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crossimgover · Nov 19, 2007, 11:07 PM

I have been Married for three years. I have just attained my degree a few months back. At that time my husband and I decided to move a foreign country as there was a new opening position at his job. Of course I moved in with him after the completion of my studies thinking that I can easily find a job there specially in my career (PR and adv.) and to my surprise I found out that we were staying in a very small rural island with no marketing agencies or English based company that needs a PR personal and so I was left unemployed. My husband says that he did not know about this marketing limitation either and I choose to believe him.

Anyway the problem is, other than the fact of me being so bored ( we have no children) and very few friends due to the language barrier, is that I have always dream t of being an independent woman who has a career and a future. And now I am just sitting at home, trying my best to make use of my time by socializing, going to the gym, reading and watching movies. But it doesn't help... I want to start my career.
I am very uncomfortable with being financially dependent on him, the Idea of getting a monthly allowance from him or asking him for more money in case I ran out of it ( grosser why and personal shopping).

And he doesn't make it easier on me either as he is a bit tight on money despite us being financially comfortable and I knew that before marrying him, but I didn't mind as I assumed that I would be working myself and I wouldn't need to be asking him or anyone else for a penny.

Other than the money issue, is the fact that he does not seem to comprehend what I am going through. He never ever asks me to go out after he comes from work, its always me who have to drag him for just a walk in town, or going for movies on weekends.

I believe in communication in marriage, and I have fully explained how I feel and he apologized several times saying he will work on it, however after a few days it seems that all we talked about is soon forgotten and everything goes back to the way it was. I am not sure what else to do

I love my husband but I am not sure how much more can I go..

Please help!

Greg Quinn · Nov 20, 2007, 02:12 AM

I would hope that you can make it more clear to him and have him understand the seriousness of your concerns. A mistake was made, he should be handling the problem head on. He should be putting you ahead of his career location, and you need to make sure that you are not going to sit there for a year or two falling further and further into a terrible depression. You have to really explain that you are unable to live your life in this place and he needs to find a solution now. I know he is your hubby, but you have dreams and goals that you worked hard for. If he does not make the effort, I would assume that you have been duped! And that would be a very sick thing to do to someone. So give him the heavy" as they say and see where it goes. It really may come down to an ultimatum Good luck... And spend more time on help desk until things get better... Most of us speak English and may help keep your sanity.

crossimgover · Nov 20, 2007, 03:17 AM

Cause it gave me the a ray of hope and rescue

crossimgover · Nov 20, 2007, 05:45 AM

My husbands biggest two problems are

1) when he gets angry he doesn't think of what he is saying which often leads to very stupid provocative conversations . He also tends to use this inappropriate language and a way of arguing which I am not used to. But I don't blame him and I am saying that because, he was brought up in a family where the mother was oppressed. And my assumption is that as children they were exposed to harsh argument and to a tense environment. On the other hand, my parents were high school sweethearts been married for over 24 years. Of course they had their ups and downs and of course I have seen them argue as well but it never crossed limits. Sure they would storm at each other, and get angry and sleep in different rooms for the night, but never have they cursed or kicked each other from home.

So for me this is very challenging and I do my best to keep myself under control but of course with constant provocation I lose my temper and he brings the worst in me.

2) sarcasm and humor. My husband thinks he has an excellent sense of humor, he is funny.. but he often makes a fool of himself by making jokes on anything. When we meet people over for dinners for example and he wants to use his charm, he starts non stop jokes and sometimes they are ridiculous, tasteless and even mean. A lot of times the jokes are actually about me. I have told him that I am not comfortable with that and I have embarrassed him in front of people to make my point clear with a sentence such as' forgive my husband, he tends to senselessly talk when around people" but of course it makes an uncomfortable atmosphere. But I can't just be quite and be mocked by my husband. What more can I do more than talking to him over and over and reminding him about it.

When he does something wrong, his ego often does not allow him to apologize and he tries to avoid opening the subject for discussion, instead he just tries to joke or tease me hoping it will make me forget the whole thing and be OK again.

Does anyone live with someone similar with to my husbands silliness? And what do you do about that? Anyone has a helpful advice that can improve my life, BRING IT ON pleaseeeee

Thank you

donf · Nov 21, 2007, 07:45 AM

Dear Cross,

You are married! You don't have the options open to you that single women have simply because you are no longer single.

However, I do understand your need for independence from dependence on others, particularly your husband. The independence you seek is not unattainable. However, the purpose of marriage is that you and your husband form a mutual dependence on each other. While not the only purpose, this is a very big "Core"issue. It speaks to mutual trust.

You personal goals are being stimied, correct? You have the problem, how are you going to fix it?

First comes language and culture. Immerse yourself in the island's history, cultures and language. You will be surprised at how fast you can pick up the language skills.

With that skill on your tonque, you have doubled your value to any company, including your husband's company who is doing business on the island. Start your own company as a consultant to potential companies. Check with the local ruling government to see if they have a department charged with public relations or developing business and commerce with the US.

Use your knowledge of the internet to contact former classmates at their current business' to see if there firm would be interested in expending to the island and hiring you as a on-site advisory person.

Do not let your current blue mood shut you down. Kick yourself in your fanny and prove that you are an independent minded person and a self starter. The outside world is still here, go to work on it.

None of the aboe involve the desolution of your marriage.

Greg Quinn · Nov 21, 2007, 01:03 PM

Based on the fact that you were giving only examples I am going to assume there are a lot more problems. And I compliment you on you re ability to explain behaviour so clearly. I couldn't disagree more with the post above. You do not have to adopt a life that you were clearly manipulated into living. I am all about making lemonade out of lemons... But if they are sour I tend to toss them out and find an alternative. You asked if anyone knew a person that was like your husband, my dad... To a Tee! I honestly thought it was creepy how you explained the dinner table talk with guests, and how he would argue using language and extremes that you are not used to. A form of false confidence usually brought on by a little bit of booze or adrenaline. From jokes to stress he always dealt with things in an overboard immature manner. Is he stubborn? Does he usually get his way? I don't know how old he is but people like that really are very unstable and in my experience can not change. Anyway I lived with that my whole life and I am guessing you have about another thousand problems with him. The more I read the behaviour problems he has socially and personally. I am really quite sure he would have known about you're limitations in pursuing you're career. As to a solution? I can not give you one, maybe I'm wrong, and his behaviour is more mild than I am imagining, just tasteless jokes and unhealthy coping skills. Do you see a decline in you're relationship? Does he get irritated by little things? Does he seem to eat away at you're confidence/self esteem? I have to wonder about his need to control you because of the position you have been put in. It seems you were set up to move there, isolated, possibly depressed, and he has done nothing to change this for you. Pretty selfish!

Homegirl 50 · Nov 21, 2007, 03:05 PM

You both made a decision, it was the wrong one and now you're stuck, but I don't think your husband is at fault. You're married, you don't just give up at the first bump. Take some classes, learn the language look for a job.
You said your husband is understanding, what is it you want him to do? Sounds to me like you're feeling a bit sorry for yourself and looking for an excuse to bail out of your marriage.

Greg Quinn · Nov 21, 2007, 04:27 PM

He made a decision and she did what woman in love do... She went with him, honouring her vows and stayed true to her man. Yeah, maybe she should have researched her field of employment opportunities at that location but love is sometimes blind to assumption and logic.
I hire people from other countries on a regular basis, and find they were washing dishes prior to me having hired them, what is a PR person going to do with a limited vocabulary on an island? Crossimgover never said she had some "palace dream", NY loft Exec... She wanted to pursue her career. If I were stuck there with my wife of three years under the same circumstances, I would be furious! Calling it an excuse to get out of a marriage is just wrong. So many times this woman has asked for advice and wants help, QT: I believe in communication in marriage, and I have fully explained how I feel and he apologized several times saying he will work on it, however after a few days it seems that all we talked about is soon forgotten and everything goes back to the way it was. I am not sure what else to do
I love my husband but I am not sure how much more can I go.. " End QT;

Homegirl 50 · Nov 21, 2007, 06:41 PM

I have moved with my husband many times over the course of 32 years of marriage, following his jobs, I've had to find jobs myself. Some if those places I did not care for and it took me a while to adjust, but in a marriage you make things work. There are not going to be happy easy times all of the time.
I can sense your frustration, but find things to do there, are there no jobs you can do there, or are you wanting to come back to the states.
If there are other problems in your marriage then this is not about the job as your first post suggested.
When I posted my answer it was before your second post.
Perhaps you two can consider marriage counseling, that is if you feel there is enough there to work with.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 21, 2007, 06:55 PM

We each in our own way make our own choices in life. Please do not use your choice to blame someone else for what is happening, The fact it was not checked out ahead of time, was your choice. You made a choice andnow you need to make the best of it, change carreers if you need to, learn the language, when I was transferred to Mexico and when I had to go to work in Columbia (south america) I had to learn new customs, languges and more. So you adjust. Only you limit you.

Greg Quinn · Nov 21, 2007, 07:15 PM

I really think it is too early (given the information we have) to tell, that if you stay in that situation if it is only you limiting you at this point.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 21, 2007, 07:58 PM

First a married women is never going to be completely "independent" if there is any real marriage, you agreed to support his carrer move and should continue to do so.

So you don't speak the language well, you have plenty of time, so learn some language, get someone who speaks it and yours to go into business with you.

I think of so many people who come to the US not speaking english, and make their own stores, business, jobs. So it is a little harder, work at it.

donf · Nov 22, 2007, 12:01 PM

Dear Cross,

I'd like to echo, Homegirl50's advice and response. For myself and wife I have been bounce around the US by IBM.

I went from New York, to Norfolk, VA for 14 years. Boca Raton, FL for 4 years. Dallas, TX for 3 years and finally 14 years in Lexington, KY. From there I retired and we relocated back to Virginia.

At every step of the way my wife has been with me. Whatever job she had was terminated and basically her personal life ended for her. I asked about each moved, but not in a way that it would allow her to say no and talk me out of the move.

I would effectively plop her down and tell her, set up home, I've got to get to work. Is it fair, absolutely not. Did she like it, no. Did she make due and start again, yes.

Oddly enough, after I retired and moved back to Tidewater, the law firm my lady worked for some 30 years ago, asked Bonnie to sub in and eventually offered her enough money to make it worth trying.

That speaks to the quality of my lady's work and character. Nothing at all to do with me.