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bigbird213 · Dec 2, 2007, 04:32 PM

Hi All,

I have posted on this before, but I'm looking for some more advice.

The background is this:

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 and a half years now, with about a 6 month period when we weren't together. At the beginning of this summer, she suspected that one of my friends liked me. The problem is this: she one of my best friend's girl friend. I can understand her suspicions as the girl was texting me almost every day, sometimes more than once, and would leave messages for me online using 'flirty' talk like making up stupid (maybe you can say cute) nicknames. In any case, I told my friend that it made my girlfriend uncomfortable, which she didn't understand, but nonetheless I put an end to it.

Before it was totally over, my girlfriend convinced me to call this girl and confront her about it. She said she didn't like me, never had, etc, etc, just as I knew. I told my girlfriend, but in the process some bad blood formed between the two. To make it short, my girlfriend has stated over and over how much she "hates" this person and would like to do things to her, which I consequently told her I don't want to hear about and if she starts, I'm ending the conversation.

In any case, the problems now arise when I want to see my friends. A major problem is that this girls house is one of the major "hangout" spots for my friends and I. My girlfriend doesn't like this and it really puts me in a bind between my friends and my girlfriend.

One last recent development is this new years. There is going to be a get-together at my friends house, and she made it a point to invite me and my girlfriend, and even promised to be amicable. I told my girlfriend, and she flat out rejected it saying "no way in hell"

My final question is this:

How do you deal with it when your significant other hates your friends? It is so stressful and I don't know what to do sometimes. I hate to think about it, and it really sucks that I'm not looking forward to my vacation from school because I'm afraid of all the drama that ill have to deal with between the fighting and everything else.

Any suggestions?

Thank you

Wondergirl · Dec 2, 2007, 04:44 PM

Drama? I don't blame your girlfriend for wanted to avoid any contact with that girl. It isn't your friends your girlfriend has trouble with; it's that girl.

Can you find another place for the party--or will that girl be wherever everyone else is?

Is there a party elsewhere (with other friends) that you two can attend?

little firefly · Dec 2, 2007, 05:08 PM

Drama? I don't blame your girlfriend for wanted to avoid any contact with that girl. It isn't your friends your girlfriend has trouble with; it's that girl.

Can you find another place for the party--or will that girl be wherever everyone else is?

Is there a party elsewhere (with other friends) that you two can attend?

I totally agree. I get the feeling that your girlfriend has every right to feel threatened by this girl.

I was in the same situation with my ex boyfriend. He had a best friend who was female. He told me that he felt nothing but friendship for her but she would constantly text him and act toward him in a away that made me uncomfortable. One time in particular that stands out is when his car had broken down and he needed a way to work. I called him to tell him I would pick him up, but he was like "oh thats ok. Misty's on her way here now. She wants us to go to lunch before i go to work". I was very hurt by that and when I let him know that I was upset he got irritated at me for being jealous.

Well, to make a really long story short, less than one month after he and I broke up, she admitted to my ex boyfriend that she had always had feelings for him. Suddenly he saw her in a new light and they started seeing each other.

Just be careful to not do anything to make your girlfriend feel threatened. Make sure that everyone knows that she holds the number one spot in your life and your heart.

uhhleesha · Dec 2, 2007, 05:15 PM

I think she's making a big deal over nothing, especially if she's dating your best friend. Tell her that she shouldn't feel threatened because she's dating your best friend, and that you're not interested. They need to talk this out and not be so caddy.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 2, 2007, 07:47 PM

I think your girlfriend is being childish. You two have been dating for over 3 years. She has you, you are not interested in this girl. Sounds to me like she has an obsession almost. What did this girl do that caused so much bad blood?

talaniman · Dec 2, 2007, 08:14 PM

If your having all this drama after 3 years, something is not right here. Keep the females separate, and make a choice, friends or girlfriend. Your g/f is immature and hates your friends' g/f, and they may never see eye to eye. Best to party with your friends without her, and if she continues with the drama, she may be trying to isolate you from your friends, because she knows the other girl will be around and she is not. Not a healthy position to be in. Let her know how this whole thing makes you feel and let her know her jealousy is unfounded. She should be mature enough to know how she makes you feel, but obviously doesn't. You must make her understand in a calm loving way. Good luck!! You will need it.

bigbird213 · Dec 2, 2007, 08:49 PM

Thanks for all the input guys,

My gut feeling is to agree with the last three responses, I get the feeling that the first two responders are on the young side (no offense intended).

The bad blood was caused by a phone call which occurred between the two. My girlfriend was threatening to call her and to cause problems, and when it came to the phone call, I was on the other side. I was with my best friend, who was with his girlfriend, when they had a phone call. I did not interfere because at the time I was angry with my girlfriend and sort of thought she had it coming, though I regret this now. I wish I had interfered.

In any case my girlfriend, who is very non-confrontational, ended up being yelled at for quite some time I understand, and here I am.

Its really a tough situation because I don't want to choose my friends and lose my girlfriend, and I don't want to choose my girlfriend and lose my friends. Its to the point that I must ALWAYS compromise, and no one is ever 100% happy... My girlfriend likes to think that I don't have the gut to stand up to my friends, and I'm just a follower, and my friends think likewise of my girlfriend

Jeez this sucks

Thanks for the responses.

P.S - In response to one of the posts, I have a fairly small group of friends. I generally hang out with the same 5 or 6 people routinely, and she is generally there. This girl and I were fairly good friends, though only through my friend who dates her. Recently I have hardly talked ot her, avoided her almost, and I believe she knows it. That causes the annoyance with me, which spreads through the friends. I feel like the rope in a tug of war

little firefly · Dec 2, 2007, 09:04 PM

My gut feeling is to agree with the last three responses, I get the feeling that the first two responders are on the young side (no offense intended).

No offense taken, but just to clarify, I'm 37. I just know that having been in that kind of situation more than once (not only with my ex boyfriend but with my ex husband as well, who had an affair with my best friend) sometimes a woman can just get a vibe from certain other females that causes them feel insecure and threatened in a way. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do. I know this is a difficult situation for you.

bigbird213 · Dec 3, 2007, 01:27 PM

Originally Posted by little firefly

No offense taken, but just to clarify, i'm 37. I just know that having been in that kind of situation more than once (not only with my ex bf but with my ex husband as well, who had an affair with my best friend) sometimes a woman can just get a vibe from certain other females that causes them feel insecure and threatened in a way. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do. I know this is a difficult situation for you.

Well I guess I was wrong, sorry about that. Maybe its just me being too unsure to make a decision. I guess I'll never understand what goes on in a woman's head, but that's another discussion.

What hurts me the most about it is that it feels to me like she isn't trusting me. I would understand if I had cheated on her in the past, or cheated on anyone in the past, but I haven't.

I wish she was more secure about it and not so threatened...

Thanks again for the info

talaniman · Dec 3, 2007, 01:51 PM

You sound like a good caring guy, and you may be putting too much pressure on yourself to be the great fixer so everyone can be happy. STOP!! It really sounds like her problems are her own to deal with, and you can't do it for her no matter how deep your feelings go. Sometimes we can do our best and still change nothing.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 3, 2007, 01:55 PM

Sounds to me like she is being a bit immature. Don't be so hard on yourself.

BMI · Dec 3, 2007, 02:02 PM

I think your girl is acting like any girl would, that's not to say its right. I understand how you must feel, not being trusted. Maybe you should tell her that you have given her no reason to not trust you andthat after 3 1/2 years she should know you to be of better character than that, tell her it bothers you.

I'm sure she will never be this girls best friend but perhaps she will see that her actions are unfair,hopefully. I had never met my last girls man before me and to this day I hate him, its normal but needs correcting.

Hope it helps:)

sammi01 · Dec 3, 2007, 03:44 PM

U need to sit down and talk about it I had a problem with my boyfriend like this one of his mates wasn't purposly trying to cause trouble he was just having a laugh saying things to me like he's been chattin up other girls and that I no he wasn't but I didn't like it and he wouldn't stop so now I can't be around him and there's a girl who likes my boyfriend but I no he's not intrested in her and she hates me because I've got him so we talked about it an came to an agreement that on the night during the week he goes out with these people but when I'm with him he stays away from them your girlfriend can't expect you to give up your mates for her if she trusts you ,you can come to the same agreement its worked for us I don't get stressed because of the comments and he don't get stressed from me being stressed

little firefly · Dec 3, 2007, 05:21 PM

Well I guess I was wrong, sorry about that. Maybe its just me being too unsure to make a decision. I guess I'll never understand what goes on in a woman's head, but that's another discussion.

What hurts me the most about it is that it feels to me like she isn't trusting me. I would understand if I had cheated on her in the past, or cheated on anyone in the past, but I haven't.

I wish she was more secure about it and not so threatened...

Thanks again for the info

Hey, it's all good, no need to apologize. :) I wish I could give you some insight into what goes on in women's heads, but unfortunately we can be pretty complex. :p

I just know that in my situation with my ex husband, the woman he had the affair with was both mine and my ex hubbys best friend. I had never had any problem with the two of them hanging out alone together or talking on the phone, etc. but somewhere along the way they developed feelings for each other, and started fooling around. This caused me so much hurt, and myself esteem took a nosedive. Unfortunately, my insecurity and low opinion of myself carried over into the relationship with my now ex boyfriend.

It's possible that something or someone (maybe from her past), has made her have a negative opinion of herself. She may see this other girl as being more attractive or more fun to be around than she is. It dosen't necessarily mean that your girlfriend is immature, it just means that she's insecure about her self worth and about how you feel about her. From what I've read you really do seem to care for your girlfriend. I agree with Sammi. Try sitting her down and having a talk with her about how she feels. It may or may not work, but it's always worth a try.

I know that as far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to enter into any new relationship until I'm able to feel good about myself again, and do away with all of my insecurities. I wouldn't want to put a relationship through that kind of strain again. I wish you the best. :)