[IowaGuy]

Hi, 1st time poster to this site...

My 15 year old son lives with his mother and step-father 2 hours north of me in rural Iowa. He lives in a good home with 2 very nice people. He is happy and does well in school.

He has been asking about the possibility of moving in with me and my wife to finish out his schooling.

My son and I talked to his mother about trying 1 semester at my house to see test the waters, she'd still get the child support, nothing legal would take place. This way if he has a change of heart, the only thing that would need to be done is changing schools again. If after 1 semester he wants to make it permanent we can make it legal. His mother is venomously against this and says she will fight it till the bitter end.

I don't want to put my son in the middle of a war. But he still continues to ask about living with me.

Any advice?

[ScottGem]

If the mom is vehmently against it, then there is no way to avoid a battle. Before I would start such a battle, I'd have a long talk with your son. If he is in a good home with nice people, then why does he want to change. I suspect there is something else behind this. A 15 yr old is not likely to want to uproot, leave friends etc. So you need to determine what's really behind the request.

Once you do, you can decide how to proceed. It may be an issue that the mom needs to take a more proactive role in dealing with what's bothering your son. Or it may be that a change of scenery is what's needed.

But, be prepared, if you pursue it, you will find yourself in a court battle. You will need to consult an attorney before filing for a change in custody.

But, again, you need to find the real reason and that may mean having your son see a counselor.

[IowaGuy]

My wife and I talked to him about why the change, there were some things he wasn't happy about.

a. His school was consolidating with a rival school.
b. He worked all summer on a farm detasseling corn and other farm work to earn car insurance money and gas for the car we rebuilt. His mom told him that he would not be allowed to drive this year. His bus ride is 30 minutes in the morning and 60 minutes in the afternoon. He wasn't pleased.

His 1st semester is almost over at his school and he is well adjusted with the new students.
His friend is able to drive to school and picks my son up, so the 2 issues of his sound like they are resolved.

He called me last night asking again what are his chances.

He told me that he likes everyone there, loves his family, but really misses me and his 2 year old sister that my new wife and I have.

[ScottGem]

Well it sounds like he's mostly upset at mom for not letting him drive after he spent the summer earning money so he could. You might tell him you support his mother's decision and even if he comes to live with you, he still won't be able to drive until he's at least 16.

I would sit down with him at his next visit and explain to him what will happen, the fighting, the bitterness, etc, if you pursue a change in Custody. I would talk to an attorney first to get an idea of your chances.

If he still wants to go through with it, then I'm not sure you have a choice if you want to maintain your relationship with him.

[cjonline]

I so agree with Scott on this.

The fastest way to determine if its just the 'rules' at moms house or if its something else you don't know about it to maintain the same rules at your house, or at least tell him they will be the same.

Talk to an attorney then talk to your son. Lay it all out, he is old enough to hear it. Tell him everything. Make sure he knows the odds of getting this, maybe there is only a 20% shot of it not 50%, just make sure he knows so he doesn't get his hopes up to high. If he still wants to live with you then fight for it. That's all any of us can do for our children.

[IowaGuy]

Thanks for your advice. Its much appreciated!

[JudyKayTee]

Well it sounds like he's mostly upset at mom for not letting him drive after he spent the summer earning money so he could. You might tell him you support his mother's decision and even if he comes to live with you, he still won't be able to drive until he's at least 16.

I would sit down with him at his next visit and explain to him what will happen, the fighting, the bitterness, etc, if you pursue a change in Custody. I would talk to an attorney first to get an idea of your chances.

If he still wants to go through with it, then I'm not sure you have a choice if you want to maintain your relationship with him.

I agree with Scott and would also add the provision that whatever he decides is permanent - no bouncing back when he gets unhappy with your rules and wants to go back with his Mom.

How does your wife feel about it?

[IowaGuy]

My wife would like to see my son live with us. Our 2 year old adores her big brother and he is a great help with her. She knows how much I would love my son living with us and supports it.

I do have similar rules at my house, as him mother does at hers. If he loses, say computer privileges at her place and it carry's over to my weekend, he loses it with me. We do work well together to keep things uniform between households.

I don't think it's a case of going where to better, I think, maybe hope, its cause he is a 15 year old boy who needs his dad. :)

[ScottGem]

You know your son better than we do. But you also know your ex better than we do.

[IowaGuy]

I thought that if a child is at a certain age, he could make his/her own descion. All it would take was going to a judge. I didn't think it would be a full custody battle.

[JudyKayTee]

I thought that if a child is at a certain age, he could make his/her own descion. All it would take was going to a judge. I didn't think it would be a full custody battle.

The Judge will take into consideration what your son says but your son will not be able to make the total decision - a lot depends on what your X has to say.

Your wife sounds wonderful. Not all step parents are that accepting.

And maybe you said it best - your son needs his Dad.

Good luck.