[Wondergirl]

she is no longer available

You said it right there.

Leave her alone. Don't even try to be friends. That isn't possible with you in the mental state that you're in.

Move on.

[Sad Soul]

Hold on.

She told you that she is happily married. Do not manipulate her by saying you want to be friends, when you're here discussing how you're hoping that her and her husband will have a divorce. What's wrong with that picture? I'll tell you:

When you love someone, you want the best for them. You don't hope that the girl you love will suffer through a divorce. Nah; if you love that person, you let them go. And if they come back to you in an "honest" or "clean" way, then your relationship will be that much better!

But, it's time to stop living in a fantasy, and to start living in reality. The reality is that she is married.

Be mature and do the right thing, and I promise that things will work out in your favor; you will be on a clean road towards finding your soulmate, or you'll instead have, in an "honest" way, she may come back to you. Trust me, that if you do the less selfish thing, that your good energy won't go unnoticed or unrewarded. This is hard, but it's called "being a man".

Be a man.

[chicago95]

I tend to side with Nice1 on this topic. Yes she says she's happily married but how can one be happily married to someone more than 10 years older than her. Plus, as Nice1 answered that maybe she found a comfortable place and decided to stay there after I broke it off. It wasn't the best choice but she tried to move on. Well, guess what, I'm back. I do think there is a glimmer of hope beyond a potential friendship but I will deal with that option later if that comes around. Otherwise, why would she keep e-mailing me and taking my calls? Just recently I had a lapse in e-mailing her and she said she was concerned she had said something out of place since she hadn't heard from me. If someone is happily married, why would they opt to talk for long hours at night, respond to e-mails and even be open to meeting up again? I know I can salvage a friendship out of this but I don't think a possible relationship is completely out of the question in a couple years from now if she think she goofed also.

[Wondergirl]

If she goofed, let her make that decision on her own, working it out with her husband.

Please break contact and allow her that freedom.

[ConfusedandLost]

You know... you cannot convince someone that they are in love with you or that they made a mistake and should be with you. She has to do that on her own... by her own terms. You are placing yourself in a situation that will end very badly. Think about the following:

Say you do "convince" her to leave her husband for you. Everything is all fine and dandy for a year or so. He enters in her life and tries the Same thing you did to get HER back. How do think the chips will fall? She did it for you... she may have feelings for him still, she may feel bad on how things ended up with them. She WILL go back to him... A relationship is like a court of law, if there is a shadow of doubt... guess what... you two will never have that healthy relationship that you deserve. You are building a foundation of deceit and lies... that will crumble.

Why is she contacting you so much? Ummmm you have a lot of time that has lapsed to catch up on.

The following is my advice:

STOP reading into things!!
Look for a friendship and nothing more!
If you can't handle it, leave her alone! Stop living in a fantasy and step into planet reality.

[chicago95]

Let me set the record straight. I'm not trying to convince this girl that she should be with me. I am in full agreement that she needs to decide this on her own. I am not attempting to persuade her by any means. I am very grateful that she is still willing to talk and catch up and let me be a part of her life again. Whether she'll in time realize what she lost remains to be seen. I think it is interesting to note that in our initial e-mails she stated she tried not to think about our past because of the pain... however it is becoming evident she is remembering our past---a goal I was hoping for as I could not bear the thought that she had forgotten all of our good times.

However, answer me this. Why would someone want to catch up with her first love if she was happily married, etc. Why might it not be for the same reason as to find out if there is anything there and whether she might've too made a mistake? Granted, I believe her primary reason would be to come out with a friendship but you have to admit, it is interesting to ponder (even my friends tell me that at least right now, the potential for this to be more someday exists... however microscopic those chances are).

As far as the reality bit, I've never been so connected to life as I am now. If she was not married then maybe I'd side with everyone saying my hopes for a friendship, etc. are fantasy. However, realizing she is married has brought me out of a long slumber on life.

[chicago95]

Hello everyone.

A while ago I threw some questions out there to get feedback on whether to pursue my ex girlfriend of 4 years (college and grad school) who I pushed away some years ago for no good reason. It was totally my fault and I thought I had destroyed any hope of any type of "-ship" occurring. Most told me to not pursue it and to let it go. I couldn't... and listened to my heart. Know what? Since then we've talked more, she's confided in me, had a high end dinner, drinks, and we even came back to my place for a bit and hoped the night would never end. She hadn't changed a bit! While I appreciate the feedback I received, I'm glad I didn't listen to everyone. Following my heart was the best decision I've made in a long time. We are continuing "to go out" again sometime soon and continue to talk and e-mail. And to think, I would've missed out on all of this if I had listened to everyone else. Friendship is secured but this is more than friendship. I know she senses it and also wants more. This time I'm playin' for keeps.

Jim

[kuulski]

CONGRATS JIM! My therapist told me its not good to get toooo much advice. It can cause more of a headache. I was getting allot of advice also allot of it I already knew just didn't want to admit. However there also was some that was very negative and I just didn't think some of the things said applied in my situation. Really nice to hear. Good Luck!

[Socacess]

Hello everyone.

A while ago I threw some questions out there to get feedback on whether to pursue my ex girlfriend of 4 years (college and grad school) who I pushed away some years ago for no good reason. It was totally my fault and I thought I had destroyed any hope of any type of "-ship" occurring. Most told me to not pursue it and to let it go. I couldn't...and listened to my heart. Know what? Since then we've talked more, she's confided in me, had a high end dinner, drinks, and we even came back to my place for a bit and hoped the night would never end. She hadn't changed a bit! While I appreciate the feedback I received, I'm glad I didn't listen to everyone. Following my heart was the best decision I've made in a long time. We are continuing "to go out" again sometime soon and continue to talk and e-mail. And to think, I would've missed out on all of this if I had listened to everyone else. Friendship is secured but this is more than friendship. I know she senses it and also wants more. This time I'm playin' for keeps.

Jim

First of all... you must always follow your heart. What's the worst answer you could've gotten back from her?? NO? Ok, and then that's fine, because at least you made that step forward, instead of keeping it bottled up inside thinking: would have, could have, should have.

I think that you are very lucky that she gave you a chance to come back into her life. Remember that with a lot of communication in a relationship is key, and will keep that relationship flowing.

I wish your relationship all the best!

[smoothy]

Problem is your heart and your brain rarely communicate or agree on things. Following your heart while ignoring your brain has ruined countless lives and wasted lifetimes.

[chicago95]

Hello everyone.

A while ago I threw some questions out there to get feedback on whether to pursue my ex girlfriend of 4 years (college and grad school) who I pushed away some years ago for no good reason. It was totally my fault and I thought I had destroyed any hope of any type of "-ship" occurring. Most told me to not pursue it and to let it go. I couldn't...and listened to my heart. Know what? Since then we've talked more, she's confided in me, had a high end dinner, drinks, and we even came back to my place for a bit and hoped the night would never end. She hadn't changed a bit! While I appreciate the feedback I received, I'm glad I didn't listen to everyone. Following my heart was the best decision I've made in a long time. We are continuing "to go out" again sometime soon and continue to talk and e-mail. And to think, I would've missed out on all of this if I had listened to everyone else. Friendship is secured but this is more than friendship. I know she senses it and also wants more. This time I'm playin' for keeps.

Jim

Did I mention she's been married for about 4 years? I know it's an uphill battle but I'm up for it. Her husband was previously divorced and much older than her. The way I look at is that rat bastard had his chance with his first wife and blew it. So bring it on. I've known her much longer than he and had an incredible evening with her. So, this is where everyone told me to forget and move on. I can't and won't. I was hoping that when I saw her I would feel differently... then it might not be real love. Guess what? I saw her and wanted her even more than ever... so the heart wants what the heart wants. She was basically apart of my family before I broke it off after 4 years and she definitely misses that and remembers much of our past.

Anyone want to change their response knowing this info?

[smoothy]

You know HER side of the story, not his. Trust me, I've been there before and by the time it was over I actually sympathized with the poor man.

[Ronit Baras]

I think it is very hard to send such a question in a forum like this.
People answer based on their beliefs, fears, upbringing, culture.
No one knows what is the "right" thing to do, because there is no right thing to do. Life is a game of guessing, we always make a choice (from so many options) and hope that they will come out to be good for us. In that sense, you're always doing the right choice!
We are not fortune tellers, we never know the outcome of what we're doing, we "guess" what will be the best for us, sometimes we are right, sometimes we are not.
I believe following your heart is the only formula that is closer to your truth. Remember, your truth is yours only and it is your greatest asset.
When you asked the question, you needed help to decide, well, everyone answering you, helped you decide to go and see her, so you should thank them! (even if you didn't like what they wrote, they helped you by writing what was true to them - many times the things we don't like are a great help for our growth)

Good luck in your new love, keep it going and next time, listen to your heart too.

Ronit
Life Coaching - Be Happy in LIFE

[chicago95]

Against most. Recs. I contacted my old ex-girlfriend who is now married for about 4 years. I pushed her away for stupid reasons that I explained to her (lack of tanning, etc). I knew she was THE ONE and after we saw each other again she also knew I was THE ONE for her. She feels stuck in her marriage as it has not been good for many years. He takes her to appointments, cooks, and cleans---a glorified roommate. But that's it. (Did I mention he's much older than her and previously divorced) Anyway, things have gone so well over the past 3 months with our "dates" that he's since caught on and put limits on our phone calls and IM. Where we once talked for hours (3-4 hours) and flirted, we have sometimes only half that time or less. She doesn't like it... I definitely do not like it. She's told me she feels toward me and I to her. It is love and always has been even after 8 years. So, how long do I have to expect until she leaves her marriage? I don't think she'll be the one who calls it because she doesn't want to be the one who ends it. I think it more likely that he will get fed up and leave.. but how long?Wouldn't you think that if your wife was talking right up to the curfew with her ex that she wasn't into you and that this isn't working? This relationship has progressed much faster than I ever thought it would but it's killing me waiting for her. She and I are in the prime of our life with everything in common and want to be together if it wasn't for her marriage... which is just a shell for the most part. How long?

Thoughts?

[red_cartoon]

Please don't get me wrong. Are you sure you will not push her away again for stupid reasons ( as you said ) if you get her back. Consider this. She will have to break a marriage to get back to you.

[chicago95]

Please don't get me wrong. Are you sure you will not push her away again for stupid reasons ( as you said ) if you get her back. Consider this. She will have to break a marriage to get back to you.

400% positive I won't push her away. I dated her for 4 years and never stopped thinking of her in grad. School and even now. She also admitted she always thought of me too. I know what I've lost and nothing can change the way I feel toward her. She's even more beautiful in every way now than even then. Hard to believe I know but it's true. She even said she feels there is a "higher" reason for me coming back into her life than just to apologize for how bad I hurt her. I feel the same way. So much in common re: like/dislikes, 12 years of history... she still remembered our anniversary of when we first went out! Crazy! She and I never thought we'd be in this situation but here we are. She said she wasn't even really looking for marriage when she got married and felt I was never coming back into her life so got married. So no, I'm so changed from being hung up on little tiny flaws that nothing would cause me to push her away ever again. Nobody is perfect and I accept that--although she's perfect in my eyes. So many little things I miss about her when we're together.

[BMI]

To be honest I would stop communicating to her. IF she wants you back and is willing to give up her marriage than it will happen. To me, her husband is not being treated fairly, if she loves you and wants you back than she should tell him and do it. Making him limit your calls and putting this in his head is just not right, if you back off then its HER decision and you can rest easy knowing that.

To me, it sounds as if it plotting and scheming behind his back, how would u feel?

[red_cartoon]

I think BMI got a good point here. How would you feel if you were the husband in this story.

I understand what you are going through right now. I am also in a similar but less complex situation right now. May be you are very emotional, stressed and tensed right now. Very prone to making wrong judgments. I can't tell you what to do now, since I am also in a similar problem and like you I am also looking for a solution. But one thing I can tell you is, please keep your head cool. Do not do anything that makes the situation more complex.

[Ash123]

Against most. recs. I contacted my old ex-girlfriend who is now married for about 4 years. I pushed her away for stupid reasons that I explained to her (lack of tanning, etc).

"Lack of tanning?" was one of the reasons you pushed her away?

[chicago95]

"Lack of tanning?" was one of the reasons you pushed her away?

Yes, (gulp) stupid stuff like the fact that she didn't tan, etc... stupid pointless stuff. This is too much to delve into here but yes, sad to say... I was not in the right frame of mind then. She knew it and we parted... but the parting lasted too long. I should've called her. Both she and I can't eat nor sleep much since getting back together. She's not happy in her marriage. At times she tells me someone will cross my path... that we have to be friends... yet she tells me her marriage is a shell but she is committed to her word. What do I have to do to convey to her to leave. I know it has to be her decision but if she never decides how wrong is that? I'm terrified of what will happen if we actually talk about all this because I am certain I can't deal hearing her say she can't leave her marriage. Fortunately, it's early in our relationship and maybe later this won't ever even be a choice for her. I'm hopin' her older husband will get a clue and leave. Otherwise, I'm so dead. I have never encountered anything in life so hard as this. How to deal with knowing that what you lost was so incredibly rare and you may never get it back. I've tried to move on but over the past 5 years haven't been able to. She and I both think there has to be a reason for us coming together and again... and not just to apologize. I hope to heavens she's right because, if I not, I don't know when I'll hit bottom if ever. I've tried to see my life without her and it is not one I want. It's dark and bleak, empty and sad. I've lived that for too long. I cannot and will not go back.

BTW, I'm in the right frame of mind. I've never seen things clearer.

Thoughts now?