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Diesel69 · Sep 14, 2007, 03:56 PM

Damn... can my life get any worse? I just found out today that I did not get the job I interviewed for.. and I felt as though I did well on the interview... wow.. what else can go wrong.. this is one of the worst periods of my life.. just when I think I can maybe get over her by getting a job... BAM I get cut back down to reality.. it's as if I am being forced to think about her.. about how crappy this, and my whole life is.. I am just so drained.. so tired.. so tired.. I feel like a failure.. I ruined the best thing I had.. it was supposed to last.. damn damn damn..

GlindaofOz · Sep 14, 2007, 05:09 PM

Read this again:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

Diesel you are not screwing up your life. Is this a tough patch yeah it is. Could it be worse it most certainly could. What you are experiencing is insignificant in the vein of troubles to be having. No you do not lose the love of your life. If she really was it would not be over. I want to shake you and scream that in your face until you get it! SHE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU.

As for the job. That's nothing. There is a million different reasons you don't get an offer. I work in HR and I can tell you sometimes you have a bunch of candidates who are great and who you decide upon is usually on something small or better chemistry or whatever. Again that company is not the right company for you. If it was you would've gotten the job.

Do you see a pattern? When things are supposed to work out they do. When they are not supposed to work out they do not. I don't know what you believe in or what you base your life on but I base my life on the fact that there are plans for every single one of us on this planet. We have people who we need to meet experiences we have to have all to make us into the person we need to be and to bring us to the best place in our life possible. Right now you are looking at the smallest fraction possible of your life. You have no idea what will come a month from now, or two, three months from now. If yo keep focusing on the negative then all you will bring into your life are negative things.

Diesel69 · Sep 14, 2007, 05:28 PM

Look.. im just a phuck up okay? On the damned application, I had like 2 crossouts... I realized today (when I found out I got denied) that usually crossouts are a huge turnoff/red flag in terms of projected performance.. what an idiot I am..

I am actually a very religious person.. I don't know if I believe in fate like you are saying.. God made all of us with free will.. so I don't know about this whole idea of "path" and "if its meant to be its meant to be" and "everything happens for a reason" I really don't know if I buy that crap...

I just need people to talk to you know? I'm sitting home alone on a Friday night.. my ex-gf is signed offline.. do you guys think she could be going out already? Like she is already over me?

I'm just so pained.. im going to the liquor store right now and getting a bottle and sitting outside.. maybe ill feel better.. im not the type to run from my problems, but tonight, I just want to feel numb.. im not an alchy by no means.. but I need something to calm me down and get me ANGRY.. dont worry I will not call or contact her in the process..

GlindaofOz · Sep 14, 2007, 05:31 PM

Cross outs don't mean anything on an application. I'm a Human Resources person cross outs mean NOTHING. I've hired lots of people who had messy applications. There just wasn't the right click. That's it. You are not a screw up.

And getting drunk and beating yourself up is not going to solve any problems. Who knows what she is out doing and who cares. Its not your concern right now. Your concern should be that you are sabotaging your happiness on fixating on everything that is negative in your life. When things could be much worse. You could be dying of AIDS or cancer, homeless, living in a war torn area with no food, running water or access to medical treatment.

Diesel69 · Sep 14, 2007, 07:47 PM

Yeah all of those could be my fate.. and I thank God that they are not... but pain is pain... I feel like I've been alone my whole life.. all I've ever wanted was a girlfriend.. someone I could relate to and who would accept and care for me.. a real best friend.. and now that's gone.. it sucks.. and I'm back to being alone.. trust me NO ONE cares.. I know my family is hurting for me, but come on.. I just feel alone.. and it is awful you don't understand

imissyou · Sep 14, 2007, 08:24 PM

Originally Posted by Diesel69

Okay here's my story: Please be patient and READ ALL OF IT and answer as many questions as possible. I want to implement the perfect strategy to get her back. This is still fresh and because of this I think I have a decent chance of doing things right and not being a WUSS. I hear that guys who beg and send gifts often push their ex further. On top of this, my ex said I was too dependent on her at times, and that I was jealous and suffocated her. Well keep this in mind as you read.

First, I need to say I apologize for the length of my post, but I am truly in love and feel like my partner is making a mistake. I really would appreicate it if you put all of your wisdom and advice into this one. Please.

Once again please, please read my post carefully. I want to follow your adivce but I by no means want to push her away and blow my chances. For starters, we have been going out for over two years. She is my first SERIOUS GF and I am her first SERIOUS BF (thus, first loves). About a month and a half ago, things started turning bad towards my GF and I. I saw the warning signs, but always pushed them away and tried making things "right" between us. I was always the optimist. She was more pracitcal and realistic, which made it harder to work things out. Well anyway I always took her for granted. I really NEVER thought she would dump me. We used to laugh and have so much fun, but now she dumped me. She wrote notes to me like "we will always be together" and frequently told me that i was "the one."

Well, about two weeks ago, she told me we were through. She left my house and didn't give me an explanation. When I started pleading with her, she said, "this just isn't working, you are a great guy, but I'm not in love with you." I tried being persistent and she told me to move and that she didn't want to be a . So I just turned and walked away from her. She said, "Don't go please." Then she just drove away.

Well a week and a half went by and although this sounds stupid, we were still listed as "in a relationship" on facebook. So naturally, I thought everything was okay and that she would soon call to fix things. Well what do you know, this past Friday, (4 days ago) she put "single" on her profile. Needless to say, I was crushed and acted like a WUSS and called her, left her a voicemail and said that I just needed closure to know why things went bad. Well, she called me back about 5 minutes later and I tried talking to her, but to no avail. She kept saying, "NO, we are not getting back together, I'm content with my decision." I tried everything (WUSS) and it didn't work. So I just gave up and said goodbye. I was so crushed because it seemed like she was just over me like that.

Well the next day, I was being a WUSS and sent her a facebook message writing to her one of the notes she wrote me about how when I got back home from school (June 2007), we would always be together. She messaged me back and said that we needed to stop talking or we would never get over each other. She also said, "don't make me block you." I messaged her once more and said, "look I've been a good bf to you, the least you could do is let me see you before I go on my interview on Tuesday, just so my head is clear and so that we can say goodbye and get closure." She said fine and that she would text me. This was at 10:30 AM

At this point, I just realized all hope was lost and started reading her notes she wrote to me. At around 1:30 PM, as I was reading the notes, she called me crying, saying how she was sorry and that she didn't want me to hate her. She also kept telling me to "learn from this relationship." By learn she meant, don't be jealous/possessive/unsupportive in my next relationship. I kind of prodded around seeing if we could try again and she said "I don't know" but essentially, the answer was NO. She did say though, "I don't know how I feel, my feelings may change for you tomorrow." Of course I was optimistic by this. She then asked if I wanted to see her. I flipped it on her asking if she wanted to see me. She started sounding all weird so I just said, "if you want to see me, call me later tonight."

So around 6:30 PM, she called me and we talked for another hour about things. She was still upset, saying how everything reminded her of me. She said though, we need to stop talking or, "we will never move on." Is this bad or do I have a chance? At the same time though, she needed to hear my voice. We got off the phone saying, "I love you," but I think hers was not one that meant, "I'm in love with you."

So I'm not going to lie, I felt SO much better after hearing her cry--it proved she wasn't as heartless as I thought after all. Well, of course on Sunday (the next day) I was getting lonely and sent her an e-mail, seeing if I could ask her a question about how to approach my interview. I asked if I could call and she said, "ok." So I got my question out of the way and asked how she was doing. She sounded better than Saturday. She said this was because she went out shopping with her mom and sister. Well, of course I started prodding as to what went wrong. She then told me that I essentially suffocated her and that she wanted to be alone now. She said I was a great guy, but she didn't want anyone to answer to at this point in her life and that my actions affected how she felt about me. She said that me not going out with her cousins/family made her really upset and that she wanted to go on vacation to see her family and how she never wanted to go because I would just get mad. Finally, she said that she never went out with her friends because she didn't want me to get jealous. She said that I depended on her for too much. At the same time though, she admitted that I had been making changes in my jealousy over the past months, but the feelings she felt were still fading. This summer, she also hit me with, "you are so lax about getting a job," and all of that bull. I mean come on I JUST GRADUATED CHILL! She admitted to me once that that was one of the reasons she didn't know if it would work between us. However, she also added that that WAS NOT the main reason, and that her feelings (as well as her) have changed towards me. Over the last month and a half, she would often hit me with the "how do we know if we're meant for each other, I don't want to make a mistake." I would reassure her, but I never wanted to force her. Well, Sunday night, I tried everything under the sun to convince her I could change. She just kept saying, "No I want to be alone now, please just go live your life, don't wait for me, I may change my mind BUT DON'T WAIT for me." Then she said, "we need to move on or we will never stop talking, maybe one day we can be friends, but not for a while." Then once she said, "I need to see what I want in a guy." I was like, "WHAT?" Then she changed what she meant and said, "I mean, I need to see what will make me happy. I love you but I am 21 (almost 22) years old and want to enjoy my youth. I'm not saying I want to go to bars and clubs, but I want to travel. Honestly, if I knew you were the one, I would have NO problem being with you, but I don't know if you are at this point in my life, so go on and live your life, don't wait." Towards our, "goodbye" I told her how every song, and everything in general reminded me of her. She choked back tears and said the same. Needless to say, I was crushed.

I knew I shouldn't have called her, even my sister and cousin said that was the wrong strategy. We left off on Saturday saying how she needed space and by Sunday she was saying, "The answer is no, we are broken up right now, you are not listening to me, you are saying one thing and I am saying NO, please I don't want to be a but we need to stop talking." So once again, I gave up.

Well I didn't call her Monday--I was too busy preparing for my interview today (Tuesday). Well last night at around 8:30, I get an e-mail from her with two Microsoft Word documents with interview tips. She wrote, "Hey, check the attachments, not sure if you have them...good luck tomorrow...you will do great!!! I did NOT respond to the e-mail.

Today (Tuesday) was my interview at 11:00 AM. I KNEW she would text me. She texted me at 10:30 AM saying "Good Luck!" I have not responded to this either. It is currently 2:30 PM.

My question is, what strategy do I pursue now? Do I return her text and simply say, "Thank you?" What if I don't return the text and she calls? What if she e-mails me?

I NEED TO STRESS-- MY GF HAS A LOT OF PRIDE, I'M NOT SURE IF THE TECHNIQUES EXPRESSED HERE WILL WORK TO MY ADVANTAGE OR BACKFIRE! I DON'T WANT HER TO JUST GIVE UP AND GET OVER ME. At the same time though, we were each others first true loves and dated for more than 2 years. I keep thinking that in a month she will be over me (because of her PRIDE and becuase she often kept her emotions in check), but at the same time, she's a girl and she has to be thinking about me right? I don't want her to just give up on me! When she called me on SAT, she said that the two weeks (earlier) that we didn't talk were okay because she was busy with stuff, but on SAT she was lonely. I don't want her to want me because she's simply "lonely." I want lonely to mean I miss your love, I miss US.

Just TALK TO HER! In person, not over the phone. Meet with her, have a bite to eat, and tell her how you feel. And do it SOON. You could lose her if you wait. Your welcome.
Codename: havefaith

Diesel69 · Sep 15, 2007, 02:22 AM

I'm scared to talk... I don't want to push her away further... if she wants to talk, ill be here...

GlindaofOz · Sep 15, 2007, 05:35 AM

Originally Posted by Diesel69

yeh all of those could be my fate..and i thank God that they are not.....but pain is pain....i feel like ive been alone my whole life..all ive ever wanted was a gf..someone i could relate to and who would accept and care for me..a real best friend..and now thats gone..it sucks..and im back to being alone..trust me NO ONE cares..i know my family is hurting for me, but come on..i just feel alone..and it is awful you dont understand

That's your problem Diesel. You need to feel complete, happy and whole in your life by yourself. We've already established you had a co-dependent relationship. You cannot make someone your world. Hey I know its easy to do it but it never ends well. Its too much pressure on someone for them to be your everything. You need to be full before getting into a relationship the relationship should not be what makes you whole.

Does that make sense?

GlindaofOz · Sep 15, 2007, 05:36 AM

Originally Posted by imissyou

Just TALK TO HER! In person, not over the phone. Meet with her, have a bite to eat, and tell her how you feel. And do it SOON. You could lose her if you wait. Your welcome.
Codename: havefaith

I definitely do not agree with this. This girl broke it off and seems to want nothing to do with him here. I think that doing this will only result in more heartache for him.

Diesel69 · Sep 15, 2007, 05:42 AM

Glinda,

A quick question about my failed interview-- Does HR ever change their mind if they reject a candidate? Also, would you recommend that I send the HR lady I interviewed with one more e-mail saying thank you and if anyone drops out to consider me for the position? Please, a detailed answer

GlindaofOz · Sep 15, 2007, 01:30 PM

I think that would be fine.

Sometimes it does happen. If we meet with someone and we like them but someone is just a little better we tend to keep that person in mind. We've also gone back and pulled people out who we interviewed a while back if they made a good impression and we think they might be a fit for a new position.

I think it woud be perfectly fine to send an email saying to something to the effect of thank you so much for meeting with me. I really did enjoy learning about the company and I hope that if something comes up in the future that fits my qualifications that I would be considered.

Warm Regards - Diesel.

Short, sweet, to the point is totally fine and is likely to make you stand out if something else does open

Diesel69 · Sep 15, 2007, 05:46 PM

Feeling like crap again... this is not getting easier..

GlindaofOz · Sep 15, 2007, 05:47 PM

You just started. Its going to suck way hard before it gets better.

You will have days where it feels easier and it gets better. You will have days where you backslide like no body's business.

cerulean · Sep 15, 2007, 06:07 PM

Originally Posted by Diesel69

Okay here's my story: I miss US.

I am very psychic and in addition to this I have had a lot of experience in my life. I have also done intuitive readings for people here and there, although that's not what I'd do full time, although I could. I have read your entire post, and this relationship of yours is essentially the quintessential "first time first love".
Yes I know its very painful, and its something you must go through. Some people lighten their load by dating others, and it usually does help, although its no antidote for the scars and hurt that is left.

I have only read your first post. No this relationship has no hope of continuing. People never realize as they are experiencing their relationships, that they really only get one "elongated" chance. They have a lot of chances within a certain time frame. They get a lot of opportunities to show WHO they are, and that other person makes judgments against you, even if you don't realize this consciously, or even if they don't realize they are doing it consciously.

Sure you might get back together again, for a while... but the comfort level has been achieved, and some people only wake up when its too late. (as I did)

I miss the old "us's" of most of my past relationships. I have been single a good long time, and I no longer feel the need to plunge into relationships for that "experience" I so craved and felt I must learn when I was younger, in my twenties. :) Nothing like the true life experience, so vastly different from intellectual observation and thinking you know it all already, which is how I was when much younger. Experiences are the fabric of our wisdom, and are required for our evolution.

My ex left me because of their mental problems, and at that time, I would have done anything to get my ex back. I swore I would retrieve my ex from the Heavens itself if I had to, and I "knew" or thought I knew my ex would be back. The truth was I wasted a lot of time not realizing what a jerk my ex was, and romanticized and endeared qualities in him that I should not have. I allowed that relationship to break me down far more than it should have, and should any do this to a human being? Don't kid yourself, you will have many break ups, but you will also have a great life. All this is necessary and perfect in its own seeming impossible state, which is what it will seem like, at the time.

You know, starting a relationship is ALWAYS a risk, because if you two are greatly attracted and want it to work, there is always the potential that you will part, that you will break up, and that you both will then have to endure the breaking up process.

But that is life.. and in life, there is the getting together and breaking up. You cannot let it wound you, or warp your attitudes and feelings about the opposite sex, or other people. You have to realize its just part of life, and it feels intense because it's the first time and you are young, and she is young.

She sounds in some ways like a smart woman, she knows she's young, she wants to get the most out of it, she wants to be fair with herself, that is admirable.

If what she expressed about you is true, the entire reason it has ended is based on the feelings of her being pushed away by the neediness you have felt towards her. That is why so many men go the opposite way and pretend NOT to care, and act cavalier about women, pretending they don't have feelings, pretending they don't get hurt, and eventually begin to objectify and joke about women.

Its all a ruse, and the tricky part about these experiences in life, more so than anything at all, is getting out of them mentally and emotionally unharmed and unscathed. It's a skill and process. Being overly emotional, jealous, possessive, etc. does NOT demonstrate, indicate or "prove" you care more or are in love the most, or feel more emotion. What it shows is that you need more, not that you care more. Many people who feel they "care more" begin to suffocate the person, or even abuse them, and are unable to see what's going on with themselves, and point the finger at others.

There are people with the firm belief that no one should have a serious relationship before the age of 30, mostly because a person changes so much from the age of 20-30. In some very STRONG ways, they are not even the same person, while retaining the same basic personality, looks, idiosyncrasies, etc.

You owe it to yourself to explore what is out there with other people. To do it on your own time, not to get back at someone, but to explore the unlimited possibilities.

Many times a failed relationship is just a case of setting all your goals, sights and love and unrealistic expectations ON THE WRONG PERSON.

You also have to respect her wishes if she doesn't want to see you. She has told you in no uncertain terms that she needs space. You not giving her space is infuriating her and turning her off. It also makes you appear, amazingly unattractive. (to her)

She wants to do right by her own evolution, and you should be interested in yours as well. Let me tell you this, there are other women out there that will be far more interesting and important for you in your life than this one.

You just have to know and believe that, because if you don't, you won't recognize them when you see them.

Diesel69 · Sep 15, 2007, 07:11 PM

I'm just stunned.. the way she did all this.. over the damned phone.. and then calls me crying saying I'm sorry I don't want you to hate me.. well right now I kind of do.. I hate all the lies she told me.. and I think that right now she is going out with friends.. yeh very nice.. a damned week after we break up she's going out.. and to think that she would have a change of heart... im so sick of being alone in life.. im so sick of being hurt.. just when I think I have someone good.. she is gone.. and dammit it hurts.. it hurts so bad.. it feels like all the memories are a blur.. all erased.. I hate this I hate this I hate her I hate myself I hate everyone right now

cerulean · Sep 15, 2007, 07:21 PM

Originally Posted by Diesel69

im just stunned..the way she did all this..over the damned phone..and then calls me crying saying im sorry i dont want you to hate me..well right now i kind of do..i hate all the lies she told me..and i think that right now she is going out with friends..yeh very nice..a damned week after we break up shes going out..and to think that she would have a change of heart....im so sick of being alone in life..im so sick of being hurt..just when i think i have someone good..she is gone..and dammit it hurts..it hurts so bad..it feels like all the memories are a blur..all erased..i hate this i hate this i hate her i hate myself i hate everyone right now

I am sorry to read this. I know it won't really mean much to you when I write this, but I wanted to say all these experiences are learning lessons. Lessons not about her, but about you. They are gifts really, because they teach you who you are. I hope that it doesn't make you feel worse about you, or women, or give you false beliefs about life. This just feels very painful because its happening right now. Soon you will feel better, you'll have a better handle on it. In truth, its probably best if you do date soon after, instead of keeping away. You need the leverage.

GlindaofOz · Sep 15, 2007, 07:29 PM

Anger is good right now. It is propelling you into your next step believe it or not.

You are going through the 5 Stages of Grief:

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

You are doing a lot better then you realize. I think you are doing really well with expressing how you are feeling and getting those bad feelings out. You should be proud that you are able to express yourself and you should feel good that you have a place to express those feelings without fear of being judged or treated poorly.

Diesel69 · Sep 16, 2007, 07:48 AM

I think I hit step for a while ago LOL.. it seems like the early morning I'm okay... it's just when it starts to get dark out that bothers me. Plus, it's fall! I hate fall it's all cold and depressing. Fall definetely came a bit sooner this year... Is it normal to have your emotions feel like the stock market? I mean, I am all over the place. I'm trying to watch movies to get my mind of things, but every scene between a guy and girl gets me sad. Even in a screwed up movie like "Seven"... man that movie was twisted..

I think I am still in the denial phase though. I mean, I am sad and all, but I don't know... it just doesn't seem right... what exactly is the bargaining phase?

One final thought, just talking this out is medicinal in a way. I'm sorry if I keep saying the same stuff, but not saying anything feels worse. Thanks again

Stringer · Sep 16, 2007, 08:06 AM

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Anger is good right now. It is propelling you into your next step believe it or not.

You are going through the 5 Stages of Grief:

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

You are doing a lot better then you realize. I think you are doing really well with expressing how you are feeling and getting those bad feelings out. You should be proud that you are able to express yourself and you should feel good that you have a place to express those feelings without fear of being judged or treated poorly.

Can't rate you again on this one;

Your answer is exactly right. All five are definite stages and each is very recognizable. Putting it down "on paper" like this helps people actually see what the process is. Those in grief should all pay attention and realize that this will help them understand that EACH stage will happen and in most instances healing does happen. Good informative answer!

Stringer

cerulean · Sep 16, 2007, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by Diesel69

I think I hit step 4 a while ago LOL..it seems like the early morning I'm okay....it's just when it starts to get dark out that bothers me. Plus, it's fall! I hate fall it's all cold and depressing. Fall definetely came a bit sooner this year....Is it normal to have your emotions feel like the stock market? I mean, I am all over the place. I'm trying to watch movies to get my mind of of things, but every scene between a guy and girl gets me sad. Even in a screwed up movie like "Seven".....man that movie was twisted..

I think I am still in the denial phase though. I mean, I am sad and all, but idk....it just doesn't seem right....what exactly is the bargaining phase?

One final thought, just talking this out is medicinal in a way. I'm sorry if I keep saying the same stuff, but not saying anything feels worse. Thanks again

Yes all that's normal. I've broken up at least 6 times.. with people I cared about at one point or another. When I've thought about it, Ive realized that you have to make it easy as possible to "get over them" because they don't tend to "come back".

That's if you want to get over them, some people like to romanticize what is not worth romanticizing. In fact it's a pretty irrational time even though you see the writing on the wall, you idealize the person, instead of looking at the cold hard facts that would better allow you to move on. Nothing is worse than dragging out a healing.

Some more advice Ive found helpful. DON'T watch romances, don't listen to songs about love for a second. Don't listen to sad music. Remove all her pictures if you have any.. you don't have to destroy them but you can bury them in some box far away so that by the time you open it again, you won't feel that pain. Remove all her things and all things that remind you of her.

You have to have a new landscape in order to heal faster. Having "reminders" around, romantic or sad music, romantic or sad movies, only hinders the process. Some people just want to be miserable longer, or feel they deserve it, feel they are punishing themselves. You have to look at this realistically because its NOT romantic anymore.

Every time you think of her, cut the scene.. and switch to a thought about something else that is interesting but neutral.

Keep busy doing things that you enjoy. Continue your social contacts, DO NOT HERMIT. Join a gym, if you belong to one work out more. Bury yourself in studies, be ACTIVE, be distracted. Have friends, be around them, talk a lot to people, expunge your grief, but keep the reminders away.

It helps enormously.

When you actually do all this.

I know what you mean about the dark.. the days will get shorter, I hate that as well. We had a horrible heatwave in California.. but it got.. cooler... suddenly. The Summer is supposedly over but I can't see evidence of that, but the dark's hard to handle, esp. when you have a lot of passion and energy in your soul. You can look at it as an embracing time.. a time to sooth you.. don't associate negative feelings with it, because you are what you think. Everyone falls into that trap. You can instead imagine fall and shorter days with the holidays, with the people around you excited about that.. if you had no one, know that at least you can feel the excitement and joy from others. It takes a while to sense it, if you think it only happens with one "significant other". It's a cool nice.. a cosy time.. a time of drawing the strings of an experience to a close.. to gaze upon the package and deem its worth, to sum up the experience and spend time in reflection on your new journey that lies before you.

You know every experience in life is a learning lesson, it's a gift... that tells you who you are, and if you learn the lesson and don't forget, then you will never repeat it again.. and that sets you free for more positive and helpful experiences in life.