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VADawg · Oct 12, 2007, 09:07 PM

Yeah, I might just bring it up but not make it the center of the conversation. I want to help her out and see what's going on but she needs to know how bad she made me feel.

Thanks a lot for the advice man... I appreciate it. Hopefully I can call her sometime. Who knows though.

enigmagnetic · Oct 12, 2007, 09:09 PM

Yes. Don't make it about you, make it about helping her. In telling her how you don't feel for her in that "relationship" way because of what she has done in the past to you you are helping her as well. Good luck homey.

cerisa · Oct 12, 2007, 09:24 PM

VaDawg, you have more concern about her feelings than she has about yours. Just don't let her play you kiddo.

VADawg · Oct 12, 2007, 11:10 PM

She just sent another e-mail...

"I wasn't sure if you got my last e-mail...but ...if you would be okay with it...I could really use a friend right now...I know you hate me ...but I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did...everything bad was happening all at once and it still is ...you are the one friend I am comfortable talking to! I just need a friend right now...but if your willing to still be my friend...I am really stressed out with a lot of things...if my Aunt knew I was talking to you via myspace she would kill me...she says I cannot get on it at the house...so if you call...and if it ever gets mentioned...just tell her we talked in school...don't even mention the email she'll get suspicious. but anyways hopefully I'll hear from you if not I will understand..."

This is eating at me so bad right now.

enigmagnetic · Oct 12, 2007, 11:17 PM

Take a deep breath, you're not a bad dude for not responding immediately. Give her until at least the morning time. Furthermore, I want you to realize something that I know to be true but difficult to accept people like her are very good at tugging at heart strings. She knows exactly what to say to make you feel the way you do. My ex just emailed me today and said in not so many words, "guess what I'm going to see your favorite musician first row". This is an attempt to create an emotional uprising. If her attempts weren't so transparent I would have freaked out. What she wants is for me to break down and beg her to let me go with her. I will not. You have to stand strong. Most of all don't let it eat at you away. You must understand you feel this way because of who you are. Some people would respond back saying " f u" but that's not your style but you must know that there really is no exact right response. She's even adding drama with the aunt thing, typical child of an alcoholic father. Don't even mention anything about the aunt and reply later take a deep breath go play Halo and realize you're too damn young and single to let this weigh on your conscience.

VADawg · Oct 13, 2007, 12:08 PM

This is the e-mail I'm about to send:

"(her name),

I saw your message on Myspace late last night and I wasn't really sure how to respond. I wasn't ignoring it or anything. I've been thinking about it a lot. But just to make it clear, I don't hate you. The way things ended just pissed me off because I had no clue what was going on. I thought I did something horrible and you just weren't telling me. I understood that it was probably best we didn't talk to each other for awhile just to move on, but it hit me so fast. I wasn't really sure why things happened the way they did.

But I do still want to be friends. Even after all this I still care for you as a friend. I'm really sorry to hear about your dad and I know how much it hurts you. When I get a chance I'll give you a call."

How does it sound?

enigmagnetic · Oct 13, 2007, 12:20 PM

Originally Posted by VADawg

This is the e-mail I'm about to send:

"(her name),

I saw your message on Myspace late last night and I wasn't really sure how to respond. I wasn't ignoring it or anything. I've been thinking about it a lot. But just to make it clear, I don't hate you. The way things ended just pissed me off because I had no clue what was going on. I thought I did something horrible and you just weren't telling me. I understood that it was probably best we didn't talk to each other for awhile just to move on, but it hit me so fast. I wasn't really sure why things happened the way they did.

But I do still want to be friends. Even after all this I still care for you as a friend. I'm really sorry to hear about your dad and I know how much it hurts you. When I get a chance I'll give you a call."

How does it sound?

Here is my analysis right off the bat. Get rid of "I've been thinking about it a lot", then get rid of "I wasn't sure how to respond", then say you were upset and put off not "pissed off". The rest is good. You don't want to give her a sense she is clogging up your mind and you can't think of anything else, that's needy, so don't tell her you've thought in depth about it. Never show uncertainty to anyone, if you don't know don't say so (that is unless you're in class or learning something then say so and ask questions, although saying you don't know something doesn't need to precede a question, and saying you don't know how to respond in the sense you are is unnecessary and detrimental), so don't say I wasn't sure how to respond just leave that out, it makes her look like she can easily throw you off. Now the pissed off part, you want to show her you're more emotionally composed than that. Using less intense adjectives is the key. In communication when making point adjectives are inherently powerful. You increase the intensity depending on what kind of reaction you are seeking. In your case you're simply looking to portray genuine concern, but that you don't need her in life to survive. Stick to your guns.

VADawg · Oct 13, 2007, 02:17 PM

Thanks for all the tips. I took out what you said and just sent it.

Now all I have to do is make the call. I honestly don't feel like doing it tonight because I feel like crap, but I will tomorrow.

enigmagnetic · Oct 13, 2007, 02:22 PM

Do it on your time, that's it. If you feel like crap do something you want to do today. Go play video games. Have a beer with a bud. Take care.

VADawg · Oct 13, 2007, 07:51 PM

She responded to the e-mail a couple hours ago. She basically said that she was happy I don't hate her and basically went into how her dad was probably going to die. Then she told me what she was doing tomorrow and to call her tonight if I want because she'll be up late. No mention of the breakup or anything. Kind of what I expected, but I'm a little disappointed.

I guess I'll just help her out when I call her tomorrow. Maybe at a later time I can bring up the nature of the break up.

enigmagnetic · Oct 14, 2007, 05:19 PM

Originally Posted by VADawg

She responded to the e-mail a couple hours ago. She basically said that she was happy I don't hate her and basically went into how her dad was probably going to die. Then she told me what she was doing tomorrow and to call her tonight if I want because she'll be up late. No mention of the breakup or anything. Kind of what I expected, but I'm a little disappointed.

I guess I'll just help her out when I call her tomorrow. Maybe at a later time I can bring up the nature of the break up.

Seemingly she wants to use you as her shoulder to cry on and at the present moment no more. It really all depends on what you want. The breakup seems to be related to her emotional fragility. Her explanation would be obscure I think. She is going to be a handful of headaches for you. If you want to be there for her you would be altruistic but you risk no reward or return. She doesn't seem to be able to give much to you now. If in fact her dad is dying you have to realize this will be an incredibly harsh time for her. You could be a friend but to think that you may get together and have things flow smoothly is optimistic but against the odds. Good luck.

VADawg · Oct 24, 2007, 05:27 PM

I posted about the myspace breakup and how she came back to me and wanted to be friends. She came on really close last week and called me two or three times a day and we met up a couple times. It basically felt like we were back together for that week. Well, for some reason she hasn't called me since Saturday. She said she would call me either on Sunday or Monday but she hasn't.

Now... I told her that I didn't want to get back into a serious relationship with her straight up. She agreed and said she didn't have those feelings anymore. But to be honest, I think she does and she is blowing me off this week just so I will second guess what is going on. She came on strong last week so I would get my feelings back for her so she could hold me in the palm of her hand again.

At least that's what I took out of it. If this had happened a few months ago, I would've been second guessing everything and probably would have fallen for her. But I'm stronger now and I realize the games women play.

You guys think I'm right?

statictable · Oct 25, 2007, 12:13 AM

From your notes I would have to say you hit a grand-slam. Way to go.

shazee08 · Oct 25, 2007, 06:52 PM

Yep I agree with you.. she's trying to manipulate you, but I don't believe she wants you back. Think about what's going on in her world at the moment. Maybe she was feeling a bit lonely so you were a good distraction to help her feel "wanted" again. That would have boosted her self esteem and now she feels like she can go out and carry on with someone else. Always look at things from the other persons perspective. Forget about your perspective. Hope this helps.

VADawg · Dec 3, 2007, 09:35 AM

I'm really good friends with my ex. She broke up with me, but we got back in contact about a month and a half after it happened. I was fully healed and we're closer than ever.

Lately though, she's been having a lot of bad mood swings. Whenever we try to talk about serious issues, she tells me that "I've got a lot to learn" or she gets pissed off and tries to make me feel terrible. It's almost like I can't really express my opinion to her without her trying to belittle me.

She's also been really clingy to me, which is weird because she is the one that broke up with me. I've made no effort, and she has. She tries to kiss me and hold hands but I tell her that this isn't what I want right now.

Part of this could be immaturity, but I'm really not sure. I just never noticed this side of her when we dated. Maybe now because I'm more comfortable with her and saying what I want more, it's bringing out her true colors.

It's sad because we are a lot alike and I love her, but I don't think it would ever work again.

Anyone ever had something similar happen?

VADawg · Dec 11, 2007, 09:50 PM

I've posted about my situation before, and tonight we got even closer. We were holding hands and I ended up going in for the kiss. She didn't seem to mind and went with it. Then she told me that she was falling for me and she's never felt this way about a guy before.

I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to back off a little bit now to make her worried. Maybe this will make her ask for me back. Or is this not a good idea? Should I continue to just go for it?

Clough · Dec 11, 2007, 09:56 PM

Just an unsolicited suggestion to you here, would you please post the link or links to whatever you are referring to having asked previously on this site so that others can refer to the information on them so that they have some sort of background on what and why you are asking what you are on this, separate thread from the others. Thanks!

VADawg · Dec 11, 2007, 10:06 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...et-160662.html

talaniman · Dec 11, 2007, 10:09 PM

Hey Dawg, you have been pretty busy with this female I see. The only thing I don't see is where you talk and listen to each other, but seems you react together. In one post you don't even want a relationship, but then she hooks you with the myspace which seems how you know how she feels. I'll be watching to see what happens, and can only wish you luck for now.

VADawg · Dec 11, 2007, 10:17 PM

She was giving me kisses on the cheek all night and was basically hinting at wanting to be kissed. The other night she also said that she really wanted to kiss me. So I just went for it. That's the only reason I did it.

I know that it's probably not a good idea to have this type of relationship, but I just have a feeling she will ask for me back at some point. She told me she was falling for me and loves me more than any other guy she's known. I just don't see her forgetting all of that and moving on.

But I do think I'll back off a little bit just to see how she reacts. Maybe it will kick her in the and realize that I won't be waiting around for her anymore. And if not, then we'll see what happens.