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timmy26 · Sep 14, 2007, 05:46 PM

My questions involves a long distance relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 4 months now and it was going great up until about last week. We got into a couple disagreements 2 days in a row and that threw us through a spin. She has told me she wants to be with me, and that she loves me but doesn't want to love me because its so hard for me being away. Also we talk less now because she is so busy with school and work, as she says. Is there anything I can do to get it back to the way it was and have that fiery passion we once had. I really don't want to lose her.

nkychic · Sep 14, 2007, 07:30 PM

Long Distance Relationships... wow, these are probably the hardest to get through, much less keep going strong. I'm going to be completely honest with you, after all you are here to get advice, not for us to tell you what you want to hear.

It's hard really to help too much without knowing a few things...

How old are you both?
Did you meet online, or did one of you just move away from the other?
Do you ever get to see each other?

Ok, you probably aren't going to like my answer, but again, this is just MY opinion, don't base YOUR relationship on it.

9 out of 10 times, long distance relationships don't work. To know that you all haven't been together that long and problems are already arising, isn't a good sign. Whether people want to admit it or not, a big part of a relationship is physical affection. That kind of affection you don't get from a computer screen or hearing "I love you" on the other end of a phone. The simple things, hugs, holding hands, etc. It's hard to ignite a fire from miles away. Another big part of a relationship is trust, and how can you get that when you are never around each other? This may not be a problem now, but I'm sure trust issues and insecurities will arise given time. There are so many things that you have to just "assume" when you are in a long distance relationship. You have to put a lot of trust in the person on the other end, all that is left are assumptions. You can assume she is telling the truth when she said she had to work, that she went out with friends, that she is sitting by the phone awaiting your call, but assumptions are all you've got, and they won't get you far. Eventually I fear for you that curiousity will strike. "I haven't talked to her in 3 hours, what is she doing? Who is she with?" The only answer to these questions you have is her word.

In my opinion, I think that it is probably best for both of you, if you just be friends for now. Stay close, there is nothing wrong with that, but until you can be with each other physically, mentally, and emotionally I don't think that this relationship will work out. The longer you draw it out, the worse the result could be. Why not give yourselves time to build a closer more trusting relationship? If you try to hard now and it doesn't work out, then there may never be another chance for you all.

Have you asked her what she thinks about everything? Have you asked her if she's truly happy with a relationship based on phone calls and online chat? Are you? Take some time to think this one through. No matter which direction you choose to go I wish you the best of luck, both of you. Do what's good for you. Don't settle for less than you deserve or want no matter what anyone says (not even me) =). Take care and keep me posted.

Leslie

timmy26 · Sep 14, 2007, 08:10 PM

I am 19 and she is 18... we have been talking for about a 7 months and its been official for 4 and counting... I am on the other side of the country in college but I'm flying her out in a couple weeks. Im pretty sure that time will tell us what to do with each other, how we feel when we see each other, but I just want to keep it going until then. It sucks so much because we are so good together and it could be no doubt a great relationship if I was back home. She is the kind of person that needs someone by her side, so its hard for her while I am away. And I am the person that thinks about her constantly and wants to do everything for her. It seems like she keeps me going strong out here and just knowing I have her is all I need and want. I just really don't want to lose her.

nkychic · Sep 14, 2007, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by timmy26

I am 19 and she is 18...we have been talking for about a 7 months and its been official for 4 and counting...I am on the other side of the country in college but i'm flying her out in a couple weeks. Im pretty sure that time will tell us what to do with each other, how we feel when we see each other, but i just want to keep it going until then. It sucks so much becuase we are so good together and it could be no doubt a great relationship if i was back home. She is the kind of person that needs someone by her side, so its hard for her while i am away. And i am the person that thinks about her constantly and wants to do everything for her. It seems like she keeps me going strong out here and just knowing i have her is all i need and want. I just really dont want to lose her.

When I read this, I wonder if she were to read this how could she NOT want to spend the rest of her life with you?? It is really sweet how you express your feelings for her, and I hope that you are as open with her as you are with me, a stranger. She needs to hear that you are constantly thinking of her and that you fear losing her. Hopefully once she comes to visit you, things will start to work themselves out. I know it's hard, but it sounds like you have the heart and the strength to pull it off, I hope that she does too. I wish you the BEST of luck with the situation and hope that in the end you are both happy. Let me know what happens, and let her know exactly how you feel about her. Don't be too pushy, but she needs to know that she means the world to you.

Good luck and I am confident things will work out for you both, I just truly hope for your sake that it is together.

timmy26 · Sep 14, 2007, 11:22 PM

I think I have come across to her as a softy a little though. I mean she has seen me shed tears and stuff and I don't really want to portray that image that much any more. I mean, I want her to know I care and I know she does, but I also want to seem as the solid rock in her life that she can count on. Right now she is running the show as you would say and I would like to have it go back to where it was;mutual. I wish I could have it so she would want it back to where we were and have her apoligize and stuff for letting it get crazy, but that just seems like it would be to good to be true. It feels like I'm always the one to go out of my way to make things better and I just wish she would do the same one of these days. Don't get me wrong though, I love her and want to be with her forever, just right now I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending hole.

talaniman · Sep 15, 2007, 05:44 AM

The distance between you prevents growing together, and sharing in each others lives, to the extent that its all just guesswork and hope. Even for older more mature people LDR's are extremely hard to manage. You may love the idea of her but you really haven't been together long enough to know each other that well and haven't even seen each other often enough to grow as a loving couple. Until the distance between you is closed, I just don't see this going very far.

timmy26 · Sep 15, 2007, 09:43 PM

I wrote her a letter but new I would only get a response if I read it to her over the phone so I did. At the end she told me the 2 days that we got into the argument that it made her think about a lot of stuff and didn't need to be getting into arguments with someone whose away. She also said its hard for her while I'm away. She did however tell me she loved me. She then said I have to go and I will call you back later tonight. So far she hasn't called back and I don't know if she will. I can sense it in her that she wants to be with me and that she loves me but I don't know what to do to get that weirdness out of our relationship.

timmy26 · Sep 15, 2007, 11:01 PM

She did call me back, and we said we loved each other, and she told me she would call me tommarow before she goes to work

talaniman · Sep 16, 2007, 04:29 AM

Honest loving communications is an absolute must at this time, and for now, keep fear and insecurity out of the mix. Make every call count.

timmy26 · Sep 16, 2007, 02:34 PM

She did call after work, she said she didn't want to wake me, then she said I loved you. I think we are doing a lot better know. Its just no bueno that I don't talk to her as much because she is so busy. I need to find something to do to take my mind off her all the time.

timmy26 · Sep 17, 2007, 09:55 PM

We are on a break right now... im going back home in a couple weeks, we will see how it goes then. Any advice?

talaniman · Sep 17, 2007, 10:20 PM

If you don't close the distance, you will lose the girl, plain and simple! Even for the best of us LDR's are very hard to maintain.

timmy26 · Sep 18, 2007, 05:22 PM

I told her I would come home and go to the same school with her, is that a mistake?

ilovcali · Sep 18, 2007, 05:28 PM

In my opinion yes. Don't change your life for a 4 month relationship. SERIOUSLY. Please don't do that. You're not married, you're young, you have some much to see in the world and experience. What about the friends and ties you've made in college? Doesn't that count? I think if you do this, you'll make this girl your whole life. NOT WORTH IT in the long run. YOU BARELY KNOW HER!

Anyway, good luck in whatever you decide. Just be careful before making a life changing decision.

--Cali

timmy26 · Sep 18, 2007, 05:46 PM

I understand, its just I love her so much and have so much faith in us... but I guess that's usual too isn't it?

kufan11 · Oct 1, 2007, 09:58 PM

Wow, sorry to jump in but this sounds exactly like my life, I'm in the same situation as you are, I hope it works out for you guys!