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mommaveloso · Jan 9, 2006, 03:34 AM

My 10 yr old daughter is very well behaved in public, at other peoples houses, to other people, but for some reason she has been very snappy and rude towards me. I have been at home with her since she was born. Not because I wanted to, but because I have 2 other kids also, and dh didn't want me to go to work. He is not in favor of day care. So I have been with her for the last 10 years taking care of her. Why does she only be rude and nasty towards me.. she has the worst attitude towards me like I am a stranger off the street sometimes.. and she treats me like I am some school friend or buddy and not her mom. What happened? Where did I go wrong? She isn't like this with her dad, and we live in the same house! Is this a normal thing for 10 yr old girls? And where did I go wrong with the mom and daughter role? Sometimes she acts like she is the mom and I am the kid. I am confused because she only does it to me? What can I do to change this? I have already grounded her more days than you can think. Taken away fav toys. Banned her from TV, video games, talking on the phone... what else can I do?

RickJ · Jan 9, 2006, 04:38 AM

Consequences (punishment) for unacceptable behavior is certainly appropriate... but have you also tried to explain to her how much this hurts you?

Here's what's worked for me in the past: It goes along these lines:

While she's in a good mood, and not thinking you'll be talking about her, sit down with her. Tell her you're sad.

Your best friend at work has been treating you mean, saying things like [what your daughter says to you] and [other things your daughter says to you]. Use examples that you know she'll say "That would make me real sad".

Ask her more about how it would make her feel.

... then tell her that you're really speaking about her and you. That you're sad because someone you love so much is treating you that way.

Do you think this angle can work for her?

mommaveloso · Jan 9, 2006, 04:43 AM

Honestly.. I don't work. I am still at home, I have a 7 mth old baby. Dh thinks it is because of the age gap between her and the new baby. He says she is acting out of jealousy due to the fact I am always with the baby. I don't know. Maybe that is it? I have sat her down and talked to her, she says she don't realize she is doing that to me. And that she is sorry. But then she does it again. And some days she is worse then others. Like if she had a bad day at school, she is really nasty to me, like I am the one who made her day bad. I do punish her, but lately it seems as if she is always being punished in some way, and I don't want her to think that is all she is ever going to get, I want her to know that if she does better she will get better, but how do I get her to do better?

RickJ · Jan 9, 2006, 04:55 AM

It will not be easy (I know; I've got 6 kids) but you've just got to keep talking.

Yes, the punishments must continue, but try to continue seeking ways to have her recall how hurtful words can be. Help her recall the times when her friends have hurt her with words - and how it made her feel.

Also remind her of all the great compliments she gets [name the specific people] and ask her how she thinks they'd feel if she said [what she's said to - and how she treats - you].

There will be no quick fix for this; but keep using exact examples of what she says - turning it around to how she would feel if people she loves would say it to her.

You and I both know there is hope: You describe a daughter that is truly humble and nice inside. Hang in there, Mom!

mommaveloso · Jan 9, 2006, 05:09 AM

Thank you for the advice. I will deff keep talking to her. I just don't want my 8 year old to start doing the same thing. I have 3 girls, and I know that girls copy eachothers behavior.. I know this because I am the oldest of 3 girls myself. Hopefully she will not rub off on the other 2!