[daydreamer]

Here is my dilemma, I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years and we’ve lived together for 1.5 out of those years. At the beginning of our relationship I wasn’t sure that he was the one for me but he loved me so much and everything about him was exactly what I needed; he wanted to spend all his time with me, wanted all the same things in life; the house, marriage and eventually kids. Everything about him was so good that I listened to my head instead of my heart because my heart had led me wrong so many times before. I wasn’t all that physically attracted to him but we always had a great time hanging out together we got along wonderfully and laughed a lot. I thought that was the important thing and in time the physical stuff would just come along later. For a while it almost seemed like it did.
But then he started to show his possessive jealous nature, he would call me over and over again if I was out without him, or just spending time with a friend or family, he would become moody if I didn’t focus all my time and attention on him. We would fight constantly, when we drank things got so bad that I would become so frustrated with him I would hit him and he would retaliate, he never actually struck me but I would be covered in bruises from where he held me down or pushed me away, we would say horrible things to each other and he would do things that I felt like he would do just to assert his dominance over me, like taking all the blankets from around the house so that I would have nothing to sleep with. Nothing excuses my behavior, in no circumstances should I have hit him but I would feel so helpless that I would lash out like that. Eventually the police did become involved and he was arrested and charged with assault. I was never charged even though I do feel I was at fault. Since then however he has been through some therapy, and we have managed to get the charges sorted out and we continue to live together.
During that whole ordeal all I wanted more than anything was have him back and build a life with him, I felt like I would die if we couldn’t be together.
After the therapy and everything he went through I noticed a huge difference in his behavior, he doesn’t try to control me anymore, but sometimes I see glimpses of the controlling guy that he was, but he has admitted he has a problem and is really trying very hard to not let those controlling tendencies resurface, overall things have been pretty peaceful and we have found better ways of telling each other how we feel.
However its 2.5 years after we met and I after all that we went through I’m less attracted to him that I have ever been, I don’t understand it because he is not all that unattractive and although I am attractive I am no Barbie doll myself. Sex between us is a chore for me I often just go through the motions and disassociate to get through it. When we kiss, there is no spark, no sweet taste of chemistry. When we hug I don't want to let him go but when he touches me in a more than friends way, I just want to pull away. He says he feels the chemistry and the spark for me and that he loves me completely and is so attracted to me, how can he feel all of that and I don’t’?
I often fantasize about leaving him and starting a new life but every time I have a chance to, I back down. I look at his face and into his eyes and I can’t do it. I know I’m not doing him any favours by staying, and that my reasons for staying are selfish reasons, I don’t want to be alone, I like having him to care about me, I like the life we have together, but I am also truly concerned that I would be making a mistake if I leave him. This is not the first time I have had a serious relationship and ended up feeling this way, there is one relationship in particular that I regret throwing away, my ex will never forgive me for what happened between us and I can never go back to him. I honestly don’t want this relationship to end in that way and for me to realize after the fact that I truly love him and not be able to have him back. I don’t think I could stand putting myself in that position again.
But then on the other hand am I robbing myself of my chance to be happy with someone else, or even just alone?
When he goes away I miss him horribly. I love having him around to talk to. He has become my best friend and we have been through so much together.
I know I have the strength inside to leave him I will just loose so much if I do. Should I stay with him because of our friendship and our potential to be successful together? Is that more important than physical attraction?

[crushedovernover]

Physical attraction only last so long.. When your 50 and he is 50 you both won't be so attractive. Think about how he has stuck by your side and been a good man to you, Love is a choice that one makes.

[daydreamer]

Physical attraction only last so long.. When your 50 and he is 50 you both wont be so attractive. Think about how he has stuck by your side and been a good man to you, Love is a choice that one makes.

That’s what I thought too, but doesn't he deserve to be with someone who doesn't want to pull away from him when he touches them? ‘Love is a choice’ is something that I tell myself a lot, but should I stay with him just because he has been good to me? Is that really fair to either of us?

[Wondergirl]

want to pull away from him when he touches [me]

If that's how you really feel, then move on. Make a clean cut with no "friends forever" promises. He will survive, and you will too. He deserves someone who appreciates and desires his touch.

[daydreamer]

Over the past few days I made my decision to break up with him, and last night I did. But as soon as I did I immediately regretted it and told him I will go see a councillor and keep trying. I was so sure that I wanted to end it but when it came down to it I was filled with doubts again. I really do love this guy and we have had some amazing times together. One thing that is defiantly holding me back from ending for good it is that I know once its over and we move out of our apartment there is no going back. He is not the kind of guy that wouldn't open up his heart to me again after something like that.
Why do I keep going back and forth on this? I was so sure yesterday and now all I see is the good aspects of our relationship.
There was a time a few weeks ago that I told him how I feel about the physical attraction and right after I did, something changed in me and we had the most amazing sex, I could really feel the connection between us, but then that night I had a dream about the ex I mentioned before and by the day after that connection was completely gone again.
I know that only I can decide what I want, but I am so confused as to why one day I can feel something so strongly and the next its just gone, and why one day I can be so sure that its over and the next so uncertain.