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Insecure in Relationship
Entire story merged
I have been dating the most wonderful man for about the last 6 weeks, the problem I have though is that I feel scared and insecure in this relationship. Scared of getting hurt (and its been over 5 years since my last proper relationship) but he tells me he wants to be with me and that he's in love with me. I'm not sure why I feel insecure, as he has done nothing to make me feel insecure and he constantly reassures me of his feelings towards me, etc but maybe I'm just insecure because I'm scared. Could someone please give me advise on how to stop being insecure as I don't want this to ruin what is a great relationship. Thanks |
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Well, no one can really do anything except you. But one thing you may think about is the worst case scenario. That is HE LEAVES YOU. What will happen then?
Nothing. You'll be hurt and sad for sometime, and then you will be fine. That is how life works. And then you'll meet another guy some months, maybe years down the line. Usually insecurity in a relationship arises when you begin to think your partner is the end all be all of your life. That is NEVER THE CASE. Partners are just A PART OF YOUR LIFE. THEY ARE NEVER YOUR WHOLE LIFE. If you think about your relationship along those lines, you may not be as insecure as you are now. REMEMBER, HE'S NOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE! --Cali |
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 Originally Posted by Blondie00
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Originally Posted by Blondie00
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Blondie, I hate to be the wet blanket here. But if you are feeling insecure pay attention to your gut feelings. On the other hand, enjoy what you have now, and don't over expect for anything more at present. Six weeks is way too soon to be expressing love. Maybe that is your source of insecurity right there.
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Originally Posted by cerisa
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Originally Posted by Blondie00
Ok, you are insecure, and that can be controlled. I mean its up to you. But what I'm worried about is your first red flag. Maybe the first. 6 weeks, and he feels in love ? Doesn't it sound a little too soon to be true ? Guys, real one, them without problems, usually are hard to let someone get inside their heart so fast. Usually this is a sign of a weak man, with some controlling issues. I hope I'm wrong, but just take it slowly and watch out. Second, about your insecurity, I have to say only this. That has nothing to do with the new person in your life. Absolutely. It seems like you still are not over your past relation, in the meaning that you are still afraid and have fears, and you didn't kill your demons inside you. Its normal to have fears, but its not normal to not fight them. No one can guarantee that this is the right man, and you give yourself in, but you should not base every relation on a bad experience. I say, forget for a moment about this man in your life. Not physically, but with your thoughts. First you have to kill the demons and fight the fears you still have in. Say yourself, force yourself to believe in one thing. THAT THE OLD RELATION IS DEAD! and this should not influence your life and your relations in the future. I don't say you have to believe in a 6 weeks relation, but also don't ruin it because of your insecurities. Enjoy your relation, cause that's the only reason of a relation. Later, things will come to face. For now, this man has nothing to do with the old one. But don't put everything in the game, like you did with the last one. |
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Moving in with Boyfriend
I have known my boyfriend for 8mths, been together for 3mths. We plan to move in together next mth, I know it probably seems a bit too soon but I really want to live with him. He says he wants to see if we can live together "to see if we can live on top of each other".
The thing is that he has 2 kids that he gets every second weekend. His kids have never been a problem, but I feel that I haven't considered the effect on his kids with him and I moving in together. He was the one who brought up the subject of us moving in together so he must be comfortable with the idea of it including his kids. I've read in other posts that it is best to either be engaged or married before moving in with someone who has kids, so that the kids aren't confused with the situation. I would love to get married and spend the rest of my days with him, but I want to do it for the right reasons and not so we can live together. I would like to get peoples thoughts on this. Thanks in advance. |
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I was in your shoes once. The kids didn't handle it well. If it was meant to be with you and your man, it will be. Don't rush it. Take your time and get to know him and his kids better. :)
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Originally Posted by Blondie00
Plus, please think of the children. If you really want to marry this man, his children are part of him and must be respected. Yes, they will be confused no matter their ages. In fact, teens tend to handle a live-in situation even worse than little ones do, and begin to act out and have school problems. The children's behavior and attitudes toward you will change (which you DON'T want, if you get along with them now). You will have the added influences of your man's ex, the mother of his children, who may intentionally or even just accidentally fill the children's heads full of all sorts of lies and nonsense. And her parents and other relatives, upset that the marriage has failed, may also be a huge negative influence on the children. If your man is comfortable with it, I'm guessing he's thinking mostly of himself and the convenience of having you around 24/7. Not that he's selfish, but that's just how guys think. They don't usually explore the broader implications of all the emotional trauma that possibly will occur. Men usually don't like to think about emotions. To repeat, I vote no. |
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I think you should wait as you don't know each other that well to make such a relationship changing move, kids or no. Its just to soon. You should be having fun, not playing house.
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Wanting to move forward with Relationship.
Now you will probably all say I'm being needy, insecure and trying to rush things. But I'm 27years old and am starting to feel my biological clock ticking and I just don't want to be wasting my time with someone who doesn't want what I want.
Here's the story... I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months next month (will have known him a year in April) When we had only been together for 2 months he told me he wanted us to move in together, so we started looking for a place. Then I fell ill and had to take a few weeks off work, and he decided it was best he looked for a place for himself cause he was worried about my job security, which I respected. I have now been healthy and back at work for the last month and he still hasn't been able to find a place. I asked him last night 'where does he see 'us' heading?' - his response was 'i don't see wedding bells in the near future but I would like us to move in eventually, and he's worried that his focus on work will cause conflict between us' (he is very ambitious and career minded at the moment and is quite focused on it) I said to him 'well wouldn't it be better to find out sooner rather than later' (referring to the work conflict situation) He asked me where I saw 'us' heading. I told him my thoughts were - I want to get married and have kids. Apparently he wasn't shocked by hearing this and it did not freak him out. And I said to him 'but you said yourself its not something you see in the near future' and he responded with 'well I only look in months' He has now decided that we should now take the plunge and move in together. The thing is, I wasn't trying to pressure him into moving in with me/marrying me or anything, just wanted to see where things with us were headed (from his point of view) cause I just got the impression that he wasn't serious about 'US' with his changing of mind of moving in together. Now I feel that he wants to move in together cause he feels that he might lose me otherwise, and the thing is yeah I will move on if there is no ring on my finger in another 6 months (I haven't told him that though, again cause I don't want to pressure him). As I said before this post, I don't want to be waiting around for something that may not happen, as he said himself, its not something he saw in the near future, but really after 6 months together you should know whether the person you are with is someone you could see yourself marrying... dont you agree? p.s. I'm still not 100% sure moving in together before getting engaged is the best option |
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Well, let me assure you then, moving in together is absolutely 100% not the right thing to do.
A lot of people do it, so I'm not suggesting it isn't common practice, I'm just saying it goes against common sense, mine at least. Those "few" people who move from living together to marriage successfully will disagree. The rest, well, you know what happened, don't you? My basic dating lecture goes like this: Dating is about discovery. It's about taking the time needed to truly discover who your partner IS. Guys say a LOT of things while dating, we're great at giving assurances, sometimes, but in the end we are what we DO. What I mean is a man's actions convey his real character. He could be "saying" that he's shy/nervous about getting too close, but his actions are consistently loving and attentive and selfless. And vice versa, he may say loving/bonding things, but is frequently selfish, thoughtless and after dating 6-10 months you see more and more how much he puts his own needs ahead of yours. This is critical information to take in, and is also a separate issue from your feelings for one another. People "love" rather easily. But people do not behave lovingly automatically. That takes practice and mental commitment... and maturity usually makes this more likely over time. So, your relationship will take on an entirely different paradigm if you move in together pre-marraige. Finances will interfere with your courting process, some of the issues married people face will begin to surface, but you won't have the commitment of marriage to push you through. You are two independents under the same roof trying to court... you hope... but living together, where do you go for prolonged privacy? A successful marriage will be based on two fully confident, self-reliant, financially conscientious people deciding they have a lot in common OTHER than their feelings to base a lifetime on, so they commit to the relationship legally and begin the Corporation Of You and Me and do the work to make it succeed. These people can survive the hard HARD times that will come because their foundation is solid. The fact that you guys talk about this stuff is awesome. I want to make sure you are actually HEARING what he is saying. Does this make sense logically: YOU: I want to get married and have kids, do you? HIM: Let's just move in together instead. YOU: But what about marraige? HIM: I don't know, maybe someday, let's move in together instead. YOU: I want to talk about where "us" is heading. HIM: Well, I'm about my job and career right now. But we can live together... YOU: Well, ok, I guess, but if it doesn't work out, I'll have to move on. HIM: (to himself) She's not going anywhere soon if I can get her to move in with me. YOU: OK, let's move in together. HIM: Great, now are you sure you're financially stable to pay your half? Honey, I read you being about the relationship, and he's about getting his way and not being detracted from his goals, and YOU have to financially help him by sharing personal expenses when you move in together. I read this as fraught with failure or at least TONS of frustration. You don't have to do that to yourself, keep your lives separate and enjoy a relaxed, secure independent life until you both reach the same point in regard to being a family. Right now, you're just a couple, and it appears you have a LOT to learn about each other. Don't mess it up by mixing your finances this early in the dating game. If it doesn't work out, it will be a fiasco unmingling, or at least WAY more pain than it needs to be. |
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Great post JB, very insightful. To the Blondie00, your clock may be ticking, but his is not. And no matter if you've known him a while, you've only been together for 2 months. Your strangers, that haven't even gotten good communications down, so if marriage is your goal, don't move in with anyone, until you find one you know well enough to trust, love, and work, with to build a happy life for your kids. Trying to hurry things like that is a formula for disaster. The time-line you present is not realistic, to my thinking anyway, but would be better to wait and get to really know someone for at least two years before a long tern commitment can be discussed. There is no real hurry, that's your mind playing tricks on you, so be patient, and do this right, not only for you, but the security, and stability, of your future kids.
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2 years and No Proposal
Background - I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years and have been living with him for 1 1/2 years. He is 34 and I am 28. He has 2 kids and has been married before but has been divorced for over 10 years. I have no children yet.
I want to get married and have children which he is VERY aware off and our 2 year anniversary came, he took me away for the weekend but there was no proposal. He has told me before that he could see himself marrying me. The thing is, I'm starting to feel the urgency to move things along in our relationship. The reasons for this is that - 1. We have been together over 2 years, I feel that we are comfortable with each other and know each other very well. 2. I want to get married before I have kids. 3. He doesn't want to be having any more kids after the age of 36 and will be getting a vasectomy. I have known about this from the beginning and it is now less than 2 years off. As you can see, I'm feeling the clock is ticking for me to have my goals met while respecting his decision. I don't want to push him into marrying me or manipulate him or anything. I'm really not sure what to do. I love him very much and want to stay with him but I also don't want to go through my life without having children of my own. I'm looking for suggestions as to what to do? We talk about the issue of marriage and kids all the time. I understand that I can propose to him myself, but I want to know that it is HIS decision to marry me. Please don't judge my wanting to get married before kids. This is very important issue to me. Thank you in advance for you advice. |
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Your clock ,may be ticking, but his isn't. Maybe you should be more direct as to a date, and not hold your breath waiting for a proposal.
This is where I tell you communications, is better than assuming, or waiting. How many kids do you both want? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-189074.html, Wow this is what I wrote in March of last year:
your clock may be ticking, but his is not. And no matter if you've known him a while, you've only been together for 2 months. Your strangers, that haven't even gotten good communications down, so if marriage is your goal, don't move in with anyone, until you find one you know well enough to trust, love, and work, with to build a happy life for your kids. Trying to hurry things like that is a formula for disaster. The time-line you present is not realistic, to my thinking anyway, but would be better to wait and get to really know someone for at least two years before a long tern commitment can be discussed. There is no real hurry, that's your mind playing tricks on you, so be patient, and do this right, not only for you, but the security, and stability, of your future kids.
I think you should slow down on your thinking and get this straight before you proceed. |
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I feel the same way you feel. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I'm 22 and he is 30. He has 2 kids (live in another state with their mother) and I don't have any kids yet. I'm on the pill also. Been on the pill since I was 17. Anyway, I told my boyfriend that when I turn 24 I was going to stop taking the pills cause I want a baby before I am 30. I've told him this plenty of times so... He's all right with it cause he hasn't said anything negative about it. I do get upset though cause I'm not engaged yet and we been together for so long. I also want to be married before I have kids! I don't know what is up with guys these days. Act like they are afraid of commitment. But you should talk to him about how you feel about this situation |
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Sounds like you both want different things in this relationship. You need to talk things out with him and figure out where you're headed. If it's not the direction that you want to be heading, then you have to make it a clean break, instead of trying to force the issue.
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I no the feeling also but I'm only 25 and he's 30 its been a year but I no I want to be with him |
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It sounds like both of you are in denial of what the other person wants. You want a child before he gets a vasectomy, and he probably knows that you won't really leave him if he gets a vasectomy. |
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