[hmsf]

My oldest daughter is 18 1/2 and has been in a mentally abusive relationship that did end finally. It became very ugly. I took her to an abuse center to talk to them it didn't do much good and we have had a therapist involved with her ever since. The kicker is that she is going back to him now. We are extremely distressed and at a loss as to what to do. Her being 18 is the biggest problem as far as what our options are. She lives at home and is technically still a high school senior. We have always homeschooled, she is taking a couple of courses at our community college and is wanting to act and be treated as an adult. She lies to us and is not able to make good choices concerning herself. The young man is 21 and lives with his parents and has a list of mental issues, depression and anxiety. He finally started taking meds but now has decided to up his alcohol consumption. I have explained to her how dangerous this is but she "knows" and chooses to ignore the warnings. The therapist told us to impose boundaries on what would be acceptable to us like how often they see each other and for how long to start with until everyone was more comfortable and we could see he had changed as she wants us to believe. He doesn't come over and we don't see or talk to him at all. She goes in her room and shuts the door, all secret like, when he calls and won't say anything to us about them. He has been calling her in the middle of the nights for months off and on and robbing her of her sleep. I have told her how disrespectable this is of him but she thinks it's just wonderful. We finally had to tell her to put her cell phone out of her room at night with the rest of the families (we pay for it) EVERY night I have to go to her room and get it myself. We told her she could see him twice a week and for no longer than four hours at a time for now. These things were decided with the input from the therapist. She came home an hour late yesterday for the second time since she started to see him again. We told her that she had lost car privileges (our car she doesn't have her own.) except for getting to school and wouldn't see him for one week because of that. She became very angry (of course) and is researching moving out now. She also told me that he wants her to go to another state with him for a three year program he has been offered by a job. He finally has a job after 2+ years of not. Don't know if it will last because of his temper and lack of respect for others. He is a real creep!! How do I help her and how do I stop this from hurting my other 3 children this is starting to erode the foundation of our family and is a terrible burden to carry every day. My health and patience with my other children is starting to crumble and I feel like a failure as a parent and SO helpless to stop the whole mess from spiraling out of control. The others are upset and can't stand to hear us fight ( I am trying to curb that and stay calmer at least on the outside.) She is irrational some of the time and very volatile if he sets her off. She wants to blame us because he tells her it's us and we are the problem. Typical abuser behaviour isolate and cut off the victim from family and friends. He is text book classic in many ways. Insane jealousy, possesive, (she can't go to her brothers games or out with the family without him erupting into a cruel dialog on her phone during the outings. Telling her he's breaking up that he can't trust her and she is having affairs with everyone he can think of. That going with us isn't good for them. etc.
Sorry so Long I am so lost and frightened for her and the fabric of my family. Help!

[Choux]

Your husband has to handle this situation.

Deep down, she will respect his making the effort to protect and nurture her. He is also the person to put the nasty boyfriend in his place.

He must follow through with building a relationship with his daughter, and there are many people who can help him with advise and support, such as a pastor, a therapist, an older man who is respected for his wisdom.

When your husband takes over that will relieve stress on you, so you can nurture other members of the family.

Good Luck!

[cerisa]

She is 18. She will leave. He is telling her she has rights, the law will tell her she has rights. You will lose contact completely if you alienate her further. Cell phones are cheap at walmart, you can't keep an 18 year old young woman away from what she wants to do. No amount of pleading will make her see what a mistake she will be making. The therapist is not the one who will lose a daughter. You will. You have done everything you can. Hope and pray that she will see him for what he is on her own, if not, she will pay the price as all adults have to do. The more he can use your opposition to lure her away , the less chance there is of her seeing through him. The more you criticize him, the more protective of him she will be. Remember, she will pull away as long as you keep pulling in the opposite direction.
Let her talk to him, it will lose it's luster after a while. Let her see him a little more often. Better than running off right now. The grass will remain greener as long as it is forbidden. Let her know she can confide in you so you know if it becomes abusive. Hold on to your marriage and don't let this ruin your health or family.
Remember, we have to let go,Hon. I know, all four of mine are grown and out, but not gone. They put us through every wringer that kids can do, I am not just talkin' theory here. I am not saying you are not in the right, only that not all battles can be won. Sometimes you have to concede. No one said parenthood is for sissies.
Much love and good luck to you

[Homegirl 50]

While I agree with cerisa, as long as she lives in your home and you are financially responsible for her, she needs to obey the rules of the house.
Is the father living at home, what is he saying and doing about this situation? And have you talked with this guy's family?

[hmsf]

Yes, My Husband (her father) is part of her life and here with us. He is as much at a loss as I am and probably even more hurt and confused as I am. He has kind of left me in the fore front because she and I have always been a little closer than he and her. I am in that gray area between both your posts. I feel she should respect the rules we have especially since she has 3 younger sibs watching her actions. I also see the need to let her learn on her own what is good and what is bad. Your right, a very tough road and very complicated by emotions!

I am extra sensitive right now due to a murder of an 18 year old girl, by a boyfriend who matches my daughter's boyfriend in personality description. It was a local news story. Please accept my gratitude I am so alone on this and haven't anyone close to confide in! I hate to distress my hubby more by going on and on about my fears and lack of ability to handle this.

[Homegirl 50]

I think your husband needs to play a larger role in this. Start doing things with her, maybe have a talk with this guy. Have you spoken with this guy's parent's recently?
She is still living in your home, being supported by you, she must obey the rules.

[KBC]

Although I do agree with the husband needing to show more authority in the situation, BOTH need to get a grip on what is going on.

My 21 year old daughter has played both of us for years, but in the end, who is the 'victor',the parents that can be there for their kids through thick and thin,Bad decision making is a rite of passage,didn't we all make a few decisions our family's wouldn't think too highly of?

At 21 mine has finally stated the boyfriend(which I knew was NOT right for her) was just not what she wanted(hmmm,did she grow a little from her experience?) and was I there for her when she confided in me this revelation?( I was so proud of her that she could see this and express it to ME!)

Does this make it bearable while she went through this ordeal, NONE THE LEAST,to put it lightly.

It has been explained to me as separation, separating my wants( as a parent) and her needs(as... immature teenager?)I did my best to parent her to the first stages of adulthood, now she MUST make some decisions on her own,I'll be there if she falls,and there if she succeeds.Either way I will love her forever.

Tough love and the feelings of abandonment are common hangups parents go through, we are human.

I would try what was suggested above about letting go, give her the rope, let her learn her way in life, without alienating her from yourselves, she loves you, let her learn that on her own.At 18 she can make her way in life, if she won't follow your rules, invite her to make a life away from you(When they know it all, let them live it all)You'll hate yourselves for it in the beginning,but think of how much she'll learn on her own, lifes lessons are a powerful motivator.

I am just rambling now, but I do hope you see something you'll get from this,

Ken

[vlee]

It is your house, you are paying the bills and the cell phone, etc... so change the rules. Tell her if she wants to be treated like an adult she has to pay the adult price... rent, her own cell phone, respecting your curfew. Don't ask where she has been when she goes out. Simply state that if she wants to continue to live with you, these are the rules. She can choose to abide by them, or you can place her things out on the porch for her collection. I know it sounds hard and cruel, but if she is determined to have the privileges of an adult while sponging off you, she also needs a dose of reality, which means the financial responsibility no real adult gets to escape.

[Homegirl 50]

My only concern is that you are dealing with an emotionally unstable teen. But if she does not respect the rules, you may have to let her go and learn the hard way.
I still would like to know if the father has concisdered having a talk with this boy. How long has this relationship been going on?

[Depressed in MO]

I am a little older than your daughter (26) but have been in a very abusive relationship since I was 19.

Show her this website, maybe, just maybe, it will help her to think about what she is going into. I just found it this week, and since then I've taken it upon myself to get counseling to help me outline my steps to make my goals to leave this man. What's worse is we have children. I have counseling for them too. And it's FREE. I don't know what area you live in, but please research, research, research! I'm sure you will as you sound like a wonderful mom.

Good luck to you and here is the website: Domestic Violence Support Organization - Online Support Group, Information

Click on the members posts and read what some of these ladies are saying. I have posted on there too.

[N0help4u]

I agree 100% with cerisa and vlee. You will only accomplish pushing her away and alienating any relationship you have. She is the type that has to learn the hard way and no amount of words is going to make her see the light. You can, as vlee suggested, quit paying her way and letting her use your stuff if she can't follow the rules.
My one daughter started sneaking out of the house by the time she was 13 and wouldn't come home for days and would yell that she hated me, etc... etc...
She had to learn the hard way and now she is 22 and tells me she is sorry for the way she treated me, the way she acted and she sees things differently now that she has learned some responsibility.

[oprahh11]

I don't have an answer for you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. We too have a 19 year old daughter in the same situation. Only difference s that we have gone over and talked to boyfriends dad and her father has stepped in but to no avail. She has no car right now and we are making ourselves crazy trying to drive ourselves and her to college and work each day. Im realizing that isn't the answer. My sister called me to say that an older friend of hers had a similar situation and what they did was gave them what she called " their reality". Line up how much her car, insurance, phone etc. cost and tell her that you will give her the car back if she wants "her reality". Another words the life she is choosing. I know I am consumed with how to help my daughter but at the same time I am sick of feeling sick over this. No words work and the fighting and blaming and worrying does nothing for any of us. Tonight we are going to do this with our daughter. My sister said that her friend's daughter left but within 3 months was away from boyfriend and begging to be normal again. She also said that the mother warned it was the hardest 3 months of their lives but it was now so worth it. I don't know feel free to write me and let me know how you are doing. I too thought I was the only one that was going through all of this. We have done all the therapist things for months now. Even taken her to a women's domestic violence group once a week, a coda group once a week and a personal therapist. None of this has done much. Of course she is 19 and invincible. Nothing she hears from adults or sees on TV or anywhere is what she believes will be her reality.

God bless you and we will keep your family in our prayers.

"

[oprahh11]

I don't have an answer for you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. We too have a 19 year old daughter in the same situation. Only difference s that we have gone over and talked to boyfriends dad and her father has stepped in but to no avail. She has no car right now and we are making ourselves crazy trying to drive ourselves and her to college and work each day. Im realizing that isn't the answer. My sister called me to say that an older friend of hers had a similar situation and what they did was gave them what she called " their reality". Line up how much her car, insurance, phone etc. cost and tell her that you will give her the car back if she wants "her reality". Another words the life she is choosing. I know I am consumed with how to help my daughter but at the same time I am sick of feeling sick over this. No words work and the fighting and blaming and worrying does nothing for any of us. Tonight we are going to do this with our daughter. My sister said that her friend's daughter left but within 3 months was away from boyfriend and begging to be normal again. She also said that the mother warned it was the hardest 3 months of their lives but it was now so worth it. I don't know feel free to write me and let me know how you are doing. I too thought I was the only one that was going through all of this. We have done all the therapist things for months now. Even taken her to a women's domestic violence group once a week, a coda group once a week and a personal therapist. None of this has done much. Of course she is 19 and invincible. Nothing she hears from adults or sees on TV or anywhere is what she believes will be her reality.

God bless you and we will keep your family in our prayers.

"

[Jake2008]

You can go one of two ways.

You can let her go and find her own way, or you can fight to keep her safe at home.

If you choose the former, let her know that you are not going to stop her, but because she has made her choice, you aren't going to make it easy for her. Cancel the phone, take away the car keys, don't go picking her up in the middle of the night. Stop doing her laundy, and explain that while she is living there rent-free, she has to do her own laundry, cut the grass, and do the dishes every night. Give her an idea of what things are likely to be like in the future because "she's al grown up and can make her own decisions". Well, those decisions come with responsibilities and consequences.

Stop talking about the boyfriend, and jumping at every opportunity to teach her that she is making bad choices. While she is still at home, be silent with your concerns, accusations, opinions. If she wants to be treated like an adult, then treat her like one and allow her to think about not having you there to rescue her.

Let her know that you'd like a date when she is moving out so you can cancel her health insurance, give her the change of address forms, and ask her to let her friends know she will no longer be living at home. Polite, to the point, no negotiation.

Show her the same love you always have, without the benefits. She can't live in two worlds, and expect a five star existence in your home, when she is really facing having to grow up and fend for herself.

Give her a taste, in other words, what life is going to be like, without you, and her family. Let her know that IF it doesn't work out for her, you will consider allowing her home, but there is no guarantee that you will.

It is a new role for you, but while you have the opportunity to make a point while she is still at home, I'd jump all over it. You aren't creating any hardship that she won't face when she's on her own, and a different tactic may get her thinking of what she is about to lose.

You must think of her as an adult, and she's making adult decisions. You cannot stop the path she chooses, but you can change roles yourself and take a firmer stand with her not expecting all that she has comes without a price.

Then, she herself might start to wonder, if its worth it to leave.

[Gemini54]

Whoops. This thread is nearly 2 yeas old. She'll be 20 by now.

[yadhy83]

My family is dealing with the same situation right now. My younger sister met this boy at an online when she was 17, he was 15. She was completely brain washed as to how she had to leave my parents' house in NY to go live in the middle of nowhere at another state (WI). She left a decent paying job, barely finished high school, and just took her things, told my parents she was 18 and they couldn't hold her back. She left to leave to his parents house, after a few months she started calling the house to say how she wanted to see us and she wanted to go back, we all paid for her flight to bring her back, but not even 2 days after she came back she was there calling him again, and a few days later he left again. She had been gone for almost a year until last month we got a phonecall from her saying how horrible it was over there, that she was done and felt she had wasted her life being there, that they were manipulative people, she only ate one meal a day, that he pushed her during an argument, etc. I told her she needed to call 911, they took her out the house and I paid for her to go back to my parents. On the way she kept telling how horrible it all was living there etc, etc,
But now, after a month, she is talking of giving this guy another chance and asking how we would feel about it... we're all beyond frustrated at this point and don't know what else to do to make her understand and come back to her senses... I've been praying that everything will be OK and she will start turning her life around. I pray that you and your family have peace and that soon your situation changes, some people take longer to mature and need to go trhough certain situations to make them stronger.

[Homegirl 50]

This thread is really old. It was started in 2007. It should probably be closed