[kepi]

I think sometimes, it is hard for a partner to understand that the other person has feelings and that sex is more than just a physical thing... *sigh*

[smoothy]

I have the same problem. My husband is boringly predictable about other things in life, too like food, clothing, vacations, television and other entertainment. He flatly refuses to give oral sex but prefers that I do it for him over genital sex, he acts like he's doing me a favor when he "has to" do the missionary position. Lately, the only way I get sex is if I say something snarky - THEN he responds. It's almost never his idea, I have to 'remind' him. He simply ignores my requests for changes or oral sex, doesn't say no, just ignores me. He behaves as if he loves me in other ways - touches me and kisses me often. But sex seems like an issue for him. In my estimation, he's selfish, because he can't get over himself to even try what I'd like. He prefers rear entry vaginal sex, which to me is rather impersonal, and doesn't provide the stimulation I need. I'm quite tempted to call an old boyfriend and get jiggy with him. It's very sad that someone I love, and who apparently loves me, is such a big zero in the bedroom, and stubborn about it to boot.

Ouch.. I feel for you. Have you tried to descretely guide him gradually to new and different stuff?

[quaint11]

Sex is in the mind also so go into his mind.

I believe so few realize this very important point. A satisfying relationship is a partnership of seeking to serve the other ahead of themselves.

Love-making is like music, and two bodies can create the perfect harmony.

[SPDRG68]

I have been married now for 9.5 years to a wonderful man. He is just absolutely horrid in bed. He's even a terrible kisser! I did not fall in love with him based on phyiscal performance or appearance. We used to have fairly good sex. I figured it was because we were new to each other and it would get better over time. I WAS WRONG. I have communicated my needs, bought a case full of those stupid toys, rented more porn than I have the stomach for (all you really ever need to rent is one.. it's ALL the same)... tried the body paint, blah blah blah. Not one thing seems to get through to him.

The only time he ever touches me is in the middle of the night... AFTER I fall asleep... he wakes me up.. um... "pushing" against me... 5 minutes later... done. He won't talk about the fact that anything even happened the next day.

I was sad for the longest time. I used to cry. Now.. I just sleep on the couch. Unless I have 5 minutes in the middle of the night to spare.

[SPDRG68]

i have noticed a lot of these threads with near enough the same title..my mans is a rubbish lover,my hubby is rubbish in bed, i have still to notice one that says "our" sexlife is dull.it takes two to tango,why is he the bad lover and not both of you? he may be thinking the exact same of you.
communicate,tell him how important it is and he will get the message, guide him and tell him what you want and how you want it, men are not mind readers and i believe they shouldnt take all the blame for a dull sex life which you are BOTH involved in.

Well, FWYB, I would say OUR sex life... if there was an OUR sex life. It really makes me cringe to read responses like yours that assume that we (women) have NOT already tried the stuff you suggested. I know I have. I have tried to the point that I am now in counselling for trauma I exposed myself to trying to make it "hot" for him. When I tell you that I have tried everything I can think of... trust me, it's the truth.

I have tried "spicing it up" for him... now I have to go see a shrink for the damage it did. I did exactly what he said he needed... to the point of my own destruction. NOW tell me I haven't done enough. When will he ever try as hard? I know now that he will not. I don't think about affairs, or leaving.. I made my vows and I will keep them. I never recall saying through good sex, bad sex and no sex. So, apparently it's not a reason to leave. He is faithful to me. He just can't open up and reach for me as a human being. I can't tell you the fights we have had that started just from me playing with him and trying to entice him. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of crying. The lack of good sex/bad sex isn't nearly as painful as the fighting.

I am happy and thankful that I have wonderful children, a nice home, comfortable life and the THINGS that seem to make some people happy... I just thought I would be sharing it with someone that LOVES/LOVED me.

I posted above.. but after reading that response (and several other VERY similar ones) I had to say more.

Guess I am done now...

[Rook]

Dear god would all you women please just read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

[P4trikk]

A few posts here have touched on the subject of communication, and yes when the subject of relationship improvement comes up its inevitable that it will- so often I think that it’s ignored. Please re think this. Although this is hard when the significant other isn’t willing to work on it, it can be done.

I’m in my second marriage with a woman about the same age (mid 30s) we both had terrible childhoods, traumatic teen years and disastrous first marriages. You name it – all the psychobabble and excuses for bad relationships goes here, things society tells you you are, because of _________ (your favorite dysfunction here), Its all bull.

I don’t talk openly about this marriage because most people would think me a liar or that I was doped up on happy valleys newest solution. I went into this relationship with the decision that it was going to work. Communication was harder than ever, especially as a man- we don’t want admit fault, weakness or emotion and we definitely don’t want to be wrong!

But the more I let go the easier it is and the better it gets- I’m out of time and your probably sick of me by now but in short there are very few argument and the sex life is beyond imagination.

I hate to say it because its so cliché but it did start with comunication.

[asking]

Although [communication] is hard when the significant other isn’t willing to work on it, it can be done.

...[discussion of great second marriage and great sex all due to communication]...

I hate to say it because its so cliché but it did start with comunication.

One important part of the cliché is that it takes two to communicate and if one person doesn't want to, you can't force it. I find it heartbreaking to read about people who have tried so hard to draw their spouses into an intimate relationship and utterly failed because the spouse just locks them out. I wouldn't presume to tell them what to do, because I'm not convinced there's anything they can do. If the guy doesn't want a change in the relationship, whether it involves sex or not, it's not going to happen. It sounds like these guys don't want anything to change. My sympathies. ~asking

[Marriedguy]

To say that your husband has never made love to you is crazy. When you say never you actually mean he does not make love to me often? Say it isn't so! I'm new school so I don't believe in waiting to have sex until married because this how the above situation happens.

Love making is skill that can be learned. Your husband has to be taught and for someone be taught they have to want to learn. If you husband thinks like most us guys there is not difference between making love and having sex. If he does not want to learn then there is nothing you can do.

Good news is making love = more orgasms. What guy does not want his woman to have more orgasms?

How do you teach him? Easy! Do you kiss? If he you don't find out why. Do you have bad breath or does he have bad breath? Personally, I don't like kissing right after my wife brushes her teeth. I don't like the taste of the tooth paste. I won't allow this to stop the kissing because its about her. You are in control of this session. You want him to move to you neck push his head down he will get the idea. You want his hands in a certain area place his hands there. After a couple of sessions he will love the way he makes you feels and he will start his own sessions.

Ladies keep in mind your husband does not need a lot of foreplay to be aroused... during all the foreplay your husband will probably have an erection. Keeping an erection 30 minutes plus and then intercourse takes stamina. So he make come up short. Another reason why some guys avoid foreplay sessions.

[KravJeff]

fifty percent of all aspects of love making is ninety percent mental.

Uhhhh... Is that anything like "Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
-Jim Wohford

[simoneaugie]

I don't think sex is 90% mental for everyone. It's a body response. Of course there are mental elements to it, but why do some guys who have responded here describe physical direction? Maybe, if words aren't working, try another mode of communication.

The "good guys" get off on a woman having multiple, or many orgasms. Some guys have simply given up because of repeated failure. And then, there are some men who don't give a rat's hind end if the woman enjoys it at all. These guys don't have a clue and don't want one. Wouldn't it be convenient if it was tattooed on their foreheads. Hmmm, what would the tattoo say?

I wanted to clarify my own assumptions too, when women say "make love" they are generally referring to warmth, intimacy and an orgasm. When women say "sex is boring" that usually means that they are not having orgasms and feel used. Boring often denotes painful as well. As I've said before, if he can't bring you to orgasm with his pants on, he shouldn't take them off.

[4GodSakeNoName]

This is an old discussion, but I just found it because I googled "husband terrible in bed." It is a sad discussion, and one that I know well. I do not believe there is any solution. Those women who have not experienced a husband who is a terrible physical lover cannot understand. And most men probably won't understand at all because they want to play "macho" and either pretend that they are WONDERFUL or that it's never the man's fault. As some of the other woman said, I have tried it all. I have been married over three decades. I married right out of college and was basically inexperienced sexually, which was not uncommon in those days and those times. My husband was NOT inexperienced. He "introduced" me to some of what he wanted done via pornography. And, like a good wife, I did my best to comply. Neither of us is ignorant. We both have doctorate degrees. I am quite literate, and so is he. But the man has NEVER found my clitoris in over three decades. Never. Not once. At some point, one simply gives up trying, and I'm years past that point. I'm not unattractive, and never was, but my husband almost never kisses me. By "almost never," I mean, for years and years. Intercourse without any kissing is pretty much the norm, and the irony is that, typical of most women who were virgins until not long before they married, what I had the most "experience" in during my high school and college days of dating was "kissing and making out." It's as if I got married, and all the kissing and caressing and being held ended, almost as soon as the intercourse began.

Now, I am post menopausal, and I deal with a man who pretends not to comprehend what is happening when he enters me when I am not aroused, and I am never aroused when he enters me. Not many woman become aroused simply because the man next to her has an erection and "wants to put it in." He is so ghastly in bed that one side of my brain tells me that it must be intentional cruelty and absolute hate. At the same time, in other situations, he can be extremely kind, and he has been an excellent provider to our children. Am I non-orgasmic? No. I am able to have an orgasm just fine by myself in the shower. An orgasm as a result of his assaults? No. One might describe the sexual encounters more like rapes that I simply do not fight off, but rather accept at a part of my life.

Before readins several of the above comments, I thought I was completely alone. My husband is beyond change, but it is nice to know that I am not alone.