[ozcricket]

I hope someone can help; I'm going out of my mind!

I met a girl 4 years ago who was on the rebound from a relationship with the love of her life. After an off/on start we eventually got it together and after a year moved in together.

After a couple of months I had some big pressures at works, feelings of failure of not living up to her previous boyfriend and had psychogenic erectile dysfunction. She became quite down about it, and to preserve my stud reputation I began to take viagra. This solved the erection problem, massively increased my confidence in performance, but made me quite stressed about covertly having a pill before sex. In the meantime, she began to refuse sex more and more. We got engaged 18 months ago last Easter

We get on really well- we have the same interests, share friends and generally are great friends. However, she is becoming progressively less interested in sex as time goes by- once a month is lucky these days. We both have stressful jobs and our moods are both swinging wildly (worse after alcohol). Refusal hurts and I am starting to ask less and less; she never asks.

I love her and want to make this work, but the lack of sexual contact is driving me crazy. Should I back off, get a relationship therapist involved, go to a doctor, or just finish it before we are both too damaged by what is becoming a toxic relationship

Thanks

G

[450donn]

First a candid conversation with her is in order. That is if you really lover her and want to make things work? Try and find out what is going on in her life that causing the problem, and be sure to let her know what in your life is wrong. Stress at work is an excuse. If you have a job that stressful, maybe its time to find another job.

[Suelle383]

I can only speak from my own experience but many years ago I dated a guy for about 3 years. During the last six months of our relationship I saw that we were leading down the marriage path and I freaked out, I realized this was not something I was interested in, started realizing I had to be my own for a bit to grow. Once I started feeling like this, I stopped having sex with him... I just had no desire for him. He was my best friend in the world though so I didn't break up with him at first. After months of little to no sex, he finally brought it up and we finally broke up... it hurt both of us but it was absolutely the right thing to do. And guess what, we still talk every so often, and he's doing awesome with his new WIFE and I have a new boyfriend. Talk to her about it, but don't pressure her. See if she'll open up and tell you what's bothering her. Don't focus so much on the "sex" part. That's usually just a symptom of some other underlying problem.

[ozcricket]

We've had a few in-depth talks about this. She claims that she loves me and still finds me sexually attractive but her libido is zero. She says that she has very low self esteem as the job she does isn't making her happy, and since we moved in her circle of friends is shrinking.

Problem is she won't change job as financial security is very important to her, and we can't move at the moment. She has been advised not to investigate this sub-clinical depression with the doctor as it may go on her permanent record and cause future employment and health insurance problems.

So if nothing can change, should this just drag on as we are both really happy with each other and want to make it work. She's had a number of opportunities to walk out and never has.

Thanks

G

[Fr_Chuck]

Just like you had no drive and had to use the little blue pill, women can go though changes, emtional, hormone, and job stress that takes their sex drive down to zero. Next there is never anything wrong with going to a marriage couselor, I have been dozens of times, healthy people with great relationships should go, it makes them better. If she has dreprssion issues, not getting them seen about is dangerous, taking care of you, here and now is what is important.

[kp2171]

Emotional depression and stress of the work can absolutely kill libido. My wife and I have, I think, a great and healthy marriage... but we had two rough patches concerning sex and libido...

The first was after I had quit a job, the new job I was to be working fell through at the last moment, money was tight, and we had a new baby. I got stressed like mad and didn't keep my head about me... became depressed, didn't talk about it, sex drive tanked. Everything became better when I opened up and we started finding ways to restructure our budget and a few other changes.

Second time was after my wife had an extended illness followed by an increase in work pressure. She was physically beat up and just did not have any desire for sex. Again, she restructured her work and in time it all worked out.

Best you can do is kindly talk to her about it. Sexual compatibility is not something to be ingnored... you need to at least feel there is some common ground. You aren't interested in being a roommate... you want a mate.

Also, try some "get away" time... I'm married, have a kid, wife's job can be unpredictably busy with travel... we have to work to make time, sometimes. We have a night out, all night, once a quarter... kid stays with someone, usually dinner and a hotel room for us... maybe music at the local blues bar if anything is good, maybe a movie, maybe just sitting by the lake with a bottle of champagne and taking a breath.

It makes all the difference.

Yes, we have sex, but its more about the reconnecting... a feeling of sensual connecting can lead to or increase any sexual connection.

So be willing to do some work. Be willing to take some initiative. It might not be your nature, but sometimes one partner needs to drive, and be willing to get turned down. Sometimes you do some work, like a night out or a massage or whatever, just to build those connections again, without any expectation.

Point is, it takes a little work... and with the right mindset, it really isn't so hard... its just hard sometimes to mentally change how you are thinking.

Make her feel like she's being pursued, not just in the bedroom. If you do the work, make an honest effort, talk to her, and there is still no acceptable change, well... then I think you have a serious concern that should be addressed before you marry... or that, if you marry, you don't get to whine about it.

[talaniman]

A doctor and a counselor, may be needed to address your issues, as sexual dysfuntion can occur from stress, medical ressons, or unresolved past issues. Get your wife the help she needs.

[s_cianci]

I vote for the "finish it" option. Sorry to say, but at your stage a lack of interest in sex usually means a loss of interest in you.