[allswell]

?

[aiyerrc]

Hi. My bf and I have been broken up for exactly one week. Long short short, we were blissfully happy (really) for almost a year. Then, out of the blue, his ex who broke his heart 6 years ago came back. And, without as much as talking reconciliation with her (I believe him), he left me because he felt like he needed to give another try. Whatever. I am doing fine. I have nerves of steel and the queen of NC so no problem there.

Yesterday, I received a package from his mother. It was sent FedEx overnight--mailed 3 days after the breakup. In it, several items--dvd, music, etc.--she sent me because we had talked about them and she thought I'd like it. THIS IS NOT AN XMAS GIFT. In her card, she said I could keep them for as long as I wanted and that it was great having me over for Thanksgiving. No mention of the breakup at all.

Now, he told me he was going to tell them because the day we split, we were supposed to spend the day with his parents because the following day, he was going off to a war zone. (For work, a month, not military duty.) I guess he didn't tell them since he knew he was going to get flak and didn't want to deal before such a huge trip.

What is going on here, do you think? And how do I handle this gracefully? I love his parents, and don't want to seem rude by not acknowledging this gesture, but don't feel comfortable contacting his family without his knowledge. And no, contacting him via email asking what's up is NOT an option.

Oh, I have some other stuff she lent me over the course of our relationship. The plan was that I'd leave the items in a bag where my ex could access it (at work) and take it back to her when he returns from war.

Any suggestions?

I would send her a thank you reply, because if he catches wind of it, it will make him think of you and make him wonder why you are still so comfortable talking to his mom and that the breakup didn't even really phase you.. I would leave this guy in the dust though.. hes not worth it if he will leave you that easily for that fickle of a reason

[kp2171]

My daughter dated a boy we liked a lot in HS. Good guy, good character. Liked his parents. Sad when she broke it off. And it was a hard cut... one day there, next gone.

Well... a few years later, now in college, they date again. This time we tell her flat out that he is a friend of the family, and unless he does something awful to you, he's not just going away for good this time. So they dated, had a bad breakup... but he's still a friend of the family. We don't see him as often, but he is welcome. He isn't some commodity that can be traded. We genuinely like this man. And our daughter knows this and is OK. Everyone tries to be respectful.

Likewise, I dated a girl for 7 years, and when it ended (badly) I didn't miss her as much as her father. Wed not been best buddies, but he treated me well, and in hindsight I wish id taken the leap and tried to connect to him.

So she might be honestly doing the same thing. I think she thinks highly of you... and even if her beloved son changes his mind, that doesn't mean her relationship with you has to completely be trashed. If anything, I think it might show great respect and caring for you... now... if she doesn't know about the breakup, maybe it doesn't happen.

Unless you think you just cannot return the kindness cause its too tough, id try to keep the relationship if it means that much to you. You might be surprised.

If you think she doesn't know, you can always try to drop her a note explaining how you feel. Or even if she knows you can. The only thing id say is that its never good to burn bridges when the cut is raw... and if you decide to keep in contact you probably need to have perspective.

Most of the time you need to be without contact to your ex... and she is obviously an indirect form of contact... so it can mess you up, strain his relationship with her, and place you unfairly in a position of being the clingy manipulator in his mind.

Sooo... now that I've muddled things up...
Why don't you tell me something...

Lets pretend he never dates you again, because you cannot assume he will... what do you want where she is concerned long term? Is she someone you'd like to keep in contact with or not... even if he never dates you again?