[Matteus]

Hello everybody! After months of reading through this website, which in fact was a big part in my healing process, I finally came here with a new face, now as someone who really learned something in the whole game called Love. Im someone who accepts, forgives and forgets. I wasn't like this, but I learned to become such a person, and forgive the decision of other people, if that decision hurts me. So, to everybody, who has been dumped, doesn't matter the level of the hurt they used to live, learn to forgive and forget. Don't hate your ex. Remember, you were also a big part in their decision to leave you. Learn to ponder your position, your behaviour too. Im not saying you were bad, or they were bad. Or because you had different point of views. After all, we all are different people, with different point of views. What I'm trying to say here, to keep it short, is that, in this forum I haven't seen anyone saying or telling you how and why you should learn to forgive, and why you have to look at yourself too, and don't blame your ex reactions. So, I was thinking that, I hope here everyone needs a new topic on "whats love, attraction, and your position in having a long and great game called love".

I've recently been reading books on seduction and dating from the perspective of both genders. The basic premise I've been encountering -- regardless of which camp you belong to -- is that we are attracted to people who are not too available. When someone is 100% open to you, there's no challenge, and you get bored. "Cat string theory" (a term I encountered in Neil Strauss' The Game) states that when you stop dangling string in front of a cat and just let it sit there, the cat gets bored and walks away. You have to keep on dangling to keep its interest.

A guy wants to work hard to win over a girl, and a girl wants a guy who's not all needy and desperate. According to Darwinism 101 (aka evolutionary psychology), a man is naturally competitive and wants the woman with the greatest hip-to-waist ratio to bear his child. Conversely, a woman wants an alpha-male to ensure that she and her child will be protected. One pickup artist named Mystery (mentioned in The Game) states that despite cultural and technological advances, we're still slaves to our biological drives that worked for us tens of thousands of years ago, when we lived in small tribes.

Manipulation
A friend of mine mentioned that her office colleague comes in with new ideas to snag a boyfriend. One tip -- called "doing a coyote" -- involves a woman going to a guy's house for the first time after dating for a while, having sex, and then leaving in the middle of the night while he's sleeping. Presumably the intended effect is to make the man feel insecure so that he'll work harder to keep the woman, as well as make him feel more attracted to her because she's not 100% available to him. He was probably looking forward to cooking breakfast for her -- he's not just into the sex, you know!

Are we to assume that -- to succeed in the dating world -- we must resort to competition and mind-games?

Yet it is true! We get angry when somebody blocks us from something we desire. We strive towards a goal that we have not yet attained. Some couples fight just so they can have make-up sex -- they try to create some space between themselves, presumably because emotional enmeshment is not a turn-on.

Members of couples who have enough separation are healthier than those who are codependent. If both people in a partnership have their own hobbies, friends they go out with, and so on, then they develop their own distinct identities, they are not just one-half of a relationship unit. They continue to feel attracted to each other because there is a gap to bridge.

Life gives us the drive to go out into the world, initially impelling us to separate from our mothers. Then our "dependency" impels us to come back for security and nurturing. In developmental psychology, this is called rapprochement.

In the dating world, it is the dependency in people that is apparently a turn-off. Neediness, clinginess, waiting by the phone, "I need you"... it is these behaviors that often drive someone away. It is one thing to flirt and send flowers, it is another to call someone up and say, "I can't live without you."

Perhaps it is the child in us that sabotages dating success. Our first template for relationships is the mother-child bond. As adults, we have unfulfilled needs, and we expect that our infantile fantasies -- we will be taken care of, all of our emotional needs will be met, we will be enveloped in love and warmth -- will be met by a man or woman. However, most adults don't want to be parents to a partner. Parenting implies being with someone 24/7, having no space or time to develop one's own interests. That's what it's like raising an infant.

Well, I hope this post will give our dumpees some real answers to why they have been dumped.

[George_1950]

I guess these are ruminations, thoughts without organization. I am not saying you are wrong; if fact, I appreciate your effort. But I am having to work too hard to figure out what you are saying. Or maybe it's just the time of day.

[s_cianci]

I guess these are ruminations, thoughts without organization. I am not saying you are wrong; if fact, I appreciate your effort. But I am having to work too hard to figure out what you are saying. Or maybe it's just the time of day.

Actually this thread makes a lot of sense and the things he's said are very true. He's obviously done some research on the topic of relationships and what makes them successful (or not.) This is very valuable knowledge for anyone who's single and part of the dating world.

[talaniman]

Hi Matt, your right that we react badly after a break up, but I think one can see things clearly when they have gone through the healing process, and be more honest of the assessment of the relationship as a whole. Even though the reasons are varied, we learn, and take that experience with us. Its human nature to grow, but not necessarily together, and with the way couples hook up, and move so fast they do not often think about what may happen down the road, after they get to really know each other. Nor do they take the time to heal from one relationship to another, and that has its own consequences. But we learn to take our time, and recognise what it is we feel for another, and temper the impulses, with some caution and the common sense we have learned from past disasters.
As for married couples, I think instead of working together, it far easier to just divorce, and try again with someone else, and this attitude is what kills the family lines, and the structure of our society as a whole, All because I think, people want something, but have no clue what it is, and how to get it. Its more than playing house and having sex. Its hard work, and you really have to know your partner very well, and that takes time.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

Matt:

Think about the saying "All the girls I want don't want me, but the girls that like me, I don't like them". Same principal.

So yes, if you act like you are not needy in the beginning and a challenge it definitely helps, but then the problem becomes that you are just acting. AND, she has to be available (no boyfriend lingering) and have an interest in you.

So, frankly, its all a numbers game.

[Jiser]

Yup good post, pretty much it's the way things are.