[farfrmnormal]

You know, I am glad for this forum - and up until today my thread had few replies. I'd love to be able to chat more with you all who have helped me through this tough time.

As big as my company is everyone scatters at break time. I think I am probably one of the youngest working there as well - most others are much older then I, and we don't share much in common.

[rol]

Hi Farfromnormal.

I've read both of your threads and I'm unsure which to reply on but as this gives the full story I guess ill reply here.

I see a confused man and someone not ready for the next step.

I went through something similar last year when my ex freaked out after he proposed.

Like your situation he changed from one week from wanting to marry me and be with me forever to 'i want to be alone, I'm not sure if I love you or you are my best friend'
Then he came back and told me he was not sure and he needed time to think and needed to be independent and that all would be fine that we would be together after.

It was a very confusing time , I gave him space and we would see each other every 2-3 weeks(his inititation)This went on for 5 months.One night we slept together and then he got distant again.
I found this website last year and I had a talk with him. He said he was confused for 5 months and that he wanted to be friends.
He jumped into a new relationship right after that.

Since then I've read an amazing book. 'hes scared, she's scared' and it explains this whole type of situation. I really thought I was reading about my relationship when I read that book.

Like the title of your post, these situations make no sense.

In your other post you said he now wants to work on the relationship? Is he going to get counselling? What age is he? How have his previous relationships been? Has he always ran ? Has he incorporated distance into your relationship on occasions?

[farfrmnormal]

Here's some insight into the situation - After a failed attempt to hang out last night I met with him personally to discuss some things and here is the outcome. I told him that our relationship is toxic and until our issues are resolved nothing is going to have a good outcome. I told him that he has personal issues that need to be dealt with and to do that he is going to have to talk to a professional about them (He has frustrations surrounding our relationship that he feels like he can't get past). So we are going NC again and I personally believe that this is the only way he can heal and I can move on.

I cannot say RIGHT NOW that if he were to come back in a month and say "Hey, I love you lets make this work" that I would not jump at the opportunity - I Love Him and I know he loves me, just right now his frustrations are masking any feeling he may have and to fully understand himself and what he wants he needs to seek help (which he admitted he needed to do during our conversation last night). But what I can say is that I am moving on, with or without him I need to live for me.

As for him wanting to work on the relationship - he did say this and he said it again last night, but he also did say that things cannot be worked out right now because what we are going through individually is toxic. He is going to get counseling (At least he told me he was) - he is 26. He has only had one other serious relationship and she left him because he gained a lot of weight, however; I feel that the root of his insecurities are due to a divorce and a berating father who beat him down verbally as a teenager and adult (This is when he was living with his father for the first time in 12 years, for college). He has always ran from problems - as for incorporating distance, no he has not - I was the one that needed time/space.

[hpallister]

This sounds really positive, well done for being so brave about it.

Did he hint that he wanted to try again at some point then?

I really hope things work out for the best for both of you. :)

[rol]

Good for you farfrmnormal..

You have been really really strong and done the best thing possible.

Right now you both need to work on your issues.

You seem very mature for your age.

[farfrmnormal]

Basically through our conversation last night he said he wanted nothing more then to fix our relationship - but that cannot be done until he figures out how to get past his frustrations surrounding the relationship - right now those frustrations are plaguing him and he is unable to become in touch with his true feelings.

I am 25 - have been through two serious relationships. One from the age of 18-21 - this one was toxic because he treated me like crap. The next 21-25 he treated me like a queen and I didn't know how to handle it - in fact I didn't respond at all sometimes. A lot of my issues stem from passed down traits and a divorce when I was young - but I know what my issues are and how I can fix them. I think NC was so hard for me the first time because I had so much left to say to him - so much to tell him about the changes I was making. This time, everything is out on the table - he knows how I feel and what I am doing about the problems. He may think the ball is in his court, but really, I am the one taking control of my life - because right now that's what's most important for me to heal and to be happy again. If I don't, and things don't work out for K and I, I will be plagued just like him.

[rol]

Yeah abandoment from when we are young does cause a lot of damage in relationships... I lost a parent when I was young as well.

<but I know what my issues are and how I can fix them.>

Fantastic..

Everything happens for a reason... keep that in mind... maybe this relationship was for that reason.

Keep us updated with your progress.

[farfrmnormal]

That is my belief whether things between us work out or not - what doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? If he's not the one, then there is someone better out there for me. I'll keep you all posted.

[rol]

<what doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?>

Dead right.
I came to the same conclusion.

[farfrmnormal]

Does one know how someone might get over their frustrations? I know you are going to say time, but is there something they should be doing to let go?

[GlindaofOz]

Everyone does it in their own ways. I suppose it depends upon what the frustrations are. Sometimes time cannot even fix certain frustrations. The person also has to really want to be rid of those frustrations.

[farfrmnormal]

The reason I ask is because he says he wants to be rid of them but doesn't know how. I wasn't going to try and help him with that, I just thought I might better understand the process. Perhaps the counselor will be able to help him with that.

[GlindaofOz]

I would imagine that a therapist could help.

Some people are able to work out issues on their own but sometimes others do the need the help of a professional.

All you can do now is just be patient. I know its hard but I'm sure you know from your counseling experiences that everyone "breaks" at a different speed. I think what you need to decide is how long you are willing to wait for him to get over these frustrations.

[farfrmnormal]

My personal feeling is a month - when I took a "break" in our relationship in the past I took a month to figure my stuff out. If he contacts me before that, great - but I feel personally for myself that he will need to know after a month whether his frustrations can be dealt with or not. In the meantime, I am not "waiting" - I am moving forward and working on me. Right now I am just having major emotional ups and downs. He told me last night that when I have the impulse to do something I should sit back and ask myself "what would K want me to do?" - I have been doing that. Its just hard to move forward - maybe I am not ready to do that yet?

[GlindaofOz]

It's all in due time. When you are ready for something it will come a little easier. Its hard to work through a lot of our issues especially when they are things that are ingrained from our youth. Some people spends decades working out some problems.

I've seen people spend major time in therapy and get nowhere. I don't think you are that way - you seem to be extraordinarily receptive to change and to working things out. As for your boyfriend he may want to put something's are too painful sometimes to get rid of.

[farfrmnormal]

I read that book by Pease and a lot of the things they said about how women are in relationships didn't fit how I am - he was the affectionate loving one where as I was the opposite - this confuses me. I can completely understand why he would have the frustrations that he does - he says he wants to deal with them so I hope he does.

Do you think after a month I should contact him to see where he is at? Or should I just leave it and never contact him again?

[GlindaofOz]

Well you are not uncommon. There are women out there who do not act stereotypical. Maybe as you progress in your therapy and become more in touch with your feelings those things will change. Time will show you what you are capable of.

Is his frustrations with the fact that you are so logical and rational? (if you don't want to share you of course do not).

I don't see the harm in checking in with him after a month just to see where he is especially since that is you "waiting around timeframe"

[farfrmnormal]

My rational and logical approach to things is what got me in the position I am in. It was not until this breakup that I realized that I was not a balanced person, with respect to my rational and emotional mind. I made decisions based on my rational thoughts - so when I didn't want to do something, even though emotionally maybe I should have, I used my rational mind to make that decision. I am SOOO in touch with my emotions now I don't know how to shut them off when I need to - I make decisions based on how I am feeling, not on the rational and logical way. I have told him everything that I feel and even wrote a list of the things I want to change and am changing - this time I feel more comfortable with this time of NC, but I am still very emotional.

I am not "waiting" around - I just feel that it may take me a month or more to start to be able to move on.

[GlindaofOz]

I know you aren't waiting around - but it's the only way to state it. You've given it a month to see what happens so I was just referring to that was the "Waiting period".

That's great! You should feel good that you are now in touch with them. That's a hard thing to do. As you get more used to it you will learn to temper your logic with your emotion however its still hard because emotions are much stronger then that small little voice of reason in the background.

[farfrmnormal]

Like every time I read a post on here now - I break down in tears.

We'll just have to see how things play out.