[kregatta]

I've been married for a little over 6yrs and I am just NOW beginning to learn about my husband's sexual fantasies!

Over the past few months, I have discovered that he is addicted to cocaine. I'm not sure if drugs have to do with him opening up and expressing his sexual desires but I feel like I am stuck at this point and very helpless and clueless.

As a result of him suppressing his sexuality when it comes to our relationship, he has reached out to other woman (including prostitutes!) to do whatever. At this point, at least in my eyes, our relationships has suffered a great deal and I don't see how we can move on before reconnecting emotionally, building trust, and bringing back the man I fell in love with.

We used to be so sexual, spontanious, and fun! I've always made myself available to him, but after a series of continuious rejections over the years, I shut out. He says that the reason he was rejecting me is because he was under the influence and would not have been able to satisfy me. My questions is, then why would he turn to other woman!?

His addiction got out of hand, which is why he revealed it. Our relationship is in limbo right now. I don't know how to be with someone that has cheated on me. I realize that this is somewhat caused by a "disease" but my feelings are stronger than my logic at this point. He has also recently been diagnosed with being bipolar.

Although his drug issues are still ongoing, I feel like he's trying to connect me with sexualy again. The problem is that I can not make him realize that I need to heal and feel secure beofre going as far as what he's asking of me. He thinks that once we bring the "spark" back, then everything would be better.

His sexual fantasies are about me being with other men. This scares me and I feel that he has lost respect for me and doesn't love me enough to get jealous!

As you can see, my feelings and thoughts are scattered!! Help!

[godshed120]

It sounds like you two had a great relationship in the beginning. Now you say he's cheated on you multiple times, doesn't mind you being with other men, and is addicted to cocaine. It sounds to me like he's too far gone. The logical answer would be to break it off with him bow before he causes you even more disappointment and heartache. I understand the way you feel about him but it's up to you to decide whether you want to keep getting hurt or not. It takes a really strong person to come back from something like cocaine, most people don't make it without going to rehab. With the cheating, it becomes easier to do and harder to resist every time you do it. To me it just sounds like more hurt feelings for you down the road if you don't break it off now.

[kregatta]

I'm not trying to find excuses for him, and I admit that I am hurt and angry at this point, but I know that he is capable of not using if he's not around certain environments... his need to excel in life and at his job is a major trigger.

He has not been to rehab, but he is seeing a psychotherapist. He had been clean for a month but as soon as he went back to work, it was back to the same problems.

He wants to be involved when I'm with another man... this is not something I am comforable doing, but me being satisfied and acting "slutty" is what turns him on. Although we were more sexual in the past, our sex life did not include a third person. He even said that I don't have to physically be with anyone... just maybe flirt or watch.

I am curious as to maybe a combination of the influence of the cocaine, as well as him being bipolar is what's causing all of this!!

He recently started taking medication (lithium) for the BD, but for the past couple of days he has not taken any because he's been coked up!!

What sucks even more about the situation is that I found all of this only a few weeks after giving birth to our first baby.

Leaving him is easier said than done. Maybe I'm holding on to something that isn't there... I just want to feel like I've done everything before walking away.

[godshed120]

His BD and cocaine are probably not a good mix. From what you've told me I think the best thing for him is rehab. And after rehab there are support groups he could go to. Support groups would help keep him from relapsing and doing cocaine again. This would be his best chance at staying away from cocaine. If he does agree to go to rehab for you than I think the man you fell in love with is still in there. This way your baby can grow up with a father.

[smoothy]

He has issues to resolve before you should ever consider his fantasy. And then ONLY, and ONLY if YOU are fine with it. Don't be pressured into something you aren't comfortable doing.

If you had a healthy relationship, and he didn't have his addiction then I'd say go for it if you are cool with it, You don't appear to be however so don't do it. Your relationship with him has many issues. He is full of issues. Don't even consider this with a guy that has the issues he has.

Some guys can be fine with this... others can't. I'm one that can't be. Its just how I am.

[Synnen]

Honey... this guy has been a danger to your health (your LIFE, really!).

Give him an ultimatim and stand by it: He gets his butt to rehab, or you'll take you child and leave, and make sure he doesn't get to see his child until he's completely clean.

I don't know a court that wouldn't back that.

YOU need some counseling too. You need to understand that it's not okay for someone to treat people the way he has treated you.

[Fr_Chuck]

No husband that really loves their wife would want them with another man. There are people who live lives of swinging and so on, but I bet he wants you to be with other men, so he can then use that as an exucse for being with other women. (just a guess)

If he is still seeing other women, and using drugs, I would hope if you have a sex life with him you are using protection, as to who knows what he can bring home to you.

Personally I would separate from him, and not take him back till he is clean in all aspects of his life

[mjl]

I TOTALLY agree with Fr_Chuck

I think you should get yourself checked for STD's and especially HIV/Aids since he's been with many prostitutes.

I agree that no husband should want their wife to sleep with another man, after all what was the piont of taking those VOWS then?!

[N0help4u]

Tell him (sarcastically) ?Yeah, okay, we go for it and then... yeah like I fall for the other dude and then... welllllll hope you have good memories of me..! "

See how much he wants to share with another guy then!

[Helene100]

I am married to a man that has a drug addiction and he also does some pretty irrational things because of his addiction. I just started going to al anon meetings where there are other people going through the same things as I am and it helps me because I was getting sick and unhealthy and isolated and crazy being married to an addict. Good luck with your situation . I know how difficult and heartbreaking and crazy it can be .

[CravenMorhead]

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