[jorgy22]

Cliff notes:

*Ex and I talk after no contact for about 3/4 weeks, she tells me she wants to give my birthday (dec. 27th) and christmas presents (that she got back for me in August, we used to shop early together)... I don't know if I should give her a gift at all, but see that since she's giving me something I shoud do the same, and feel it would be unclassy not to do so.* Advice?





Hi everyone,

I posted a while back ago about a separation I had with my ex of 7.5 years which took place on November 1st.

Well, I've kept to my guns and did the no contact thing until last week. It was my little cousins birthday (the only girl in the family) and she started crying cause she missed Monica. I caved and called her so they can talk. I then get a voicebox (not a voice recording)... so I think and then figure that she's changed her number (our contract ended on Dec. 1).

This hurt, I thought "wow, didn't even give me the new number... what a btch!" but this stung even more because now my little cousin got even worse.

So I get home and I call the number twice more, and then get a pickup. She greets me kind of in shock that I'm calling her... and I tell her about my little cousin, and how she got sad and cried her whole birthday (Monica and her were very close... she's known monica since she was 4... and, since she's the only girl in the family, kind of treated/saw Monica like an older sister/cousin). She says that she's at the hair salon (I forgot it was Thursday... its were she usually is) getting her nails done and that's why she couldn't get the phone, but the girl was holding the phone to her head... I say, OK, just call me back later then... and she'll call me back. I felt like btching her out... but held back.

So... I'm a bit hurt... I don't let her know that over the short conversation, but I am. I say my prayers and compose myself. She calls me back an hour later...

We talk for about an hour (just chit chat... talk about my new job, etc... I miss her, but don't hurt like I used to... some days are better then others, what can I say), kind of like it used to be but MUCH less feeling from me... I let her carry the conversation... and then I ask, because we are talking about relationships, "Please don't take this the wrong way... its not for us, but for the person I'm with in the future.... Why did you leave me?" So she says that she didn't feel like I was the same person anymore and that I am not what she needs right now. I say OK, thanks for letting me know (I was diagnosed with depression and have been suffering from it since 2005 and gained 80lbs... but since Nov. I've really bounced back lost 35 and have held a good job with a promotion coming next month) and I know that I haven't been my old self.

Then she asks what I'm doing for my birthday (December 27th)... and I say that I'm going to have dinner with my family and then maybee go out. She says that if its OK with me, can she drop off the present she got for me a few months ago (August), and my Christmas present too. I say sure... if you don't want to, you don't have to come over to my house, we can meet somewere else. She says she's OK with coming over, but I say that I don't think it would be OK for my family, and that I'm uncomfortable with that. She then says that "Well, I got these specifically for you, so I can't give them to anyone else" and agrees to meet somewere.

Then her brother gets to her house with his boyfriend (they are homosexuals) and comes out to her family (I hear this over the phone). Everyone pretty much knew, just her parents didn't know "officially." They kind of give him an "Ok... we already knew. We love you anyway." So he gets pissed and does the "noone understands me routine"... I guess he just wanted the attention. She says "I'll call you back..." and we hang up.

She doesn't call me back (I kind of figured since she's the family counselor over there... so I didn't wait.)... but emails me from her job in the morning with "I'm sorry, but I had to be there for my brother." I reply with "no biggy... I had to go to bed anyway and really couldn't be on the phone much longer. I'm at work, so I can't talk. Talk to you later."... that's the last time we've talked since last Thursday (and the first time since early/mid November).

Here's my question... Do I get her a present? What should I get her? I was thinking a card and maybee some shower gel or creams or something. I originally thought wine, or Kaluha (since she likes it), but figure that's too dry. I don't want to "go all out" like I used to if I get her something, just a something nice and simple... but don't want to simply not give her anything if she is giving me something, and see it as a little "lacking in class" to do so.

What do you guys think?


Thanks,


Jorgy


*cliff notes on top*

[talaniman]

Wine is enough, to think you would never be in this if you would have been firmer with your little cousin.

[jorgy22]

^^^^^^^^^^

Yea and no... when we first broke up and were still talking, she brought the present thing up and I said that "I'd love to see her on my birthday"... and almost pleaded with her to come over, and she said that she'd rather meet.

Now it feels a little backwards... like she wants to come over and I don't want her to... just because I know she does.

[mafiaangel180]

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't have accepted her gifts, nor would I give her one.

I guess if there was some sort of hope for reconciliation you could take her out to a very nice dinner. I don't know.

[jorgy22]

I'm going to be honest.

I really do love her. I've had girls coming at me left and right, and can't pull myself to go out on a date, and only hang out with the guys.

I REALLY want to reconcile our relationship, and start a new one together... so I want to see her. I miss her. I don't care about the gifts. I just want to see her and let her see me (all the weight I've lost and changes that I've made... I've made them for me... but it wouldn't hurt to let her know/see) and spend a little time together. Maybee this will help spark it again. I'm not counting on it... when I see her I'm going to keep it short and sweet, but see it as a stepping stone.

I don't know... I'm lost without a map, and I've lost my compass. Just looking for some guidance so that I may find my way.

I know that from now on I'm going to be happy with her or without her (or anyone). I've really gotten to learn about myself... but do miss her. I don't think I'm "in love with her" anymore, but still love her and can see myself with her.

Thanks everyone,

Jorgy

[talaniman]

but do miss her. I don't think I'm "in love with her" anymore, but still love her and can see myself with her.

That is so confusing, and I understand this was sudden, but don't make more of it than it is. Exchange gifts and be gone. I would have left well enough alone, and just tried to console the cousin.

[jorgy22]

^^^^^^^^

Tell me about it! I don't feel like I hurt that much, if any, and just like I miss her.

Does that help to clear it up? I don't have the "I can't wait to marry you and want you to have my children" feeling anymore.

I just miss spending time with her, romantically and just socially.

Does that clear it up?

[heat515]

If you love her, then allow her to love you and miss you back. I think keeping you space might be the best thing for right now and if she loves you as much as you love her, than she'll come back. What makes me nervous is that you say you are not in love with her. Don't settle, go for someone that makes you crazy. If she is that person, you'll learn that in due time.

Go with the present and then give her space. Good luck to you!