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bummedout4 · Oct 14, 2007, 07:24 PM

Will this make her think about what she has done and how she has treated me? Because now she is not thinking about any consquences because I am still here, waiting and she knows it.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 14, 2007, 07:43 PM

I don't know, but what difference does it make? She has moved on. Telling her this is not going to make her change her mind. This is what you are still trying to do, make her see the error of her ways make her fel gulty for leaving you.
She wants to move on and she is doing it. You need to move on.

bummedout4 · Oct 14, 2007, 08:58 PM

OK well we talked, she has been dating that guy for 2 weeks now. She said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Well too late for that, my feelings have been hurt for 5 weeks. She said she doesn't want to lose me in her life, she still cares about me and loves me but isn't "in love" with me. She says she doesn't know about anything and if she is making the right decsions but doing what she feels is right for now. She wasn't happy with our relationship and I guess this guy is new and makes her feel happy for now. She even says that she could be making a big mistake but doesn't know. So I told her what I felt, I want to be with her and I would do anything to make it work between us but she doesn't feel that right now. So basically we are done, she still wants me around as a friend, after 4 yrs she still likes to talk to me and cares about me but I told her I don't see her as a friend and don't know if I can do it right now. I told her she can call me when she wants, whether I will answer I don't know, but I am not going to call her because its too hard for me. Well its hard for me to accept she is with somebody else, seems like a rebound so who knows how long it will last. I feel really bad right now, but hopefully knowing will ease my mind instead of wondering and assuming everything. I told her I hope she realizes what she is doing and what she is missing out and that I hope she find what she is looking for. One day that may be me again, but who knows. She is so confused about her future that she doesn't even know what she wants. So I guess I have no choice but to move on. I thank everyone for their advice. I hope she will realize that I am who she really wants one day, but by then I hope to have moved on and found someone better. I really do love her and it really hurts so I don't know what to do now, but I am trying my best to go on. I thank you all for your support.

Sad Soul · Oct 14, 2007, 10:27 PM

The part about her saying that she may be making a mistake, etc, is something that most ex's say. Don't listen, even though she is telling you the truth. Don't listen because it will distract you. And remember she has been seeing someone for two weeks without even telling you.

Don't listen! I am telling you that she only needs you as a "back-up-plan" friend. And no she will never realize that you are the one because you sound like a dog to her right now. She's not literally thinking this, but trust me that she feels that you are like a dog who will "sit" at her command.

You have to show that you are a strong man, and you have to focus. You want to do this right remember!

You have to do all the great things people helped list out for you (in order to improve yourself) and you have to INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT IT, actually start doing it. The hardest part is actually starting. What have you got to lose? And if you have to fake being happy when you go out or if you have to really kick yourself in the as$ to get going to the gym, then do it because it will speed up the healing process. JUST DO IT! Enough talk and more action.

Good luck and you will in my prayers. My heart goes out to you.

bummedout4 · Oct 15, 2007, 05:49 AM

Thanks sad, I know I have to start doing and no more talking. I feel like I am starting over after 5 weeks of this and it hurts today really bad. Well I wasn't feeling any better the past few weeks because all that was going through my head were assumptions about her with that new guy and my false hope. So at least now I know, I think she is making a mistake but she has to be the one to realize this. I know the only way that she will, is if I move on, do not talk to her and make it clear to her that I am not here as a back up plan. I don't know how long it will take me to actually start feeling better about myself because it kind of feels like she didn't see enough in me to keep trying and she would rather be with someone else, and that hurts my self-esteem and confidence. I do hope one day she will realize the mistake she made and if at that time I still care for her, we will see what happens, but I know this is probably a long ways away if ever. She is going through a lot of her own issues right now and she needs time to figure these out, I wish she would take the time to herself to find what she truly wants instead of jumping back into a relationship with someone but I guess we all have to find ourselves in our own way. She will realize this new guy is not who she really wants, I am pretty sure about that, but when she does it may be too late. I thank you all for your support, I will need it in the coming weeks and months.

smoothy · Oct 15, 2007, 06:03 AM

Just think, if you had taken our advice at the beginning you would be halfway to getting over her rather than just getting started.

As it is you are only giving her all the power, and basically handing her your gonads.

She isn't interested in what you think, therefore you are wasting your time either caring what she thinks, ir trying to change her mind.

You would better off teaching a pig to sing and dance. You have a better chance of doing that.

bummedout4 · Oct 15, 2007, 06:05 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

Just think, if you had taken our advice at the beginning you would be halfway to getting over her rather than just getting started.

Very True, I never doubted anyone's advice, just my ability to actually let go. Now I have no choice.

smoothy · Oct 15, 2007, 06:12 AM

Originally Posted by bummedout4

Very True, I never doubted anyone's advice, just my ability to actually let go. Now I have no choice.

Well, better late than never... at least now you can start moving on with your life. And use this experience in a positive manner. By learning from it.

Remember, when life gives you lemons... make lemonade.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 15, 2007, 06:51 AM

You will be fine, but what you need to stop doing is hoping she will see that she has lost something good. That kind of thinking will keep her on your mind.
What YOU need to realize is that this time with her was a stage in your life, and it could very well be that you two were not the ones for each other. She made the right decision for her. That does not mean there was anything wrong with you, but you are not the one for her. Let her go totally, do be thinking "someday she will realize" Get in the mindset that it is over and it is time for the next phase of your life.
I wish you well.

bummedout4 · Oct 15, 2007, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You will be fine, but what you need to stop doing is hoping she will see that she has lost something good. That kind of thinking will keep her on your mind.
What YOU need to realize is that this time with her was a stage in your life, and it could very well be that you two were not the ones for each other. She made the right decision for her. That does not mean there was anything wrong with you, but you are not the one for her. Let her go totally, do be thinking "someday she will realize" Get in the mindset that it is over and it is time for the next phase of your life.
I wish you well.

Thanks homegirl, I appreciate the words of support. I know I have to become a better person all around and then things will fall into place. Whether she is in my life again down the road or not is out of my hands, all I can do is be the best person I can be. It is hard to start this journey but with some time and support I feel that I will be on my way.

madaman · Oct 15, 2007, 09:24 AM

So we are finally at 'that' point. Im sorry you had to find out about what she was doing, it's the main reason we all recommended serious NC from the start. You are back to day 1 healing again but at least this time, I hope you take it serious.

You need to stop thinking about her coming back. Let that thought go forever. And why would you want her back after what she just put you through? She kept you on a leash while she tested the waters with another guy. That should make you feel horrible and never want to talk to her again.

Don't answer your phone if she calls, don't email her back, don't talk to her, period. She is getting over you with a new guy, its your turn to get over her.

And seriously stop talking about her being in your life later down the road. It is like you are adding little 'clauses' to all your posts, but those little clauses will NEVER let you heal. Right now you are probably thinking of all the things that you can do to improve yourself that would make her fall back in love with you. This is the WRONG approach. Do these things to improve yourself to find someone better than her, and to be happy with yourself.

Good luck, its going to be hell for a while but if you keep at it you will be better.

bummedout4 · Oct 15, 2007, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by madaman

So we are finally at 'that' point. Im sorry you had to find out about what she was doing, its the main reason we all recommended serious NC from the start. You are back to day 1 healing again but at least this time, I hope you take it serious.

You need to stop thinking about her coming back. Let that thought go forever. And why would you want her back after what she just put you through? She kept you on a leash while she tested the waters with another guy. That should make you feel horrible and never want to talk to her again.

Dont answer your phone if she calls, dont email her back, dont talk to her, period. She is getting over you with a new guy, its your turn to get over her.

And seriously stop talking about her being in your life later down the road. It is like you are adding little 'clauses' to all your posts, but those little clauses will NEVER let you heal. Right now you are probably thinking of all the things that you can do to improve yourself that would make her fall back in love with you. This is the WRONG approach. Do these things to improve yourself to find someone better than her, and to be happy with yourself.

Good luck, its going to be hell for a while but if you keep at it you will be better.

Thanks a lot , I know I need to stop thinking of her coming back and realizing she made a mistake. I just wish I could block it out of my head. Even through all she has put me through recently, I still love her and I am not so much mad at her, although I probably should be. She is in a tough time right now and I just don't understand why she would want to push me away when it seems like she needs me most. But that is her decision and she will have to live with it. I do not want to help her to move on with this other guy she is dating and I know if we talk, she will still feel that I am here no matter what. So I thank you for your thoughts, I will need all the luck I can get and I hope to be better really soon. Its really tough and I know I would probably be even more lost and devastated w/out this site and all of you.

talaniman · Oct 15, 2007, 10:58 AM

I will need all the luck I can get

Its not luck you need, but allow yourself to vent that anger your holding back, so you can move past the last bit of denial. You are mad at yourself and her and rightfully so, start absolute no contact, and get to a gym, or park, and work your A$$ off.

bummedout4 · Oct 15, 2007, 01:32 PM

So I mean is this really the end? What does it mean when she says she still cares about me and loves me? I mean I have read posts of people coming back to one another after months or even years apart and dating other people. How do I get that last hope out of my head, because to be honest I am thinking about that. Maybe now she needs to do this, and it may turn out good for me as well, but I just wish I knew if we would have a chance again. Well its my first real day of healing and I know more to come. Its been a long, emotional day and I expect it to be the same for some time. I can't get her out of my head and it just really hurts. As much as I want to hear her voice or see her one last time, I know this is not the right thing to do. Thanks for sticking with me this long, its been a long 5 weeks and I know you have all done the best you can for me. I appreciate it very much. Thank you all again. I am sure I will be on here for a weeks and months to come.

Sad Soul · Oct 15, 2007, 01:53 PM

She will see how you are worse off now, so what's the point in going back to you if you are even worse than when she decided to break up with you?

Sad Soul · Oct 15, 2007, 01:57 PM

You have fifty pages of this post going on, yet you don't have any real advancements in terms of health. I wish you would pop in and talk about how you've improved everyday or about your social life or about the gym or something, instead of being at the same spot you were fifty pages ago.

This is a choice you're making.

bummedout4 · Oct 15, 2007, 02:08 PM

I don't want to be in the same spot , trust me. Its just up until yesterday I had this hope and feeling that things would be OK in time. Now I have a clearer picture as to what she is thinking, she obvoiusly wants to see what happens with someone else and doesn't love me enough to want to work things out now. I wish I felt better, I wish I didn't feel like this and that I was moving on and being productive with my life. This is something new for me and I don't know where to turn. You have all been great and given me great advice and slowly but surely I am trying to take it and get on with my life. Its just hard to let go and accept that this person who I love and looked at as my future, doesn't see that anymore. Where the future takes her and me I have no idea and its scary to think that she is gone. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will try to heal and do something positive, but I don't know when I will be truly ready to let go and put her and us in the past. I hope soon, because its really affecting my life.

madaman · Oct 15, 2007, 02:46 PM

Until you accept that there is no future with her, you won't start healing. That is what we have been trying to tell you. Her stance on the situation should be very clear to you now that you know she is dating someone else. The only reason she is saying she still wants to be friends/talk is because she is using you for emotional support while she is with another guy. She is using you and that should be enough to start making you angry enough to not talk to her again.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 15, 2007, 03:01 PM

I think the only reason she wants to keep in touch is because she knows you feel bad and are not moving on. She feels bad that you're not getting past this.
She is not the one for you. Be glad that this has been discovered now instead of a couple of years into a marriage.
Take some classes, do something that you have wanted to do for a while but never had the time.

bummedout4 · Oct 15, 2007, 03:34 PM

Hey guys thanks a lot for sticking with me. I know I have probably been a tough and stubborn student. Well I talked to my dad today when I got home and he had some good advice and perspective that made me feel beter and to realize that this is a good time for this time apart. She needs to grow up and mature and so do I to an extent. Well anywyas, I may have an opportunity to go to Costa Rica for 4-5 days to see my family, and oddly enough I would be leaving on my ex's birthday. If I do end up going, do I just call her to say happy birthday? Do you think that by me not even being around on her birthday, she will feel some sort of void, since we have celebrated the past 4 bdays together? Well I just thought that was quite a coincidence. Well I will keep you all updated, thanks.