perhaps another unsatifactory relationship, whitewash the real issues in her life, and possibly hurt her husband tremendously at the same time. I am not making judgements about fairness, ego, or fear. I don't happen to buy into the throw away anything you want mentality instead of trying to find a way to make something meaningful out of what others view as trash. Perhaps it takes more work, but life isn't always easy if you want the best results.

Now this post gets your point across without coming off as snide, condescending and rude to her. Your opinion is much better stated without the inflammatory words of previous posts.

[George_1950]

The truck, camper, and house payments are not big obstacles; you all can either sell, surrender to the lien holder, or file Chapter 7 (or Chapter 13). The separation is what you are asking about, because you are in a relationship in which you do not love your husband. Speak to your counselor about this; you know what you want, you need assistance in getting there. And who knows: you may get to the other side of the mountain, not like what you see, and go back. Good luck.

[oneguyinohio]

now this post gets your point across without coming off as snide, condescending and rude to her. Your opinion is much better stated without the inflammatory words of previous posts.

I understand how my comments were viewed as you have stated, but I did them for reasons. I want to make a strong impact and get through her current belief system so that she will take the actions I have suggested. If my words prompt her to openly examine herself, then she will be rewarded for my words. If she shuts me out as too harsh, then she will continue on her way dismissing any objectionable feedback given.
I believe you have also slightly misquoted me.

You call her a "princess" and claim she thinks her poo doesn't stink?

My actual words were more of a question…

I wonder if you think your poo doesn't stink? ....
You should also look into your own attachment issues... and how you got the little princess syndrome.

There is a difference between name calling and believing that someone is afflicted with something.

[talaniman]

Every one thinks when there is a problem in a marriage, the solution is get rid of the marriage, and get another one. The bigger the problem, the more work there is to do. Throwing everything away after so much time,(and kids) is the easy way out, especially in light of the reasons given. I still think there is more to this story than we know, and something has happened that the OP hasn't made us aware of. I think this could explain the high divorce rate, no one wants to work hard for what they want, or don't know how to work. Or they don't know what they want. There hasn't been a lot of imput from the OP, either.

[Mathandler1]

I can't believe that there is someone else that wants the easy way out instead of finding a way to stick with it. I can understand you wanting to leave your husband if he was abusive to your and or your children or was cheating on you, but just because you are not attractive to him anymore. Have you ever thought about sitting down with your husband to talk to him? Some of today's problem is that there is that big lack of communication between spouses ove the years. For the sake of your children and your relationship, maybe sit down with him and talk about what the both of you can do to spice up the relationship. What would it hurt? It would not hurt anymore then it does now, so give it a try. I am by no means a marriage counselor but have gone through a divorce (my ex-wife's idear) with two kids and married again. If is not all the bad, can't you wait it out until your kids are of adult age before the split, then they would have go through resentment or counseling themselves. Some times we just think of ourselves and not those that we hurt by our actions. Find out what your husband thinks as well and if he agrees then sit down and talk it with your children. Another thought is rent a x-rated movie and see if that does not spice up your relationship.:eek: Good Luck!

[Nibble117]

I am in a marriage in which I am not attracted to my husband. Although I have stuck it out for 7 years, I have hit my breaking point. I have talked to a counselor, friends, and family, and they agree it is best to leave. Although my husband is aware that I am not attracted to him, he is unaware that I am looking at leaving. I want to be prepared for the big day, as we have two children, and I want this to be as smooth as possible for them. My biggest concern right now--we cannot afford to keep our truck and camper, so how do I go about getting rid of those payments?? Also, we have no equity in our house, so how do I go about selling it?

I have not been in love with my husband for 25 years... we have been married for 27... my youngest child is now 16.. and I am going to leave him after the 1st of the year... He knows something is up... but does not know what.

Both my children know I am not happy, and want to leave him... He really is a wonderful person... He did make the mistake of cheating on me 15 years ago which I forgave him for.

However my cold fish attitude( which I wish I did not have) I feel will just make him look elsewhere again... So I really feel it is only fair for me to leave him... and let him find true love...

I say... if you are not happy after 7 years of marriage... Your doing the guy a favor by leaving him... Let him find someone who can really appreciate him.

We all make mistakes, as I did too... Why make him feel flustrated, and waste more of his life in a loveless marriage.

[peggyhill]

I'm sad to hear that your marriage is ending. If you are absolutely sure that counseling won't help and feel that you have exhausted every option to save the marriage, then do be honest with him. I would tell him now, but perhaps not tell the kids until after Christmas. It's only a few days away, no need to ruin it for the kids now. When you and your husband are absolutely sure that divorce is inevitable, then you'll have to sit them down and explain that each of you love them very much, but you are going to live separately.

An attorney could probably help answer questions about the process. Perhaps talking to a financial advisor might be a good idea also. You can sell the vehicles and get them partly paid off at least. Good luck to you.

[talaniman]

You make it sound as if your doing him a favor, but I sure would like to hear the other side of this story.

[lavenderly]

Attraction is a whole area of study by itself. Do read more about "creating attraction" online.
Attraction need not always be there for a marriage to work. If we are all the time attracted to our partners, we would probably not be human.

Love has different faces. It also has different phases. From the initial butterflies in the stomach to the mundane monotonous daily routines. Im sure you have reached this last stage. It is called CONNECTION and COMMITMENT. It is still love! You just have to realise this, please...

Old couples will tell you that they do not feel passionate attraction, but they do feel committed attraction. When it is that long into a marriage, thoughts of leaving will occur. Please note that the crucial times to ask for quits in a marriage is in the 3rd year, 7th year, and 14th year. This is backed by scientific evidence. You are in the 7th year, so please do not act rashly.

Ur children deserves your patience too. Give it a try...

[George_1950]

"I am not attracted to my husband. Although I have stuck it out for 7 years, I have hit my breaking point."

That says it all, right there. Time to end this one, in as civil a manner as possible.