[FP1977]

I read your story and felt compelled to write since it sounds almost exactley like what I'm going through. My girlfriend and I went on a "break" 2months ago and we officially ended it 2 1/2 weeks ago. Since the official breakup I went into NC. And I tell you, man, you're NOT alone. It is unbelievable how difficult this can be. I too have very few friends who are not tied down and made the same mistake of dedicating too much to her. We were together for 8.5yrs and lived together so trust me, I know the meaning of loneliness. I'm still going through the BS. But believe me, listen to everyone on this board. You CAN'T force it. I realized that 2 1/2 weeks ago. I wanted to marry this girl, but you can't force someone to love you the way you love them. Be thankful that you're still young (I just turned 30, and I consider myself still young) and the pain you're feeling will NOT last forever. This is what I keep telling myself (out loud sometimes). And I understand your fear of the future... I was/am terrified too. Everything will work itself out. I'm not sure how much help I could be since I'm right in the thick of things too, but feel free to contact me if u just need someone to talk to.
I'm going to post a separate topic because I need advice on how to handle the house we own together (and this is a difficult thing to handle while in NC).

[bummedout4]

I read your story and felt compelled to write since it sounds almost exactley like what I'm going thru. My girlfriend and I went on a "break" 2months ago and we officially ended it 2 1/2 weeks ago. Since the official breakup I went into NC. And I tell you, man, you're NOT alone. It is unbelievable how difficult this can be. I too have very few friends who are not tied down and made the same mistake of dedicating too much to her. We were together for 8.5yrs and lived together so trust me, I know the meaning of loneliness. I'm still going thru the BS. But believe me, listen to everyone on this board. You CAN'T force it. I realized that 2 1/2 weeks ago. I wanted to marry this girl, but you can't force someone to love you the way you love them. Be thankful that you're still young (I just turned 30, and I consider myself still young) and the pain you're feeling will NOT last forever. This is what I keep telling myself (out loud sometimes). And I understand your fear of the future...I was/am terrified too. Everything will work itself out. I'm not sure how much help I could be since I'm right in the thick of things too, but feel free to contact me if u just need someone to talk to.
I'm going to post a seperate topic because I need advice on how to handle the house we own together (and this is a difficult thing to handle while in NC).

Thanks for posting and reading my situation. I am sorry that things didn't work out for you and your situation. I hope that my situation works out for the best, I am just starting to realize that it will take time and some space. So I am just hoping for the best, and I know if we do work out , I know it is real.

[bummedout4]

Hey everyone, I was just looking online for nice places to go out to dinner, whenever the opportunity comes up... hopefully this weekend or next or whatever. I found a really nice place on the beach that turns into a sort of night club at night and a bar. Do you think a place like this would be a good idea? Somewhere where we can eat and not have to go anywhere else to have more fun, just kick back and listen to music, drink, dance and show her that hey you know what we can have fun together like we use to. I know I am thinking ahead again, but she has always pointed out to me that I never really plan things out and then when the time comes I don't really know what to do. This usually turns out bad for me because she would get mad or whatever. I just want to take some initiative and have a plan unlike many times in the past. I also want to show her I can cut loose and not be so uptight about dancing or going out, sometimes I come across like that in the past. Well just thinking outloud here, I know I am getting my hopes up but I can't help it.

[Sad Soul]

hey everyone, i was just looking online for nice places to go out to dinner, whenever the opportunity comes up.....hopefully this weekend or next or whatever. i found a really nice place on the beach that turns into a sort of night club at night and a bar. do you think a place like this would be a good idea? somewhere where we can eat and not have to go anywhere else to have more fun, just kick back and listen to music, drink, dance and show her that hey you know what we can have fun together like we use to. i know i am thinking ahead again, but she has always pointed out to me that i never really plan things out and then when the time comes i don't really know what to do. this usually turns out bad for me b/c she would get mad or whatever. i just want to take some initiative and have a plan unlike many times in the past. i also want to show her i can cut loose and not be so uptight about dancing or going out, sometimes i come across like that in the past. well just thinking outloud here, i know i am getting my hopes up but i can't help it.

You know what would stand out so much more than you trying to pick a place to eat? Showing a physical difference in your appearance AKA looking healthier.
And showing mental maturity.
Another thing that would stand out is having some new and exciting stories to tell her – what new things have you been up to? Anything?

Those things are going to make you more attractive.
Don't lose sight of the big picture through your insecurities and desperate attempts at winning her back. And the things I mentioned, they are truly money in the bank because they do/will improve you as a person (learning new things, being in better physical shape, saving money, having a life plan, etc).

Have balance. Have lots of balance. Don't let your emotions make all the decisions here. Be smart. This disease called "gotta get my ex back" often clouds our judgment into thinking we are taking the right steps, when we often are not. This is why most people do not end up getting back together with their ex.

[bummedout4]

Thanks for the advice, definitely will take that into account.

[star3114]

I would suggest going some place like you mentioned... nothing intimate... stay with a place where lots of other people are... that way she won't think that you are trying to pressure her. Also, I would heed sad soul's previous advice. Very good words of wisdom... especially the part about what have you been doing lately. If the conversation lulls, you are a dead duck sitting because you haven't been up too much lately except obsessing about her. I suggest you get a hobby and quick.

[bummedout4]

Thanks star, I will make sure I have things to talk about, its never been hard with her anwyays, we can always talk about whatver but I definitely don't want to bore her

[bummedout4]

OK guys... so lets say the week progresses and we don't really talk about anything, do I mention if she wants to do something sometime this weekend or next? Just ask and be cool no matter what the answer is? I am not sure if she will bring it up on her own since well I am the one that will be making the plans. I just want her to know I want to go out with her and have a good time. I don't know if its too soon or being too pushy but I am just wondering. I want her to know I am taking the initiative to plan something, because when we were together I didn't plan a lot of things and I know that sometimes bothered her. She kind of wanted me to take charge but sometimes I didn't and always asked her what she wanted to do. I just felt like it was nice to ask what she wanted to do or where to go ,because I honestly didn't care where we went as long as I was with her. I know this is something I need to improve and stop because she didn't like it. I'm also afraid if I don't say anything then she will just make plans with her friends, maybe waiting for me to say something. I know SHE is the one that wanted space and to be apart but I kind of feel that if I don't at least casually bring it up then maybe she won't remember or think about it.

[Homegirl 50]

No you do not. If she does not contact you, don't contact her. She asked for space remember.

[mckenzie134]

You NEver mention anything and you never call if she wants you back she will contact you . NOTHING will keep her away if she wants you back wshe will try her best...

Don't contact her under any circumstances if she contacts you fine if not MOVE ON

HArd as it may be

[bummedout4]

Yeah well it definitely is hard. We have been talking here and there but sometimes I would just text her to see how the studying is going because I know she gets stressed out and overwhelmed sometimes. I just want to help and calm her down which I always did in the past. Sometimes she would tell me to call her in the morning, which I use to do all the time before I go to work. I am feeling weird today because its like when I talk to her I feel like how we use to be, together. Its seems like she is happy to talk to me and are having pretty good conversations. She will be busy again the next few days studying for tests so I don't really expect her to call me much. I just feel I have to keep the lines of communication open so that she knows I am there for her and want to help. I know this is not helping me move on but I don't think I am ready to do so yet. After this week of hard tests I just want to take her out and have a good time. I don't know if she would ask me to go out with her, but I feel like I should just bring it up to see what she says. I know it goes against all of your advice and NC but its hard and I just have a gut feeling about it. I am not getting over her anytime soon so I figure I might as well try to make things work and show her that I know what I did wrong and that I am that person she fell in love with.

[bummedout4]

What I am really trying to say is that honestly, these past 2 weeks have made me think a way I never have before. About myself, and about our relationship. I know that I shouldn't hold anything in and always just show how I feel, which sometimes I didn't. Do you think that I can, not change her mind, but show her that I honestly made an effort to change and to realize that life is too short to hold back feelings and emotions. I just want to show her I love her everyday to the fullest. That is really all I want, that chance and I think it would make her realize I am right for her.

[Homegirl 50]

You know this is not about how you feel. She asked you to give her space, you don't seem to get that. You need to stop calling her for any reason and stop obsessing. The more you keep calling her, no matter how cheerful she may sound on the phone, you are showing her that you are just not capable of doing what she asked you to do.

[bummedout4]

So I am supposed to just give up, let her go and regret it for the rest of my life? I don't know but I would rather know I tried then just let her go. I know its selfish on my part but its hard to accept. I just want to be with her badly, because I truly am in love with her. I just want to work things out and become stronger from this low point.

[Homegirl 50]

You are supposed to do what she asked you to do. Give her some space. You're not doing that. She's telling you what she wants and you're saying "but I don't want to do that"

It does not matter how much you love her, you are not going to get on her good side or change her mind by bugging her. If she does not want to be with you, that is her choice. You need to respect that. If she made a mistake, it was her mistake, but her choice.

[madaman]

Ive been in your exact position before and I can tell you from experience, the longer you hold on the worse it gets. As hard as it is to do, you probably need to just start focusing on yourself and start the healing process. I know how hard it is to resist sending one text message or making one quick phone call but it really isn't helping you.

The healing process is going to take a long time, and you will look back and be glad you started in now rather than in 6 months. You will not 'regret' it for the rest of your life, it only feels that way now.

If you are anything like I was though when I went through this the first time, you will ignore all the good advice and go down in flames, but it might teach you something for next time!

[Homegirl 50]

Whether you like a decision someone makes or not is irrelevant, especially if that decision is in regards to their life. What is wrong with people that they can't accept the fact that not everyone thinks they are special or is enamored with them. You are not always going to have your way or have what you want. You can't make a person want you if they don't. Deal with it.

[bummedout4]

Well then she is confusing me then because she wants space but still wants to hear from me and be in touch. I am thinking that if she didn't care about me at all and wanted someone else , she would have asked me to stay out of her life and not to see her or talk to her right? Space is one thing, which I think I have given, I am not bugging her everyday or asking to see her. She is doing what she needs to do and I am not interfering, at least I don't think so and she hasn't said anything. So I should just take things slower? And go at her pace until or when she says something? I just keep feeling the longer I go w/out talking to her, she gets closer to being with someone else and getting use to not having me around or in her life at all. I guess I am still in denial and shock , I don't know when I will be over this. Its like I know what she wants and wanted from me, and I didn't always give it to her, but now more than ever I just want to show her that I am that guy she loved so much and wanted to be with. I still don't think it is too late, but if I do nothing, I think it might be.

[madaman]

In my situation, she kept me around and we hung out every now and then but we weren't dating. She wanted me to phone her when I could etc. But she used that as a way to ween herself off me. She answered less, she cancelled plans. She met someone new and guess who stopped answering their phone?

Im not saying everyone is the same, but if she wanted to be with you she would be with you right now. You should stop worry about what will happen to her if you stop talking, and focus more on what will happen with you (ie you might start growing as an individual and healing).

[farfrmnormal]

In your situation - I might be inclined to removed myself - yes, you are changing. Yes, you want her to see this - but, by not having you around she may realize sooner what she wants then if you were around. I say this because she has not even considered a compromise or working on the issues.