[BiWiccanAndProud]

Okay I am currently in a wonderful relationship! My boyfriends name is Jamie and I've never been happier! I love him with all my heart and trust him with everything. I would do anything for this man! And he is the same way with me... I've never felt like this with anyone. The problem is my ex. I hate him as much as I love Jamie. It isn't often I wish bad things on people, but him... I wish every bad thing a person can on a person on my ex. I hate him that much, at one point though I loved him. Not nearly as much as I love Jamie, but I loved him none the less.

Me and Andis dated on and off for 3 years. The last time we dated we got... a bit intamate. That's when our relationship started to change. As we got more intamate, our relationship turned more and more into something sexual instead of something speacial. When we were together we never talked! I sat by him and all he wanted to do was make out. December of last year our relationship finally started to stabalize. We were talking and getting along great! I thought things would finally work out right. Then on New Years... we almost had sex and everything went down hill from there! He turned into a royal jerk... he broke up with me January 15 (what makes things worse is mine and Jamies anniversery is on the 15th), a few days later we had a argument online and I found out he had been using me the whole time.

Well here it is that time of year, December, and I'm worried as hell! Every time me and Jamie have even a slight issue I get worried that something's going to happen to break us up. We almost never argue (we will celebrate our 7 month anniversery tomorrow and we have only had two fights), so I don't mean arguments. An example would be what's been going on the last couple of days. He wants to know everything! I was talking to his mom asking her what she thought something he would like for christmas would be (so I have back ups if I can't get what I want to get him), he came in the room and we stopped. At one point Jonni says "I know!" and I said tell me later. He asked about it and I said it was nothing. I wanted to spice up our sex life tomorrow night on our anniversery, but then he told me his mom is off tomorrow and I say "Aw dam it" he asked what it was and I said nothing. This morning he sent me a text telling me it seemed like all I was doing lately was keeping secrets from him, he doesn't like secrets. I explained the only secrets I keep from him are surprises, and I think he excepted it, but I'm still worried, I still feel sick to my stomach and on the verg of tears from worrying.

The question is... how do I get rid of this fear? How do I get over the fear I feel in this relationship with Jamie, the man I love, the man I want to marry! I can't worry like this every time we have a tiff. I can't! Please someone help me! I really need it!

[Caralyn]

There is only one way I know of in a relationship to dispel fears and that is to talk. You really must sit down with Jamie and let him know how you feel about him and about your fears of losing him. He should be able to reassure you and show you how much he loves you too.
The other relationship is getting in the way, it might be time to make a clean start. Think of all the things you learned from the other relationship that you can use to your benefit in this one. Good luck I hope everything works out well.

[BiWiccanAndProud]

I have talked about it with him. We were in my car and Last Christmas by Ashley Tisdale came on and it reminded me of the situation and we talked about it. I cried a lot (I tend to do that, I cry for every emotion) and he reassured me, but as much as he does I'm still scared. I'd given away my heart to Andis and had it broken, it hurt like hell. I love Jamie more then I could ever have loved Andis, hell it hurts just thinking of losing Jamie... he's my world. The funny thing is I know he won't leave me but this fear still haunts me. I'm big on karma and luck. Andis ruined December for me cause it just... brings a black cloud of worry over my head. I know Jamie won't leave me (and I won't leave him), but I'm just so dam scared!

[Caralyn]

Your worries and fear will upset this relationship. Take a step back, listen to yourself, and see how you are doing this to yourself. Change some of your internal dialogue for some more positive thoughts. I know the time of year is tough but if you fix it so that you feel strong in yourself you will get through this. Come January perhaps you and Jamie can recommit to each other for that all important reassurance that he is the one for you and vice versa. Try to relax, you'll only make the situation worse if you don't. If you want him then do it for him. Take care. Stay strong and stay above the battle.

[BiWiccanAndProud]

Thank you... maybe it's partly cause I think of the pain Andis caused me and know that if Jamie left me... it would hurt even worse. Andis is always going to effect my relationship. Hell the beginning of our relationship I compared everything with me and jamie to andis. I started to freak out inside just when he mentioned selling some video games of his to get me a birthday present if he didn't have the money... cause Andis did that once. If anything Jamie did was something Andis did my mind looked at it like a bad omen. The whole reason we had sex as soon as we did in our relationship was cause I figured "Alright if we have sex and he turns into an I'll break up with him, if not then I'll know for sure this won't be like it was with Andis...". Jamie knew it too I never even told him that was why but he knew... he was asking me over and over if I was sure and stuff (lol he's so sweet and concerned) and he told me after that he was more then happy to get rid of my fears.

After that... he didn't love me any less and our relationship was still the same... and it brought us closer. So one fear is gone, the fear that I was going to fall in love again just to find out my love was going to be like andis. Now it's just this fear of losing him I have to get over.

Does this happen to everyone who has a serious realationship only to have it end? I mean that that past relationship continuously effects your future ones? And that damed feeling that they are still controlling you to some extent, even though the bas**rds aren't there?

[ordinaryguy]

Does this happen to everyone who has a serious realationship only to have it end? I mean that that past relationship continously effects your future ones? And that damed feeling that they are still controlling you to some extent, even though the bas**rds arn't there?

This is why rebound relationships are often doomed to failure before they start. Time between to heal and regain your own center is essential. You're paying the price now for not taking time to do this before you got involved with Jamie.

[BiWiccanAndProud]

Me and Jamie started dating May 15th (Andis broke up with me January 15th, I didn't even realize the irony of Jamie asking me out then till later). I felt that that was long enough and I felt I was over Andis. I didn't even think about Andis when me and Jamie first started dating. It wasn't until I started to fall so deeply in love with him that I began to think of Andis and worry that I was giving my heart away once more only to have it broken again. I know he won't leave me and I won't leave him (we have come to the conclusion that we would only break up with the other if we cheated but we both have the same opinion on cheating), we even have plans for marriage.

[BiWiccanAndProud]

With everything else going on. Can anyone give me some advice on how to make Jamie understand that I'm not going to tell him EVERYTHING! I've already told him that I will tell him the truth to any question he asks me but... if he asks me about something that is a surprise, when I said it's nothing, or don't worry about it, to just drop it! Normally surprises are secrets. He doesn't like secrets I know, but I don't want to never be able to surprise him just cause he doesn't like secrets. I'm glad he told me that it upset him though. Normally he will NEVER tell me when I upset, irritate, or anger him, he doesn't like to! So I'm pretty happy he told me that he didn't like secrets, I normally can't get him to talk to me about that kind of stuff. He expects me to tell him when I have an issue with him but he won't return the favor, he says it's just in his nature.

[ordinaryguy]

He doesn't like secrets I know, but I don't want to never be able to surprise him just cause he doesn't like secrets.

Well, you just need to get together and decide which is more important, your love of surprises, or his fear of secrets. If you really care about each other this will be pretty easy.

[Caralyn]

Once you realise that you can't make Jamie understand anything - you can only communicate honestly with each other and hope you are making yourself clear and hope that the other person understands - then you will both understand the situation much better. You don't have to tell Jamie or anyone else 'everything'. You don't need to confess, they are not your priest. It isn't so much that he doesn't like secrets, it's more about curiosity. If you have a secret then keep it in your head where it belongs. Avoid giving him half the story, it will only enhance his curiosity. Don't play games with his emotions or this relationship will go the way you fear it might. The relationship is still new. It takes some time for people to trust each other enough to completely open up to each other. If he is pushing to know stuff and you are afraid of the outcome then simply ask him to slow down. Slow the relationship down a bit for a while. Give the relationship time to unfold and for the trust to grow.

[talaniman]

Fact 1, You haven't healed enough from the first relationship

Fact2, You and Jamie are moving way to fast, as talk of marriage after 7 months?? Not a good idea.

Fact3, You barely knowing each other.

Fact4, I suspect your using him as an emotional crush, instead of a proper healing.

Fact 5, Your so emotional invested, that you are losing who you are at a time, when you should be find yourself. You also depend way too much on his presence to ward off your own fear of being used and rejected. This is your job and had you taken time to heal you would be a lot more balanced and less dependent.

Advice: Slow this train down, and give yourself time to heal, and even more time for you two to get to know each other.

[BiWiccanAndProud]

... what? None of those are facts except the first one! My healing from Andis was like a huge bloody gash in my arm, but is now just a scar that is slowly trying to disappear. Me and Jamie are moving at a pace that is comfortable for us. We know PLENTY about each other, we have told each other EVERYTHING about ourselves. There's not a thing about me he doesn't know. I'm an emotional person, yes, but I'm not losing myself. I am still the same person I have always been, I haven't lost myself at all. I'm more open, happier, and have a higher self esteem since me and Jamie got together. If I didn't have Jamie then that huge gash would still be bleeding.

Caralyn, thank you for your advice. I very much appreciate it. I've never played with his emotions though. At one point his mom thought I was cause I used to talk about Andis a lot, and she thought I still wanted Andis. I don't though! I just have a lot of stories that involve Andis! He took up 3 years of my life from the age of 13-16. That's a large and important portion of my life. I've explained that to Jamie though, and his mom, nothing could take me from him. The only thing that could break us apart is if he broke up with me, cause I would never leave him. As said... he's my world, and I know he's "that one".

[mustang0529]

Hi I just want to say one thing a real relationship you will have fights and arguementss that's what makes a healthy relationship so that you guys will never hide anything from each other! Don't worry about your relationship with jamie! Hey that's funny my b.f is named jamie! All I want to say is that every relationship is different all you got to do is enjoy yourself and make it work don't worry if both of you guys love each other as much as your saying you guys will stay together forever!

[ISneezeFunny]

I'd hate to say this... but 7 months is nowhere near long enough. You could know his social security number and his blood type.

But 7 months is only one month more than the honeymoon period. The real crazy gets out at 1.5 years.

[s_cianci]

Don't impute to Jamie the wrongdoings of Andis. That's unfair and a sure way to kill a relationship. Also be sure to pick your battles carefully. If Jamie really thinks that you're keeping things from him (besides what to get him for Christmas), then find a way to reassure him that you aren't. It shouldn't be hard, since you truly have nothing to hide.

[talaniman]

It seems your first relationship would have taught you a valuable life lesson, and now this new relationship has you deeply emotionally invested after 7 months. My point you learn a persons ways and habits over time, and not by just talking. Realise also that, at 16 you are changing and most couples your age think this is forever, look around you and read some of the other experiences that have been posted, We all think that at your age. My point is to go slower, and be more realistic with this relationship. Love blinds us all, but experience tells us to protect our emotional self.

[Caralyn]

BiWiccanAndProud,

I take it Jamie was your first love? We never forget our first love, so what you are doing is understandable. But what we all learn and you will learn too is that it is better not to share those memories with new relationships - they are special, keep them to yourself.

[BiWiccanAndProud]

If you mean Andis Caralyn then yes he was...

And talan I'm actually 17, only 6 months from behing 18, I've read many of the relationship posts on this site and have posted my advice to many of them. I know 7 months doesn't seem like much time to many people, but over 7 months of dating (more then a year of knowing each other), we know each others habits and much about each other even our parents or friends don't know. When I brought up the marriage thing I didn't mean we are thinking of actually getting married RIGHT NOW, I meant we are thinking about it. This is the guy I want to spend forever with, and he says the same about me. He wants to ask me soon, if he does, we'll be engaged for a while, but I am ready to be with him always. He's the only person who has ever treated me like he does.

Sorry I'm rambling, thank you all though for your advice! It's a huge help! Saturday was our 7 month. It went so wrong at first cause we got in an argument over my parents (my mom has some issues with him cause he shows disrespect to adults sometimes and he's a smarta$$ 24/7). I asked him to show more respect and restraint around my mother and we ended up in a debate. All morning, the discussion kept coming in, at one point I started crying a bit cause my worry started setting in after he said he wasn't going to change just for my mom and I said I wasn't asking him to change. I ended up letting out all my worries again and he just held me close telling me that nothing this simple could break us up and that he'd never leave me. Me and my over emotional self just kept saying that I loved him to and I didn't want to lose him.

So I did let him know guys (crying as I always do... I cry with every emotion especially worry), we have talked it out my worries and we talked out his always questioning me thing and the night went great!. till I threw up my dinner >.<.

But things are better, so again I thank you all for your help.