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troubled in Greenville · Oct 1, 2007, 08:02 AM

OK everyone, I need all the input on this I can get.
I'm involved with a man, (for 2 years) and he cannot seem to make time for me.
He has 2 small children, ages 7 & 4, and they live with their mother, 2 hours away. I have no children. I met the children 3 weeks after we started dating, which retrospectivley, was too soon. But we were so excited about our new relationship and the prospect of new love!
Boy, have things changed! My boyfriend, age 41, gets his children every weekend, every holiday and the entire Summer. We both are professional and work long hours, leaving no time for "us". I began complaining about this, and resisting the every weekend visits early into the relationship. We have broken up before, but the break-up didn't last due to me practically begging him to come back to me. I love him, and his children, but I feel like he and I need some time for "our" relationship to develop before I become a co-parent.
And I say co-parent, almost jokingly, because anytime I have any comment on the children's behavior, (that is not full of praise), or his parenting skills (also not full of praise), I get kicked to the curb! He is ultra-defensive, and will be angry at me for days anytime I speak up. He says I don't understand what it's like to be a parent, and I don't. But I am very caring, I'm a RN, but a strong disciplinarian too, since my father works for the Marine Corps.
This relationship is wearing me down, and making me loose my self-worth because I'm always the bad guy because I want time for me too!
HELP!

talaniman · Oct 1, 2007, 12:49 PM

After reading this posts and your other ones I can't see this relationship making you happy, as you two are in different worlds, and he has too much baggage to change his behavior. From what you have written you don't work together well, at all. Sorry I think you would be happier with some one who cares for you, much more than he does.

chuff · Oct 2, 2007, 05:42 PM

I can't believe you would actually tell a father with limited time with his children that he must actually make less time for them. Sorry but that's a deal breaker from a male's point of view.

troubled in Greenville · Oct 5, 2007, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by chuff

I can't believe you would actually tell a father with limited time with his children that he must actually make less time for them. Sorry but that's a deal breaker from a male's point of view.

That's the problem! I know how important his time with his kids are, but where am I suppose to fit in the picture? After all, I believe custody arrangements are made for equitable distribution of time between parents. His ex has moved on with her life, she travels, has a boyfriend, goes to concerts, etc. all on her "free weekends" which we never have.
I struggle with not making this "all about me". But where is the time to make a relationship work when you work 5 days a week, and have children every weekend, that are not your kids? Shouldn't we be able to have a "couple life" too?

talaniman · Oct 6, 2007, 05:19 AM

Maybe at this point in time he is not able to be relationship material to you. How can you expect him to put his own children, before a girlfriend? The problem is you feel he should give more, and right now he doesn't have more to give. Another red flag here is that you two can't work together to solve this problem, to the benefit of both of you. You cannot and should not come between him and his children. If you don't fit in his life, you can't force it. Sorry, but neither of you fit very well together, at this time.

Chery · Oct 6, 2007, 05:36 AM

I think you are not happy and only you can change this. He is not going to give up time with his kids and he will not let you interfere in raising them... So I suggest that you find someone more compatible with you and your needs.

If there is a military base near where you live, check out some of the available men there... I too was raised with a military background and it is hard to adjust and find someone on the 'civilian' side with the same interests and ideals.

You deserve to be happy and should not give up your self-respect for someone who obviously messed up once or he would still be with his entire family. Don't be a temporary babysitter or fill-in for his lonely bed.
Babysitters get paid and don't have much to say about raising kids, but when their job is done, they go home and enjoy their free time. If you cannot enjoy your free time - it is time to re-assess your priorities.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

Sad Soul · Oct 7, 2007, 05:46 AM

You seem to be rationalizing why he should limit his time with his children, when he already has a limited time with his children anyway.

I'm sorry, but behavior like that will get you kicked to the curb over and over again when it comes to telling a man you don't want as much weekend visists from his children... In fact, I'm shocked you're back in the picture. Please do this man a favor and let him find a woman who is more understanding of the fact that he has children. You have shown that you are not this type. Find someone else.

Now, it's okay to want the children limited in the picture BUT this is only okay when you are actually in a relationship that is like that! So go find one like that to make yourself happy...