[Toomai]

Wow.. I felt like I was going to go crazy today. I went to church for the first time in quite a while. I could not get my girlfriend out of my head. It is SO hard to not talk to her. I think that today she blocked me on MSN. I'm going to have to try and move on, otherwise I'll go insane. I will try to meet new people and go out more, it's very stressful though since I'm going through exam period. I will have to move on, and hopefully if she comes back than that's great. She said yesterday she still loves me and feels horrible for doing this, but again, like you said I can't just sit around obsessing about her. Talk soon.

[Chery]

Wow.. I felt like I was going to go crazy today. I went to church for the first time in quite a while. I could not get my girlfriend out of my head. It is SO hard to not talk to her. I think that today she blocked me on MSN. I'm going to have to try and move on, otherwise I'll go insane. I will try to meet new people and go out more, it's very stressful though since I'm going through exam period. I will have to move on, and hopefully if she comes back than that's great. She said yesterday she still loves me and feels horrible for doing this, but again, like you said I can't just sit around obsessing about her. Talk soon.

Like I said, please go on with your life, and don't blame your school failures on her, or you'll start blaming all future relationships on any other mishaps that crop up, and that is using a crutch instead of facing the fact that it's all a part of life, getting to know new people, good or bad, and dealing with it. You will meet other people throughout your life, so gather yourself together and get to know your real self, before clinging to someone new right away. Reflect on what you want for your future, even if alone, you need this. I know holiday season is depressive when alone, but we all go through it and survive - and you must do the same. Concentrate you YOUR future, then you can share it with others. Good luck and keep us posted if you need further help. She said what she did because she wants to feel guiltless, so don't waste your time with her anymore, not healthy!
This time of year, take lots of vitamins and minerals to keep your body strong, then the mind will follow. Again, good luck.

[digibrink]

I have read all these posts, they seem like good advice. I must say this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. My girlfriend and I dated all throughout college (a 5 year program), but every 3 months we were separated in different cities for co-op. We lasted through most of those periods, but broke up twice (I;d say 1 1/2 times) but always got back together. I dated 1 person while we were broken up over a co-op. Then graduation came around and she moved away for a job. I wasn't sure if I was ready to make that step yet, so I broke it off for what turned out to be 6 months. Again, I dated someone else. The entire time we dated, we lived together, and it worked out great. We are best friends and I moved to be with her again and she took me back. Now, 9 months after she took me back, she broke it off. She said she couldn't do it anymore and that there was too much baggage. The baggage came from the 2 breakups and the mistake I made of telling her everything. I told her if I kissed a couple girls in a bars when I was drunk because while it was meaningless it made me feel terrible. Honestly, I am not surprised she broke up with me. I allowed her to lose interest and wasn't being the kind of person she deserves.

We were living together still when she broke up with me - I acted really desperate at first (crap) but then gave her more space as time went on. We still had to talk about practical things like her bills showing up here, negotiating times for her to come back to the apt to get stuff, or for custody of our friends. She says she wants to be part of my life at some point but must heal first. She wants me to move on, and clearly has moved on herself. I actually don't even know if she is still paying rent (we have 1 other roommate who she also works with) but I am willing to allow her to keep her stuff (she took everything she needs to her sisters or possibly new boyfriends house to live there for now) here and I am still sleeping in her bed. I got new sheets and try not to focus on everything surrounding me - after 6 years you pretty much share everything you own with that person.

I made a lot of changes in my life due to this. I stopped drinking and acting like an *** and went back to the great person I used to be. She has noticed and I think is impressed with how I am living my life now. But she asked for total cut-off so that she can heal because when I would "peep" into her life she would get sad because I was sad or miss me. So after finding this post I decided I really did have to do what I was trying to do, cut off all contact for as long as it takes. I told all the mistakes I made, how I was going to fix them, and how I had changed my life. It has been 7 weeks since she broke it off, but I am just now cutting off all contact. It is impossible to not be scared she will run off with this new person, I always hear horror stories of long time relationships followed by quick marriages. But it is out of my hands I guess...

[Chery]

I have read all these posts, they seem like good advice. I must say this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. My girlfriend and I dated all throughout college (a 5 year program), but every 3 months we were separated in different cities for co-op. We lasted through most of those periods, but broke up twice (I;d say 1 1/2 times) but always got back together. I dated 1 person while we were broken up over a co-op. Then graduation came around and she moved away for a job. I wasn't sure if I was ready to make that step yet, so I broke it off for what turned out to be 6 months. Again, I dated someone else. The entire time we dated, we lived together, and it worked out great. We are best friends and I moved to be with her again and she took me back. Now, 9 months after she took me back, she broke it off. She said she couldn't do it anymore and that there was too much baggage. The baggage came from the 2 breakups and the mistake I made of telling her everything. I told her if I kissed a couple girls in a bars when I was drunk because while it was meaningless it made me feel terrible. Honestly, I am not surprised she broke up with me. I allowed her to lose interest and wasn't being the kind of person she deserves.

One thing good for you both is that you did not get married. You admitted allowing her to lose interest and your drinking, also your affairs. Those, dear were your 'three strikes' and you are OUT. This is only my opinion, but I think she planned to drop you, and waited until it was convenient for her and is just 'still friendly' because you still have some of her stuff and she want's it back, but at her pace. If at all possible, cancel the lease, move your stuff, and get another place. Let her stuff stay there, give up the keys, and let the landlord handle the rest of the problems, i.e. if she does not pay for the storage of the remainder of her stuff, he can put it out on the street. This is the only way for you to make a 'clean break' and go on with your life. You obviously will not have a problem meeting new women, as you got along fine with at least two of them during the short breaks, so let her go, and make her take the responsibility of her actions. You were straight up with her, so it's her turn to be straight up and make a 'clean break'. She punished you enough, and now she needs to stop 'paying you back' for being truthful. You did hurt her, but she has managed to turn this around and make you take up all of the guilt. Again, this is for her convenience only, not your's so drop it all in her court and start a new life. We women know how to hurt you back, and can take a lot until we do, but enough is enough. I wish you all the best no matter what your' choice. Keep us posted and let us know what your progress looks like. P.S. Proud you stopped drinking, it's not good to use that as a crutch, so don't start again, OK? Hang in there, it can only get better from now on, and believe or not, you deserve a chance to be happy too. And I'm sure the next young lady will benefit from you not making the same mistakes again.


Enjoy the holidays and look forward to a new year..
P.S. We all do this on our free time and really appreciate feedback if our answers/advice helped or not, please click the Rate This Post link located on the blue date line above our names on the right side, next to the number of the post, click on Approve or Disapprove, and give a comment. Thanks!

[digibrink]

The possibility of getting a new place in Boston would cause me financial problems out the wazoo. She made the break so it is up to her to find a new place. I just felt that to keep thing cordial and avoid a messy break-up I would be nice about letting her keep her stuff around. Will I box it up, yeah, soon enough. Right now I think I am strong enough to be around it. One of her biggest issues right now is that her home is sooooo important to her, she is really having a hard time not having one. In fact, I think I am much further along in the coping phase than she is. I want to tell her it is because everyday I am focused on becoming a better person while she is distracting herself with her new boy and not focusing on healing. At the same time, I realize it is not my place to say that, she must learn for herself.

It is funny to love but not be IN love, as the case is for her.

Also - now don't get mad - but a lot of people seem to think there is a big difference in cheating when it comes to kissing someone and sleeping with someone. I disagree, it is the same lack of control, just different levels, but you would be surprised the bad advice that is out there (not referring to anyone on these boards). Example, my mom told me to send her flowers at work right after this happened. Wow that would have been bad. People at her work that knew about the break up and her new boy, who works there, oof, she would really hate me had I followed that advice. I messed up enough sending her colleague at work a thank you card that I unfortunately told him how I felt for in within. I am so much smarter than I was 6 weeks ago. She really pushed back after that one.

[Chery]

I just felt that to keep thing cordial and avoid a messy break-up I would be nice about letting her keep her stuff around. Will I box it up, yeah, soon enough. Right now I think I am strong enough to be around it. One of her biggest issues right now is that her home is sooooo important to her, she is really having a hard time not having one. In fact, I think I am much further along in the coping phase than she is.

Keeping it out and around is helping you cope with your loneliness, and she'll probably come back to the home environment if he can't come up with something better for her - and this is probably what you hope will happen. No matter what you choose, hope you get to your goal in one piece. Good luck and happy holidays.

[digibrink]

Thanks Chery. I have been having a really sad day all day. Your post cheered me up. I put up a christmas tree today. She sure would love it if she saw it, a little natural tree in a tall glass vase with sand and cranberries. Have a great holiday too. They are going to be hard, but everyday I wake up with intentions of becoming a better person than I was the day before.

I got her Christmas gifts but I think I am just going to wrap them up and put them away, they would be really useful for her and she would like them, but until she can see me again, which could take years, they will lie dormant. Too bad you can't return iPod shuffles once they are engraved (live free : live happy).

[Chery]

Thanks Chery. I have been having a really sad day all day. Your post cheered me up. I put up a christmas tree today. She sure would love it if she saw it, a little natural tree in a tall glass vase with sand and cranberries. Have a great holiday too. They are going to be hard, but everyday I wake up with intentions of becoming a better person than i was the day before.

I got her Christmas gifts but I think I am just going to wrap them up and put them away, they would be really useful for her and she would like them, but until she can see me again, which could take years, they will lie dormant. Too bad you can't return ipod shuffles once they are engraved (live free : live happy).

You too dear, and please don't get into the depression rut that happens this time of the year. Get out and spend time with your family and make new friends, or go to another town just to see a different locale. The decorations are usually a nice way to start..

[Toomai]

Hey everyone, me and my girlfriend haven't spoke in about a week. Today was supposed to be our 2nd anniversary. Should I say anything to her or keep giving her her space and see if she say anything?

[nymphetamine]

No. Your best bet is not to give her anything or even say happy anniversary. That will really get to her. :D

[Chery]

Hey everyone, me and my girlfriend haven't spoke in about a week. Today was supposed to be our 2nd anniversary. Should I say anything to her or keep giving her her space and see if she say anything?

I'd leave it alone and let her make the first step. She's the one who kept you on a 'string' for her own convenience, so don't let her rule the remainder of your prescious time. In my opinion, you deserve better and hope you get it together soon. Good luck dear, and keep that head up!

Don't let her get under your skin again - a bad itch!

[JollyRoger]

After a little over three weeks, she IMed me. First time either of us had contacted each other since the break's beginning. Obviously, it'd seem like I was ignoring her, so I responded. She thanked me for the card and proved that she was keeping track of my away messages by asking about subject matter I had put up once. Kept the conversation light-hearted and friendly, and without either of us bringing up the relationship the entire time, I ended the conversation myself, telling her it was good to hear from her, but I was going to go relax.

Haven't spoken since then (been a week or so), and the entire time she's put up her own away messages saying things like she knew something "shouldn't bother her, but it [did]", and stuff related to looking back on the past and trying to focus on the future, moving on type stuff.

Should I try to get a hold of her? I sometimes get the feeling that she may think I'm pissed off or something and not speaking to her. I'm just unsure what to do at this point and I feel like things with her are slipping away rather than progressing in any sort of positive way. I feel like trying to force her into contacting might be a bad move with this one. Any help? Should I just stay the course?

[Chery]

After a little over three weeks, she IMed me. First time either of us had contacted each other since the break's beginning. Obviously, it'd seem like I was ignoring her, so I responded. She thanked me for the card and proved that she was keeping track of my away messages by asking about subject matter I had put up once. Kept the conversation light-hearted and friendly, and without either of us bringing up the relationship the entire time, I ended the conversation myself, telling her it was good to hear from her, but I was going to go relax.

Haven't spoken since then (been a week or so), and the entire time she's put up her own away messages saying things like she knew something "shouldn't bother her, but it [did]", and stuff related to looking back on the past and trying to focus on the future, moving on type stuff.

Should I try to get a hold of her? I sometimes get the feeling that she may think I'm pissed off or something and not speaking to her. I'm just unsure what to do at this point and I feel like things with her are slipping away rather than progressing in any sort of positive way. I feel like trying to force her into contacting might be a bad move with this one. Any help? Should I just stay the course?

Dear, she's the one who wanted the 'break', and you did send her the card - yes? So, you did the best you could to take the first step, and she is still confused at this point. Give it time and let her make the first move now. IMs are OK, but phone calls are better, and she should now decide her next move, not you. If you are destined to lose her, it will happen sooner or later, and there is nothing you can do about it. She does know you care about her, and it will not hurt her to think you are peeved, after all you have feelings too and it's time she realizes this. The ball is in her 'court' now, so hold on if you can and don't rush things. Keep your self-respect, and she'll respect you. Keep us posted.

Happy Holidays!

[two4pl4y]

I am in a similar situation, and need some advice. I have been dating my ex for over 3 years. We were on a break for about a month and a half. Well the whole situation started when we went to her sisters wedding. A week later we got in an argument, that led to her crying. She then had a heart to heart with me saying how much she loved me and needed me in her life, and that she wanted to marry me. She also said she wanted to look at rings. So we went that week to look at rings. She was very excited and seemed happy, but a couple weeks later things went down hill and I could tell. She just did not seem happy, not just with me but with school, and work etc. So we decided to go on a break. But our breaks wernt really breaks, we saw each other the same. Slept in the same bed every night still and so-on. She went home for thanksgiving, and this is when she realized she wanted a breakup. She says she loves me but just needs to find herself. She kept saying how this would be good for us in the long run, and that if we are meant to be we will be. So we broke up 2 weeks ago. It was very very hard for me at first. For the first couple of days I tried to get in contact with her, just because I felt that I needed to talk to her. Then from Tuesday to Saturday I did not talk to her, and called her on Sunday. We got in a huge argument because she said she was not ready to even talk to me yet. After that from Monday to Sunday we did not talk. She then signed on to AOL, and asked if she could call me. She then called and was talking about our cell phone issue(because we are on the same plan). She then started asking me how I was doing, and thanked me for giving her space, and that we can talk soon to see if we are going to be friends or whatever. I am doing better now. I need some advice. Do I wait again for her to get in contact with me? Thanks

[nymphetamine]

Okay what you did the first time you broke up was a huge mistake. You should have separated yourself from her and went out and got to know someother people. You do seem like you now understand space just a teeny little bit. Yet you should have never made the attempt to contact her. When us women say space we mean complete and total space meaning we don't want to hear you or see your face until we are done. Wait for her to call you. Do not call her. Let her call you. If she doesn't call you back for a few weeks do not try to call her even then as that is her way of testing you because females love to test. You sit back, relax, hangout with the friends, grab a couple beers, get you a playboy, watch the game. Little missy will call you when she calls you. I wish you luck and hope the best for you.

[Chery]

I am in a similar situation, and need some advice. I have been dating my ex for over 3 years. We were on a break for about a month and a half. Well the whole situation started when we went to her sisters wedding. A week later we got in an argument, that led to her crying. She then had a heart to heart with me saying how much she loved me and needed me in her life, and that she wanted to marry me. She also said she wanted to look at rings. So we went that week to look at rings. She was very excited and seemed happy, but a couple weeks later things went down hill and i could tell. She just did not seem happy, not just with me but with school, and work ect. So we decided to go on a break. But our breaks wernt really breaks, we saw each other the same. Slept in the same bed everynight still and so-on. She went home for thanksgiving, and this is when she realized she wanted a breakup. She says she loves me but just needs to find herself. She kept saying how this would be good for us in the long run, and that if we are meant to be we will be. So we broke up 2 weeks ago. It was very very hard for me at first. For the first couple of days I tried to get in contact with her, just because I felt that i needed to talk to her. then from tuesday to saturday i did not talk to her, and called her on sunday. We got in a huge argument because she said she was not ready to even talk to me yet. After that from monday to sunday we did not talk. She then signed on to aol, and asked if she could call me. She then called and was talking about our cell phone issue(because we are on the same plan). she then started asking me how i was doing, and thanked me for giving her space, and that we can talk soon to see if we are going to be friends or whatever. I am doing better now. I need some advice. do I wait again for her to get in contact with me? Thanks

Did you go with her to look at rings out of some type of obligation or compensation? It could also be that you did not show as much enthusiasm about it as she expected, either that, or she's getting cold feet about it. This happened shortly after a wedding and this gets all girls emotional and they feel left out, or that they are missing something. Maybe you did not show the reassurance she wanted at this time. Wait until she calls you again, when her feet are on the ground again, and she realizes that she's not in a dream world where everything is perfect. Just have some patience, and good luck!

[JollyRoger]

Well, I've found out she's dating other people now, or trying to anyway, setting up a myspace account and actively adding and accepting new male 'friends' all the time (not seeking serious relationships, though). I also get a slight feeling that she's hiding it from me - her other website profiles still say nothing about having any interest in dating anybody and she's done nothing to advertise her myspace on these other websites as people are prone to do. I'm also on myspace and she's not bothered to try and add me as a friend, for example, though she knows full well I'm on it (she has added other pre-existing friends). The girl still talks to me now and again, she lets about two weeks go by before contacting me again, though never by phone; it's always through instant messages. She just IMed me last night, in fact, but like always, all we had was a short, casual conversation where I pretty much stick to being sarcastic and funny and we talk about nothing approaching meaningful or important. She still looks up my blog postings and whatnot as well. I've only initiated contact twice: once by phone over winter break just to see how she was doing and once a week after that by IM - other than that, it's been all her.

I'm just not sure what to do; I don't know exactly how to take it. It's not exactly against "the rules" of our "break" for her to date other people, nor is it for me, but I can't help but feel she's being a little underhanded about it, especially when she told me she was going to be too busy this semester for our relationship, one of the reasons for the break. I understand she doesn't have to tell me anything and I respect that, but I just have a weird feeling about it. I can't tell if this is her wanting some time to do her own thing for a while (I think she would have just told me that, however, if that's true) or if she only wanted to let me down easy and is now stringing me along, though I never figured her for the type of person to do that sort of thing. I can't tell if this is some sort of test or if she's sitting there waiting for me to do something - I can't make myself believe that, however.

I'm trying to figure out if I should just continue to let this ride, pretending I don't know she's trying to date around and see if May actually happens, just cut her off completely and forget her (as my friends seem to believe), or if I should try to initiate some sort of meaningful conversation beyond the casual "Hey, how are you doing?" stuff. She'll also be out of school for a short week here soon and I was considering asking her if she wanted to hang out for a bit just casually, but now with this new discovery I don't know if it's such a good idea anymore... or if it may now be more crucial that I do.

Tried to handle this myself but I've hit a road-block. Please, any ideas? :|

[saan]

Hi. Sometimes distance/absence makes the heart grow fonder... So give her all the space she neeeeeeddddsssss! If its meant to be you'll will find you'rlls way back together... if not, then there's plenty of fish in the sea.

[AmberBabyMwah]

Okay so sorry if I'm totally repeating what someone might have already said.. but I'm kind of in a hurry but I read over your post and thought it would be nice to leave my thoughts.

One... The whole break thing.. Okay.. I could be totally off base... but I think I'm pretty right on... she's saying that she doesn't want to break up.. that she just wants a break.. and she says that you haven't been the best boyfriend yada yada.. okay I'm pretty sure that since she is sooooo hooked on this whole break thing.. but doesn't want to leave you... its a scream for attention... she wants to give you a little taste of how it would be like if she were gone.. and you lost her. Since she doesn't want to leave you, I would say your best bet is to just leave her alone.. completely... no calls.. emails.. instant messages, texts.. NOTHING! I think I actually saw I few other people post the same suggestion. Coming from a girl who hasn't done this to someone... but knows a lot of girlfriends who do it all the time.. she doesn't want to lose you, but she wants to you wake up.. get back to how things were before when she was the center of your universe.. and yes I think she may be acting a little selfish what with you being in school and playing ball.. and I'm sure when she was in school that was her number one priority.. sometime's it's difficult for people to see the same situation reversed... where they are the ones getting the ****ty end of the stick..

And if you can actually hold out and not talk to her for awhile... I can bet she will get ahold of you.. and when she does.. don't act as though you have been a total wreck without her.. just let know that you've been thinking about her, you miss her, and MAKE SURE you ask her what her thoughts have been since the whole break thing was enforced... if you seem as though you're really interested in what she has to say... then she thinks that she's gotten the best of you... but that's as long as you don't cry.. and beg for her forgiveness.. that way you still have your pride, and you didn't bend over backward to get her back in your arms.. a relationship is 50-50 right?. no its 100-100.. you got to give your all and so does she.. one person can't ruin/fix a relationship, it takes ruining/fixing from both sides.. even if its only one person doing things incorrectly.. it's the other person who let it go on until they snapped. A big part of a good relationship is communication.. and when there is none... thats when these unexpected "breaks" happen.. and then you're sitting there scratching your head saying.. "what the f#%*?!"

Maybe with this time apart you can really think about what's been happening... and maybe the two of you can talk about what you like and dislike.. and what you want to change.. and try to come to a middle ground. These are just my suggestions and opinions.. I wish you the best.. and let me know how the two of you make out... best of luck with everything

-Amber <3

[Chery]

Well, I've found out she's dating other people now, or trying to anyway, setting up a myspace account and actively adding and accepting new male 'friends' all the time (not seeking serious relationships, though). I also get a slight feeling that she's hiding it from me - her other website profiles still say nothing about having any interest in dating anybody and she's done nothing to advertise her myspace on these other websites as people are prone to do. I'm also on myspace and she's not bothered to try and add me as a friend, for example, though she knows full well I'm on it (she has added other pre-existing friends). The girl still talks to me now and again, she lets about two weeks go by before contacting me again, though never by phone; it's always through instant messages. She just IMed me last night, in fact, but like always, all we had was a short, casual conversation where I pretty much stick to being sarcastic and funny and we talk about nothing approaching meaningful or important. She still looks up my blog postings and whatnot as well. I've only initiated contact twice: once by phone over winter break just to see how she was doing and once a week after that by IM - other than that, it's been all her.

I'm just not sure what to do; I don't know exactly how to take it. It's not exactly against "the rules" of our "break" for her to date other people, nor is it for me, but I can't help but feel she's being a little underhanded about it, especially when she told me she was going to be too busy this semester for our relationship, one of the reasons for the break. I understand she doesn't have to tell me anything and I respect that, but I just have a weird feeling about it. I can't tell if this is her wanting some time to do her own thing for a while (I think she would have just told me that, however, if that's true) or if she only wanted to let me down easy and is now stringing me along, though I never figured her for the type of person to do that sort of thing. I can't tell if this is some sort of test or if she's sitting there waiting for me to do something - I can't make myself believe that, however.

I'm trying to figure out if I should just continue to let this ride, pretending I don't know she's trying to date around and see if May actually happens, just cut her off completely and forget her (as my friends seem to believe), or if I should try to initiate some sort of meaningful conversation beyond the casual "Hey, how are you doing?" stuff. She'll also be out of school for a short week here soon and I was considering asking her if she wanted to hang out for a bit just casually, but now with this new discovery I don't know if it's such a good idea anymore... or if it may now be more crucial that I do.

Tried to handle this myself but I've hit a road-block. Please, any ideas? :|

If she is just emailing with new 'friends' then maybe she just wants to check on what others think about relationships in general and want advice - just like you. If she is physically meeting new people, and you know this, then avoid her for a while, make new friends and see if this gets a reaction from her. Don't sit alone at home and do nothing. Get out and have some fun, show her that she is NOT the center of your world. If things get cold, then move on - you are young enough - and when young and not gained enough experience and/or friends, you'll miss something that you'll regret not having tested later on in life. Whatever choice you make, I wish you all the best and please keep us posted. I would not ask her to 'hang out' - stick to your guns and make her take the first step toward you.


Personal growth and experience is better than virtual reality, but can hurt a little now and then.