[Gingerkid52]

I first posted here a couple of weeks ago with regards to my boyfriend of almost a year. In a nutshell, he was my best friend, we did everything together but after a row one day he upped and vanished, saying he needed time….to sort his head out and decide what he wanted from life…he informed me of this by a text message….saying he needed “at least a few weeks of no contact” to sort himself out.

We are now three weeks in, and I have made no attempts to get in touch – I didn’t even reply to his text message. Only half a dozen times have I actually wanted to contact him, but I’ve always got over the idea in about ten minutes. I’ve done very well, and clearly am a lot stronger than I’d ever have imagined.

I’ve gone through every emotion you can possibly imagine, but have been able to pull myself together. I’ve been out with friends, for meals, cinema, gigs etc and have managed to survive. I’ve found my independence again, and having talked it all out with my closest friends and mum, I’ve realised that I wasn’t the one in the wrong. He had an amazing ability to blame me for every single problem in the relationship (which really just was him being selfish and wanting to do what he wanted when he wanted, with little if any consideration for me or my feelings

In two days time, it will be a month since I saw him, and next weekend will be a month since I received That text message.

The predicament I’m in now, is where to go next? He still has a number of things belonging to me, I’ve a few of his things too, and I am unsure of what to do. Some friends have warned me he may just never get back in touch, and that I am going to have to make the first move if I want to finally get some closure.

The thing is, why should I contact him? HE was the one who asked for this time apart, so why should I chase him up now, even if it is just for closure. Part of me refuses to make that move. He thought he was in control from the start, but now I know for a fact that if this is a “man” who had to run away from his problems by sending a text message, that finally growing a spine and picking up the phone will be incredibly hard for him. I want him to suffer that worry because he deserves it.

I also think that if I make contact will that make me look weak and needy, like I’ve been waiting around for him?

The problem is, I WILL need some closure on this at some point. I miss him still like crazy and I do feel like I’ve lost the love of my life, but I’ve dealt with it since the start that this was the end, we were over….it was the only way I could do it.

What should I do? I’ve certainly got no plans to make a move yet, but should I start to consider contacting him in a week or so, or what? We do need to talk about this….I never had the chance to say a thing to him, and he should not be allowed to just get away with it by sloping off never to be seen again. I know our paths will eventually cross – his sister lives across the road to me – so he can’t run forever.

But I know I also will need closure. What would people suggest?

[Gingerkid52]

Oh come on...

Surely someone has some ideas to help me out here!

[whiteribbon]

Wow - personally I think your amazing to not have contacted him and your very strong - give yourself a big pat on the back for that one! :)

As to contacting him - my opinion would be not to it is after all him that started the whole thing and your totally blameless... so no let him come crawling back and if he doesn't then he wasn't worth your time in the first place... go find someone who has a backbone and who deserves you!

Chin up! Xxxx

[Gingerkid52]

Thanks :)

I must point out that the only real reason I would have for contacting him is that he has some things of mine that I really will need back at some point... things I can't just write off... oh and my house key!

Perhaps I'll wait a few weeks and see what transpires... I could send friends round perhaps but I want closure at the end of the day!

Cheers again.. xx

[Sad Soul]

Let me just say, WOW. I am very impressed that a month has passed and you have not called.

I think you will go down in history as a very strong woman who knows what she deserves.

Trust that when he looks back one day, he will look back in shame. If he doesn't see how pathetic he is now, he will see it as time passes. If he doesn't see it, I'm sure people he tells this story to will tell him he's a freak son of a *****.

I'm amazed by you. Keep up the No Contact, and believe me, that even though you miss him, you're not missing much.

If there is a small chance that he had some reasonable excuse for sending you a text and not being a man about this, then he'll let you know one day right? I mean, if he's a good guy, he'll let you know! So you have nothing to worry about, and hence, you do not need to ever contact him. Do you understand what I mean?

What a jerk! He's not half the person you are. You deserve so much more! Look how strong you are and look how weak he is? Sending you a text!

If you contact him, you will be showing him that despite him leaving you in such a childish and disgusting way, that he still owns your thoughts and heart. Don't give him this satisfaction.

[madaman]

As for the items you need back, is there any chance of a mutual friend who can act as a go between? After a month of no contact and healing, do you think talking to him about anything might make you feel better? You have accepted that its over, sometimes you will never know the 'why'.

[whiteribbon]

Yeah I agree let someone else get your things from him, hell he doesn't even deserve to see you!!
May you continue to be strong - oneday ull look back on this when your happily settled with the lucky man of your future and wonder why you ever cared!! Best of luck and stay in touch and let me know how your doing - hey I might even tell you my story!

[grammadidi]

You have shown an amazing amount of self-respect, strength AND caring for this man. You gave him the space that he asked for in every sense of the word. I believe you when you say that he has belongings of yours that you require, and vice versa. However, after saying that, you wrote about 'closure', etc.

If you know, in fact, that all you want is your belongings then this is what I would do. I would pack up all of his belongings into a box neatly and carefully. I would type up a letter, a very tactfully written letter, pretty much saying that you have done as he asked and given him the space and after a month of no contact you have both changed, grown and moved past the relationship enough to end it in a mature and responsible way. You do realize, however, that it may be awkward or difficult for him to ask for his belongings back, so you have prepared them for him and would appreciate if he would do the same for you. I would then take his belongings over to his sister (who lives across the street from you) and ask her if she would please ensure that these things were passed back to him.

This way, you have no direct contact and, in effect, you are saying it is over. I did consider that you might want to say that in his absence you have discovered that despite your feelings for him that you really don't think there is enough love there for a lasting relationship because you are the kind of person who needs a man who doesn't run away from his problems and who is more of a partner than he was... but, I don't know if this will bring you closure or start the ball rolling for a discussion or hurt feelings. I think I would just leave it alone, and get your closure in the fact that you were the first one to make the decision that you really don't want this relationship as it is and you maturely returned his belongings to show the end of the relationship, and in a way that offered him respect.

I hope this helps. It IS an awkward situation and I really do think you have been incredibly smart in the way you have dealt with it so far.

Hugs, Didi

[Sad Soul]

You have shown an amazing amount of self-respect, strength AND caring for this man. You gave him the space that he asked for in every sense of the word. I believe you when you say that he has belongings of yours that you require, and vice versa. However, after saying that, you wrote about 'closure', etc.

If you know, in fact, that all you want is your belongings then this is what I would do. I would pack up all of his belongings into a box neatly and carefully. I would type up a letter, a very tactfully written letter, pretty much saying that you have done as he asked and given him the space and after a month of no contact you have both changed, grown and moved past the relationship enough to end it in a mature and responsible way. You do realize, however, that it may be awkward or difficult for him to ask for his belongings back, so you have prepared them for him and would appreciate if he would do the same for you. I would then take his belongings over to his sister (who lives across the street from you) and ask her if she would please ensure that these things were passed back to him.

Excellent! Say everything up till here. Don't say anything emotional. Be mature, strong, and still respectful. This is the most classy letter I think you could leave. :)

I'm actually excited. I can't believe you never contacted him. I don't know who you are, but wow, I'm proud of you!

[Gingerkid52]

Thank...

I live in the UK... believe me its been the hardest three or four weeks of my life but thanks to some amazing friends I'm still here. I'm far from over it, don't get me wrong, in fact today is the first I've cried in a whole week because sometimes I feel so strong, but then other times I just miss him so so much.

The way he went was just so out of character... I thought he was a nice guy, all my friends said he was so nice and genuine but then this all happened and you find yourself asking "did I ever know him at all?" ironically when we argued that day I said he was immature... he certainly proved that!

I would say if he came back tomorrow and said he was sorry etc and wanted to try again I would want to do so... I love the guy and no matter how hard I try, you can't just get over something and switch off. But at the same time how would we ever move on from here... I just don't know... also I've always thought that if you break up, you don't go back... thats how it always is for me.

Thanks all for your advice. I'm not going to do anything just yet I don't think. I've got a big weekend ahead with my work so will probably see how I feel next week.

The advice about getting other people to take things around is good, but I don't know if I may want to confront him in person. Not in an angry way, but part of me feels he's got off with this all scot free and its not on... he's a 30 yr old man, he's not a kid...

Anyway, thanks again... its just about taking each day as it comes... and I can promise I will keep my no contact thing going for a bit longer yet. Hearing people say I'm strong really helps. At least I know in my heart I've done everything correct. Even if the same can't be said for him.

Xxx

[Jiser]

Well if it was me I would contact him and ask him what the hells he playing at. As nothing officially has been said you tell him its over for good and you don't want to here from him again end of. But that's just me and well done for sticking with NC.

[grammadidi]

Well if it was me I would contact him and ask him what the hells he playing at. As nothing officially has been said you tell him its over for good and you dont want to here from him again end of. But thats just me and well done for sticking with NC.

Ummmm, wouldn't that be breaking the NC?? It would show weakness... need... hope... a lack of moving on. I don't think it would be a good idea to make any contact at all... and, while I think my gut reaction would be similar to yours, it brings frustration and anger to the surface, and serves no purpose here. He doesn't love her, and it ended the only way he knew how. Is there ever a RIGHT way?

Hugs, Didi

[Gingerkid52]

Hmm... See this was the problem for me... he swore he DID love me. The last time I saw him (a month tomorrow! ) he cried and said he loved me but felt a bit trapped and needed time. This was after I challenged him as to how the night before he was all over me like normal, telling me how I was the love of his life and everything"....he said he DID love me, but needed time.

I spoke to him the next day via phone and he burst into tears, saying how he had cried all night and much he loved me, i was everything to him, the love of his life, his best friend, the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him......but that he was feeling trapped, and that maybe when i'd accused him of being immature that I was right..He sobbed and sobbed at me and said he wanted time.....then two days later when i text to see how he was (i didn't know what the situation was at this point) he sent the other text about needing no contact for a few weeks to work out what he wanted with his life.

If he'd have said to me "I just don't love you" I could have at least tried to deal with that. Had there been any signs he was unhappy, I could've dealt with that. However try dealing with being told he loves you, you're the most amazing thing that had happened, but he needs time... Thats the hardest part for me. Especially when we only ever argued over one thing - his inconsiderate actions at times and the fact he didn't know how to handle a relationship.

[grammadidi]

I'm sorry... I DO understand how you feel (sheesh, you had ME almost in tears for the guy!) but, there is something inside of me saying that a guy who loves a woman just does NOT say they feel trapped (especially after dating for a year!) or follows the statements "I love you so much; you are everything to me; you are the love of my life/my best friend/the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me" with "I feel trapped" "I need time" and "I need no contact for a few weeks to figure out what I want to do with my life". Well... perhaps a few exceptions that I could think of. I guess if he was married, you were the 'other woman' and he had fallen in love with you he might be going on this way. I also suppose that if he was thinking about marriage to you and it terrified him because of a horrible past experience it might have the same effect. (However, I would think that your mutual friends or family would have an inkling of what was going on, and he wouldn't have been gone this long without contact. Not only that, if he couldn't communicate those fears to you, how solid could your relationship really be?) The only other thing I can imagine is that he fooled around on you and got someone pregnant and is feeling cornered. If that is the case, then, in my opinion, he does NOT love you or he wouldn't BE in that predicament, but that's just my morals and values.

Either way, I think you need to force his hand. If he does, in fact, love you, then your actions should cause him to realize he's taking way too long and he needs to either cut you lose or get on with the act of loving you. I can't imagine someone who loves you leaving you in limbo-land this long!

Of course, the ultimate decision is yours (and a very difficult one it is!). Do you really want a man who runs from his problems instead of working them out with you, though?

Hugs, Didi

Hmm... See this was the problem for me...he swore he DID love me. The last time i saw him (a month tomorrow!!) he cried and said he loved me but felt a bit trapped and needed time. This was after I challenged him as to how the night before he was all over me like normal, telling me how i was the love of his life and everything"....he said he DID love me, but needed time.

I spoke to him the next day via phone and he burst into tears, saying how he had cried all night and much he loved me, i was everything to him, the love of his life, his best friend, the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him......but that he was feeling trapped, and that maybe when i'd accused him of being immature that I was right..He sobbed and sobbed at me and said he wanted time.....then two days later when i text to see how he was (i didn't know what the situation was at this point) he sent the other text about needing no contact for a few weeks to work out what he wanted with his life.

If he'd have said to me "I just don't love you" I could have at least tried to deal with that. Had there been any signs he was unhappy, I could've dealt with that. However try dealing with being told he loves you, you're the most amazing thing that had happened, but he needs time.....Thats the hardest part for me. Especially when we only ever argued over one thing - his inconsiderate actions at times and the fact he didn't know how to handle a relationship.

[Gingerkid52]

Perhaps I don't, no.

WEll at the moment I do, but the more time that passes I find myself thinking "hang on there, if you loved me you would not have just upped and left with a text message, and even if you had done, I think four weeks down the line you would've been in touch"

So now I'm dealing with all sorts of emotions... Did he lie to me saying he loved me? No, I don't think he did, but I think a man who's been on his own since he was young when he was cheated on just really clearly doesn't know how to go about relationships.

I don't believe he fooled around - not sure when he'd have had the chance to as we were always together - even if we did separate things at night we'd generally end up at each others homes just to spend the night together.

The worst part is that he made me feel so so loved and wanted, right up until the day it happened. I felt secure and happy and I seriously thought everything was fine. I've always been very susceptible to people and I was never given any indication that anything was wrong... that said, this was a man after all who tried to end it the first time we rowed ever because he didn't understand that couples argue at times!

For various reasons I think he zapped some of my confidence during the relationship, and its taken these four weeks to realise this. Also he blamed me for everything and since I've talked it out with everyone I know, its become clear that I wasn't.

The scales this morning showed I'm a whole stone lighter than I was four weeks ago, and now I'm just trying to get on with loving myself, or at least trying. Its hard, most days I get up and just exist, and I can only pray I'll get better with time.

What also worries me is that I'm 32, and this man was so reliable and everything - everyone said what a nice guy he was - which was one of the reasons I fell for him... however I now firmly believe if the reliable ones can't actually be relied on at all, I don't see me ever, ever having any faith in men again. That's a scary concept but its what I truly feel.