[tiredoflies]

I have been married for 26 years and about 14 months ago my husband started acting really foolish. Staying out late in bars, drinking obsessively, and putting a wedge between he and our 2 adult children.

When I would ask him to help me to understand what was going on he just would get angry and tell me to back off. After months of being ignored I finally moved out of our home and so did he. He has since moved out of state and his behavior is very unpredictable.

I would like for him to just give me the truth and tell me why he has abandoned me. If it's another woman then OK I can deal and move on. If it's an addiction I would be willing to help him in anyway I could. I just wish he would be honest and tell me what's going on.

I found out he has a secret e-mail account that one of our friends received a letter from. The friend forwarded the note to me because he wanted me to tell him what was going with my husband. He and this man used to be very good friends but he has severed all ties with all relationships.

I would like to find out his password to his e-mail account to try and figure out what is going on. He has told me many many times over the last few months that he knows that someday we will be together and this is just a phase that he is going through. I would like clarity because if I need to file divorce papers then I can handle that but the unknown is really hard for me to handle.

Please advise me on how to handle this sitution. I will be grateful for what ever you can suggest.

[tickle]

I don't think finding out his password to his e mail account is going to do any good. In any event that is something you should not do for a few reasons. One is called hacking and that is a federal offence.

If this has been going on for months, sweetie, I wouldn't waste my time trying to get back a relationship that sounds just not worth the effort or time.

[aaii]

Ok. For a start, do NOT hack into his email account. I know you desperatly want to know what is going on, but don't give into temptation.

You know what the best thing to do is? Let him go. Let him do what he wants to do. Have absolutely NO CONTACT with him. Let him come back to you.

I know that sounds hard, but personally, I think it's the best thing to do in your case. Take care of your children and carry on with your life. I really think he will come back to you because it sounds like he does still care by that fact that he said he's going through a phase, and that someday you will be back together.

[cerisa]

Men are weird creatures, but predictable. If he has severed all ties, he has done something he is ashamed of. He is trying to save face.
Are your children supportive of you? Family needs to stay intact even if Dad is gone.
I bet he comes back too, with excuses. Hope you are strong enough to make up your mind what YOU want, and see if he fits in that scenario.

[statictable]

From your question it sounds like your in a terrible spot but to work an answer will require more info. Did you see this coming? Has he had any life changes in the past 1 year; health, work, legal, death of friend/family member etc. or have you? Your children are on their own?
Best wishes

[grammadidi]

First of all, I am so sorry that you are dealing with something like this. I'm sure it is very difficult and confusing for you.

I have to agree, much of the advice given above is right on. Leave his email account alone. You will either find out nothing or be deeply hurt. Either way, it's just plain wrong. Don't lower yourself.

He was spending his time drinking in bars. He drove a wedge between himself and his wife and two adult children. He became angry when you attempted to help. He has severed all ties with all relationships. His behaviour is very unpredictable. Sweetie, this man has issues and there is nothing that will help him except himself. In addition, knowing what those issues are will do nothing to save your marriage. He has made it clear that it's over by refusing to open up to you, letting you move out, and eventually by moving out of State himself. Sad as it it, the best thing you can do is let him work out his issues himself.

The situation is only an unknown because you choose to leave it that way. I'm not saying it's wrong, but that is the way it is. I see that you have two choices. Your first choice is that you can sit and wait for him and maybe he will come back one day. In the meantime you are prevented from moving on, creating a life for yourself without him that possibly you would allow him to re-enter one day (or possibly not - you may find someone who loves you enough to share his problems and trials with you to work on them as a team). The other choice is to move on with your life, file for divorce and create that new life that I spoke of above.

Don't waste your life trying to figure out why. One day you will realize that the why is not as important as the fact that he has done this to you. He is likely not a horrible man if you had a good life for almost 26 years. However, for whatever reason, he is right now. Respect yourself, love yourself, treat yourself the way he should be. If it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, I really believe you deserve to be as happy as you are able.

I am curious to know what your children think of all this.

Hugs, Didi

[tiredoflies]

Thank you so much for so many positivel suggestions! I really needed to hear what everyone is saying. I know that I should not even think about hacking into his e-mail account but out of desperation wanted to figure something out.

The hardest problem that I am having to deal with now is, both of my children (daughter is 23 and son is 25 are getting married. My son will be getting married on November 24 and my daughter will be getting married on December 22.

He had always been giving me money for expenses but not that he has moved which was my fear he has only been giving me small amounts. I pay all bills that we accumilated as a couple. I am having to tap into the wedding money to pay bills! He makes good money and should not be neglecting his financial obligations. I know that a divorce would help to solve a lot of this but I was trying to hold off until after the weddings.

Some one ask how my children felt and they are disgusted with their Dad. I have not ever talked bad about him to them because he is their Dad and I didn't want to bring our problems into their lives. They are very disgusted with him. They are both very smart and have very good values and he has really hurt both of them with him selfish behavior.

Thank you so much for letting me talk about this. It feels so good to get input about my life because I don't talk to anyone about any of this and at times I get very depressed. I was seeing a therapist for awhile but just felt that it wasn't really going any where.

Thanks for all of the wonderful information. Please give me more!

[grammadidi]

Get yourself to a lawyer right away! You must file for support and get legal advice on the bills that were accumulated as a couple. There is no way you should be carrying that load on your own! You don't need a divorce to resolve these financial issues. If this man is earning good money then he needs to take care of his obligations.

If you know how to contact him I would straight up call him and tell him you need money due to both of his children's wedding expenses. They are both of your children, not just yours. If he has private issues with your children, that is none of your concern. The fact is that you require help and he should be the one to help.

As far as your therapist goes... sometimes the type of therapy isn't a good fit, sometimes you just weren't ready for the therapy and sometimes the therapist just isn't one that you can work with. There is nothing wrong with either talking to your therapist and stating your needs and the opinion that it isn't going where you need it to. If they aren't able to offer what you need, they should have no problem referring you to another therapist that might be better suited, or ask your family doctor for a referral. You may want to do some research on different therapy alternatives to determine which would work best for you.

I would also speak to your children and explain your financial situation. I believe the best thing would be for you to have no secrets. Secrets caused the marital breakdown - don't let them destroy your relationship with your children. Tell them that you are struggling and won't be able to help out the way you had hoped to. I'm sure they will understand. Communication is very important, as you probably have learned as a result of your marital breakdown.

Vent anytime here, and feel free to ask for advice. Good luck!

Hugs, Didi