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Keatts16 · Nov 23, 2007, 02:30 PM

Its like this. "if he doesnt have the guts to ask me out, hes not worth my time."

onlineguy · Dec 20, 2007, 09:23 AM

If interested in someone, is it better to show a definite statement of intent that you want to be with them and suffer the possibility of rejection!

Or is it better to show indications that you like the person and wait to see if this is reciprocated ? If it is fine, if its not then you know and do not suffer any perceived rejection.

What are your thoughts.

George_1950 · Dec 20, 2007, 12:25 PM

I don't understand what you mean by "show a statement of intent". A statement, literally, is something you say, not show. Dating is a game and it really helps if you play with someone who likes you a lot.

Braden23 · Dec 27, 2007, 11:04 AM

I agree with George. Don't be too forward, at least not at the beginning. And also, the more the person likes you, the more forward you can be. Feel it out and test the waters a little bit. Good luck.

ISneezeFunny · Dec 27, 2007, 12:00 PM

Like, you should write up a letter on your lawyer's letterhead..

onlineguy · Jan 31, 2008, 05:32 AM

In the first instances of meeting someone it is natural for us all to form an opinion about the person. The initial opinion is of appearance, i.e. do we find the person to be attractive or not. (It is said that this only takes seconds for this to register in our sub conscious).

If we find the person to be attractive we are naturally open to forming an emotional connection with this person. We are open to talking to them, getting to know them, flirting etc. We see them as a potential mate.

However if we do not find the person to be attractive then we are not open to forming an emotional connection etc. We see the person on a friendly basis. Friendship Only.

So if a person tries to connect with someone who finds them attractive then they have a greater chance of connecting with that person.

If a person tries to connect with someone who does not find them attractive then they will receive negative responses or rejection from the person who does not find them attractive.

So if an unattractive person wants to connect to an attractive person then they must demonstrate a value to the other person, other than their looks. Ie: sense of humour, personality etc (in some cases money / status). Once this is demonstrated then the person may fall for them because of these other qualities.

However my question is this ? How can an unattractive person, Male or Female be in a position to demonstrate their positive personality traits to the attractive person they desire, if that person is not open to forming an emotional connection with them and sees them only on a friendship level.

If the perceived attractive person does not view the person as a potential mate on a conscious or sub conscious level then they are not open to communication and naturally inclined to look for a different person who they find attractive as their potential mate. Not the person who they do not view in that way.

((It would appear that the dating game - relationship success and emotional happiness are all subject to the body beautiful and appearance image. We all would like the attention and love of the super model or the hunk)).

George_1950 · Jan 31, 2008, 07:59 AM

onlineguy writes: "However my question is this ? How can an unattractive person, Male or Female be in a position to demonstrate their positive personality traits to the attractive person they desire, if that person is not open to forming an emotional connection with them and sees them only on a friendship level."
This is also known as the physical attraction test and may be the most superficial assessment in the 'mating' game. But it remains the gateway, nonetheless. The other one, for guys anyway, is to get a good look at her mother.

HistorianChick · Jan 31, 2008, 08:07 AM

An interesting commentary on today's Dating Game comes from the pen of the greatest romantic writer of all time... Shakespeare.

"Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks, Shall win my love:"
The Taming of the Shrew
Act IV, Scene II

I agree that the physical attraction plays a huge part in the dating game, but superficiality can only get you so far...

talaniman · Jan 31, 2008, 08:13 AM

I'm going to disagree with you, as its easy to assume, what attracts people together, but the truth is we never know, whom we are attracted to, and for what reason.

George_1950 · Jan 31, 2008, 08:23 AM

Such a nice line from Shakespeare; don't you think he was in a quiet place contemplating verse and meter? And not on the scene or in a pub? Where did people meet in his day?
onlineguy's post speaks of "In the first instances of meeting someone...." And that is why I used "gateway". Unless one is either blind or separated by distance upon meeting, the first impression (or onlineguy's words, "initial opinion") is pretty-much dictated by what one sees.

ISneezeFunny · Jan 31, 2008, 08:35 AM

It's the science of love. Think about it this way... you ever go to the mall... at a restaurant... or wherever you are, and you see a stunning woman (or man) and you think, wow... she/he's gorgeous. Then suddenly, you see the guy/girl next to them and you think, HOW THE..?

... you never know.

HistorianChick · Jan 31, 2008, 08:35 AM

I think Shakespeare struck on a truth... The truth that looks aren't everything.

He also lived in a time of literary correspondence. Literary correspondence in which people got to know one another through lines of poetry rather than over the rim of a cosmo.

I'm not saying either method is more superior to the other, but I think we as 21st century relationship seekers/finders/upholders would stand to benefit from a little more Shakespeare and a little less Long Island Ice Tea.

:D That's just my opinion... yes... I'm a hopeless romantic!

onlineguy · Feb 1, 2008, 05:25 AM

Interesting Replies Guys

So for a naturally attractive person the dating game holds many opportunities.

But for a naturally less attractive person the dating game and future relationships hold fewer opportunities.
Their greatest chance of meeting someone is not pubs, clubs where they are judged on appearance first and dismissed without being given a chance to show their personality but by working with attractive people so their personality can show through.

oneguyinohio · Feb 1, 2008, 05:40 AM

I'm going to make an assertion that physical appearance is not be the key component of attraction. I think it is obviously over valued in today's society. Some people are attracted to the sound of another's voice, their actions, or their life style.

There are people who are not into looks, but are attracted by those other qualities.

I think the type of person who is attracted by those other qualities would be more desirable to have a relationship with. When your looks fade, your other qualities will still be there for you.

Granted, if you have the looks, then you have one more potential tool for successful attraction given that it takes different strokes for different folks.

A big problem with the visual factor of attraction is that what you see is not always what you get.

George_1950 · Feb 1, 2008, 06:10 AM

I can agree with almost all, but edited several words: "Granted, if you have the looks, then you have a tool for more opportunities given that it takes different strokes for different folks."

onlineguy · Sep 19, 2008, 03:48 AM

I was with a Good Looking girl whom I loved but she had a stinking attitude which I could not live with. So I ended the relationship and thought I would find another good looking girl with a nice attitude, but this did not happen and I suffered rejection and loneliness. This caused me to feel low and down and I therefore wanted the ex girlfriend. But she had already moved on to another.

However I did not realise that I am not as attractive as I once thought I was!!

I have since continued to not find another girlfriend and therefore, I now miss her terribly and it feels like I have lost the love of my life. When in actual fact it is the love of a good looking girlfriend with a nice attitude that I miss.

But this constant failure is making me feel severely depressed, and this loneliness is making me miss being with someone. Therefore all I think about now is her and the good times and I now can't remember the bad times or how bad the attitude was that drove me away.. Few years ago now.

This is really causing me pain and driving me insane, I don’t know how to deal with these feelings ….. Or how to continue on this lonely road. Oh I could make do with someone I do not find attractive just for company. But then if I was to make do then I should have stuck it out with the ex who I liked 90% of everything about her, except for her attitude which is a fundamental part of her personality!!

I can't even go back, the girl married and moved away years ago.

Help! I am so mixed up……

talaniman · Sep 19, 2008, 05:58 AM

Hello again guy, sorry to hear about your problems coping with rejection. May I suggest an honest look at your own attitude, and choices, to point you in a direction of self improvement?

Your entire post gives evidence to the standards you put on others, and to be honest sounds very shallow. To find a good healthy partner, you yourself must be a good healthy partner, and basing that on looks, might not be the way to go.

I suggest friendly interaction, and knowing the person, and letting the person know you, a better idea, than the superficial method your using now.
Good luck!

JBeaucaire · Sep 19, 2008, 08:05 AM

I wouldn't take you not find a new girlfriend yet that meets your standards personally. It's not a reflection on you completely, part of that is just the randomness of the universe.

That's why you need to waste VERY LITTLE TIME being mopey and self-critical, and just stay out there.

If your list has "good looks" on it NEAR THE TOP, then that might need to come off completely for awhile. You don't fully realize this, but beauty is subjective. Think about it... you broke up with your previous good looking g/f because her personality was ugly, overall resulting in her being ugly.

You MUST realize the opposite is true as well... dating people or hanging out with nice, selfless, productive and giving people will MAKE them more attractive to you overall.

Just get out there, find some giving environments to meet people, probably places you haven't tried yet.

onlineguy · Sep 22, 2008, 08:50 AM

Stuck in a vicious circle now, see a woman I find attractive, either let my feelings know or ask her out - get rejected, confidence and self esteem knocked - feel depressed over the rejection and miss the ex partner who's value is now as high as when I was originally in love with her!! This is insane, I can't deal with this anymore ! My depression is getting severe as well as my value reversal.

All I can think about is the ex ! How **** up is that ! (Even have thoughts to contact her!! - Will never do that- ).

Can anyone help me through this ?

Romefalls19 · Sep 22, 2008, 09:02 AM

I would suggest seeing a therapist, depression is a terrible illness and almost impossible to overcome without professional help. The self esteem issues can be resolved by maybe working out a bit? I know after my break up, I felt a little down on myself, then I started going to the gym daily, and after awhile people were commenting how much better I got with my shape and health wise.