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otherkat · Nov 15, 2007, 02:10 PM

WHY Doesn't"T ANYBODY EVER RESPOND TO ME?!?!
I'll try to keep this too the point. Please Help!
Ok my current boyfriend of almost 4 years is insecure, obsessive, and suicidal. I don't know how I have made it this far with him. We live with his mom whom I despise. I have wanted to leave the situation for about 6 months now and I keep dwelling on the issue. I feel that when I am at work on the outside of the situation I look at it and it is bad in every aspect, but when I get home and see my dogs (my dogs are my children and when I leave I will not be able to take them) and the inside of our relationship and put that outside perspective in the back of my head. I have packed my bags numerous times and for some reason I never end up leaving. I think it's mostly the suicidal thing. It's hard to just leave when the person is telling you, "goodbye, I am going to be dead by morning." Last time Sydney my dog started biting on my bag like don't leave. I caved at that point. He won't let me go to college, won't let me go to lunch with a girlfriend, he tries to control me and that's my problem with him. How do I break up with him without running into these barricades?
I planned a trip to visit back home for Christmas. I have to break up with him before this trip. That's why I planned it so that I make myself do this. I also feel bad about leaving him at Christmas. This may make him more suicidal.
I am afraid if I just sneak out of the house with my things while he's at work that he will stalk my job and harass me. How do you tell a person that you have been telling everyday that you love that you simply do not love them anymore?

Chery · Nov 15, 2007, 03:38 PM

How long has this relationship been going on?
Why did you let him control you in the first place? You should have laid some ground rules instead of letting him rule every aspect of your life.
Why can't you take the dogs with you? If you cannot afford a place of your own where dogs are allowed, then ask a friend to keep them for a while until you find one. If he thinks they are also his, let him know that you don't think so...
Why do you despise his mom? She let you stay there.. is it because when he's busy with you, he leaves her alone and she get a break from this freak?

You have a choice to make here... stay with him and keep this crap up, ruining your life to the point where you'll be committing the suicide instead of him. Or, leave him and let him find another victim.. I doubt very much he will commit suicide, people who like to control you don't think of harming themselves, just enjoy torturing their victims and know exactly what buttons to push. He's for sure stronger than you are right now but want's you to believe he cannot do without you. He does not WANT to do without you, that's the difference. He loves to control and manipulate - and you're the pansy.

Get some support and make some plans toward your own survival, and gain some self-confidence and self-respect back NOW.

You are not the center of his universe, he is... Now go out an join a better universe that you deserve. All it takes is that first step, it will be hard, but rewarding to YOU.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

Don't be sad.. GET MAD! A heck of a lot better than what you're going through now. Do you even remember what attracted you to him in the first place? Are you looking for someone to take care of or are you looking for someone to share a good life with?

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margarita_momma · Nov 15, 2007, 04:00 PM

I had a boyfriend of 3 years that tried the suicide excuse with me too. We didn't live together but every time I talked about leaving him, he would start crying and say he couldn't live without me and that he would end it all. I got away from him by going and staying with my mom (who lives 3 hours away) for a couple months. I called him and broke it off right when I got there. He told me he was going to get the gun and kill himself. I told him to pull the f'in trigger. Needless to say he is still alive and ruining someone else's life with his controlling nature.

People like your boyfriend use these techniques to control you. There is no reason for you or anyone else to live with someone like that. You are going to have to grow some back bone and get away from this psycho before he ends up hurting you. Detach yourself emotionally from him so when he pulls the suicide card you won't even blink. Good luck hon. Get out of there and don't look back.

otherkat · Nov 15, 2007, 04:49 PM

We moved to Oregon a year ago and I don't have any friends up here. The friends I do have aren't that close and they live on her dad's couch. I don't think they will be helping me with the dog. I may get my ferret. His mom thinks the dog is her's even though we trained him and feed him. We have 3 dogs, I am very attached to 2 of them. I want to keep my Lab, but she is about 100 lbs. Apartments aren't fond of that. I'm trying to accept the idea that I will not be able to keep them and look at it as when the time is right I can get a puppy and he will be ALL mine. We have fought with his mom about the ownership of the dog since he was bought.
I can't stand her because she is annoying and spends money like a fiend and tries to make everybody's life hell when she is broke. She doesn't want to work. And she doesn't take care of her horses properly. She has 3 horses, she should probably just own one. One of them she has had since he was a baby. She doesn't train them. Doesn't let them in the pasture enough. She is just plain lazy and expects everyone else to pick up her slack.
Back to him. He IS very manipulative and in the years we have been together he has become very good at it. I know I have to leave him. It's more the how the I am concerned about I know when. I have to do it before I go to visit Vegas. I'm afraid if I just leave when he is not there and leave a note that he will stalk me and try desperately to get back together with me. I have to tell him to his face and I'm not sure how I am going to do that. Thank you for your opinions ladies you don't understand how much I appreciare it.

otherkat · Nov 15, 2007, 04:56 PM

Cause she responded which for some reason I have a problem with. Thanks sweetie!

Chery · Nov 15, 2007, 06:11 PM

It's still your choice. Sometimes even forced moves are miracles in disguise..
If you don't want to tell him to his face, and if he finds you, you can have a restraining order drawn on him for stalking. Plus, you'll be near friends and/or family who fill support you. Vegas is a big and busy place and if he has no idea of where you'll be there, it will be hard finding you. My brother lives there, and I did my psychology study and exam there, so I know that little city well. He also lives with 4 dogs and won't give any one of them up.

I'll email him and ask him if there are any puppies due soon and will let you know, just in case you want a new puppy. How do you like dalmatians and/or mixed?

You'll never know what freedom will be like unless you choose to take it in your own hands.

Believe it or not, my brother lived in Oregon too for a while before he moved back to Vegas... He's in his 40's and still single. A Security Guard and drives millions around all day, so he also has 'protection'. And knows people

margarita_momma · Nov 16, 2007, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by otherkat

We moved to Oregon a year ago and I don't have any friends up here. The friends I do have aren't that close and they live on her dad's couch. I don't think they will be helping me with the dog. I may get my ferret. His mom thinks the dog is her's even though we trained him and feed him. We have 3 dogs, I am very attached to 2 of them. I want to keep my Lab, but she is about 100 lbs. Apartments aren't fond of that. I'm trying to accept the idea that I will not be able to keep them and look at it as when the time is right I can get a puppy and he will be ALL mine. We have fought with his mom about the ownership of the dog since he was bought.
I can't stand her because she is annoying and spends money like a fiend and trys to make everybody's life hell when she is broke. She doesn't want to work. And she doesn't take care of her horses properly. She has 3 horses, she should probably just own one. One of them she has had since he was a baby. She doesn't train them. Doesn't let them in the pasture enough. She is just plain lazy and expects everyone else to pick up her slack.
Back to him. He IS very manipulative and in the years we have been together he has become very good at it. I know I have to leave him. It's more the how the I am concerned about I know when. I have to do it before I go to visit Vegas. I'm afraid if I just leave when he is not there and leave a note that he will stalk me and try desperately to get back together with me. I have to tell him to his face and I'm not sure how I am going to do that. Thank you for your opinions ladies you don't understand how much I appreciare it.

Do you have a problem moving back to where your family is? You say you have a job in Oregon but can you find something different closer to your family?

I know you are close to your animals but you need to realize, 'They're Animals!' Are they really worth staying with a psycho that makes you miserable? Start saving up some extra cash and get away from there. Its really the only way to get away from a person like that. Pack your bags for the trip (but be packing up all your other things that you will be taking along). Tell him the day you are leaving so you won't have to stand around listening to him whine and make threats of what he is going to do if you leave him. Once you get out, don't answer his calls, texts, etc. Being around people that care about you helps when dealing with this sort of thing. If I could do it, I know you can.

otherkat · Nov 16, 2007, 09:51 AM

I have a GREAT job here in Oregon that pays $15.90 and I'm only a receptionist. That opportunity is rare and my boss knows about my situation and willing to help. I have never met a Dalmatian dog, but I have heard bad things about them. I want another lab idealy, but I will probably just go to the pound and fall in love with a mutt. I have a soft heart when it comes to animals. I don't really want to move back to Nevada, and my family lives in Boulder City actually which is a small town outside of Vegas. He has WAY more connections there and it would probably be easier for him to find me there than it would be here because he doesn't really know anyone up here. I plan on going to a woman's shelter. I have already spoke with a peer counselor. And I work on college campus on a construction site so there are plenty of people here (including big construction workers) My boss also told me that if I sense any problems that they can put a guard on the gate of the jobsite.
I was thinking of moving back, but I have wanted to move to Oregon my whole life. And I hated Boulder City because all my friends there from High School are on dope. I had to get away from that place, I couldn't watch my friends flush their lives down the toilet. I am easily manipulated as well and gullable so they took advantage of me time and time again. I have already got $500 saved that he doesn't know about. That was part of the reason for my procrastonation.
I plan on ceasing contact with him completely. I am going to change my cell number asap. I know he will just threaten to kill himself anyway and I just don't want to hear that.
And you guys are awesome thanks for your response. I need as much support as I can get.

margarita_momma · Nov 16, 2007, 12:07 PM

Why do you feel the need to leave him before going on this trip if you are going to be coming back? I know you are miserable there but if you are going back to Oregon after your vacation, you might want to get a little more organized before leaving. If you make $15+ an hour, getting an apartment is not going to be that difficult. Make sure you have a good chunk of change saved up, a good running car, and a budget set up for living on your own. I left my husband not to long ago impulsively. I moved in with a friend, which didn't work out. Then I got an apartment, which I couldn't afford. I had to live in my car for almost a week, I lost my car because I was too broke to afford the payments and I was only eating one meal a day. I also maxed out all my credit cards in cash advances to pay my bills. Big mistake that I am currently paying for horribly.

It is going to be hard at first but you will make it through. Just try to have a plan and some money before jumping out on your own like I stupidly did. Start searching for apartments in the area. Find one that YOU like because it will be ALL YOURS. Doesn't that sound nice? :) Just keep your head up and forget about the creep. Start your life over and enjoy your freedom. Take the time you are spending on your trip to clear your head and set up a "getting out strategy".

otherkat · Nov 16, 2007, 12:28 PM

I have been saving up money for some time. I have about $500 saved and paid my credit cards part way off. Have been looking for apartments too. They aren't that expensive here. I could get a place for around $500-$600. The cost of living here is really low. I feel the need to leave him before the trip because he would not let me go visit without him. He is way too possessive of me to do that. Also I have been procrastonating leaving him for quite some time now because I fear all this bad stuff, but with the trip I actually have something to look forward to. I plan on staying at a shelter at first, and getting an apartment before I go so I have a home to come home to. Does that sound like a good plan? I plan on breaking up with him after Thanksgiving.

margarita_momma · Nov 16, 2007, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by otherkat

I have been saving up money for some time. I have about $500 saved and paid my credit cards part way off. Have been looking for apartments too. They aren't that expensive here. I could get a place for around $500-$600. The cost of living here is really low. I feel the need to leave him before the trip because he would not let me go visit without him. He is way too possessive of me to do that. Also I have been procrastonating leaving him for quite some time now because I fear all this bad stuff, but with the trip I actually have something to look forward to. I plan on staying at a shelter at first, and getting an apartment before I go so I have a home to come home to. Does that sound like a good plan? I plan on breaking up with him after Thanksgiving.

Getting an apartment before leaving out on the trip sounds like a very good idea. The only problem with that is time since Thanksgiving is next week. Have you ever stayed at a women's shelter before? Its not a Holiday Inn by any means and if you are lugging your stuff around with you, there is the risk of it being stolen while you are at work. Unless of course you keep it all in your car. What do you mean he won't LET YOU go by yourself? Tell him you are going on the trip alone and if he doesn't like it then so be it. Tell him you need some space from him. Maybe the talk about the trip will get the conversation on ya'lls relationship status started. Then it won't be such a hard blow to him when you do leave. Like I said before, cut yourself off emotionally from him so you will be the strong one in the conversation. If you don't love him anymore and he is making you unhappy, it shouldn't be that hard to grow a little back bone.

BiWiccanAndProud · Nov 16, 2007, 01:15 PM

Hey otherkat ^.^ you asked me to check in so I am! Look he is manipulative and ruining your life. You want to go to college right? Then you should be able to go! You have girlfriends you want to hang out with. He shouldn't keep you from that! He has been controlling you since you started dating so I agree that he will be the pansy and not do anything!

As for your dogs. Are you going to Vegas by plane? If you are then go out when he doesn't know and buy some dog carriers! Take the dogs with you to Vegas! Stay there! You are going to see family correct? Well then ask if your mom or dad or some relative can keep them till you have a permaniet house or an apparment that allows them. Then when you find a place get your dogs from them! And your bf's mom? Okay I got to cover this issue cause I hate people that abuse animals! Call animal control when you leave! That way she can't blame you cause you won't be there and then someone will know about how she treats her animals and they will be taken away!

Again with the suicide though. Just plain tell him you don't love him anymore and if he says "i'll kill myself" and you think he is bluffing. Call him on it! Point at a knife in the kitchen and say, "The knifes right there." and walk out. Better yet, call a hospital! Tell a doctor to come get him or something. I'm sure there is someplace that covers these things where you live.

You seem like a strong person kat, you really do if only cause you have delt with this guy all this time! I know I would have left a long time ago. So grab your bags, get the dogs in the dog carrier, and sneak out and go to Vegas, see your family! 'Sides if they are your family then they will willing help you. If this guy kills himself? It's not your fault! He's the one hurting himself, he's the one wasting his life. It's not your fault. So go on and live a good life kat ^.~

otherkat · Nov 16, 2007, 02:04 PM

Dude I just typed this whole extensive thing and poof gone. I have no clue where it went. Well I never thought that a shelter would be a bad place, the lady made it seem reasonable. She said they buy houses and let women in similar situations stay there. Good idea about keeping my stuff in the car, I am too trusting and wouldn't think of that. I need to stay there so that I can save up some money. I feed a family of 4 and 3 dogs. I cook and clean horse stalls and groom them. I can't do feet unfortunately that's up to her. SHelters here don't have facilities for horses. Believe me I've tried. We don't have Animal Control like on Animal Planet unfortunately. :(
You ladies all think it's a good idea to move back to Vegas, but I REALLY don't want to and deal with all my ex friends who are all crank heads now. It tore me up inside watching them throw their lives away. It's a BIG problem there. I think I would rather stay here and deal with Sean. He is only 160lbs. Not that much to be afraid of. I also work and will be staying in a college town and plan on getting an apartment so that there will always be people around.
I've called him on the suicide thing once and I felt REALLY sick afterwards. I just can't do bad things like that. I like to think of myself of having a heart of gold. I think that's why doing this is so hard. I don't like hurting people no matter how much they have hurt me. I do understand that staying here would be betraying myself. That soal inside me that yearns to be free.
His mom would call the cops on me if I stole a dog. She thinks they are hers. She is going crazy I think.
I used to be a very different strong opinionated don't take no from nobody kind of girl before I met him. I just have to dig that girl back up.
Love you ladies. I need this. Some of it hurts, but in a good way. It's sad though that I don't really have friends here that I could go to because of him. All my co-workers love me though and will help me they say.

otherkat · Nov 16, 2007, 04:17 PM

Hearing all of this is what I need and what I came here for.

Chery · Nov 17, 2007, 07:34 AM

Otherkat,

I know that you feel stuck because of the animals, but as has been said before, they are just animals and sometimes we have no other choice but to leave them. I just have one cat right now, but always had more animals in my life, so I know how you feel. My cat is 15 and getting old, but I've about 9-12 months left in my own life and I do worry about what will happen to him.

As far as a 'controlling' guy is concerned, mine lives right upstairs from me and I'm glad it's over. I feel free now that I'm alone, and he knows he better leave me alone or he will have more trouble than he needs. The people in his family are on my side, so I'm a little luckier than you. One family member is even a cop. My family and friends are here too, and in Vegas, and in Afghanistan, and on this site.. - and I'm still willing to make new friends.

What you have to decide for yourself is hard but we will support you as much as we can and I hope you keep us posted, during and after your vacation, if possible. I also hope your Thanksgiving is not to torturous - being there is not much at present to be thankful for - at least not with his mother and him.

No transition is easy, but if you don't try it would make you very unhappy. So keep on looking for other support and don't give up.

Wishing you lots of luck and happiness in whatever you decide.

BiWiccanAndProud · Nov 17, 2007, 09:03 AM

Well you are right about the heart of gold Kat. You seem like a good person, to be truthful you seem like me. I hate to hurt people ever, it makes me sick to my stomach when I do, but like you, when I try to please everyone I get myself into a real mess. For instance when my dad asked me if I wanted to live with him when I was 12. I was so scared of making him sad I said yes... and a whole buch of crap happened cause of that one thing and me continuing to try and please my mom and dad.

Look you don't want to go to Vegas. Okay. Well go see your family and like I said take the dogs with you! Do they know where you're family is in Vegas? If not then you have nothing to worry about! As previously said leave them at your parents and move to a town maybe an hour away from Vegas that has a good college and pick up your life! Get a good apartment that allows pets and that you can afford. Go to college and get that education you want! Then when everything is picked up and good, go get your dogs from your parents. Again with his mom though... if you call animal control on her do you really think they would believe her over you about them being her dogs? Do you seriously think that they would even let her have them?

You're a good person Kat and you deserve more then a controlling boyfriend and a woman who tries to claim your kids! Pull that no nonsense girl up from inside you and get your life rolling! It's not like you are going to have to be her forever, and it's not like you can't still be the kind you and still kick him to the curb! You just need to get you life back the way you want it. Take a break from dating for a while, eventually you will have a good man by your side, your dogs, and a good home and education.

otherkat · Nov 19, 2007, 02:58 PM

My dad and grandma both live in an RV and won't be able to handle my big girl. I'm going to try and take her, but I don't want to get my hopes up. Luckily his mom is in Vegas for Thanksgiving visiting with her mom and his brothers and sisters. So it's just me, him, and Grubby (the step-dad he's alright) that's why I want to make them dinner because nobody else will be here to do it. We got in a big fight last night. I started packing my up and than it dawned on me that my car is in the shop m@#$%% F%$#@# pardon my french but that's how I felt. I finally got the courage and bam, shot down! I get my car back today though and I think we are going to have a serious sit down talk and I think I'm not going to make it to thanksgiving. Maybe, but I hope not. With her gone I might be able to keep my dog. I was thinking of calling the shelter to see if they would take care of her for a couple of weeks until I get things settled. They know my face there and I donate to them whenever possible, so hopefully they can help out. But again I'm not going to get my hopes up. Apartments with pets are expensive. The surrounding towns around Vegas are icky! Except for "clean, green, Boulder City" which is my home town. I actually miss having a cat. I always had cats before because my dad doesn't really like dogs. Sorry for my scatterbrained response but I keep coming back to it because I'm at work. Thank you both for your continued response! So So much I need as much support as I can get. I will definitely keep you posted. I love and respect what you do for people everyday on this site. Keep up the good work!

BiWiccanAndProud · Nov 19, 2007, 03:04 PM

Well good luck! Hopefully this sit down will end things on good grounds. The shelter idea is a very good one! And as for the car thing XD I'm sorry but I find it ironiclly funny... I can't help but giggle. At least things are working out though and you are gathering things together and getting a plan in your head. As for cats ^.^ if you can get an apartment that allows two pets get a cat too! It's not like the two creatures ALWAYS fight. In my house we have 3 cats and 3 dogs... of course the dogs are two shelties and a terriar (basically they are really small dogs) but they get along. And you better keep us posted! ^.~ I want to see how things go for you! Again you seem like a very nice woman!

otherkat · Nov 19, 2007, 03:16 PM

No need to be sorry. I kind of think it's ironically funny as well. I'm known for bad timing. I like to twist things around as much as possible so that I can laugh at my mistakes and learn from them. As much as I have been through hell I have learned a lot from this dysfunctional family. How to not spend money on plastic till you are screwed, how to turn your back on insecure fellas because they will just cause you grief, how to take care of horses, how to cook, and a lot of how not to be's. So I will come out of this even a better person. And before I lived with them I was a big pessimist. Look at what I just said. I'm definitely not a pessimist anymore!

BiWiccanAndProud · Nov 19, 2007, 03:19 PM

lmao!! It works out then doesn't it! ^.^ hehehe a lot more people need to look at their mistakes like that :P a lot of people just brush those things off their shoulders like old news.