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kirriky · Sep 16, 2007, 02:31 PM

Well I think you're being a little harsh here.. "sex addicts who want nothing but sex"... I'd go with excon on this one - he's just an average 22 yr old guy, you said you were 'dating', which means you're more than just friends, that there's some sexual attraction. I wouldn't find it unreasonable to expect a 22 yr old guy to want sex with his girlfriend.

Maybe he does like you, and genuinely thinks that sex is no big deal, and doesn't really understand why you would refuse to have sex. Maybe he thinks that the 'waiting' means more or less 'not having sex on the first date' (which, he would imagine, means 'having sex on the second date')

And of course he might be the 'deflowering virgins' type. But you can't really know. You're right about uni - he's probably used to a different approach to sex and relationships.

To make a long story short... he might be a bad guy, or he might be a good guy, but if he's making you uncomfortable and feeling bad about the whole thing - and he doesn't mind you feeling uncomfortable, or doesn't realise that he's creeping you out, well, then the whole relationship is not going to work.

Ash123 · Sep 16, 2007, 02:38 PM

Goodness gracious.

If he was NOT trying to get in your pants I'd be worried.
Sorry. But the fact is, that does not work for you, so just be friends.
You HAVE to be yourself. It's OK. Just don't single him out as a bad guy.

I think he likes you and is also attracted to you, but I would not make this
Into a public flogging. If he had no interest in your sexually at 22, do you think
You might be a little worried? Feel unattractive?

I, of course, would not recommend sleeping with him, because that's not where
You are at - but I don't think he is a bad guy. Just be clear that you are not into that
Right now, or maybe until marriage. You may lose him, but be honest...

Homegirl 50 · Sep 16, 2007, 02:43 PM

I would not call a guy who sees that you've had too much to drink and then invites you to his house (especially if he knows your stance on sex) a nice guy.
He is a 22 year old guy with sex on the brain. He is not interested in you, but what's under your dress. And being "just friends" with him is not going to change that. Leave old boy alone. He's not the one for you.

kirriky · Sep 16, 2007, 02:48 PM

"He is not interested in you, but what's under your dress." - why can't it be both? That's what 'dating' between adults is about, really. And she did mention dating.

I'm 100% with Ash on this one.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 16, 2007, 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by kirriky

"He is not interested in you, but what's under your dress." - why can't it be both? that's what 'dating' between adults is about, really. and she did mention dating.

im 100% with Ash on this one.

If you are dating someone who knows you are not into sex, and if you are into sex, you either respect her and deal with it (and that does not mean you try and make her jealous or make her feel guilty) or you say "sorry I can't do this"
She did mention dating, but she also said dating with no sex. So you either don't do the sex or leave the girl, but you don't play mind games. That is what dating between adults is. You respect the boundaries or you move on.

Ash123 · Sep 16, 2007, 03:16 PM

What doe she do for school or work?
What are his friends like?
Is he a convicted felon? :-)

This is so melodramatic.
He's been called "sex mad" "sex on the brain" "sex addict" -
I'd simply call him 22 and a guy...

If you want the pope - break up NOW... YES, he wants to sleep with you.

Anyway, clearly you two are on different pages. But if you can handle his overtures for a while, keep going. If you want him to not think of sex or make any moves - stop the dating now...

The answer is YES, he has sexual interest in you.

I am not ready to label him a jerk yet though.

icebaby88 · Sep 16, 2007, 03:41 PM

tonight this guy text me again. Its made me wonder...

he was out last night with a bunch of girls "stunning birds" as he called them. He asked me if I had had a good night. I said not really because I didn't. He said he didn't either because he was with a bunch of fake girls who were obbessed with image and money. He said they were obviously unhappy even if they are falsely pretty (barbie style) and he said that if image is everything it means you are insecure. He also said that all that matters to him is what is on the inside and personality. I agreed with him as that is genuinely what matters to me, do you reckon he's sweet talking me?

I'm not here to cause arguments. I'm a 19 year old inexperienced girl. I need advice, I value all your opinions very much.

what it is though is this guy has such a good background and from the way he speaks sometimes he seems so nice, but then others he doesn't. I'm not saying he's a bad person, all I'm trying to find out is if its normal to be that obbessed with sex, maybe it is as some of you think. I'm not defending anyone, I'm just interested to hear what everybody has to say.

so what do you think to tonights conversation I had wit him?

and in all honesty when his mate was trying to get me to go to his, the guy I'm sort of dating was saying don't push her, she doesn't want to, so I'm some ways I think he does understand, but I don't want to waste his time if he thinks give it a few weeks and ill get her in bed, because he won't!

icebaby88 · Sep 16, 2007, 03:48 PM

This guy has been to uni and got himself a good degree. He went into a job but didn't like it, so is now applying for the police, he works with me in a clothes shop part time.

His mates influence him from what I can see, he always looks at them before he acts and his mates are a BAD influence from what I can see

Ash123 · Sep 16, 2007, 03:49 PM

Look, just tell him you LOVE kissing (or whatever you do?)
And being friends, but you are not planning to sleep with anyone right now.

DO YOU MAKE HIM FEEL SPECIAL IN OTHER WAYS?

Do you do things other girls don't?
Athletic?
Super fun?
Are you smarter?
Prettier?
Make gifts?
Laugh and make more jokes?
Cook?
More adventurous?
Anything intimate you like that he does too?
What is your bond?

This is not just a one-way street. He has to work and so do you.
I am glad you see he is not some sex-addict jerk... But I think you have to be
Yourself and he has to respect that... Which, you seem to enjoy so far...

Homegirl 50 · Sep 16, 2007, 03:50 PM

Then you need to talk to him. Tell him you don't appreciate what he has been doing. He either accepts it or he doesn't. You' would have told him how you feel and he can deal with it the way he wants.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 16, 2007, 03:53 PM

.. Me, I'd leave him alone. Any guy who is so easily swayed by his friends (ones that are a bad influence to begin with) is not one you want to deal with. That's a red flag.

Ash123 · Sep 16, 2007, 08:41 PM

Sounds to me like it's not just being 19 - it's also that this guy is not together yet.
A cop and a part-time clothes shop worker is a bit of a work in progress.
Yes, take your time... boys will be boys... you can be a girl, as long as he is a gentleman, have fun dating. I don't think he's a total jerk - but he is immature.

smoothy · Sep 17, 2007, 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by Ash123

Goodness gracious.

If he was NOT trying to get in your pants i'd be worried.
Sorry. But the fact is, that does not work for you, so just be friends.
You HAVE to be yourself. It's ok. just don't single him out as a bad guy.

I think he likes you and is also attracted to you, but I would not make this
into a public flogging. If he had no interest in your sexually at 22, do you think
you might be a little worried? Feel unattractive?

I, of course, would not recommend sleeping with him, because that's not where
you are at - but I don't think he is a bad guy. Just be clear that you are not into that
right now, or maybe until marriage. You may lose him, but be honest....

Problem is from her discussion everything this guy says and does is all about getting her in bed, not building a relationship. I'm a guy and I pegged that guy from the get-go as a player. And as a guy I am not afraid to speak out on it. I've seen too many girls I was going after over the years, fall for a smooth talker lke him, and end up feeling like trash when he knocked her up or tossed her aside when he wanted fresh meat. I've known women who have suffered for years as a result of this callous treatment after being suckered into believing by sleeping with him they would win his heart when all he was after was to get laid and moved on when they bored of her or found new meat to chase after.

There are good guys out there. And they aren't hard to spot or find.

Ash123 · Sep 17, 2007, 12:54 PM

For now, have fun, and yes, hold on the your virginity.

So far, it doesn't sound like he's the one right now... for your "big day"...

icebaby88 · Sep 17, 2007, 03:39 PM

OK guys. I know this post its going on a lot and I CANNOT express how grateful I am to all of you for your help! You have all been great, I've taken all your advice into account and I've acted upon what I thought was best... JUST WAIT FOR THIS:

I text the lad and told him that I needed to speak to him about us two, and asked to meet him not at his house but a pub for example to chat. He texts back saying this doesn't sound good. If you won't come to my house you say it over text. Deep down I would have preferred to do that anyway but I thought it would have shown more respect doing it in person. So off I went with the text...

"ive thought long and hard about us and where we are heading. i have come to the decision that it would be best if we could just remain mates, as we are very different people who are after different things within a relationship. i do like you and i do hope we can stay good friends with no hard feelings. however i am being honest as i do not wish to continue dating when i feel that it is not really going to progress given the situation and different views. im sorry and hopefully speak to you soon"

His reply: "we must go our separate ways"

My reply: "that is fine, i hope you do not think i am being funny, i am just being honest with you. i hope we can still be friends!"

His reply: "dont ever text me again, i have my mates and YOU will never be ONE!"

I THINK THIS SUMS THE GUY UP QUITE CLEARLY!

Basically that's his way of saying you don't give me sex I don't give you anything, so now he will move on to his next target and some poor girl will get roped into what I have had to deal with. I feel very sorry for her and just hope she has the intuition to realise that he is a loser. That last text he sent me upset me so much, not because I've got away from him, I'm happy about that, but because I have done nothing wrong and there is no reason why we cannot be friends. I was physically shaking with fear, as I have to face this guy in work now!

Please girls that read this, do no be fooled by sweet talk. I'm not dissing lads, I KNOW there are nice lads out there, but a lot are users, they want you for sex and nothing else. If you get just one thing from this girls BE CAREFUL, DON'T LET A LAD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU!

Thanks again everyone!

Ash123 · Sep 17, 2007, 04:14 PM

Ok, I think you are 100% correct. BUT at 22, asking a guy to just be friends is not going to work... Hormones are raging. He does not need another "mate" - it's insulting to many... So, don't treat him like the devil. Just let it go. Lesson learned.

Now, that said. I think you did the right thing by being yourself. Find a nice guy, but please don't think he's sex crazy if he makes a move... But you may find a guy who is patient for years too... if you are super special to each other.

icebaby88 · Sep 18, 2007, 01:46 AM

Do you think he will eventually come round in work then, and possibly speak to me again so. I'm not saying I wanted to be like best buddies with him, but I do not think there is any need to handle it the way he did. I obviously still like him, I was devastate by his reply. I just don't want awkwardness in work. I see your opinion though. There is nothing wrong with liking sex, but when it rules of a relationship you must see my point of view that I am looking for someone to love me for who I am. I'm not saying he is a bad person, its just we were obviously not a good match!

Homegirl 50 · Sep 18, 2007, 04:36 AM

His ego was bruised because you called it off. He'll get over it, but don't expect to be friends with him. He may not go there. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who is into platonic friendships with females.

smoothy · Sep 18, 2007, 04:46 AM

Just treat him the same as anyone else at work. No better or worse. He'll get over it. I don't know what country you are in but I'm Guessing Australia, or New Zealand, Possibly the UK based on your apparent dialect.

Here in the USA once you make it clear you have no interest in them if the continue to pursue particularly in a work environment you have grounds for sexual harassment. But most countries do not have such workplace protection laws.

icebaby88 · Sep 20, 2007, 09:32 AM

I NEED SOME MORE HELP PLEASE

Since I ended the dating with this guy, he has physically shaken me up to a nervous wreck. After the replies he sent me, I've never been the same since. I'm constantly worrying about what's going to happen when I go to work on Saturday and he will be there. Last night he was messaging me telling me that everyone in works hates me because he thinks I am a bunny boiler (for starters I don't even know what one is, and from what I gather from my friends I am the complete opposite) my friends have said you couldn't get a much more geuninely nice and polite and stable person than me. This guy is saying horrendous things to me. I think what I can't deal with is the fact that I know he dislikes me and thinks I'm in the wrong, but at the end of the day I've done nothing wrong, I just put him in his place and told him it wouldn't work. I know you will come across people in life that dislike you, but when you have been quite close to someone, I find it hard to deal with. I just want to be able to go to work without worry, I've actually been sick with worry today. I'm just starting university as well and I should be out enjoying myself with all my friends, yet he has disturbed me so much and knocked my confidence that I just spend all my time in and I already found trust a hard thing but now I don't even want to meet anyone new girls or boys, I just can't bring myself to talk to people or look happy because inside I feel so depressed and so hurt and petrified of work! Please help me!