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Jornny · Sep 28, 2007, 03:00 PM

Yeah hi, I've been reading up on everyone's space issues and I'm going through that phase at the moment with my (ex) girlfriend.

We were together 3yrs and only broke up last week, after a month notice of it taking affect, straight after our 2 week holiday!! Basically, I'm her first boyfriend, we've done EVERYTHING as a couple, never apart, love each other to bits, care about each other SO much, but she now wants a chance to explore her options as she's just turned 21, and as I said, I was her first boyfriend.

She didn't ask for this space because of the relationship, she loved it, it was not an issue. She just wants to see her friends more, experience different things, and meet different people. She assured me that she's not tryna find another relationship but if, months down the line, someone does interest her, she will have the option of doing so, as do I sadly. Obviously how I'm feeling now, only a week into the break, I don't want ANYONE else, just her, but maybe a few weeks from now my attitude will change. We both know that we COULD end up together again, and I'm confident we will. No-one could treat her as I did.

And as I speak, she's currently home alone, having a chinese dinner, watching a movie, and God knows WHAT ELSE, with a male friend from work, who I HAVE had suspicions about, and I'm surprisingly comfortable with it. She assured me that he's only a friend and I believe her.

Has anybody been there and been successful in a reunion and a happy ever after relationship?

bummedout4 · Sep 28, 2007, 03:15 PM

Hey man I am going through a similar situation, you can see all the posts in my topic but basically I am wondering the same thing. If after this space, if things will ever be the same or if we will ever get back together. Only time will tell. Its sucks I know, I am going through it right now and its not fun. Just got to have faith and hope you two are meant to be.

Jornny · Sep 28, 2007, 03:24 PM

I know we are. In the long term, this is great because there'll be no regrets from either of us. But it's the short term, the NOW that hurts the most. I guess we'll just have to give each other some moral support until it all works out!

Suelle383 · Sep 28, 2007, 03:27 PM

My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago.. for somewhat similar reasons. He said he couldn't be in a serious relationship anymore, he needed to figure out his life, blah blah. I went somewhat NC (I never initiated contact but he called weekly and I usually answered). Eventually, I got serious with no contact and didn't answer his calls. After 3 weeks of real NC and a little over 2 months of being broken up... he came crawling back. I took my time though letting him back into my life. Now a full month of seeing each other again and talking (and I mean really talking about what we both want out of a relationship), we're officially back together. Sometimes people really need space to appreciate what they really had. At least that's what happened in my situation. He said the time apart made him realize how important I was to him and his life and how he can't imagine his life without me and there's no one else he could ever imagine spending his life with. It seems to have worked in my situation, but honestly, I don't think it's the norm. However, the best thing you can do in this situation is stick with NC... if they want to come crawling back, they will, but you can't force it. Also note, the time we were broken up and I was doing NC, I wasn't doing it with the intention of him coming back to me. I was doing it for my own healing and to move on. That's the point of NC.

talaniman · Sep 28, 2007, 03:32 PM

I wasn't doing it with the intention of him coming back to me. I was doing it for my own healing and to move on. That's the point of NC.

Whether they come back or not healing to make better decisions and to see things realistically is the way to go. It starts with no contact to avoid mixed signal, and confusion from the ex. It gives you time to get off that emotional roller coaster with out influence from a missing partner.

Jornny · Sep 28, 2007, 03:38 PM

So, that guy I mentioned has left, she text me saying she's in bed, I rang her. Nothing happened she said, so we had a quick chat, said goodnight. I text her asking is she angry with me and she's just sending me real snappy short messages such as 'it's been a long day, goodnite' and 'you've nothing to worry about, goodnight'.

Suelle383 · Sep 28, 2007, 03:39 PM

Exactly, talaniman. I think if he had tried to get back with me in the first few weeks of the breakup when I was a wreck and miserable, we would have gotten back together but for all the wrong reasons. NC, healing, and moving on really helps you put things and your relationship in perspective so if the person tries to come back, you're not just getting back because its comfortable or because you're miserable. When my ex came back, I was actually in a really good place and having fun and having a new life. I think because of that it really helped me have a clean view about the relationship and made me ask for and express exactly what I want out of a relationship. In the end, and however the future turns out, my boyfriend and I now talk about how that time apart was probably a really good thing for our relationship. It might turn out to be the best thing we ever did for ourselves.

Suelle383 · Sep 28, 2007, 03:42 PM

Jorny - Stop contacting her. Its only going to push her further away. Don't look at this as a "break". It's a break-up. She said herself that she wants the option of seeing other people. Start healing and moving on or you'll prolong your pain.

bummedout4 · Sep 28, 2007, 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by Suelle383

Exactly, talaniman. I think if he had tried to get back with me in the first few weeks of the breakup when I was a wreck and miserable, we would have gotten back together but for all the wrong reasons. NC, healing, and moving on really helps you put things and your relationship in perspective so if the person tries to come back, you're not just getting back because its comfortable or because you're miserable. When my ex came back, I was actually in a really good place and having fun and having a new life. I think because of that it really helped me have a clean view about the relationship and made me ask for and express exactly what I want out of a relationship. In the end, and however the future turns out, my bf and I now talk about how that time apart was probably a really good thing for our relationship. It might turn out to be the best thing we ever did for ourselves.

That's a great story, I can only hope we all have happy endings like that, me included.

Jornny · Sep 28, 2007, 03:49 PM

I know, but as is human nature, it's so difficult. Like how can ANYONE expect another person to go from 3yr relationship to best friends overnight? She originally WANTED to keep in contact, but I made the decision myself by saying I couldn't be friends for now because I couldn't stand by and watch her and know her while she met other guys. That can't be expected of me can it?

Suelle383 · Sep 28, 2007, 03:53 PM

I did the same thing. We're were together for 3 1/2 years. He wanted to remain friends. Its not possible. For first 4 weeks, KILLED! I refused to contact him, but would wait by the phone waiting for it to ring. Finally, after 6 weeks of accepting his weekly phone calls (we never saw each other in person), I told him I couldn't do this anymore and I could not be friends with him. "Its either all of me or none of me". About 2-3 weeks, later, he called again. I reiterated that I didn't want to be friends and he needed to leave me alone. Then a week later, he kept calling... and calling... and calling. Finally, I agreed to see him and we started rebuilding our relationship. Now, a month later, we are back together.

Suelle383 · Sep 28, 2007, 03:56 PM

Don't play into her "friend" card. She's trying to keep you around as a safety net so she can know that she still has your emotional support. The sooner you're not there for her, the sooner she can possibly realize what she lost. I can't stress enough. She either gets all of you or none of you.

Jornny · Sep 28, 2007, 04:02 PM

Totally agree. Don't know what you've got till it's gone! You guys have been great to talk with, I might go offline as it's late here, but I'll be back tomorrow to read anymore updates. But before I go, what are the signs that she HAS kissed another guy, without her telling me. Like that guy I was talking about and the short snappy messages. Could that be a sign that something DID happen, and she's afraid she'll let it slip out?

Suelle383 · Sep 28, 2007, 04:04 PM

Don't even think about it or worry about it. I know its easier said then done, but thinking about it will only hurt. Whatever she's done is not a reflection on you.

Jornny · Sep 28, 2007, 04:06 PM

I hope so. She couldn't possibly have done something like that to me in the space of a week of this break. Not if she loved me as much as she says she does. It's a right heartache this issue, and hopefully with these extra insights and experiences, all shall be well. Su, you're a genius, thank you.

QuikFeedmeplz · Sep 28, 2007, 04:10 PM

Originally Posted by Suelle383

Exactly, talaniman. I think if he had tried to get back with me in the first few weeks of the breakup when I was a wreck and miserable, we would have gotten back together but for all the wrong reasons. NC, healing, and moving on really helps you put things and your relationship in perspective so if the person tries to come back, you're not just getting back because its comfortable or because you're miserable. When my ex came back, I was actually in a really good place and having fun and having a new life. I think because of that it really helped me have a clean view about the relationship and made me ask for and express exactly what I want out of a relationship. In the end, and however the future turns out, my bf and I now talk about how that time apart was probably a really good thing for our relationship. It might turn out to be the best thing we ever did for ourselves.

My story is about the same thing almost.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...st-134524.html

Its like.. she EVEN told me that after this is over, "Our 2nd part of our relationship will be better than our first." I mean she is ONLY doing this for us, the way I see it.

But you Jornny I KNOW its hard... my girlfriend and I just broke up on wed. this week.. Its been hard for both of us.. we Haven't talked since the last Quotes I had on my page for help. Believe me, if you stop talking to her, she will REALIZE that you are the one for her, EVEN if you 2 break up and she dates this other man to only later find out she ed up... ITS WORTH IT. Alrite man it is.. you can take a few months of pain for happiness rest of your life can't you? Even if it means for her to try to date another guy to see that you are the ONE and ONLY for her.

QuikFeedmeplz · Sep 28, 2007, 04:11 PM

Jornny, this is what I've been doing, its been HARD for me to even eat, but you just have to FORGET that you even had a girlfriend for this time.. ignore what you had with her.. I mean play Halo 3 with your friends or something, you can't make yourself be alone at this time like I did and get all emo for half the day.. STAY with your friends, stay at there house, sleep over, go out, do what you have to do to keep your mind off it.

Jornny · Sep 28, 2007, 04:14 PM

As I posted earlier, in the long term its for the best but for the short term it's difficult. Obviously thinking of each day as it comes multiplied by 7 days in the week, by 4 weeks in a month by so many months this goes on for, it's really really daunting. I even bought her a hamster for her birthday and she LOVES him to bits, but when I gave it to her, she accused me of getting her a pet so that she couldn't go out so much to have her space, because I didn't want her meeting anyone. This was totally not the case. She loves animals, and I didn't do it to make her come home every night after work and not enjoy herself.

Wondergirl · Sep 28, 2007, 04:17 PM

She's become emotionally detached from you, so she can do be "friends" with you. You're still attached to her, so you can't.

Jornny · Sep 28, 2007, 04:20 PM

Well I feel really good about all this when I've got WonderGirl taking an interest!! Cheers. My main concern that does bother me is that when we DO talk, mostly ending in an argument or fight, I always have to make sure the next day that when we ARE out of contact, that she's not angry with me and having bad thoughts about me. I'd rather her miss me and think good of me while out of touch. Get me?