[talaniman]

if she is wanting me to stay around in case she changes her mind.

This sticks in my craw more than anything else you have written.

[bummedout4]

This sticks in my craw more than anything else you have written.

I am not saying that I am sticking around for her to change her mind. I want to know if she is the one expecting me to be waiting around for her as soon as she decides she doesn't want someone else or to come back to me. Because I want her to know that she could lose me forever and to think about if she really wants that.

[Sad Soul]

i am not saying that i am sticking around for her to change her mind. i want to know if she is the one expecting me to be waiting around for her as soon as she decides she doesnt want someone else or to come back to me. because i want her to know that she could lose me forever and to think about if she really wants that.

Yep. You have to show her the consequences of her decision. So far you were showing zero consequences because even if she leaves you and goes with someone else, in the back of her mind, she knows she can just come back whenever she pleases. (She doesn't actually sit there and plan this out, but this in unconsciously what you've helped her feel).

Again, the worst thing you can do is ask her questions about wanting you, still loving you, giving it another chance, or whether she is dating another guy. Because if she is not talking, it means she is NOT READY to decide anything. Stop trying to make yourself more comfortable through making her uncomfortable. Her job is not to make you feel okay and to go to bed more easily. She has not been put on this earth to feed your emotional needs, especially when she says she is thinking she wants "out". Whatever decision she makes, you have to end things with saying "okay, we had some great times together, and you know I love you and wish things were different, but I want to respect your decision. I also don't want to make it any harder to move on, so i think it's best we part and go our seperate ways." And show maturity. Make sure the last impression is the best and that it is something to think about.

Someone said this on my thread and I think it's gold to tell an ex who wants out of the relationship, "We can't be friends right now because I feel that we had more than friendship, so maybe someday when we're both ready we can be friends".

Those two lines, if she ever comes out and tells you that she has finally decided it's over, will put your mind at ease. You know why? Because you won't worry about thinking, "well should i tell her or remind her that I love her? I mean the No Contact could make her think I'm not trying...etc..." --> you won't have to worry about thinking any of that. They tell her the most important key messages: that you love her, that she is the one deciding to call it quits, and that you are not in her life from now on.

Anyway, remember what I said about this only being a "right now" situation. Right now you two are apart. But no one knows what the future holds.

So because you can't control this situation right now, why don't you focus on the things you can control instead? Like all the things you're suppose to do to better yourself. Those things are in your hands, and not hers. So let's see what you do!

[bummedout4]

Yep. You have to show her the consequences of her decision. So far you were showing zero consequences because even if she leaves you and goes with someone else, in the back of her mind, she knows she can just come back whenever she pleases. (She doesn't actually sit there and plan this out, but this in unconsciously what you've helped her feel).

Again, the worst thing you can do is ask her questions about wanting you, still loving you, giving it another chance, or whether she is dating another guy. Because if she is not talking, it means she is NOT READY to decide anything. Stop trying to make yourself more comfortable through making her uncomfortable. Her job is not to make you feel okay and to go to bed more easily. She has not been put on this earth to feed your emotional needs, especially when she says she is thinking she wants "out". Whatever decision she makes, you have to end things with saying "okay, we had some great times together, and you know I love you and wish things were different, but I want to respect your decision. I also don't want to make it any harder to move on, so i think it's best we part and go our seperate ways." And show maturity. Make sure the last impression is the best and that it is something to think about.

Someone said this on my thread and I think it's gold to tell an ex who wants out of the relationship, "We can't be friends right now because I feel that we had more than friendship, so maybe someday when we're both ready we can be friends".

Those two lines, if she ever comes out and tells you that she has finally decided it's over, will put your mind at ease. You know why? Because you won't worry about thinking, "well should i tell her or remind her that I love her? I mean the No Contact could make her thing I'm not trying...etc..." --> you won't have to worry about thinking any of that.

Anyway, remember what I said about this only being a "right now" situation. Right now you two are apart. But no one knows what the future holds.

So because you can't control this situation right now, why don't you focus on the the things you can control instead? Like all the things you're suppose to do to better yourself. Those things are in your hands, and not hers. So let's see what you do!

Thanks sad, well said.

[star3114]

You know, you can't live your live waiting on other people. If you do, you will lead a very empty life. It is high time that you realized the potential of this situation. You have the ability to reinvent yourself, this a fresh start. All of the other things that you wanted to do with the ex and never did, you can do those now for someone else. I know you have a past, but so does everyone else... but not everyone that had a past is together. But, that is a good thing. If all that it took to be a compatible couple was having a past together, well... there wouldn't be divorce. People change, things change, times change. Just because you were right for each other when you were kids, doesn't mean that you are right for each other now. If someone never matured or changed from the time they were 18, society would go no where. Different life experiences teach us things about ourselves... and we make decisions about the future based on those experiences. Although at the present time, the situation is not in your favor... you can make it that way by the way you look at it. This is just a growing experience... some of them are more painful than others... but the more painful it is... the more you can learn from the situation. So, look and the situation and what can you learn about it? Don't think of it as what you will change for your ex... because she is out of the picture. What does this experience teach you about yourself? Does it teach you about what you need in a relationship? Stability... free spirit, etc. Does it teach you how you want to treat others? Perhaps because you know what it is like on the other end... Does it teach you about the maturity of the person you would like to date? Does it teach you about the role of family in your relationship? Look and all of the questions and figure out what you can learn from all of this. Again, the ex is out of the picture. Do not answer the questions with her in mind. This is an emotional growth exercise. Good luck.

[bummedout4]

Thanks star, I know I need to use this time for me. Everyday I think it will be getting easier to focus on myself, even though I know I will be thinking about her in the back of my head. Thanks for all the wishes of luck, I am going to need it.

[madaman]

What are some of the things you want to do?
I know personally I have been trying to learn to play the guitar, and working out more. Its good to think about what you actually want to do.

[bummedout4]

Thanks guys, today I was able to go hit some golf balls with a friend and play some video games. Tonight we are going out to hard rock casino hotel where there are clubs and bars and stuff. I mean I am excited to go out, but it still doesn't feel right. I have that empty feeling that I don't belong and miss having my ex by my side. I hope it doesn't keep me from having a good time but I think it just might. I have been strong with the NC and haven't talked to her since wed. and through text on Thursday. I kind of keep hoping she will call but nothing yet. I know its bad to think about but I can't help it sometimes. Whenever I start to realize what's going on, I have weak moments where I think to myself that I don't want to do this. I want her back in my life. Well we will see how tonight goes, I will have fun but I know I won't be as fun as I can be since I know she will be on my mind.

[star3114]

Okay try this... look in the mirror before you go out and say... "Tonight, it is all about me." Say that about 6 times and if you are out and you start thinking of her, say it again. It is a very impowering saying.

[bummedout4]

Okay try this....look in the mirror before you go out and say..."Tonight, it is all about me." Say that about 6 times and if you are out and you start thinking of her, say it again. It is a very impowering saying.

Thanks I will try it, coming on here gives me the strength to keep on my path and hope for the best.

[star3114]

There are lots of wonderful things to find in the world.

[bummedout4]

Hey everyone, well last night was pretty fun, just hung out and had fun. Waking up this morning though, I really started to miss the ex. I haven't talked to her since wed. and I don't know why but I keep wanting to talk to her and be with her. Last night I didn't even think of her, well maybe a few times, but now I can't get her out of my head again. I just want to end all of this nonsense and tell her I want to be back with her. Well I am just venting out what I am feeling right now, thanks for everyone's support

[Sad Soul]

hey everyone, well last night was pretty fun, just hung out and had fun. waking up this morning though, i really started to miss the ex. i havent talked to her since wed. and i dunno why but i keep wanting to talk to her and be with her. last night i didnt even think of her, well maybe a few times, but now i can't get her out of my head again. i just want to end all of this nonsense and tell her i want to be back with her. well i am just venting out what i am feeling right now, thanks for everyones support

QUICK! Go for a run! Keep running! Gear all that energy towards a good workout! Now's the perfect time - with you being upset and all, and thinking about her. Trust me. The hardest part is just getting up and going. Just do it! Do you have your running shoes on yet? Hurry!

[madaman]

You have made progress already and I'm happy for you. The mornings after going out are usually the worst time for me, but sad soul is right, don't just sit around it will only feel worse.

I don't know if its been mentioned at all yet, but family can help a lot too. I don't particularly get along with my parents, but even they helped me out a little bit especially at first when I was so lost and confused.

You have made it 3-4 days now with no contact don't break it now. Who wants to start back at 0 days again? Just wait until you hit a week, or a month you will feel even better that you didn't cave. Ive followed your posts from the start and I can see a difference already. Every time you think you are going to break down and phone/text/email/whatever her, post here instead, or write it down on a piece of paper to at least get the words out. I did that in the first couple weeks, and I can look back now and wondering what I was thinking at the time.

[bummedout4]

QUICK! Go for a run! Keep running! Gear all that energy towards a good workout! Now's the perfect time - with you being upset and all, and thinking about her. Trust me. The hardest part is just getting up and going. Just do it! Do you have your running shoes on yet? Hurry up!

I wasn't able to go for a jog, its been raining on and off here today. I have just been watching football on TV, still feeling a little tired from last night. You know what really bothers me and makes me think more is the fact that she hasn't told me right out what she wants from me. I mean yeah she wants space and we aren't together but she claims to still want to be in contact but not as much. So, should I just ask her to tell me straight up if she is taking this time to really think about me and us and the future or if she wants to date this other guy and move on from there? I think this is why I keep feeling and hoping that this is just a phase that she will realize was a mistake. If I don't say anything could she get the impression that I am happy with being friends and I will be here no matter what? She says I can call her whenever I want and she will call me sometimes so if I never call could that make her think that I am fine with everything and I'm not willing to fight for her? I know I shouldn't have to fight for anyone's attention or love but do you think its possible she feels since I am not calling her or anything that I am happy now with her decision? Well I know I am probably repeating myself but its hard to remember what I have posted already and I am just going by what I am feeling, so any words of wisdom are appreciated.

[star3114]

Okay bummed... this has turned into an addiction. You know she has bad after effects, but still you are looking for the "high" of talking to her. Don't wait for your next fix. Find other things that make you feel good. IT IS YOUR LIFE!! Don't wait around from someone to tell you when to jump. You deserve more than that. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I deserve more than this". Whenever you start to doubt what you are doing, say it again. Keep us posted.

[bummedout4]

Okay bummed....this has turned into an addiction. You know she has bad after effects, but still you are looking for the "high" of talking to her. Don't wait for your next fix. Find other things that make you feel good. IT IS YOUR LIFE!!! Don't wait around from someone to tell you when to jump. You deserve more than that. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I deserve more than this". Whenever you start to doubt what you are doing, say it again. Keep us posted.

Yeah thanks star, I know I sound pretty pathetic but I mean this whole thing is hurting me deeply. Its like sometimes I start to think about moving on and what I need to do and I feel better but then it all hits me that I don't want to lose her in my life. I guess I shouldn't look at it like I am losing her forever because I don't know that. It just feels like she is slipping away. I mean I know its my life, but I want her to be in it. So anyway, I am doing better than I was last weekend and hopefully this week will be better than the last. I just don't know how long this is going to last and how long I am going to be feeling like this. Whenever I start to feel better, I just think about the reality of the situation and it makes me feel horrible all over again. Well I have stayed strong and haven't called her in a while. The last few times we talked she called me or texted me. It is just agonizing waiting and wondering if she is going to call me or what. I can't help but to look at the clock, check my phone and all that stuff. I don't want to keep having false hope, but I think I am delaying the finality of the siutation because I really feel that we are meant to be. Call me stubborn but I guess I am. Well just wish me luck, I will keep coming on here to vent my feelings and I am sure it will be a while before I stop having these emotions inside of me. Coming on here and reading makes me feel a lot better so I thank everyone.

[star3114]

Sometimes it just helps you understand things better when you can vent. Venting is good because then you don't keep it bottled inside, just festering. You don't sound pathetic. You sound confused. There is a huge difference between the two. I know this is hard for you to understand, but you really are better off without her. After all of the dust settles you will understand that. This is just an opportunity to do some personal growth. In the end, you may end up together or you may find someone better. But to get through this, try not to think too far ahead. Take each day as it comes. Take each day as an opportunity to improve on the YOU that YOU want to be... not the YOU someone else thinks you should be. If you try to improve just for the other person, you will end up frustrated in the end... especially if things don't pan out with her. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change... and why?

[star3114]

Read this... it should provide lots of good insight to you.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-123862-7.html

[bummedout4]

Sometimes it just helps you understand things better when you can vent. Venting is good because then you don't keep it bottled inside, just festering. You don't sound pathetic. You sound confused. There is a huge difference between the two. I know this is hard for you to understand, but you really are better off without her. After all of the dust settles you will understand that. This is just an opportunity to do some personal growth. In the end, you may end up together or you may find someone better. But to get through this, try not to think too far ahead. Take each day as it comes. Take each day as an opportunity to improve on the YOU that YOU want to be....not the YOU someone else thinks you should be. If you try to improve just for the other person, you will end up frustrated in the end....especially if things don't pan out with her. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change...and why?

Well I know an area that I lack, which is probably a reaon why I am in this situation, is that I am not a really emotional person and don't always express my feelings. I don't know why but I have always kind of been like that. She has told me that sometimes I didn't show her affection or make her feel loved all the time. I mean I have gotten better at this since I started dating her but I know I still need to improve. But don't get me wrong, I was not cold with her and always hugged and kissed her but sometimes I guess after 4 yrs I didn't show her affection all the time because I was comfortable around her. I mean I know its too late to change that but I do want to improve so she can see that I have changed and want to show her my emotions all the time, so that she really knows that I love her so much. I also probably need to be more outgoing. I like to have fun but sometimes if I don't feel comfortable I don't really say much or make an effort to meet new people.