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 Originally Posted by bluerose
And about the priacy thing, I swear Bluerose, I try, but... ;) |
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*Bluerose, grinning from ear to ear, tips magprob the wink that she understands, then goes off to find fun stuff to keep everyone smiling*
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New Competition for Virgin Airlines: Slut Airlines NEW YORK — A new airline has entered the highly competitive travel industry this week. Super Luxury Utopian Transport or SLUT airlines as it's referred to in the company brochures, says it is offering a unique service to the weary traveler. Airline spokesman, Chester Gropenfeel, says the fledgling airline will be offering many amenities that the other airlines do not offer. "Take check-in for example," said Gropenfeel. "Instead of all those impersonal x-ray machines and waving wands, all our customers will be personally hand searched by a bevy of beautiful models, and all our seats transform into private beds where our world class beautiful stewardesses will be offering memberships in our special ‘Mile High Club’." Gropenfeel also said that the airline will be very competitive in pricing. "We've been able to keep costs down by doing away with what we call in the airline business ‘frills and extras’, things like maintenance and a bunch of fancy doodads up front like radar and such." Gropenfeel concluded by reciting the company motto "Why fly a Virgin when you can take a ride on a Slut.” |
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https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/attach...1&d=1196736402
Dr. Phil Offers to Cure Rosie's "Lesbian Rage" NEW YORK — Talk show host Rosie O'Donnell is suffering from a psychological condition known as Lesbian Rage, according to TV guru Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil recently told a studio audience that he had successfully treated many women with Rosie's ailment. According to Dr. Phil, Lesbian Rage occurs mostly in lesbians who also suffer from the "Chugly Syndrome." "Chugly," Dr. Phil said, "refers to the ones who are a little chunky and a little ugly – chigly. And they can get a bit edgy and even angry, which leads to the kind of Lesbian Rage that Rosie is displaying. Hot lesbians almost never have rage issues." In cases like Rosie's, Dr. Phil said he usually prescribes the "man-o-cure." The hard part is finding a man willing to perform the cure. "What Rosie really needs," Dr. Phil said, "is one night with a man like ol' Dr. Phil – Dr. Phil Good. You know what I'm sayin'? That would take the edge off and free America from her constant harangues. But I ain't doin' it for nothin'. I want one million dollars and a paper bag. The choice is yours folks. You send in your contributions, and when they total a million bucks I'll take care of business." Ms. O'Donnell, who is currently filming a sequel to her hit documentary All Aboard: Rosie's Lesbian Cruise called All Aboard II: Rosie's Lesbian Trip to the Zoo, could not be reached for comment. |
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https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/attach...1&d=1196736794
Yoko Ono Appointed Spokesperson for New Chemical Castration Drug NEW YORK — Yoko Ono has been appointed spokesperson for a new chemical castration drug, tentatively called “Chop-Chop.” It has just been approved by the FDA after a lengthy delay. It seems laboratory rats wanted nothing to do with her because she was always in the way during recording sessions. “Let me tell you,” said Ms. Ono, speaking from her Chalet in Switzerland. “I know a thing or two about robbing males of their manhood. We considered calling the drug, ‘Balls-Be-Gone,’ but that’s the beauty of this drug. It leaves you with your balls intact. That’s why I was approached in the first place. With my help, we get in there and totally screw things around – from the INSIDE! In essence, you’re firing blanks. We just wish that OTHER had been firing blanks. “I was a mere novice when I castrated John. If he were here now, he’d still have his balls. Lucky for me, I still have his millions. By the way, I’m still selling lithographs of his pathetic doodles for five thousand bucks a shot. Just call my office and place your order today. It’s in the interest of world peace... John would have wanted it that way. “Potential side-effects are minimal, at best (and I don’t mean Pete), but watch out for the following symptoms: - Any surviving Beatles may tend to hate your guts - Your first-born son may start up a web site and accuse you of being a ‘Lost Soul’ - Uncontrollable urge to purchase John Lennon paraphernalia, including, but not limited to: CD’s, books, posters, etc. (all sales are final and all profits go to Yoko Ono Enterprises, Inc.) “So, what are you waiting for? Now, you can have casual sex with glorified groupies, such as myself, without fear of consequences or messy entanglements. Oh, and did I mention I still have John Lennon lithographs for sale? Peace.” |
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Former Bush Family Pet Announces Presidential Run
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former Bush family pet, Barney, has announced that he will run for President as an independent candidate in 2008. Barney, who resigned from his post as Presidential dog earlier this year, is upbeat about his prospects for success. “Barney is eager to run," says a close adviser. "In fact, Barney is always eager to run. It's his canine nature. Throw a stick and Barney will scramble after it without hesitation. He and President Bush share that instinct, although Barney is bright enough to return with the stick. President Bush gets confused and just stands there until the Secret Service brings him back home to Laura." Explains professional dog walker and close personal friend, Betty Donaldson, "Barney has a few bones to pick with the Bush Administration. That's because Barney follows some simple rules in his life. Never pee in anyone's flowerbed. Engage in battle only when your doggie dish or territory is directly threatened. Never foul your own nest. Barney feels that President Bush has disregarded these rules by idiotically invading Iraq, ignoring global warming, appointing crooked, inept cronies to important jobs, and implementing a wide range of other destructive policies. Also, President Bush eats from the table, which disturbs Barney. He was taught never to do that." Adds former Barney trainer, James Nelson, "Barney believes that George Bush should be whapped repeatedly on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper. While I would never endorse such negative training methods, I can kind of see Barney's point in this case." Supporters have rallied to Barney's cause. "Remember that maverick image John McCain used to have?" asks Barney campaign worker James Bennett of Fort Hood, Indiana. "You know, before McCain started sucking up to the religious right and betraying the independent ideals he supposedly represents? Barney is the real thing. He's never run with the political pack. You might even call him a lone wolf. I admire that." PETA President, Ingrid Newkirk, elaborates, "I think that being a dog gives Barney a unique perspective on human activity. Dogs don't torture each other, or lie, or pretend to forget things when called up before Congressional committees. I mean, find me a dog who isn't a better person than Alberto Gonzales. Barney can see that we're really messing up in the dominant species department. My guess is that he's realized primates just aren't fit for the job. We've had a good run, if you ignore the fact that we're in the midst of destroying our own planet. Well, hey, everybody makes mistakes sometimes, you know? Me, I think it might be a good moment for us to step aside and give another species a shot." Film critic Roger Ebert believes that Barney's positive attitude towards public service was heavily influenced by American cinema. "Barney grew up watching old Rin Tin Tin, Lassie and Benji films. He saw that dogs could really help people out of serious problems, like being tied to train tracks or trapped in deep wells. He also learned that humans aren't always particularly bright. I think watching these heroic dogs formed Barney's character. Running for President - a position that once meant trying to help average Americans rather than screwing them - is a reflection of those core beliefs." Long-time Republican political operatives disagree. "I don't think this is a genuine campaign at all," says one anonymous White House advisor. "I believe Barney is sniffing around for a political appointment, or maybe even for the Vice-Presidency. I mean, let's get serious. He's a dog. Granted, we were able to convince people that George Bush is competent, at least long enough to get him into office twice, which was frankly a miracle. But even sophisticated political spinning won't get a yapping dog elected president. Maybe Vice President, but not President." Political analyst Howard Fineman disagrees. "I've been pointing out for a while that this election cycle is tailor-made for a strong independent candidate. Barney fits the collar. He's a far better attack dog than any of the Republican candidates, who may behave as if they plan to bite you in the leg but are unlikely to do so. Plus, as a dog of color, he brings far more diversity to the table than even the Democratic candidates do. I think we're all going to be a bit surprised by what a Barney candidacy unleashes." |
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Private Post keep Out Eater!
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Yea! You dumb ole Eater! Keep out!
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No... I don't take authority very well...
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What in the hell are you talking about? You hitting the sauce again?
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Mag, I have no idea what you are talking about... maybe you are!
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I do have to say though... you have been on a long post binge... I almost feel a push to read it all... Gosh..
EDIT::::::::::::::::: NAW I will just eat em' |
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Well awright then. There's napkins in the drawer and plastic forks in the shelf and catsup and mustard in the fridge.
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No condiments please... unless you have any Grey Poupon! LOL Go away I was getting some alone time and then...
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You talkin' to ME?. You talkin' to ME??
Grrrr... I don't awant anything you can sell for Christmas anyway... Love, peace and happiness... you should have known that... ding dong! |
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Brat!
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Bulley!
You only pick on the nice brats... I see it in your eyes, and I have been working on my real scary stare so just watch out... Grrrrrrr:) |
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