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lytesparkle87 · Aug 12, 2007, 06:46 PM

My boyfriend is getting married in a little while. We have been on and off for the past 4 yrs. He says he still has time and that his parents are looking for a match for him. This is because he is muslim and that's how it usually works. I myself am muslim as well and yea our parents don't really believe in love marriages but even so I can not marry him because even though he is muslim and I am too, he is from a different cast (long story). But the bottom line is I can not marry him because I'd have to convert and that's not happening.

I am very emotionally attached to this guy. Like a lot. We both love each other but recently things have been going down hill. We argue over the littlest thing and I bring up the past and he yells and fights about how that's all I do and I just can't get over stuff and that its annoying. He told me he has at least 2 yrs to go and that he wants to spend all this time with me to make it work so that he can remember it all his life. What should I do? Should I be his girlfriend still and just keep it as talking nothing sexual--we never had sex anyway or what? I need some advice.

Dennis777 · Aug 12, 2007, 06:53 PM

Hello.

If you can't have a real relationship then why be with him. The longer your together the harder it will be to break up. You can be friends but as friends your not BF / GF...

I know that your parents are not looking at Love as being the reason for your husband but if you know Men in the same age and background as you then why can't you get to know them and see if there is one that you would like to be with more then the others.

Good Luck
Dennis777

Wondergirl · Aug 12, 2007, 06:53 PM

"he has atleast 2 yrs to go" until what, until he gets married?? What about YOU?

And "he wants to spend all this time with me to make it work" -- in other words, he wants to take up two years of your life for nothing, for no future, to make WHAT work??

"so that he can remember it all his life" -- well, wonderful for him to want to have such great memories while using up two years of your life--but then you two will probably continue to fight like cats and dogs for those two years, especially since you both know they will go nowhere for you as a couple.

I can think of better ways to waste two years of my life. Please move on into an exciting future with someone who loves you--and away from this man.

jasonpeace · Aug 12, 2007, 08:01 PM

He is getting married and you call him your boyfriend?
Time to move on, stay away from him!
Let your hair down tonight,don't think too much,just let it go!

talaniman · Aug 12, 2007, 09:15 PM

You can be friends with any one you want.

lytesparkle87 · Sep 22, 2007, 09:09 PM

It's getting tougher. He wants to let me go because he thinks I am getting more and more attached but I just can't let him go. He told me recently he doesn't love me as much because of the stuff that happened in the past and what not but mainly, I think he is doing this so I do not get too attached to him when he finally does get married. I can not let him go please help.

Wondergirl · Sep 22, 2007, 09:56 PM

Yes, that's a good idea. Strangle him with your neediness so that he will grow to hate you. Then you can be the rejected damsel in distress who will end up on pills for depression. And if you refuse to leave him alone, he could get an order of protection against you or even report you to the police as a stalker.

It's only as tough as you make it. Wish him a happy life and walk away.

br_hjs · Sep 22, 2007, 10:14 PM

You should be able to be with him if that's what you want... you shouldn't let ANYTHING get in the way of that or ANYONE... You need to hurry before its to late... Talk to him about it and try to work things out. If you love him enough and really want to be with him then who cares about anything else? As long as that's what you and him want then that's all that should matter... Try to work it out

br_hjs · Sep 22, 2007, 10:16 PM

Also... If you ask me religion is all opinion and so you shouldn't let it be in the way either... sorry, if you are very rligious or whatever but lots of people are and who really knows what god is right to worship? And how there are different gods but only one god? It makes no sense

Wondergirl · Sep 22, 2007, 10:18 PM

Br, she said his parents would reject her as wife material, partly because they don't believe in love matches and also because she is from a different caste. That is very important in her culture, the caste system. As long as they stay true to their culture, they cannot work it out. It sounds like he has no interest in working it out anyway.

br_hjs · Sep 22, 2007, 10:23 PM

My boyfriend said that his mom doesn't want him talking to catholics and that with his religion he's not supposed to... so guess what we did?. we ignore religion and parents because we love each other. Neither of us really believed in god anyway but we don't let anything get in the way of is being together and its sad that people can let things get in the way

talaniman · Sep 23, 2007, 07:02 AM

The whole conflict is that she is far more attached than he is, and as long as that happens, then the inequality makes for a very unhealthy situation, until she can let go, and move on.

Sad Soul · Sep 23, 2007, 01:26 PM

I understand what you're going through. My father's side of the family is Jewish and they disowned him after he married my mother. My Jewish grandmother never even recognized me as her granddaughter for not being a full orthodox Jew.

I think if you two love each other enough, you will be together. If you don't end up together, be sure that it is not your religion that should be blamed, but it's either your cultural choice or you two prioritizing your parents beliefs over your own. For if you notice, in history, most religions did not even allow women to go to school... but today they do. Now was this really God or just culture forcing this? And today, many Muslims marry non-muslims, or many catholics take birth control, even though historically their religions prohibit both.

So, you and your boyfriend can be true to what you believe in, and choose the more modern traditions in your religion, which do not involve getting arranged marriages. Explain this to your boyfriend and show him the many examples of countries with your religion that do not follow this practice. You should also try and rationalize with the parents that keep you two apart. My friend from work is from Sudan and she's Muslim, and it's not culture in their country to have arranged marriages. My Lebanese friend said arranged marriages were something mostly unheard of in her country. Many Muslims in America do not have arranged marriages either. Maybe you can talk about this to the parents involved and educate them on other Muslim traditions. But be prepared that your parents might not see the light, as my father's Jewish mother never did, and does not even see me as a grandchild. Though, remember, "love is always something worth fighting for".

I think your boyfriend may be making excuses, or perhaps he's not mature enough for your love? You two need to see if this is worth fighting for.