[JaH1]

I am a single parent of a 5 year old. He has been hitting , bitting, kicking other childern at his school He kicked his teacher. Don't know what to do. When ask why he does this ,his answer is because I wanted to.

[Wondergirl]

What happens when he does these things? What kind of a kid has he been up until this point?

He's testing the boundaries of what he can get away with.

[grammadidi]

I wonder if your son is used to sharing you with anyone else - especially other children. If not, that could be the key! You are a single mom. You are his world, and, I assume he is yours. Now he has another 'parent' figure in his life and he has to share her(?) with 25 other kids.

If this sounds like it might be the problem I would handle it by having play dates in your home... first with one child from his class, and as he is able to share, etc. add a second one and a third one. I would start by keeping play dates short (1 hour or less) for the first while and gradually increasing the time. I would also have a different child each time to encourage bonding and friedship with more than one peer. Of course, you should participate and be involved - perhaps in a role similar to the teachers. Encourage the same kinds of activities that occur in class, too. For instance in the Kindergarten classes my kids went to they had an arts & crafts centre, a book centre, a block centre (blocks, logs, lego, etc.), a water play area, and one centre rotated for life skills such as a medical centre, grocery store, garden centre, garage, kitchen, pet shop, etc.

He may be a little stressed by the whole situation. I think talking to him about it and giving him other tools (or having him provide his own) to solve the problems that make him feel like hitting. Connect with the teacher daily and reward him for using the other tools when he does by making his favourite lunch, extra playground time before coming home from school, taking a special trip with him, playing cars with him or something else that he would really enjoy. Keep the rewards simple and immediate initially, then as he starts using the tools ask him if he'd like to save up stars on a chart or marbles in a jar for a bigger reward. Perhaps 5 stars could give him a friend over for lunch, or a trip to the Dollar Store.

Don't allow him to get away with "Coz I wanted to." but also, don't expect "Why?" to be answered! He probably doesn't know! These are feelings that he is just learning to experience. I would never ask a question that can be answered with a yes, no, or because at that age. I would speak to the teacher every day for a coupld of minutes, preferably by phone, to find out what incidents there were and what precipitated it. Then, using a similar scenario, when you talk to him say something like "I remember when I was in schooll. I wanted to play with the "xxxx" but some other kids had it. I got so upset that it wasn't my turn! What do you do when that happens to you?"

Another thing I used with all my kids, grandkids and daycare kids is a happy face chart. This one had a lot of different faces representing emotions from mad, happy, sad, excited, worried, etc. While we were eating lunch (and I ALWAYS sat with the kids and talked about their day) I would pull out the chart (inside a plastic sleeve) and say "This morning when I woke up I was "TIRED" (point to the tired face), but then you came in and gave me a hug and I felt sooooo "LOVED" and point to the loved face (it doesn't matter what it looks like, just make a loved face and put the word underneath it, he'll catch on). When I picked you up at school I felt "FRUSTRATED" because I couldn't find a parking space! Then, when I found out that you hit Johnny I felt "EMBARRASSED" because I thought the teacher might think I taught you to do things like that. When you helped me by setting the table for lunch I felt "LOVED". Now that we are talking and you are going to tell me how you felt today, I feel "EXCITED" because maybe I can learn more about you.

Another really good 'game' is to say... "Today I like myself because I was helpful. I helped a little boy who was lost in the grocery store. What do you like about yourself today? " It's a great way to teach the child to concentrate on positives and a great self-esteem booster. It also gives you a few minutes of real quality time with your child. I was a single mom of two from the time they were 4 & 5 until they were 15 and 16, and again after my husband died to my adopted daughter from the time she was 11 until no (she is 16), so I KNOW how hard it can be to find that quality time.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

[margarita_momma]

I would start by telling him if he doesn't stop this behavior then there will be consequences. Do you spank him? I always believed in spanking until my son got older. He would do something that he knows he's not supposed to do like throwing something or spitting on me and I would spank him for it. He got so use to me punishing him like that, that it didn't hurt him anymore and he would do it because he knew he would get a pop and it would be over and he could do it again.

After this trial and error was over, I've learned that taking things away that he likes and time outs work wonders. If he starts acting up at a family function, take him into a room by himself and sit him in a corner. Tell him he has to sit there by himself for 5 minutes and think about what he has done. Make sure there is nothing around him to play with and if he gets up then the time will start all over again. Trust me, to a 5 year old that sounds like an eternity. Tell his teacher to inforce the same thing in her classroom. Tell her to separate your child from the other kids when he starts acting up and sit him in a corner by himself so that he has to watch all the other kids have fun and play together while he is all alone. He will learn. Also taking away toys, pets, movies etc will change his attitude pretty fast. Good luck.