[lost??]

Hey man I'm glad it seems like things are going to work out for you. I wish the same were true for my case. Do you really think that by just bringing it up and issuing an ultimateim really helps? It seems like that's what you did. I am prepared to lose her and I already know what it feels like to be without her. But do you think it's a good idea to tell her that she will lose me and that I want to get over her?

[Chery]

hey man im glad it seems like things are gonna work out for you. i wish the same were true for my case. do you really think that by just bringing it up and issuing an ultimateim really helps? it seems like thats what you did. i am prepared to lose her and i already know what it feels like to be without her. but do you think its a good idea to tell her that she will lose me and that i wanna get over her?

Reflecting back and looking at the alternatives, I'm sure you know what the answer is. Sitting back and wishing is not the adult way of solving issues. Avoiding the 'rejection' is not the answer and is something we all have to go through in life to help us grow emotionally. Like everything in life, learning something new is always hard, but once done, it might surprise you. At any rate - again check the alternatives and make a choice. At least this way you won't regret it years later.

Good Luck.

[jeffatl]

I think that there are a lot of RED FLAGS here that you are being totally blind to. She doing a TON of double talk here, and if you take your head out of the clouds and THINK about what she is saying, you will be WAY better off. As Im sure I said before, trust me, I have been through this Same THING, and all it did was make me crazy.

Point#1
"He actually cussed her out this past weekend because she hadn't been as responsive to his requests to hang out after I told her that I didn't like them hanging out." sounds like a dating situation to me, or this guy is just crazy.

Point#2
"she explained that she just wanted us to be able to figure things out before she committed to anything"- This pretty much means she wants to date other people right here. Just a subtle way of putting it.

Point#3
"I don't want to pressure her into anything"- You may not want to, but you ARE!

Point#4
"I was told by a friend today that he heard it was her that was pursuing the other guy"- Listen to these people, they see it from an outside point of view.

Point#5
"My friend also told me that my other friend's girlfriend walked in on the two of them lying together in her room after I'd gone home for christmas break"- You are being totally blind to this bud.

Point#6
"Being myseterious, busy, confident, and keeping my mind on other things"- No, you are hounding this girl. You really need to back off, yesterday.

Point#7
"I feel like I'm back in the same place over and over"- This will keep happening, I promise you.

Point#8
"She may also perceive it as the end of us working things out and start dating him instead"- You can't convince her otherwise, so stop trying to. She needs to come back to you on her own.

Point#9
"How can I gain complete control of this situation?"- By taking yourself out of the situation completely!! You have ZERO control over this, and the only way for you do "gain control" is to let go.

Point#10
"I think I've been in mild denial about all this, and she might be too"- No, its just you. She is semi holding on because she is scared of letting go of you IF things don't work out with someone else. Not fair to you one bit!

Point#11
"She said that it seemed like it had always been her "in control" (which I would have to sadly agree with)"- NOT GOOD, learn from this mistake.

Point#12
"The one thing I'm worried about is recently there has been a lot of drama (crying on her part) when we've seen each other or had serious talks"- same thing for me bud, I think the reason for this is because it is too hard for her to say what she wants to say to you. Not a good sign.

I picked these things out because they really jumped out at me. I went through pretty much the same things here, so LISTEN! This will never work its way out at the rate you are going. I can only imagine how crazy you feel over all of this, I know I lost my mind. This girl is trying to tell you things, without actually having the guts to come out and say it. She is just going to keep grinding your balls until YOU "take control" and just let go. I know, "if you dont tell her how much you care, she might think you dont want her back" I thought the same thing. In fact, this could be your best chance in getting her back. Wildcat always says "people want what they can't have" DING DING DING. Wake up, change your approach to this, and man up. It took me a while to, and Im only saying this to HELP you not do the same stupid sh@t I did! I hope you come back to this thread and read this in a few months, you will not believe it. You started this thread on Dec 3rd, and it is STILL going up and down on Jan 22nd... hello?? Nothing is going to change, no matter what you try and do. Do nothing, try and date some other girls, or just get friendly with some new ones to make her freak. *sigh* Please don't do this to yourself anymore, its really not worth it. You have to get over all this emotion and think with your brain here, and you can't do that with this girl making you act like this. Best of luck...

[Chery]

So, now you see, dear, that you are not the only one with fears and doubts, and that we all have to get through this stage in our lives somehow.

Again, good luck and all the best!

[Wildcat21]

Jeff from Atlanta - I am proud of you. I think you've learned a lot here. I think you have totally spelled it out for this guy. He has all the answers as to what is going, he can write itout here - but can't put it all together mentally - you did that for him.

This gall is defintely seeing someone else - I 90% of the time you think soemone is cheating/seeing someone else - they usually are.

The more you chase in a situatin like this, the MORE the other person runs!! She has you!! - it's like chasing your shadow - you can never catch it - it's like when you let your shadow chase you - it will never catch you.

Back off, move on. WAY too much pressure on this gal.

[jeffatl]

Thanks, I think the thing that I learned the HARD way is that yea break ups suck, but you can't let other people control you so much, and you always need to be able to let go of the situation no matter how hard it may be. I think that all of the advise given on here is more often than not DEAD ON! I think after a break up, you NEED to wait at least 1 month before ANY contact so you have time to get past the emotional part of the break up and think with your head. I see his blind eye because I was the same way, but it is sad because I know that no matter how we spell it out, he is the one that has to realize this stuff...

[talaniman]

JEFF-Thats why it seems we say things over and over and over...

[Chery]

There are as many opinions as there are people, and the choice in the end will be up to you.
Just keep one thing in mind, no matter what - we cannot stereotype love, relationships, emotions and/or gender. It's all experiences that we have to make for ourselves one way or the other for our personal growth.

Again, all the best - and I'm sending positive vibes!

Nothing in life is 100 percent perfect - we have to make the best out of it that we can.

[heepr]

Well I haven't checked back to see what people have been saying because for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel like I needed any advice. Everything is going great. We're spending a good amount of time together but not excessive amounts of time as we had before, and she feels better about us than she has in a long time. I'm infinitely more relaxed now, and not worrying about it. I guess that results from me laying it all out and being prepared to let her go if that's what she wanted. I don't think I can type anything in this little box that will portray to everyone that things are right now.

I don't think telling her to do what she wanted qualifies as pressuring... If anything, it's the exact opposite. She laughs about the other guy now and how "immature" he is. She made it known to him that she wasn't interested in spending as much time with him as I guess he wanted, so he cussed her out and won't speak or look at her. She was laughing about it the other day and said, "you know what, I don't even care." She's compared him to another of her former friends (a female) that was similarly immature about a year ago and refused to speak to her.

It's hard to pick words and relate certain instances to describe what's happening. All I know is it's wayyy better now. Hanging out with her is relaxed and fun again. There's no need for serious talks and tears. Call me a fool, in denial, or a wussy for "hanging on" if you want. All I know is I'm happy and I have reached resolution. I feel great and so does she. Thanks for all the advice when I was going through my hard time.

[heepr]

Lost- if I regret doing anything, it was hanging back, pretending to be unavailable, faking disinterest, and playing all the mind games that confused her and just came back to confuse me..

Once I faced up to my fear of losing her, and laid out the actual issue and COMMUNICATED with her, everything took a 180* turn for the better.

[Chery]

Lost- if I regret doing anything, it was hanging back, pretending to be unavailable, faking disinterest, and playing all the mind games that confused her and just came back to confuse me..

Once I faced up to my fear of losing her, and laid out the actual issue and COMMUNICATED with her, everything took a 180* turn for the better.

ATTABOY! As long as you're happy with your choice that's what counts. Wishing you both all the best! Go and enjoy life and each other. So glad to hear that some dreams still can come true, keep that positive attitude.

[confused25]

Hey Heepr I'm really glad to hear that things are working out for you! Keep doing whatever your doing and sparks will definetely continue to fly. As has been said before, communication is key!

LOST- Giving someone an ultimatum is not always a good idea. It depends on the situation. One thing people forget is that every relationship is different and thus different approaches have to be taken. There is no one size fits all when it comes to dating. The reason I had suggested to Heepr to lay all the cards on the table was because the games those two were playing were obviously getting out of hand. Both of them were really hurting, it was not a one way street. Furthermore, and most importantly, from what Heepr was telling us the two of them didn't really need a break but rather needed to have a long, open, honest, and serious discussion.

Your case from what I remember is slightly different. The girl your seeing doesn't seem to be playing games, or trying to make you jealous. It looks like she is in all honesty just trying to figure things out and needs her space. Therefore I wouldn't suggest an ultimatum. This girl just needs time. When you go to dinner have fun with her and joke around with her. Don't bring up the relationship until she is ready. Basically wait for her to bring it up. Also, if she doesn't bring up the relationship on the date don't worry. Just be patient. Make sure you let her know you are happy to see her again, but don't over do it. Take things as they go, kind of like a first date. Basically have fun, which if you do, she will too and allow her to remember the good times. But don't do an ultimatum, because it sounds like you'll push her away if you do.

[southpointes]

A break usually never works. You guys can still be together and still spend time away from each other with other friends or doing stuff you guys like on your own. A break to me is a word that someone says to one another when they are growing fond of each other. In your case it is not that huge to take a break. Trust me, all you guys need is time away from each other like for example get a day out of the week and hang out with your buddies and have her do the same. Another good thing to do is to please her in what she likes. Sometimes women go see a basketball game just because we like it, not because she wants to go. Why don't you do the same, find out what she likes to do even if it's hanging out at the mall (The biggest thing we hate to do the most). This ain't Burger King, you can't always have it your way. Solve whatever it is that she is concerned with or is bothering her but don't give each other a break, it usually ends in disaster. Well this is my opinion and is not something to debate upon. Read it and decide what you want to do. Wish you the best

[jeffatl]

That's great that things seem to be working out for you bud, but just be careful. I just have a BAD feeling that at the 1st sign of anything wrong she is going to pull this all over again. I hope you have learned a lot for this next go around, don't let her control you, have an exit plan, and IF she does pull this again, WALK!! Best of luck to you!! I know I'm chearing for you!!

[Chery]

A break usually never works. You guys can still be together and still spend time away from each other with other friends or doing stuff you guys like on your own. A break to me is a word that someone says to one another when they are growing fond of each other. In your case it is not that huge to take a break. Trust me, all you guys need is time away from each other like for example get a day out of the week and hang out with your buddies and have her do the same. Another good thing to do is to please her in what she likes. Sometimes women go see a basketball game just because we like it, not because she wants to go. why don't you do the same, find out what she likes to do even if it's hanging out at the mall (The biggest thing we hate to do the most). This ain't Burger King, you can't always have it your way. Solve whatever it is that she is concerned with or is bothering her but dont give each other a break, it usually ends in disaster. Well this is my opinion and is not something to debate upon. Read it and decide what you want to do. Wish you the best

Hey there, welcome to the forum. It's so refreshing to hear from a man's point of view that it's OK to compromise on some things to please the one you care so much for. It does help to have at least one day off and/or share something that the other likes more than you do. I know you will do just fine in any relationship you get involved in, you really got that lesson in personal growth. Enjoy your stay with us on this wonderful forum!

P.S. I'm 55 and have a b/f of over 4 years now, who lives upstairs from me. We see each other every day, but I purposely don't live with him so that it will not get 'old'. I call him in the morning and make a 'date' - that gives us both something to look forward to and prepare for. Or I just go up and wake him, we eat breakfast and then go back to bed.
I do cook for him mostly every day, but sometimes I don't and he then gets a TV dinner out, but he does tell me how much he likes my cooking and even helps with the dishes. Until he makes a permanent commitment, my plan is to keep it as it is, and have fun.

Anyting is possible if you work at it.

[bizygurl]

I agree with Chery, I think it's a good idea to not always be around each other, although I know that is tough in the beginning of the relationship. But if you do have breaks from each other ounce in awhile it helps to maintain that spark.